Comparisons Between Year 1 and Year 19

I posted earlier that I recently came upon my online journal that included our dating years and those first years of our marriage.  On it's own it was a bit eye opening and gave me some really good perspective about things I saw all the way from the beginning but choose to accept because that is what I thought you did when you loved someone.

This week I have come across some of my writing from May through July of this year.  This was what felt like a time of limbo where he had started verbalizing that he was reconsidering the relationship but he hadn't made a final decision.

I have two really big take-aways from reading those posts.  

First, I handled that time period better than I thought.  I tried to open up a dialogue and really listen to him.  I took in what he was saying and tried to understand it from his point of view.  I asked good questions that I think both reflected my support of him and our marriage and also tried to get him to self-reflect a bit.  Before reading these journal entries I only remembered the emotion and there probably was too much of that but in between the motion was a lot of rational thought and a lot of empathy.

Second, he is still in the same emotional space he was when I married him.  My descriptions of how he responded to conflict, questions, etc. are eerily similar in both 2005/2006 as they are in 2024.  Any topic he didn't want to talk about he found a way to avoid - disappearing into video games or a book, deflecting the question back on me, finding something related to blame on me, changing the subject, etc.  

It was this dance we did throughout our marriage that I spent the last 19 years trying to manage by improving my communication skills, learning new coping skills, and finding new ways to respond to him.  Except the results were always the same.  Because he never grew or worked on his half of the dance.  It didn't matter if I softened my voice or re-worded my responses or spend more time listening and repeating back to him my understanding or asking probing questions to keep the dialogue moving or verbalizing assumptions and asking for clarification to try to clear up misunderstandings.  He wasn't hearing it.

Losing Myself to Find Myself

I drove to Jekyll Island this Christmas.  Going home to see family wasn't possible.  I didn't really want to impose on friends and even if I did, I would still be going home to an empty house after the celebration.  And I am finding so much healing in nature so thought another trip would do me good.

It's a balancing act between sitting in the stillness to process the grief from the divorce and rediscovering who I want to be as a single person by taking advantage of the freedom the divorce has given me.  Sometimes those things happen in separate moments.  And sometimes like yesterday, they happen simultaneously like yesterday morning.

After enjoying the sunrise on the beach near my hotel and grabbing breakfast, I set out on my kick scooter with a pond in mind.  I had seen a report that Roseate Spoonbills had been spotted there recently.  The details of the morning beyond that initial push to get out were fuzzy as I think I needed to just go out and get lost in order to find me.

It turned out that the pond was down an unmarked muddy road, just past an abandoned and overgrown amphitheater and that the paths to get to it were unmarked, included multiple twists and turns, and were a bit overgrown.  Fear almost overcame me at various points as I didn't know exactly where I was or where I was going or what I would find when I got there.  And there was not a soul in sight the entire adventure into the woods creating a bit of an eerie feeling as I jumped at the sounds of nature around me.

But then I suddenly found myself in the middle of that amphitheater filled with graffiti and I could see the pond just beyond it.  As I approached the pond, my focus turned towards incredibly noisy Pileated Woodpeckers that I proceeded to follow through the trees.  Eventually, a pair of noisy Anhingas and then some night herons that were fighting distracted me away from the woodpeckers.  I followed another path around the pond to get a better view of them.  

I think I spent at least an hour and a half in this forest with the pond and the amphitheater.  I would like to say the more time I spent in that forest, the more comfortable I felt but I'm not sure that is completely true.  As lost I got in the sounds and sights of the birds and my attempts to capture them with my camera, there was still this fear of the unknown and uncertain lurking beneath the surface.  So before I left the area, I remember saying to myself, "I'm done facing this fear for now" and then I made my way back through the amphitheater and retraced my steps back to the main road.

I didn't let my exploring end there though.  I continued along a number of bike paths on the island, stopping frequently to take in the sights, breathe in the air, and pause in the stillness.  I stayed to marked, less isolated paths though.

This whole experience left me a bit unsettled, a bit stronger, and with a better understanding of me.   I think the whole process of recreating yourself after such a life changing event is an unsettling process.  You have to deconstruct yourself to find the pieces that are authentic to you so you can build from those.  This means lots of moments of fearing the unknown you have to just sit through before you return to the comfortable.  

Should I have made a different decision?

So with hours in the car today, I replayed in my head what I had read from my online journal.  I'm especially stuck on the fact that I knew he couldn't give our relationship the same energy I could.  It's really easy to jump to should statements about how shouldn't have married me if he wasn't all in and about how I shouldn't have married him if I knew he couldn't reciprocate with the same energy.  But it's not productive.

Let's say, we could go back and undo this marriage.  Where would that leave me?  Who would I even be?

The people who walk through our lives leave marks on us, some big marks, some smaller marks.  They influence.  They expose to ideas and experiences.  They lead us down paths we never would have considered taking.  They show us parts of ourselves that we didn't know existed.

So to contemplate what either one of us should have done 20 years ago completely ignores the effect we each had on each other's lives because of the decisions we did make.

I knew of the imbalance before I married him.

Based on re-reading online posts from that time period, I now realize that I knew of the imbalance in our relationship before I married him.  Why did I think it would last?  How did it last 19 years (plus almost 3 years dating)?

Let me quote some of what I wrote on January 23, 2004, a year and a half before we were married but after we had gotten engaged.

"I've come to realize something today that will is very hard for me to deal with.

When I truly care about someone I give them my all. People are by far my top priorities. And so with the one I love most, the one who is number one in my life, I need to feel like nothing else could ever be more important in life. I really do need it all. Something that I'm not sure Paul will ever be able to give me at least not completely."

The post goes on to talk about how his car is more important than I am to him, although I now think that is an overly simplistic way to look at it.  

A friend responded to my online journal entry encourages me to talk to him and part of my response is:

"This is one of those things that I will never change about him and so telling him how I feel beyond the initial sense of disappointment does nothing but make him feel bad about who he is and feel unworthy which is far from the truth."

And even going back that far, I knew I had to tip-toe around issues like this to not hurt his already fragile sense of self-worth.

This relationship was doomed from the start.  He wasn't invested in it.  He didn't love himself and feel enough self-worth to be capable of investing in it.  So how did it last more than 19 years without him ever doing the work to heal himself?  

In really thinking about this, I think a really important take away is that no one can give you your worth.  You have to find it within yourself.  It didn't matter how worthy I felt he was and how much I tried to show him that, he won't believe it until he finds it from within himself.

The beginning of our marriage....

The first three years of our marriage are a blur to me.  I was a teacher spending 60 hours a week at school plus countless hours at home.  I was so stressed as my class sizes were too big, the subjects I taught covered too many levels, and there is a steep learning curve in teaching.  I also had a principal who didn't like me from the very start and so as I got closer to tenure, the stress escalated.  

About 1.5-2 years in I also faced medical problems that affected our sex life and caused me a lot of pain.

I remember my ex-husband being so stressed himself as he worked way too many hours in jobs that he didn't like and had no self-confidence that he could do.

So when my ex-husband referred to things going back to those first years, I honestly just had to take his word for it as I didn't remember well.  His biggest accusation was how often I gave him the silent treatment.

Well today I was reminded of an online journal site that I used to be very active on so I went to see if my account still exists (it does!) and recovered my password so I could get into it.  And then I disappeared into a rabbit hole of reading posts.  The last posts I made on that website were in 2010 and it looks like I started in 2001.  I started with the most recent and went backwards to the months leading up to our wedding.

There are two different dynamics with my ex-husband that I described in posts.  The first was actually of my ex giving me the silent treatment when he didn't want to talk about the conflict we had about his parents over-involvement.  I knew this was a recurring argument for us but I didn't realize it went back so far in our marriage.  And I had forgotten the way he would give me the silent treatment instead of trying to talk through the issue.  We never even came close to resolving that issue because he wouldn't listen to how it affected me or work towards something that could work for both of us.

The second dynamic that I described in that online journal is how on days when I asked him to give me a little space to myself to decompress, he would follow me around our home demanding to talk.  In one post, I even went so far as to go into the computer room and close the door, something I write that I don't typically do and he still opened the door to come in and talk to me.

I didn't write so much about my own behavior so I can't say for sure how I reacted or how I contributed to the problems.  I doubt I handled it all well.  I was new to marriage and new to this kind of dynamic - this is nothing I witnessed growing up.  And I was under a lot of stress.  But it makes me question the amount of guilt I have felt and concern that I treated him so poorly in those early years.

My posts during these three years also had a lot of references to depression and being worried I was falling back into a depression.  The stress of teaching, medical issues, and marital conflict really took its toll on me.

It's interesting what he takes from that time period and how much he held onto how he perceives that time period and how I just put it out of my mind.  I think he hung on to his negative perceptions from those three years and let them color how he saw me for the rest of the marriage.  And I forgot those years and so they couldn't color how I saw him the rest of our marriage.  

My Journey

This blog started in mid to late July.  I kind of wish I had started it when things first started but at that point I had way too much hope to consider starting a "divorce" blog.  This morning before I got out of bed, my mind went through those earlier months this year trying to make sense of how I coped without a support network.

