Cantaloupe

Today at the farmer's market I bought a cantaloupe.  It was smaller than a watermelon which I figured would be too unmanageable for my just under 2 mile kick scooter ride home.  So I chose the cantaloupe.

When I got home, I cut the fruit in half and paused.  I think I knew it had seeds but I don't know that I expected to be scooping them out like a squash.  Have I really never cut a cantaloupe before?  As I cut the fruit into chunks to put in a plastic tub, it really was a foreign experience to me.  

My husband's high school job was in the produce section so I often (but not always) deferred to him when it came to cutting up produce so then I wondered whether we ever buy cantaloupe.  I couldn't remember the last time.  I know my husband doesn't like honeydew very much but I thought he ate cantaloupe, maybe?

So then I started wondering, do I like cantaloupe?  What motivated me to buy this fruit?  I don't know.  Maybe just because I can.  Or wanted to do something different than we usually do.

Anyway, I do like cantaloupe but I didn't do a very good job picking a good one.  Oh well, it's fruit to eat this week.

I wonder what other strange experiences I will have as I forge a life completely of my own.

We made these plans together.

My husband left this morning alone for a trip we had planned together.  There is such an emptiness in me.  Tears seem stuck behind my eyes.  I didn't expect to feel this way this morning.

One of the things we did together was travel.  We would book things years in advance to have trips to look forward to.  The excitement we shared to find our next trip was contagious.

So I can still remember when we first picked this one and what we were most excited and when we had to move it for another commitment.

So it's hard sitting here at home, knowing that not only am I missing out on an experience we planned together but also knowing there will be no more experiences we have together.

The extreme highs and lows of this process are insane and hit me when I don't expect it.  Yesterday, I was on an extreme high as I filled my social calendar and admired the person I was becoming.  Today, I've hit so low of a low, the tears don't even want to come.

Making new friends

There is this high I feel from making new friends and connecting with new people that I have never experienced before.  

All my life I have struggled with friendships.  I have been shy and introverted.  I have hesitated to reach out to people and been terrible even about keeping in contact with good friends.  As a child, friendships didn't last and I'm no longer in contact with anyone from my high school days and the last friend I have from college, I haven't talked to in a couple years so I'm not sure how much of that friendship I even have left.

During my marriage, my husband was my main friend.  That's not to say I didn't ever connect with co-workers or with fellow choir members and after moving south, we did make friends with a very nice couple.  But overall, my social network has been very small and most of my social interactions were just my spouse and I.

I think part of that has always been internal.  I had convinced myself I didn't really need anyone and wasn't good at it.  After enough failed friendships, it felt natural to just give up and focus on being independent.

But I think part of that over the last two decades was also the nature of my marriage.  Since my husband wasn't willing to branch out himself and I always worried he resented my few outside connections (like choir), I think I felt some limits.  I'm not trying to say he ever told me I couldn't go out with friends but I always got the sense he would feel left behind if I did very often.  I even had a number of conversations with him about how I thought we would be better together if we invested more in some outside interests and encouraged him to find something to get involved in like I was involved in choir.  He always seemed dismissive of that.

And as this marriage broke up this summer, it came out that he wanted a wife who did even more with him which struck me as a bit odd since we do almost everything together.  If I had gone out with more friends, it would have taken time away from our time together as a couple which I think would have been healthy and strengthen our time together but I now understand he would have perceived as negative for the relationship.

So here I am today in the process of losing my best friend and the only relationship I truly invested in over the last two decades and I'm realizing I need more.  I'm realizing I need a much more expansive social network so that I'm not depending on one single person.  Making friends is no longer just a nice thing to do or a luxury.  It's actually a necessity if I want to come out of this in a better place.  So it is pushing me in a way I didn't expect and it is showing me I am far more capable than I give myself credit for.  And it feels amazing.

