I danced in the rain today and stomped in the puddles. It was so freeing. If my ex-husband had been with me, he would have complained the entire walk. He would have stomped on my joy.
The worst part is that I didn't even realize the ways he did that. Sure there were times when it was more obvious where we would go do something I really wanted to do and he would spend the entire time complaining. I even called him out on in it a number of times because it just seemed so unfair the way I would follow him around car shows and other things that didn't interest me at all, without a single complaint. I wanted to support him in his interests and I could always find something interesting everywhere I went so I looked for my own joy in the people watching or some other aspect of the outing. But when it came to my things, he couldn't do the same.
But there were other subtle ways, I just didn't feel like I could live out my joy like on rainy mornings when we would walk to work together.
Now, even in the midst of my worst grief, fears and anxieties, I'm finding greater moments of joy than I did in the every day life of my marriage.
And as I try to rediscover who I am and what I want for my life, I'm stepping out into territory I never could have imagined. How much was he holding me back? What did I sacrifice of my own in order to try to meet every need I could of his? And where did he do the same for me? Did he even at all?
The more I reflect, the more imbalanced this relationship appears.
There's been a recent shift though where I don't linger here too long. I think that's why my focus on this morning's walk was my joy. The absence of his complaints was further down the list in my thoughts. I think I'm getting to the point where my reflections are becoming more forward facing vs. dwelling on the past.
So I'm going to end this day dreaming of the next rain storm and chance to stomp in puddles. I'm going to focus on the joy I'm finding in my life. (Maybe Improv is next on my list.....)
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