My ex-husband traveled a lot for work in the spring.  He spent at least 7 weeks (in 1-3 week trips) in a city out east teaching plus he took a trip with his family in February and another work-adjacent trip in New Orleans in May.  So it felt like we barely saw each other all spring.  I always used to enjoy a few days of me time when he traveled for work but would come to miss him when the days added up and last spring was no exception.  I remember feeling very happy when the threat of a government shutdown sent him home early for one of his trips.

But something felt different as he came home for those last trips.  It was in late May that he told me he was questioning our marriage.  I didn't tell anyone at first because I didn't want it to color our relationships with friends and family if we ultimately worked it out and I still had hope.

The summer was such a blur that I don't remember how many weeks I went before I finally told a couple close people.  And unfortunately, those first few people I told had limitations on how much they could help.  My parents live 12 hours away.  And the close friend I told had too much going on in her own life (and maybe a few insecurities of her own).  To be honest, when this all started, that is all I had - one close local friend who is half of what was a couples friend and family 12 hours away and of course, the now ex-husband who was the cause of my turmoil.

It wasn't until August that I really started expanding my social networking and finding more supports.

I don't know how I made it through those first weeks and months essentially alone.  I still don't have the close social network of people I'm truly comfortable with.  They are all still pretty new friends and I worry too much about burdening any one person.  So I still often feel quite alone.

Grief vs Fear

One thing that has surprised me is how complex negative emotions can be and how hard it can be to unwrap them so that I can find acceptance and healing.

When I feel grief, is that over the loss of my ex-husband as a person or is the loss over the life I made plans for or is it over a loss of who I thought I was and what I thought I believed?  Do I miss the man?  Or do I miss the life we created together?

And is it really grief or is it fear of an uncertain future?

I live in a time where women still make less than men and more often get passed over for promotions.  And that reality compounds the challenge of supporting oneself on a single salary with such a high cost of living, even in a fairly low cost state.

I live in a time when women can't trust men they don't know (and even many they do know).  The Gisèle Pelicot case in France is a prime example of that.  Over 80 men in a 30 mile radius (fairly rural area I understand) thought it was okay to rape an unconscious woman and it was all planned by the man she thought she could trust, her husband.  That is a lot of men who see women as property to be used for their pleasure!  Even before this case came to light, I felt a lot of fear at even the thought of entering the dating world.  

There's enough fear in loving and being hurt again even without the physical safety concern.  So then I contemplate what a life alone would look like which brings a whole different set of unknowns and fears with it.

So is it grief I feel?  Or fear?  Am I mourning what I used to have or fearing what the future will bring?  And how do I bring my focus back to living in the present?

He just didn't care and hasn't for years. He just pretended to.

As I was out in my city this evening alone, I was reminded of a conversation I had with him months ago, probably in September.  For years, I have asked him to track me on the evenings I'm out alone and when he traveled to check in that I got home.  I had many conversations with him about the security concerns women have and how much I appreciated having him look out for me.

So back in September when my choir practices started up again after we had separated (but were still sharing an apartment) and I found myself out alone at night without anyone checking in on me that first night, I approached him and asked if he worried at all about me being out alone or if the thought at all about checking up on me.  He looked at me with such a dumbfounded look and made some comment about how he didn't want to stalk me (I hadn't turned off sharing tracking with him yet). 

Clearly it had not even crossed his mind to be concerned about me.  And his response was so dismissive, he clearly didn't care at all, not even as a fellow human being.  

Tonight in thinking through that interchange a bit more, I realized that lack of care is not something people can turn on and off.  That means he had not even cared about my safety for a long time.  He had not even cared for me as a human being, let alone the woman he committed to.  

And that lack of care or any concern for me guided the incredibly selfish and indifferent way he left the marriage.  

How could I have so misjudged him?  The man I thought I married never would have been this unkind, cruel, and uncaring to a stranger let alone someone he had claimed to love.

I don't know what triggered me so much tonight.  I had been doing so well.  And tonight I'm a complete mess with tears running down my face as I scootered through my city and now am sobbing in my apartment.

Mother Nature's Healing Hand

Last week I walked along the shore with a Willet (a medium sized shorebird) as we both darted in and out of the waves and heard the crunch of the seashells below our feet.  I also sat in the sand, a flock of birds a short distance a way and watched diverse species interact and co-exist.  I stood at the railing of a bridge and watched a huge flock of Snowy Egrets, Tricolored Herons, and other species and descend on a shaded area of a creek, perched in trees and along the shore as they darted in and out of the water capturing fish.  I paused to take in the significance of shorebirds resting in the sand.

I felt the sun on my face.  I walked through a rain storm.  I listened to the rhythmic sound of the waves.  I felt the breeze toss around my hair, at times obscuring my view.  I paused long enough that the birds forgot my presence.

Being fully present in the marvels of nature, the sand, sea, sun, plant life, wildlife, etc., brings a sense of calm to an often chaotic world.  It reminds me of my place in this world - one small, yet important, interconnected being in a world larger than I can fully understand.  And it reminds me that when the challenges of yesterday have passed, these moments of beauty will still exist.

Peace is giving me clarity

I read Carolyn Hax's advice column in the Washington Post.  Today's letter was about a husband who is an aggressive driver.  Some letters hit home closer than others and today's was an example of that.

I am in the middle of my second long-road trip by myself since the divorce.  One thing I have noticed is how much more peaceful the drive is without him.  I knew his driving and response to other drivers affected me, it was a perpetual argument of ours, but I didn't fully realize exactly how much.

My ex-husband had a lot of pride in the excellent driving skills he felt he had.  And sure, he can maneuver the car well and has great spatial awareness.  But he didn't anticipate other drivers' actions well and he let his emotions take over when he reacted to how others drove.  His aggression and anger would come out the second another driver around him did anything he didn't agree with.  There were many times I felt unsafe and I told him that on multiple occasions, including times where we were away from the car and I thought emotions were lower.

He would accuse me of not being on his side if I didn't verbally agree with his anger at another driver.  In the end, this was on example he gave of a way I didn't validate his feelings.  What I realize now that got lost in that moment was the important feelings that really needed validation - my feelings of being unsafe.

Over time, I learned to cope by burying myself in my phone while he drove so that I just couldn't see it all and would have an excuse not to participate but then he just accused me of being on my phone too much in the car.  He wanted me present with him but he wasn't willing to create a safe environment for me to do that.  In the end, he blamed me for my reaction to his aggressive and unsafe driving.

So with each passing day, as I find more and more peace, I find it impossible not to compare experiences to now vs when he was by my side.  It's giving me a lot of clarity in why this marriage was actually very bad for me and how he didn't have my best interests at heart going back a lot of years.

It's funny the things that are the most intimidating.

I got married right out of college.  I never lived on my own until now.  So I learned to navigate adulthood with a partner.  When that is the way you learn to navigate adulthood, you naturally lean on each other's strengths.  So there are some things you primarily handle and some things they primarily handle.

In my case, my ex-husband handled everything car related.  And that became even more unbalanced in the last decade when I was not regularly commuting by car.  Although I rode with him often enough when we traveled or went out to the suburbs, I very rarely drove on my own since about 2012.

So being suddenly handed over all the responsibility for my car this year has been incredibly intimidating.  And it doesn't help that we switched to EVs this year so my car doesn't really resemble at all the car I owned the last time I had a daily commute by car (in 2012 - I think it was a VW Beetle Convertible - I don't remember if the diesel or the turbo gas engine was the last one I had when I was regularly commuting).

What I feared most was that first trip through the car wash and so I put it off and put it off until I couldn't anymore because my car was covered in salt after a trip to the north.  To maneuver the wheel onto the track, then get it in neutral, then switch to the service menu to find the car wash mode button, and then fold the mirrors all before the car entered the wash seemed like a monumental task.

So today I found a car wash near my hotel and it went so seamlessly that there were tears in my eyes as windows were covered with soap.  It was one of those moments (and I've had plenty these past months) where I felt so empowered and ready to face anything.  If I can do the thing that most intimidates me with my car, I probably can figure the rest of life out.

Social Media

 Social Media makes it possible to see what an ex is up to which is not really a positive thing.  I unfollowed my ex-husband on Instagram, the only social media he uses.  And I had told my family that is what I did so they wouldn't give me updates if they chose to continue following him.  But his account is public and so it requires my own willpower to not go look for his account.  I don't know what made me look tonight when I was in my own good mood get ready for my own travel but I did.

He's out in Las Vegas and exploring the Grand Canyon.  And it hit me hard.  We did so much travel together.  We were great travel partners, or at least I thought we were. We had so many travel plans booked when he decided to walk away so this year has been the year of crumbling plans I had so looked forward to and then scrambling to rethink my time off in a way that I could afford and wanted to do now.

My sister responded to my text stating the Grand Canyon is "overrated" which made me laugh.  When I called my parents, my dad pointed out that love of travel was a gift I gave him.  He really didn't travel much before me.  I don't know how much he would have done if I hadn't encouraged us.  I'm not sure he ever would have left his corner of his home state.  So maybe that is a gift I gave him.