So I walk away from a baseball game with new friends in such amazing spirits.  And when I connect with my yoga instructor, it brings a smile to my face.  And when two colleagues sit down in my office for a longer social conversation than I would have tolerated previously, I just sit back and soak it in.  And then I start filling my calendar with things to do.

I'm really feeling a setback this week.

The anxiety was high yesterday with the meeting with my attorney, not because I was worried about what she would say - I felt good about our agreement and just wanted a second set of eyes on it, but because it is one more step toward finality.  And then yesterday evening, my husband paid the fee online for his attorney and sent them everything they need to draft all the paperwork.

In addition, this week I have still been going through our stuff.  I opened a giant rubbermaid tub after work yesterday that I thought was all my keepsakes as a child and found so many photos, letters, and mementos from our dating years, wedding, reception, and marriage.  I even found a copy of the vows we took and the poem our parents read for our ceremony.  The love expressed in the letters and cards my husband wrote me over the years (as recently as 2018) just feels so real reading it even today.  I don't know that he could have been pretending for all of those years.

My husband came home to find my crying on my bed surrounded by so many memories.

He shed some of his own tears yesterday evening too as he went through things and I'm really surprised by how many photos of me he is keeping.  If he truly cared that much about me, why did he never in the 19 years of our marriage take the time to learn how to communicate?  Why choose to sit alone in misery when you have a good woman by your side?  And then why throw that all away without any attempt to work on it?

I don't know why I'm fixated on this.  It's too late now.  Too much is in motion and I have too much clarity to go back to the status quo.  It would take significant change and reflection on his part for me to even consider reconciling.  And even then, I would have to get over all the hurt and pain he caused and by that time the divorce would be final.  Why would I give someone another chance after going through all that?

It's not always the moment you expect that hit you the hardest.

I went to church this morning.  I have made a point to attend every Sunday this month because this month's theme is "Meltdowns" and I think it has been helpful to read about important people in the Bible having their own meltdowns and what we can learn from them.  The sermons sometimes are hard though because they really hit close to home.  I left the first two Sundays in tears.

This week though it wasn't the sermon that really affected me which was the story of Martha and Mary.  It was the prayer led by a long-term member of our church who talked a bit about his long marriage and then he transitioned into talking about the people in his life who have influenced him for the better.  He encouraged us all to think of someone who has been a strong influence in our life and reflect on that person.

One person who has had such a significant influence in my life has been my husband.  There may have been issues with our relationship but he is a really good man and I know his actions have encouraged me to grow and be a better me over the years.  The tears that rolled down my cheek were a mix of appreciation for the role he played in my life and sadness that he wouldn't continue to play that role.

A wave of sadness

I am sorting through my jewelry and we are going through our filing cabinet.  And a wave of tears just washed over me.

When you plan your whole life with someone.  When you dream together.  When you invest in them, the relationship, and your shared goals.  When you plan for a retirement together.

To see all that crumble in such a tangible way as untangling all those material things that represent your life together is heartbreaking.

All because he took the easy way out of burying resentment and then running when it got too hard instead of talking, working together, and investing in us.

Comparing your journey to others'

I've joined a Facebook group for women over 40 facing separation, divorce, etc.  I've talked to colleagues and friends who have been through divorce themselves.  What I'm learning is that no two journeys are the same and there is a lot of danger in trying to compare yours to others'.  

This is a time where I am finding the most value in looking inward, not outward.  It's a chance to reflect on my life, my goals, and even the fundamentals of who I am.  It's a chance to really get to know myself and focus on loving the person that I am and the person I will continue to evolve into.

And part of that inward work is focusing on what I need to heal.  None of that relates to relationships other people have had with their ex-spouses or things other people may have experienced.

On multiple occasions, I have been really tempted to leave the Facebook group but then there is a nugget of a helpful conversation so I don't but I think at some point the negative of hearing so many others' experiences will outweigh the positive little nuggets I get.  I do scroll past posts a lot faster than I did in those first days.