I don't even know what truly bothers me most about it.  Maybe the fact that I enjoyed traveling together with him and so I wish I were there (although I don't really given the year I had).  Or maybe because it seems like he is walking away from this marriage without any consequences.  It just really sucks feeling like the consequences of his decision are resting heavily on me.  And part of me wants him to sit still long enough to actually reflect on what he did, although he probably isn't capable of that.

Audiobooks

I was always an avid reader although it tapered off a bit as my ex-husband watched more and more television. Since separating, I've really been trying to get back into books but have really struggled because I just can't focus.  

I just want to share that audiobooks are a great way to get back into reading.  I may not be able to finish a ebook or paper book, but I have been finishing audiobooks.  Sue Monk Kidd is the author I'm enjoying most right now.  She wrote Dance of the Dissident Daughter which was the focus of my Women's Retreat at church but also wrote some great historical fiction with strong woman characters.  I just finished "The Invention Wing" and am next planning to listen to "The Secret Lives of Bees" which I know is also a great movie.

I imagine that as I find more stability and focus, I'll be able to switch back to ebooks.

Going out alone

One adjustment since the divorce is not always having someone to go out and do things with.  Sometimes I find friends to join me when I want to go out but not always.  I could choose to stay in when I can't find someone but I'm not willing to do that.

So this evening I purchased a ticket to an Improv Show and took myself out for dinner and drinks before hand.  It was really a lovely evening.  I got street tacos from one of my favorite food stalls, found a place at the bar and tried two different seasonal cocktails.  

And then the show was so fun!  I laughed so much that I was still smiling on the walk home.

Would it all have been more fun with someone?  Yes, it definitely would have been.  But I don't want to miss out on life because I'm waiting on people.  So I'll make plans, invite people, enjoy company when I can, and strike out on my own when I can't.

Even when I think I'm doing well, the pain comes back so raw

I finally called to deal with my oldest credit card.  It was an account I opened up around the time I graduated high school.  I still remember my first purchase.  At some point early in our marriage, I added my ex-husband as a secondary account holder to that credit card.  I don't know why he was added as a secondary account holder vs an authorized user.  Maybe to help us get a higher credit limit.  But that decision I made early on in our marriage meant that he could never be removed from the account.  So today my only option was to close the account completely.

And I so I sit here with tears running down my face.  The emotion feels so raw.  I feel right back in the middle of some of the worst of my grieving.  I trusted him.  How could he betray that trust?

Giving my brain a break

I'm at a point right now where I accept that I just will never truly understand and I have recognized that I don't need to in order to find healing.  That's not to say I don't have questions run through my head still but they don't take up as much space.  I don't sit on them so long.

My ex-husband is who is he is.  And he made the decision he made not because of who I am but because of who he is.

I still feel a fondness towards him.  I would be lying if I said I didn't still worry about him.  I hope he made the right decision for himself and that this gives him a chance to find what he needs to discover happiness.  

Now it's time for me to embrace this next season of my life and live fully into who I am.

Sleep

Dare I write about this before I know if this is enough of a pattern?  Six months of sleepless nights really takes a toll on your body.  And for a while there it seemed there was no end in sight.  But this past week I slept.  And of all places, it started with that first night away from home in a hotel in the middle of Illinois.  And then it continued through my stay with my parents in my childhood home, through the hotel night on the way home, and through last night back in my own apartment.  Of those last nine nights, I had only one that I didn't feel was very good sleep.

I won't assume I'm past it all or that I won't be triggered again in a way that affects my sleep but I feel like I have turned a corner.

Life Alone

I'm surrounded by so many great friends and have a supportive family.  And they will walk pieces of my journey with me but at the end of the day I go home alone.  I problem solve alone.  I dream alone.  I do life alone.  

As I find my new normal and rediscover myself, I'm not sure that all that will be nearly as lonely as it sounds.

Because there is freedom in life alone.  Freedom not have to sacrifice for another's needs.  Freedom in doing what I want, on my schedule.  Freedom in not having someone else to add problems to the problems I already have.  Freedom to create the balance I want in connecting with others and finding solace in self.

So as I sit here in a hotel by myself towards the end of a 1600 mile round trip drive on my own in my electric car to spend some really nice time with my family over the holiday, I feel like I can do this.  And I think it's something I might get so used to I won't want to go back to having to coordinate it all with another.

I just want to share my soup with him

I made a great chili and my favorite black bean soup for a work event and came home with a lot of leftovers especially of the black bean soup which was a larger pot to start with.  And all I can think about is how I wish I could share it with my ex.

When a relationship ends so abruptly (at least from my perspective), you go one day from sharing all these things together to suddenly not which creates a huge disconnect.  (Maybe even if it had been gradual there would have been some disconnect.)  And so I find myself in moments like this wishing I could go back and share a moment like this one more time.

I'm a bit angry

I'm angry at generational trauma that gets passed from one generation to the next stuck in a cycle that just creates pain and injury.  I'm angry at how mental health treatment is stigmatized, inaccessible, and unaffordable.  I'm angry at how even basic mental health diagnoses have been questioned in the past during many employment background checks making people even less likely to seek treatment.

I'm angry at how good people get stuck, feel trapped, lack the coping skills, and struggle to find healthy outlets.  I'm angry at all the collateral damage that ripples into each relationship.

But really I'm just deeply sad at what I believe could have been if only....  And yes, I hear myself.  I know what I wanted was just not possible.  I just really loved him.  I wanted to be the one there for him.  I wanted to stand by his side as we faced the world.  And so tonight I'm really grieving that loss.

Did I ever truly know him?

I stumbled across a draft note my ex-husband had written 3.5 years ago.  In it he wrote, "I'm just overall an unhappy person most of the time without a lot to look forward to or appreciation for things even though I should have a lot other be thankful for."  This note had nothing to do with me.  It was other triggers at that time.  The note went on to talk about how trapped, depressed, and anxious he felt.  

Reflecting back, I can think of quite a few external triggers over the years that he dwelled on longer than I could comprehend (some even would come up many years later).  I wonder if he had some of these same extreme feelings with those other external triggers.

My stomach sunk when I read it.  To think that the person I loved so much and was with almost 24/7 (this was as we were coming out of the pandemic) was this unhappy and I didn't even know it is heartbreaking.  It also makes me realize my ex-husband is struggling even more than I could have imagined.  And leaving me is unlikely to actually solve that.  And so I will probably continue to worry about him for some time.

Maybe I lost more of myself than I care to admit

I danced in the rain today and stomped in the puddles.  It was so freeing.  If my ex-husband had been with me, he would have complained the entire walk.  He would have stomped on my joy.  

The worst part is that I didn't even realize the ways he did that.  Sure there were times when it was more obvious where we would go do something I really wanted to do and he would spend the entire time complaining.  I even called him out on in it a number of times because it just seemed so unfair the way I would follow him around car shows and other things that didn't interest me at all, without a single complaint.  I wanted to support him in his interests and I could always find something interesting everywhere I went so I looked for my own joy in the people watching or some other aspect of the outing.  But when it came to my things, he couldn't do the same.

But there were other subtle ways, I just didn't feel like I could live out my joy like on rainy mornings when we would walk to work together.

Now, even in the midst of my worst grief, fears and anxieties, I'm finding greater moments of joy than I did in the every day life of my marriage.

And as I try to rediscover who I am and what I want for my life, I'm stepping out into territory I never could have imagined.  How much was he holding me back?  What did I sacrifice of my own in order to try to meet every need I could of his?  And where did he do the same for me?  Did he even at all?

The more I reflect, the more imbalanced this relationship appears.

There's been a recent shift though where I don't linger here too long.  I think that's why my focus on this morning's walk was my joy.  The absence of his complaints was further down the list in my thoughts.  I think I'm getting to the point where my reflections are becoming more forward facing vs. dwelling on the past.

So I'm going to end this day dreaming of the next rain storm and chance to stomp in puddles.  I'm going to focus on the joy I'm finding in my life.  (Maybe Improv is next on my list.....)

Birds

Yesterday, in a forum I participate in someone encouraged the sharing of bird stories which got me thinking about my connection to birds.  Birds are one of those wild animals that are always around us.  They live in cities, suburbs, rural areas, forests, lakes, etc.  All you have to do is look out the window of where you are and you likely can spot a bird.  So in that way, I feel like they accompany us in life.  

There is a Carolina Wren that sings outside the window of my new apartment most mornings before sunrise and sometimes again after sunset in the evening.  She has a beautiful comforting song that even rises above the rhythmic noise of the trans that frequently pass by.  I miss her this morning as the steady rain comes down but I'm confident she will be back on another day soon.

The Carolina Wren is a stark contrast from the Mourning Dove that haunted me over the summer.  I remember the anxiety and deep sadness I felt run through my body as I sat at my computer desk when she started singing outside the apartment we lived in when we were married.  I think it brought out in me a recognition I had tried to bury deep that my marriage was over.  I'm not sure I can ever forget how I felt in that moment.

The Sounds of Life

As I was trying to decide which studio I could be happy in, I struggled with separating my likes, dislikes, and needs from the likes, dislikes and preferences I advocated for within our marriage.  One of the biggest questions related to noise.  Most of the studio apartments were external facing - some right up against train tracks, some facing a brewery and the interstate, and some on a corner likely to get noise from both.  And then there was the question of how much noise I could tolerate from having people above me.

As a couple, we had always tried to avoid noise.  We looked for top floor units that faced quiet interior courtyards.  My ex hated noise.  He would complain about it all.  And as the marriage ended, I learned he was upset I didn't validate those complaints more.

So my question was, "Do I have an aversion to noise as well or do I have an aversion to listening to complaining about the noise?"

Well, I took a leap of faith.  The timing was right on a mid-floor unit that faced the brewery, interstate, and railroad tracks.  And it was the cheapest priced studio so could allow me to have more wiggle room in my budget.  And that is the unit I chose.

I've now been in this unit for two months and it was a leap of faith worth taking.  I regularly leave my patio doors open so that I can not only enjoy the breeze but also listen to the life happening at the brewery next door - the laughter, conversations, music, trivia, children playing, etc.  It also means I get to enjoy the rhythmic sound of the frequent trains that pass by the tracks just steps away from my building.  There's also an added bonus of a Carolina Wren that often sings before sunrise and after sunset right out my window.  

I can close the door and close out most of the sound if I need to (sound proofing is quite good in this building), but I'm often choosing not to do that.  

I really like the sounds of life.  I think it makes me feel a little less alone.

It's just too much.

I feel like I'm at a breaking point.  I went to bed crying last night.  There was no obvious trigger.  I think it was just the culmination of so much stress.  

This election is tearing our country apart and the damage I fear will be done by the incoming president who doesn't seem to believe in democracy or rights for women or rights for any marginalized group is terrifying.

And that fear trickles down into my job which will be affected one way or another by the decisions of this incoming president and the individuals he appoints.  I hope my office is far enough removed that we don't see the worst of the impact but it could get bad.

The timing of all that with my husband leaving me without an explanation that makes any sense also just feels like he abandoned me.  I play over and over in my head the last two decades, ruminating, trying to understand how the many I thought actually loved me could do this to me.  Or how I could have been so wrong in my understanding that he did love and care for me.  

So the grief is just amplified.  It's not just, "how could he do this to me?"  It's, "how could he do this to me in such a time where we so need to lean on loved ones to get through these challenging times in our country?"  Why now?

I feel so incredibly alone.

I'm so tired.

I'm just so tired every day.  By 6:00 p.m., I'm ready to crawl in bed and so try to do everything I can to stay awake a bit longer.  I realize I haven't had many decent nights of sleep since late May, which is a long time, especially for someone who normally would sleep pretty well.  But the tiredness didn't hang over me the previous months like it has been these past couple weeks.  I don't know what changed.

Part of me worries about depression.  I faced major depression in high school and early college.  I know how terrible it can be so I think there is always a few extra checks in my head to try and catch it early.  But I just don't have any of the other symptoms.  I'm starting to feel some peace.  I'm experiencing so many moments of joy each day.  I'm really starting to get in a better place.  This afternoon I was on a bit of a high as I was able to finally get teleworking to work, then cleaned my apartment after work and went for a nice long walk to get my favorite sushi burrito.  But then it all came crashing down.

The Rain

I have turned to Mother Nature and the rain many times over the past months and tonight was no exception.   It is a dark, windy, rainy night and I had choir practice.  As someone who has fully embraced downtown living, my commutes are almost always on foot or kick scooter so weather matters more than it might if I made use of the shelter of my car.

Before leaving, I had just exchanged a few texts with my ex-husband and he had transferred my car over to me in the Tesla app.  The transfer process went incredibly well but the premium subscription which didn't expire for many months that we had paid for didn't transfer over as well.  As much as my ex assured me it would, I was pretty sure this would be the case so I was kind of expecting it.  But what it does mean is another cost for me right now which is incredibly frustrating.  

And this is all on the heels of going into work Tuesday to discover without warning, they started the process to replace my ID which meant I would not be able to telework for the foreseeable future and would be limited in what systems I could access.  It is going to be a painful couple weeks and a bit stressful as I worry about my already approved telework over the holiday.  And that was after the damaged spreadsheet that is making me re-create 2 weeks worth of data, last week's election, and countless other setbacks.  Maybe I'm rambling but I say all this to set up the mindset I was in.

So as I started on my walk in the rain and wind, my first focus was on how miserable a night it was.  But it didn't take many blocks before I saw the reminder the rain was trying to give me that there is so much in life we can't control.  We can sit and stew and complain about it which accomplishes nothing or we can focus on what we can control - our reaction and what we make of life.

So I looked down at the bright pink rain jacket I was wearing.  It was now big enough to cover my iPad bag so that both my body and my device were staying dry.  Part of my response to the rain (and weather in general) is dressing for it.

And then I just took in the sensations of the rain pouring over my face and let it wash away all the anger, the disappointment, and the sadness of recent setbacks.  There is something so refreshing and nourishing about the rain even on a "miserable" night.

Why is everything so hard?

I have been working on a spreadsheet since the separation to try and organize all my accounts and keep track of where I still needed to change my address, name, beneficiaries, account info, etc.  I can't even guess the number of hours I had spent on it.  Well, with the new IOS update this weekend, it became damaged and reverted to a version more than 2 weeks old.  I've done everything I can to try and recover a more recent version without any success.  So now, I start over going through all my accounts to try and figure out what still needs changing and to try and recreate the work I did on the spreadsheet over the two plus weeks.

I'm just so tired.  The bureaucracy of a name change is overwhelming.  Trying to untangle your entire adult life from someone is so overwhelming.  And I seem to be getting the short end of the stick at every turn.  The spreadsheet glitch is just one example of many of cumbersome processes and setbacks.  I'm just so tired.  And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

And my body is just so tired.  I haven't truly slept well since sometime in May.  I was up at 4:30 a.m. again this morning.  I haven't had a good appetite since sometime in May.  My chronic pain keeps flaring up.  I'm just so tired.

It just feels so unfair that the consequences of his decisions are falling so heavily on me.  And maybe what makes it worse is realizing how much I accommodated him over the years and how little he accommodated me so although I didn't truly realizing it, this imbalance has existed for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to have balance in a relationship.

What's it like to selfishly and dishonestly live your life and then just walk away while the person you claimed to love suffers the consequences?  What's it like to feel relief instead of concern for the damage you have caused?

Loss on top of loss

I know it's the emotions running high.  But it just feels like loss on top of loss on top of loss.  It's not enough that I lost the man I loved and lost any sense of reality and ability trust.  It's all these other little things that trigger the tears and grief all over again.  Today it was my first credit card ever, going back to college.  I even remember the first purchase I put on that credit card.  I stupidly added my ex-husband to that card after we got married as a secondary card holder.  If he had been just an authorized user, I would have been able to easily remove him but they can't remove a secondary card holder who has accepted responsibility.  So now I'm forced to close this account.

I know this sounds really silly but sometimes small things are meaningful and often many small things can add up to something much larger.  This is but only one example of the many losses I have experienced as a consequence of his decision.  

And it just doesn't feel fair.  He hasn't faced any such losses like this.  He's not even having to deal with the painstaking process of changing his name.  I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of the burden of his decisions.  And he doesn't care.  He doesn't care the pain he is causing me.  

Love as a feeling and always looking for the next best thing

He believes we aren’t meant to have life-long relationships because he believes love is just a feeling, not a choice or an action. So he doesn’t make the choice and do the work to love someone. He passively lets it come to him (and flow away from him).

And he is always looking for happiness elsewhere, always looking for the next best thing such that he has never learned to appreciate what is in front of him. 

There is plenty for me to learn and grow from this relationship which I will do but one piece of that is learning to accept that a long term relationship with someone with those two mindsets can never last. Maybe I should recognize the beauty in the fact that he stuck around for as long as he did.

Accommodations he expected of me that he won't make for himself now

I had to deal with him in person one last time as we dealt with a couple joint accounts and transferred titles on our cars.  He got to see a bit in person what I am dealing with as we waited while they sorted out my car registration with my name change which required multiple staff and supervisors to get involved.

We agreed to wait to do the app transfer of my car until after my roadtrip this weekend to make sure I had uninterrupted access to the app while traveling and so he pulled out his phone to add a reminder.  While married, he used our joint gmail calendar for all reminders and he would have the event send an e-mail to remind him.  This cluttered up our e-mail terribly and I asked him many times to use our calendar for events only and not reminders.  I showed him multiple times the reminder app on his phone yet he still resisted.  This was years of annoyances for me.

So you can only imagine the rage that filled me when I watched him open the reminder app to add this reminder.  I asked him why he wasn't putting it on his calendar and he said something about not liking the e-mail reminders.  All these years I put up with this annoyance when he didn't even like it either.  Was he doing it just to spite me?  Otherwise, why?