That's not to say others don't get benefit from groups like this.  I just think it's important to be careful you don't fall into a comparison trap.

Important Discussions

I don't completely understand how two people can sit across a kitchen table together and with honesty, respect, and kindness have a rational discussion about how to divide up all their assets and debts and what alimony should be paid yet couldn't have the necessary conversations throughout their marriage about how to make the relationship work.  There's just this big disconnect here.  

Maybe the reason we lasted as long as we did is because we work together so well on practical issues and we are so often on the same page about big decisions.  He didn't have to worry about avoiding conflict when it came to so many important things because we just weren't in disagreement on those things.

How fast things can change!

Just this past spring when Paul was traveling so much for work, the nights started to get lonely.  It was always nice to have a little time on my own and the quiet without the TV but eventually I started to miss him.  I was under the delusion that our marriage was solid.  I was under the delusion that we were working towards shared goals and this time apart for work was part of that.  As much as I thought I knew him and think I still do, I was so ignorant to a certain piece of him that was unhappy.

Now, I have a night to myself and I don't know what to think.  I don't know what to do.  It's hard to miss him on these short business trips when he hasn't really been present for me in the weeks before as we try to co-exist in the same space while separated.  This doesn't even really feel like home anymore.  I feel a bit like an invader in someone else's life.

I think it doesn't help how indifferent he acts.  It's as if there is nothing at all awkward about all this for him as if this isn't all that difficult for him.  I recognize that may just be a front he is putting on but it just creates such a disconnect for me.

Romance Movies

My soon to be ex-husband has always enjoyed a good comedy and really likes horror movies.  He would watch romance movies with me but I don't recall him ever being really into them or suggesting them himself.

Now that he has decided he wants a divorce and we are separating yet still sharing the same apartment, he has an interest in romance movies.  He's watching one now by himself in the living room because I left the room when he put it on.

Is this to help him stay in this fantasy world he lives in?  A way to continue feeding his unrealistic expectations of a relationship?

Does he not find it at all awkward to choose movies like this with me sharing space with him?

Daunting

The amount of work involved in changing e-mail addresses, passwords, separating online accounts, creating new online accounts, etc. is daunting.  And I will have to do the whole process over again with a name change in the months to come.  We were a couple that had just about everything joint.  What makes it all worse is to listen to your husband complain about it every day - remember he is the reason we are doing all this in the first place.

My weight stabilized this week

The nausea is finally gone so I'm able to eat three meals a day and occasionally I even feel hungry.  When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was actually up 0.3 pounds from last week.  Maybe I'm reaching a turning point.

This week I have felt a lot more future focused and I really haven't had any meltdowns since Sunday.  Even talking to a friend last night who I hadn't talked to in a long time didn't bring tears to my eyes.  I think I have fully accepted reality.  I think I'm recognizing that this actually ultimately will be to my benefit.  My husband was complaining about something again last night and it was just a relief to know I wouldn't have to hear his negativity anymore once this is over.

He might become a real man

I talked to my therapist yesterday about the real conversation I had with my husband Sunday evening.  At one point in the conversation my therapist said to me, "he might become a real man".  My response was "I know."  I didn't say it out loud but I also thought to myself, "I hope he does."

I don't say that because I want to get back together with him.  I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed.  I say that because I still really care about him and I want nothing more than for him to experience what it feels like to be whole.

He has put me through so much hurt and pain.  And even in the relatively good times, I think there was an underlying energy that negatively affected me.  But I still believe he is a good man.  I think his heart has always been in the right place, it just wasn't capable of what I hoped for.  I think his intentions have always been good, he just didn't have the self-reflection to understand the effects of his actions.

Maybe this all sounds like making excuses for him but that is not what this is about.  He knows he has work to do on himself and he is taking action to do that work.  Regardless of his intentions or where his heart is, he is responsible for his actions and he is suffering the consequences of those actions.  He doesn't need excuses.  But he probably can use some grace and empathy.