And then I thought back to his decision on an apartment when we separated this fall.  He hated noise.  He complained about footsteps above us.  He complained about people in the courtyard.  He complained about dogs barking.  He complained about street noise.  And so we always had to very carefully pick our apartment.  It had gotten to the point where he would only accept a top floor apartment in a quiet interior courtyard.  This really limited our options as we apartment hunted plus it always made me feel guilty for wanting to live downtown where noise was inevitable.  We even followed these guidelines any time we had the option of choosing our hotel rooms.

Well when he moved out, he chose a first floor apartment (so noise above him) facing the pool courtyard (there can't be anything quiet about that courtyard).

I thought there was another example of this recently that is currently escaping me.  It just makes me question why I bothered to accommodate him and whether there was ANYTHING he accommodated me on?  Has he been this selfish all along and I just missed it?  Or was he hoping to piss me off enough to get me to divorce him so that he didn't have to do it?  Did my love for him really blind me this much as to who he really was?

I need to release the rage.  I'm sure it is amplified today as I always experience rage and fear over the election results.  I need to remind myself that I entered this marriage with good intentions and I put my best foot forward throughout every step.  I consistently gave him the benefit of the doubt as is so important in a loving relationship.  I respected him.  I acted with integrity.  I'm not saying I was perfect but I was committed to being the best partner I could be and growing and mature to do better every day.  And that is all any of us can ask for.

I can't control him and his behavior.  And I'm not responsible for his behavior even as I face consequences from being the collateral damage.  All I can do is focus on being my best self and making the best decisions I can that are both good for me as well as kind and compassionate to those around me.  So let me take in a deep breath and slowly release it.

A Contentious Election Alone

Polls are starting to close across the country.  We are in the middle of a pivotal election.  Besides the many other things at stake with this election, the results could have significant impacts on my job (on my ex-husband's job as well).  It would have been easier to weather together.  

I just feel abandoned today as I watch the election coverage.  I'm on my own now.  Why did he decide now was the time to run away?  There's so many reasons the timing just seems awful.  This is just one example.  I wonder how much he thought this through.

Waiting to Respond

I'm learning a very good life skill - waiting for my strong emotions to subside before I respond.  His text to me this afternoon was quite inconsiderate.  It brought up all the anger I have felt with how unfair this divorce is going and how much of the burden is falling on me.  Any response I would have drafted in the moment, I would have regretted.  It would have been filled with anger and been unproductive.  So I set my phone down.  I walked away from it.  I did something else.  I made a phone call to my mom.  I figured out how to use the printer in the co-working space of my apartment complex.  And only then did I respond with a very brief, calm response.

My Truth

I've asked myself many times how I could feel it was a good marriage when he says he has been unhappy for so long, when in hindsight it is now clear to me that he had not been investing in the relationship for a very long time.  Shouldn't I have felt the disconnect?  Shouldn't I have felt and/or been bothered by the imbalance?

One thing I have learned about myself that I think speaks to this question is that there was an imbalance in what we were looking to get out of the relationship.  I just don't need much especially as I evolved and matured over the years.  I know how to find my happiness from within.  I know my worth and don't need a lot of outside validation and don't need someone to agree with my opinions to feel secure in what I believe.  And I'm an independent woman who can take care of myself.  

So I wasn't looking for a partner to fill needs like these.  I wanted to partner for companionship.  I wanted a partner to enjoy life with.  I wanted a partner to dream with and build a future with.  I didn't need a partner for my day to day life.  And these more general wants my ex-husband could provide consistently enough without a lot of effort.  

My ex-husband looked to me to fill a lot more needs - validation, feelings of worthiness, help regulating his emotions, etc.  And I could fill a lot of these needs to a certain extent, well enough that I thought I was giving him what I needed.  I just didn't realize (because of his conflict avoidance) how deep his insecurities were and how much more he needed - more than any human could give him.

So from my view and not realizing how silent he was staying, I felt I was getting my needs met and I felt I was meeting enough of his needs.  And because of how much I loved him, the effort I put into meeting his needs didn't feel like work.  It just felt like meeting the man I loved where he was.  

Where does that leave me?  I think it helps me focus on the fact that the marriage was very real to me.  My love for him was very real.  In the midst of all the doubt about which parts coming from him were real, I can feel secure in the fact that my half was real.  And maybe that's all that matters.

The end of a long-term relationship can bring a lot of self-doubt and questions about whether one did enough or whether one should have seen certain signs or even the accuracy of perception.  And I do have some of those doubts and questions.  But I think clarity comes from focusing on what I know to be true and real instead of focusing on what I don't understand about his half of the equation.

I'm stuck

I sit here scrolling and scrolling, stuck to this oversized chair, listening to the crowd outside at the brewery across the street.  I know there are better things I could be doing that would help my healing or help me find rest or prepare me for the week.  I had planned to work on some poetry.  I had planned to start a book.  I had planned to make some food for the week so that I would actually eat.  I had planned to practice my signature with my new name.  I had planned to work through more address and online login changes.  But I'm stuck here only pulling myself away from scrolling long enough to write this post.

I did too much over the last week - divorce support group, life group choir practice, Halloween with a friend, a funeral, a women's retreat, church plus a full week of work.  That's way too much for my introverted self.  I know that.  But I also fear the moments when I feel truly alone so my schedule gets filled.  I'm struggling with balance and when I finally take the time to clear an afternoon and evening to recharge, I don't take advantage of that time.  I just get stuck.

I think this is the point where I'm supposed to practice grace towards myself.

What I've gone through this year would threaten to crush even the best of us.  But I've kept going.  I've done all the things that I know I need to move forward.  I've made lists that not only include the things I know I need to do but also the things other people tell me I probably need.  And I keep checking off those lists which keeps me moving forward.  I do feel proud of how far I have come and how well I am coping but I still feel guilty when I get stuck.

The lows that follow the highs

It's weird how it is all extremes, nothing in the middle.  When I respond that I'm "okay", it's not because I'm actually just okay.  It's because I'm trying to balance in my head the extreme feelings that have washed over me in the last few hours.  One moment I'm walking on water because I've made some great connections, done something really empowering, focused on me and something that feeds my happiness, etc.  The next I'm lost, alone, scared, sad, angry, maybe even on the floor crying in my grief and pain.

So right now I sit feeling so very alone and lost.  All the wind of the day (and the amazing experience I had at a women's retreat) has left my sail.  My eyes want to close.  I can't focus.  I tried an audiobook.  I tried writing.  I even tried watching a mindless show.  But my mind keeps wandering.

When I Suffered, You Did Nothing

When I Suffered, You Did Nothing

You said the loving words
that you thought I wanted to hear
despite the fact
that you didn’t believe them to be true.

You even dreamed the dreams,
made the plans,
and even invested the money
as if we had a future together.

You watched me
adapt, bend, and twist
to meet your ever changing needs
knowing it would never be enough

and I somehow missed
the fact that you weren’t doing the same.
You didn’t see your role.
You didn’t want to.

You stayed silent through it all
with one foot out the door,
as you watched me pour myself
into you and our marriage.

And then when you decided you had enough
you turned the finger on me.
You pointed out my flaws.
You blamed me for my reactions.

You kept your explanations
vague enough and varied enough,
your examples reaching back more than a decade.
The confusion on my face reflected so clearly.

With distorted negative perceptions,
you blamed me for your insecurities
and you blamed me for my strengths.
You still refused to see your role.

You watched my tears fall.
You saw the pain and confusion in my eyes.
You witnessed the weight loss and sleepiness nights
and you did nothing to ease my suffering.

You heard me plea for clarity.
You saw my desperation for answers.
Yet you openly admitted that you had not even bothered
to work through those answers with your therapist.

You walked away as if you had never loved me.
as if you had never cared about me.
You acted like what we once had
never had existed.

You never know what challenges others face

As I expand my social network and create new connections and rekindle old connections, I'm seeing life through different perspectives and I'm viewing people differently.  At first I was frustrated with the people who didn't step up in the ways I thought they would to support me but I wanted to think long game.  These were people who were important to me that I enjoyed spending time with.  I didn't want my challenges to be some test of our relationship.  And fortunately, so many other people stepped up in so many unexpected ways so I just refocused my energy elsewhere but kept the door open.

As the months have passed, I'm seeing sometimes the reason people don't step up for us like we want them to is because they are facing their own challenges in their life.  Sometimes the timing is just off for them to have the bandwidth to support someone else.  Sometimes people disappoint us because our expectations don't match what they are able to do in that moment.

So I'm going to continue trying to give people grace and think towards the long game with the people I enjoy being around and care about even if they can't always be there for me.

App Notifications

How many apps will I have to uninstall and reinstall on my phone to stop the reminders of him (assuming that will work for them all)?  It's not enough to just make sure I am not logged into his account.  Or for him to have changed his password and e-mail.  The notifications still come.

It started with the Delta app.  I got a notification every time his bag was loaded on or off a plane and every time his boarding zone was called.  First it was for a trip I knew about to go visit his mom.  Then it was a trip to the west coast I wasn't even aware of which sent my mind reeling in directions I didn't want it to go.