I feel sad for what he has experienced and hope it will be the motivator for some healthy change into being a whole person.

Making plans

With divorce comes so much loss that goes beyond just the relationship.  There is a loss of a standard of living, a loss of future plans, a re-thinking of future goals, even some loss of self.  For me, part of the healing process is starting to think about new future plans and goals to replace what was lost.

So this week that has come in the form of dreaming about my new apartment, how I want to set it up, and what I need to take with me and buy to make it feel like home.  

It has also come in the form of making new vacation plans.  We had trips planned all the way out until 2026.  Two were paid in full and non-refundable so we each are taking one of those but most of the rest will just get cancelled.  

In their place though, I'm coming up with some exciting ways to spend my time.  I'm going to join my parents on a trip later this year and so this week booked some hotels for the travel to and from that trip.  I also have some final details to figure out with the one trip we had already planned that I will get to take. 

And I'm thinking through how to re-imagine one of the trips next year that I can't fully cancel because it includes my family (nor do I want to cancel) but I also can't stick with our exact original plans for the trip for several reasons.  This one is a little bit more challenging to think through for two reasons, one financial and the other emotional.  No matter what I do, it will stretch my budget a bit.  And it will be on the ship where we were married in the month when we would have celebrated our 20th anniversary.  But I am confident that I can make it work in a way that I can afford and that continues my healing journey.

So today's lesson has been in making new plans to turn my focus on a bright future.

Two days of calm

I have felt calm these last two days, in a way that I haven't experienced in quite some time.  I don't know if this past weekend just gave me the closure I needed or taking that first big step of securing an apartment just shifted my focus or if these first two days of this week or were just a complete fluke and tomorrow I'll be a mess.  I'm really hoping it wasn't just a fluke though and that this is a sign of healing.

The calm has allowed me to start dreaming of a future.  I've been adding things to the Amazon cart and pouring through Bed Bath and Beyond's website to come up with a list to take advantage of a 20% off the entire order coupon.  I've been thinking through what I want to take with me and what I want to leave behind.  I've been studying the floor plan to consider how I might set up my apartment.  And I'm working my way through online accounts changing e-mail addresses and passwords and creating new accounts where I didn't have my own.

Right now, the future seems bright.

Raw emotion

I had the most real conversation with my husband this evening, one that was so uncharacteristic of our marriage and displayed so much vulnerability and raw emotion.  It was heartbreaking and really gave me some insight into why we are where we are now and why we can't go forward together.  The grief that washed over me at what could have been and what was being lost was overwhelming as I looked him in the eye and listened to his own pain.  I don't even fully know what to make of it as I process it alone in my own room.

One little nugget sticks out though.  He thanked me for teaching him how to set boundaries with his mom.  He even shared that his mom called him by my name once during his recent visit when she didn't like the influence I had over him to set some boundaries.

This may be the end but the ways we each touched the other's life will carry forward with us, in some ways that are more obvious like this example and in many other ways that we don't even realize.

Big steps forward are especially emotional

With all the talk about apartments, I said to my husband, "You know signing a lease will be the first big financial decision we are making to separate.  Everything else we have done thus far has been small and reversible."  The response I got was complete silence, a non-response, and then he went back to his computer.

He had been silent since returning home from visiting his mom as to where his head was at and what we were really doing so what I really wanted was confirmation that this was truly the next step I needed to take.  I didn't want to be the one to make take this big step to separate based on assumptions.  I thought back to how many decisions I had made with him over the last year without having all the information in his head so I knew I needed more.  He needed to actually verbalize his thoughts.

To get silence as if this big step not only didn't mean anything to him but also as if I wasn't even worth the communication to make sure we were on the same page, was so painful.  And it went against all his promises to be completely transparent throughout this process to make it as easy as possible on me.