And then it was the ChargePoint app.  His vehicle is now done charging and drawing very little power, in case I wanted to know - which I don't!

The ironic part is that I doubt he is dealing with the same.  I don't think he had ever logged in as me on his phone to any of these types of apps.  He never needed to because I was the one to handle this kind of stuff, especially travel related.  All he ever had to do was just show up and follow me around as I dealt with tickets, passports, itineraries, reservations, etc.

A Dark Place

In a group meeting last night someone commented that I’m in a dark space right now. I was a bit taken aback as I had not yet looked at these past months that way. To be honest I didn’t quite know if it was true but I think I nodded. Since that comment though, that phrase has stuck with me. It doesn’t feel right. It feels too black and white like it misses the complexity of what I’m going through, the complexity of emotions, the growth, the contradictions, etc.

I’m definitely moving in and out of dark moments. The lows are very low.  But I’m not stuck there. I don’t like labeling an entire season of my life negatively when it also contains plenty of good. The label doesn’t feel like it fits and it feels like it comes with expectations that aren’t right for me. 

So no, I’m not in a dark place. I’m in a period of challenges and growth. I’m falling in low moments as I experience darkness and then picking myself up to find joy. I’m moving through moments of darkness towards the light of healing, growth, and a better, more fulfilling life. And that cycle of darkness and light is ever-repeating just as the sun rises and falls every day.  

He has shown me who he is, it's time to believe him.

I was talking to my IT head today because when HR submits my name change, it will likely immediately deactivate my ID which is used for so much in the office and I won't get a new ID for maybe two weeks.  So I was trying to understand if they had any workarounds because it was going to get very difficult to do my job and as I discovered in that conversation, I would have no telework capabilities for that time period.

The anger in me had been building all weekend as I was overwhelmed with all that needed to be done to separate all our stuff, change my address, and then change my name and I think it boiled over with learning that I would be losing my telework days.  A co-worker came to sit in my office just as I was reeling from all this and it all came out in tears and frustration as I poured out the pain and anger I was feeling.

To not have any answers as to why he did this to me....  To be bearing the brunt of the consequences of his decision.....  To have watched him emotionless this weekend be so uncaring and cold.....  Who is this man?

I will admit in that moment of anger and frustration I sent him a text.  I wanted him to feel the pain I was feeling.  I wanted him to know the consequences of the decision he made and the way he went about making it.  To be honest, I wanted him to care.  The man I thought I knew would have cared.  I wanted to know that man was still in there, that I hadn't been that wrong about him, hadn't misjudged him that poorly.

And I wanted him to know that the worst thing he did to me was the non-explanation that leaves me in so much doubt and confusion.  And that was the one thing he could actually still fix, if he actually cared about me as a fellow human being.

The response that came back was uncaring, cold, and repeated much the same about not being happy.  And then it made a vague statement about how he feels like he deserves "better treatment/more affection".  

How I treated him poorly is beyond me?  I couldn't even guess.  I suspect that his perception is still so clouded over with pessimism that he can't even accurately interpret what he sees in me or that he is holding on to something I did to him 15 years ago that he never told me about.  Am I perfect?  No.  But I am not aware of any specific ways I treated him poorly and I cared enough about him that if he had brought anything up, I would have done my best not to do things that bothered or hurt him.

And I can only laugh at the comment about affection.  He was the one who put limits on affection and backed off on sex.  Looking back, I suspect the resentment goes back to that point where he pulled back on affection and sex.  He doesn't seem to get that resentment kills intimacy.  He chose to hold on to whatever grudges he had without saying a word (and still hasn't said a word as to what those grudges were) instead of communicating and working through whatever issues existed.

So if he thinks he deserves more affection, he actually has to put the work into a relationship to have the hard conversations when he gets upset about something so that he doesn't kill any chance of enjoying affection by holding on to resentment.  

My text this morning accomplished nothing except further rile me up.  I don't know why I sent it to him.  Yeah, I think I do.  I've reached a point in my healing where the good man I had believed him to be is completely crumbling before my eyes.  I'm realizing he never was who I thought it was.  And that is devastating to realize about the man you loved for two decades and invested so much into.  

So as this image crumbles before my very eyes, so does my sense of reality and trust.  That is a shattering thing to experience and so in the back of my mind there is still some denial that maybe I wasn't that wrong about him.  By sending the text, I was facing that denial and so hoped I would see a glimpse of the man I thought he was.  The response back confirmed he never was that man and that who he is showing me he is today is who he really is.  He is an emotionally immature, selfish man who lacks any empathy.

He can put on a good show and even show some sympathy when he wants to and it benefits him but he doesn't have the ability or desire to actually put himself in someone else's shoes and care about how his actions affect them.  Maybe it's really good that I am getting out now.

Seeing what I want to see

Maybe the reason I have struggled to make sense of the explanation he has given me for leaving is that it just doesn't fit with the good man I believed him to be.  What if I have been wrong about him all along and the answer is that he truly is as immature, selfish, and unkind as he has shown me this year?

I'm so angry

As I work through a never-ending list of things to do to separate assets/debts, changing usernames and passwords, and change my name, I'm just so angry at him.  I trusted him.  I made decisions for my life based on lies he has told me over the years and information he withheld from me.  I changed my name to his because I thought he had vowed to protect my heart and be an honest partner in it for the long run and trusted that he would follow through on those promises.

Lack of emotion

I sat down with my ex-husband in a conference room at our apartment complex for about an hour and a half today.  I hadn't seen him in four weeks, since the day I handed him my set of keys to our old apartment after we had spent the day cleaning it.

There was no emotion in him.  He commented that he didn't expect the divorce to be signed this fast so that we would have more time to do all this.  I asked him if he thought everything this year happened so fast to give him whiplash like it had given me.  He hesitated, as clearly it had not.  And there were absolutely no emotions present today.  It felt like a business meeting not the dissolution of an almost two decade marriage.  It's as if he is glad to be rid of me.

I get that he is likely avoiding.  That's what he does best.  I'm sure there are emotions of some sort he has so deeply buried that they will stay buried until the wrong moment when they bubble up in a way that comes with consequences.

I swear he documented every single word that was said by either of us.  I think he spent more time typing than he did actually separating accounts.  I have a lengthy e-mail to prove it.

He specifically had that he would change his log in information on Hulu on the two page typed list of things to do.  And then when I pushed back against that one and requested that I be allowed to continue to have access to it as long as it was paid for by the grandfathered cell phone plan he got to keep (that I had to lose).  I pointed out he not only has a cheaper phone bill (with a better plan) because of that grandfathered plan but on top of that had free access to Hulu.  

Then he was worried I would charge things within the Hulu account.  I asked him what exactly he thought I was going to charge and what I had done to betray his trust at all.  I have been so honest and transparent throughout this process and incredibly fair to him despite how he treated me and how dishonest he has been with me that this accusation really hit me.  And then suddenly it was all moot as he logged in and saw that his credit card wasn't even on file with Hulu as the billing just says it is paid for by the cell phone company.  So I still get access to Hulu.

We still have to get together one more time to go to a couple of places to make changes to assets.  So I'll have to go through this again.

Do you know how painful it is to look someone in the eye who you invested decades in and loved dearly and have them look back at you like you are nothing?  And it doesn't help that I have made clear to him that the explanations he have given me have not been enough to give me any real closure, yet he has done nothing to self-reflect and try to better articulate his reasons to help me with that closure.  That shows such a disregard for someone else's feelings and such a lack of empathy - to care that little about how the way you are leaving that significant of a relationship is so negatively affecting the other person.

I know, when people show you who they are, you should believe them.   And trust me I do.  But that doesn't make the heartbreak any less.  That doesn't fix the trust that he shattered.  How could I be this wrong about someone?  How could I give this much of a benefit of the doubt to someone who hasn't deserved it for so long and maybe never deserved it?

Changing my name

The process has begun.  I obtained a certified copy of the divorce judgment yesterday and then immediately logged onto Social Security's website to start the application for a new card in my new name.   The website encouraged me to then make an appointment to have them review a certified copy of the judgment and they had availability today over the lunch hour.

Yesterday, this felt so empowering.  As I look at the long to-do list of things to do now that my divorce is final, this task felt like the most important one to me personally.  

It feels a bit like a contradiction though.  I didn't want this marriage to end.  I truly loved my now ex-husband and was willing to work through whatever we needed to work through.  I wasn't ready to throw it all away.  That's not to say that now, with time and reflection, I don't realize how that just wasn't possible.  Too much has happened this year that I couldn't go back.  I will never look at him the same or trust him.  But being in a hurry to erase his name just feels like a contradiction from all that.  Or maybe I just recognize how important it is to my healing.  

Earlier today I told someone that I wish I had never changed my name in the first place.  And then my mind went back to all the reasons I did in the first place.  There was a time where I felt proud to have his last name.

So I woke up this morning, admired the plants I had planted on my balcony last night, and got excited about this next step.  And then about an hour before the appointment, the nerves took over.  I don't quite understand it but I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't concentrate.

But I worked through the nerves, put on my shoes, and walked to the Social Security office.  Twenty-five minutes later, I was headed out of there with a temporary social security card in my birth name.  Next week's goal is changing my driver's license.  

Gender and How Society Views Single Men and Women

When my husband got back from his first solo cruise in September, he made a comment to me about how much sympathy he received from so many people for being alone.  

When I went on my solo cruise, I didn't experience the same.  Many just left me alone or ignored me.  But I also got questioned for not having a man.  One passenger as we walked off the ship in Bermuda called out to me "wandering this island all on your own, don't you have a man?"

It just struck me as example of how expectations differ based on your gender and how easily you are judged for things people do not understand.  Overall, our society is far more judgmental of women and quicker to excuse bad behavior by men.  As a result a divorced (or single) man often doesn't face the same reactions and negative perceptions as a divorced (or single) woman.

Twenty-five Pounds!

I stepped on the scale this morning as I try to do every Friday, although I missed the last two Fridays because of my travels.  I was down another 2.2 pounds from October 4 which makes a total of 25.2 pounds since my husband told me he was questioning our relationship in May.  That's a total of over 25 pounds in just 5 months all because of the stress which has affected my appetite, sleep, and body.

I am down two pants sizes and so until I went shopping this week, I had no pants that fit me anymore and many of the dresses I bought last January, I'm swimming in.  I did a little happy dance yesterday as I went to work in pants that finally felt good on me.

I had the weight to lose so it is good that it is gone.  And I admit that I do look good.  But this is not how I wanted to lose it.  And seeing the difference in my body is a daily reminder of the toll my body has taken because of things beyond my control.   It's a reminder of the pain and the hurt.  And so I wish people wouldn't dismiss those feelings so quickly as they look at my weight loss through a lens of jealousy.  I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone.  The weight loss is not worth all the pain I have experienced to get there.

Grace and Empathy

I went back and read this blog from start to date yesterday.  With the divorce being final, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on how far I've come and where I'm at.

I was struck by some of the descriptions and phrases I used at how well they put me back in the moment or how well in retrospect they hit the nail on the head.  I've processed so much over the last three months and spent so much time reflecting to get where I'm at now.  I'm by no means done but I feel movement towards finding closure and starting to heal.

I was also surprised by how much grace and empathy I expressed towards my ex-husband throughout the entire three months.  It was probably one of the most consistent themes.  I don't feel bitterness.  I don't even feel resentment.  There's still plenty of anger and pain but I'm not holding on to it.  I'm moving through it and even in those lowest moments seeing the good.

I wonder if he realizes he is walking away from someone who is still giving him the benefit of the doubt and feeling empathy towards him even as he breaks my heart and treats me the way he has.  When I shared this with one of my friends today, she hesitated and then said that she doesn't intend this to be critical but she thinks I have been being too kind.

It's done. It's over.

On the first business day after the 30 day waiting period had passed, the Judge signed our judgment of divorce.  So as of late Monday, I am a divorced woman, although I didn't get the notice until yesterday morning.  

My ex-husband felt the need to be the first one to tell me with an e-mail early yesterday morning.  Why?  I don't know.  My attorney forwarded me the documents a few hours later and he acknowledged that he knew I would be hearing it from my attorney.

When I got that e-mail, I was at work and none of my close colleagues had arrived yet.  I will admit I closed my door, collapsed on the floor and cried it out.  I knew this day was coming but you never know you will truly feel when it happens.  The finality of it all was overwhelming along with the speed it had all happened.  

How someone can go from appearing to be happy and telling me how much he loves me to telling me he is done to filing for divorce to it all being final in less than 6 months after a 19 marriage is beyond anything I can comprehend.  Honestly, I think it is pretty messed up to be able to run away from a long-term marriage that quickly.

But then after I had cried, I picked myself up off the floor, wipe away my tears, and I went for a walk around my floor hoping to find a colleague to be near.  And I found one and then another and then another.  By 11:00 a.m. I had two offers for plans for lunch.  Before I went to bed that day, I had two offers from friends to hang out in the upcoming days.

And when I changed my name on Facebook and posted about the divorce being final, I got so much support over my name change with a quick offer to change my name on my choir cubby the next day at practice and suggestions to update my e-mail address (which has my married name).

There are so many amazing people in this world if you take the time to get to know them and connect with them.

I did a little something for myself too.  At lunch, I had bought two Swiss chard plants so after work I headed out shopping.  I purchased to window boxes, dirt, and more plants at Home Depot.  And I went to Ross Dress for Less and found four pairs of pants at reasonable prices that actually fit me (two work and two jeans) so now I have pants that won't fall down!  And I picked up some groceries including these amazing scones I'm having for breakfast now.

So after the blessings and emotional challenges of yesterday, I woke up today knowing I was divorced for the first time.  I paused a moment on my Facebook page to see that I really truly had changed my name.  I can't believe it is over.

Chasing the next shiny object

I have reason to believe that my husband has his eye on another woman already.  I will admit that it doesn't surprise me.  Thinking about his behaviors throughout our marriage I should have seen it coming.

I don't remember what our car total got to in the end.  I know we surpassed 20 cars purchased during our marriage a couple (few?) years back.  Yes, that is an average of more than one car a year.  And if you consider that early on in our marriage when we had less money, we managed to keep cars for about 3 years.  That timeline quickly sped up to less than a year, sometimes only 6 months as the years progressed.  These past years, living downtown where I can walk most places, I drove so infrequently that I got to the point where I wouldn't even familiarize myself with a new car until I actually needed to drive it.  There are a number I never drove before we sold them.

At times, I tried to push back to slow him down but it never worked for long.  He was so programmed to need instant gratification and always chasing the next shining thing.  The research for the next car would start as soon as the new car was parked in the garage.

I now realize that was because he hasn't figured out that happiness needs to come from inside.  Happiness gained from external sources is fleeting.  It gives you those moments of joy before the newness wears off and then you are left with nothing.  You never learn to appreciate what you have because you are so focused on what must be better that you have not yet obtained.

And throughout our marriage, I realize now, he depended on me so much to provide the happiness for him, to validate him, to give him his worth, etc.  And he was quick to criticize when I fell short - something that was bound to happen often because those are not the kinds of things a partner can provide for you.

So he's now out there looking for his next shiny object wondering if this time his infatuation will be returned, thinking that maybe another woman can do a better job providing all those things for him that he really needs to learn to provide for himself.

To be honest, I feel a deep sense of sadness.  I grew to truly love this man and the last thing I want is for him to live a miserable, unhappy life because he is always chasing happiness instead of creating it from within.  And I fear he will never learn how to self-reflect in a way that helps him understand how he is sabotaging what could be a chance at real happiness.

Lessons from my first solo trip as a single person

I am in the last few hours of my train ride home after being gone the last 12 days of traveling.  I visited New York City, took a cruise to Bermuda, and visited Washington DC plus had hours of time to think on the train rides and the sea days out to Bermuda.  To be honest, every day of this divorce journey process seems transformative but that feels to be even more true of this trip.  Let me share some of the lessons I learned.

You have to sit with the uncomfortable feelings long enough so they no longer have as much power.  Unplugging on the sea days with no connection to the outside world was so hard.  I was lonely.  I felt isolated.  Such a variety of emotions flooded over me that it was overwhelming at times.  But I think not having many internet minutes was a blessing in disguise because it forced me to sit with those feelings.  I think by the end of the last sea day, they were starting to hold just a little less power, although I still have a ways to go on this.

Nature and connections heal us.  The more you can slow down and connect with the world around you, the better you can gain perspective and find some healing.  I spent so much time on this trip writing and reflecting.  And I used art, sunrises and sunsets, the motion of the train, flowers, the waves, etc. all as inspiration to mediate on, reflect on, find symbolism in, and write about.  I think this was the most important thing I did all trip.  So take the time to stop, be fully present, find a comfortable park bench or chair, and really connect with something around you that speaks to you.

I need to reassess my relationship with my phone and social media.  It is getting in the way of focusing on the things that would be so much better for me, like reading more and focusing on the world around me more.

Face your fears.  I'm a 42 year old woman who has never lived alone before.  I don't honestly know how to live a single life.  I mean I understand all the practical aspects of it.  I get the responsibility.  But having the emotional tools to find happiness in that is completely foreign to me as is depending on a larger social network.  So this is all really scary.  I'm finding though that my fears get a little smaller each time I face them.  So I'm actively putting myself out there to do things (both small and big) that scare me a bit to lessen those fears.  This trip I explored a foreign country completely on my own - navigating a ferry system, figuring out where I wanted to go, interacting with locals, etc.  And the small fear I faced was walking over grates (as you saw in my last post).

A solo trip is your chance to try new things and learn what you like and what you don't like.  I leaned into art far more than I have in the past and really enjoyed that.  I need to lean more into that interest.  And I confirmed that photographing flowers really is a happy place for me.  That is an interest I don't want to let go of.  On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not sure how much I like solo cruising, at least at this stage in my journey.  Maybe someday that will change again, but right now I'm going to stick to either cruising with other people or finding other ways to travel.  

I'm sure these aren't the only things that I'm taking with me from this trip but I thought I would share some of my initial thoughts and reflections.

Walking Over Grates

I have always had a bit of fear of walking over a grate and so avoided them whenever possible.  My husband generally humored me but I always wondered if he just found me a bit silly.

Upon arriving in New York City last week, I was confronted with grates everywhere.  With a subway system under the city, they just can't easily be avoided.  So I thought to myself "what I am really fearing here?"  And I started thinking about fears of the uncertainty of my future as the only life I know has been shattered.  

Why do we let fear get in our way of living?  Fear doesn't stop the future from coming.  It just stops us from being able to truly live and be present in that future.

So I vowed to stop avoiding grates.  And with each grate I encountered and boldly walked over, my fearlessness started to rise.  Not at all unlike the experience I have been having in putting myself out there socially.  With each experience and connection I make, I feel just a bit more fearless.

Maybe the key to not only surviving this but thriving from this is to keep facing my fears and moving through them.  

So now that I am in Washington DC which also isn't lacking in grates, I now fearlessly cross each grate I encounter.

When this process is over, I'm not sure I'm going to recognize myself - I already feel quite a bit foreign when I look in the mirror.  I'm not sure my soon-to-be ex-husband would recognize me either.

Finding Identity in Gender Roles

So I’m reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. And with so much time to read, write and stare at the sea right now, it’s sitting with me a bit more deeply than it might if I was reading it in the middle of the chaos of life in general.

This book really talks about the identity that women find in the roles they live out (wife, mother, daughter) based on patriarchal values ingrained in our society. These roles are often defined by men and through thousands of years have demoted women and the roles they play to lesser roles. It really stuck with me the comparison to the environment. We view Mother Nature and our Earth as feminine which may have been at the root of how easily we destroyed her and were careless with her.

So how does this all relate to me and my divorce journey? I saw myself as someone with a good sense of self independent of being a wife or daughter. I think it has always been there to a degree instilled in my through my family values but I think I also really grew into it as I matured especially in my thirties. And I think my husband saw that strong sense of self especially as it grew stronger in the last decade and felt threatened by it.

As our marriage was breaking up, he made some comments that really made me question his views on gender and gender roles. I don’t think he is outright sexist or a misogynist but I do think he has some internalized values about gender that he may not even be fully conscious of.

Fast forward to today as I find myself in solitude with so much time to think, read, and write, and I find myself questioning my identity and how much of it was founded on my role as wife. Just because outwardly I felt a strong sense of self independently does not mean I too don’t have internalized values about gender that I am or at least was not fully conscious of. Unwrapping the intricacies of the drastic changes that come with the dissolution of a long-term marriage that covered essentially my entire adult life has shattered so many assumptions I had about myself in ways I still don’t really understand.

How would this have been different if I also carried the role of mother? The others in my divorce support group are all mothers and they all talk about how they are able to pour their attention and energy into their children, especially those with young children, as a distraction to dissolution of their marriages. Without that distraction and that continuing female role to lean on for identity am I being pushed into identity crisis faster?

How much am I leaning back on the role as daughter as I flounder in this time of uncertainty? I think it helps that my parents are many states away so I can’t easily run to their physical presence. I also think it helps the values they instilled in me early of independence even as a woman. But I still lean on them. And I’m anxious to get back to the last name that represents my relationship as daughter to them. Although the last name conundrum is really a challenge for women - which male’s last name do you want to claim as your own? Your father’s or your husband’s?

Traveling Solo

My cell phone functions as a camera
and nothing much more.
The airplane symbol displays.
I am far, far out at sea.
Nothing can be seen on the horizon.
The solitude threatens to overwhelm.

My body rolls and sways
as the waves push against the ship.
Ship technology a moderating influence
still leaves it at the mercy
of the moods of the ocean,
as I am to life’s uncertainties.

One last coup of coffee in my hands,
I stare out at the deep blue sea.
I surrender to the motion,
acknowledging that which I cannot see
far beyond the visible horizon.
I breathe in and out.


I’m traveling solo for the first time since the separation. This solo trip is quite different than past ones where I was still in constant contact with my husband and could still share the experience with him virtually. He was always a text or phone call away. This time it truly is just me. Maybe some day that will feel freeing. There are some great advantages to traveling solo. But right now it just feels isolating. And maybe a cruise to such an isolated, far away island, Bermuda with very limited internet wasn’t a best first choice. Or maybe forcing me to face the solitude is exactly what I need right now in my healing journey despite how incredibly hard it is.

I talk a big talk

I feel like I talk a big talk.  I know what I need to be telling myself to heal and what I need to be doing so I say it out loud, repeatedly.  People tell me how strong I am or how impressed they are with how I'm coping.  But I don't always feel inside the words I say.

The quiet part inside of me is just crying "why?"  The fears and uncertainties loom large.  The silence at the dinner table seems so loud.

And constantly stepping into these fears is just exhausting and overwhelming.  I keep moving forward.  I keep doing all the right things but I am just so tired.

I took the overnight train to New York City this week and talk about sensory overload when I stepped out from the train station!  I've traveled big cities before and never felt anything like this wash over me.  At first I thought maybe it's just New York City and a different vibe but I wonder if it is just this exhausting, overwhelmed system of mine not able to cope as well as it normally would.  And maybe the culmination of doing things that frighten me on almost a daily basis these past few months.

So on the outside I might look like an incredibly brave, strong woman but inside I really just want to crawl up in a ball and hide from the world.  I may say all the right things about learning to be my own best friend, reveling in me and who I am, but if I'm honest, I'd really rather turn back time, un-know all I know now, and do all this beside the person I thought was my best friend and husband.

Turning it off like a faucet

It feels so foreign how my marriage seemed to get turned off like a faucet, no gradual decline, just a switch where in one moment it felt good and in the next it was gone.   One day we were exchanging "I love you"s, "Good morning"s and "Good night"s and the next day nothing.  I am struggling with that all or nothing pivot.  And I'm struggling to make sense from his end.  Was there a gradual decline for him and he kept up all the words and actions to try and convince himself otherwise?  Or because he selfishly feared my response to the truth?  Is he feeling any of the same whiplash I am feeling?  Even if he was pretending for some time, it still is a pretty stark switch.

Or was he never really all that invested and just going through the motions?  Or maybe he has just been floating through life in general without purpose or intention such that he wasn't so invested in anything.

I've always known my husband struggled more in life than I did and he never got the amazing help I got from a therapist when we were still living in the midwest.  He struggled with communication.  He struggled with dealing with conflict.  I knew he had some struggles with self-worth.  Much of it stemmed from his childhood.  Honestly, it's such a common story.  I suspect we all walk away from childhood with wounds to some degree that we need to work through as adults.  And I knew he hadn't done the work to deal with those wounds although I did see some growth in how he related to his mom (which didn't please her and I got the blame for - she wanted to keep him in unhealthy dynamics).

But I never expected him to put the blame for all that on our marriage, on me.  I never expected him to walk away from the one relationship where he actually had support and acceptance.

I wonder how his visit with his mom is going.  I wonder if he thinks of me at all or if he has found a way to turn it off completely.  Avoidance is his strong suit.

Our bodies hold stress

I have been fascinated and a bit horrified at how the stress of this journey has affected my body in what feels like extreme ways.

As of last Friday, I have lost 23 pounds since mid-May.  I'm really enjoying how I look and the clothes I fit into but stress isn't the way I wanted to lose weight.

My appetite is still not back.  In the beginning, I was nausea enough that I called it an accomplishment if I managed to eat something once a day.  Now, I'm getting in at least 2 meals a day, sometimes three although without much snacking at all and my meals are much smaller than they once were.  This has had the advantage that since I'm not enjoying food and not eating as much I'm focusing on healthier foods for the little food I do eat and so I have had very little heartburn for a change.

I think I took almost 4 months off from alcohol completely which even now that I have had a few drinks has significantly changed my relationship with alcohol.  I guess this is for the better in the long run as well.

My sleep has been off since mid-May.  That's about five months of poor to mediocre sleep which has been rough for someone who usually sleeps pretty well.  This has been a huge negative and being physically exhausted makes it harder to deal with emotional exhaustion.

My resting heartbeat jumped up all summer and just this month (specifically the last 8 days) has made a significant drop.  Interestingly the drop happened the day after I handed over my keys to the old apartment.

My menstrual cycle has gotten shorter and lighter.  I don't know what that means for my hormones.  Or maybe it's the start of perimenopause.  I don't know.

I'm still battling foot pain and pain in my lower back and hips.  So there really hasn't been much of a change there.  The back and hip pain started a couple years into my marriage so there is this thought in the back of my head wondering if stress from the marriage that I wasn't really aware of has been the cause of that pain.  Doctors have not been successful in finding the cause so I wonder about unseen causes like stress.

Time will tell how my body settles down as I become more confident in this next chapter of my life and this new version of myself.