I pushed further by outright asking him if this is truly the direction we were going.  He got a bit defensive saying he thought it had already been decided.  I told him he had not communicated anything to me and been really silent about where things were at.

I then left the apartment and walked down to the office to talk to the leasing agent.  She was busy so I had a chance to just enjoy the breeze by the pool for a bit until she was available.  And then I asked my questions about the unit that had shown back up on the website.  We got to the end of our conversation and she asked "are you ready to do this?"  I told her "I think so" and then started crying.  

I returned to my apartment and told my husband I was applying and completed the application online.  That brought even more tears to my eyes.  This isn't where I wanted to be.  I never imagined I would be forging a life completely on my own at 42.  Taking this step brought me right back to all the tears I shed that first weekend as I carried all my stuff into the second bedroom.

What matters I guess has changed

My husband has (had?) an aversion to noise that has dictated where we lived for a number of years.  We moved to a top floor after he realized how much sounds from an apartment above he bothered him.  We moved to an interior courtyard when he realized how much car noise bothered him.  We asked for hotel rooms on top floors away from elevators and noise.  

And even with all those considerations, we still haven't avoided all noise and so I have listened to more hours of complaining about barking dogs, cars, sirens, etc. than I can even count.  To the point where at times I felt guilty for wanting to live downtown and feared I would have to give that up.  The fact that I couldn't continuously validate every complaint is one reason he has given for wanting out of the marriage.

So imagine my surprise now when as he is talking about what apartments he is considering, he is seriously looking at ones that are not on the top floor and that face noisy areas.  If he can suddenly overcome this now, why in the world did I have to put up with it for so many years?

To add to that, his sudden interest in any apartment in the complex, is making it really tough for me to make my own decision such that I don't end up in the apartment next door to the one he ultimately chooses.  I need some space.  At first, he was going to stay in our current apartment and so it was pretty easy for me to figure out how far away from this apartment I needed to be.  Then he started talking about moving to another fifth floor, so I figured I could just avoid the fifth floor.  But now?  I don't know.

Today I saw emotion for the first time in a long time.

This morning he had tears in his eyes.  I don't really know why.  All I know is that he seemed to be re-thinking how we were handling one aspect of our property division.  And then this evening he came home early and was in quite a mood when he got home so I questioned him.  His response was that he is going through a lot and that everyone seems to think it is a cake walk for the person leaving.  I told him I had not made that assumption but asked him not to take it out on me.

But oh how I wanted to point out to him that we are only here today because of all the decisions he made.  I held my tongue though.  It wouldn't have helped anything.  He needs to figure that out on his own.  He has a lot he needs to figure out on his own if he wants to have a healthy relationship with someone in the future.

And then he was laughing and joking after dinner as if he didn't have a care in the world.

I looked in the mirror today.

This morning I put on a favorite green dress and even dug out some earrings and a necklace to match.  And then I stepped in front of the mirror in the bathroom and just paused there a few minutes to truly look at myself.  I don't recall the last time I took the time to do that.

I watched an entire range of emotions cross my face as I smiled and even laughed a moment enjoying the image looking back at me and then tears swelled up in my eyes and I noticed the pain etched in them.  

My skin was tan from all the times this summer I had retreated to nature (the beach, parks, gardens, etc.) to find solace.  My bangs had gotten so long they were starting to get in my eyes.  The dress accentuated my waist reflecting all the weight I had lost.

There is something about that woman that looked back at me.  She has strength that shines through even as a loss of confidence is apparent.  She seems sincere although a bit distant.  She is someone I truly like.  And I know she has my back even in my lowest moments.

Therapy

Am I really doing that well or is my therapist just not helpful at all?  Or maybe both?

All the suggestions he has for me are things I'm already doing.  He tells me I'm four steps ahead of where most people are.  He generally agrees with anything I say.

I know I'm very self-aware.  I've done so much processing and thinking that I have a lot of clarity.  I also had an amazing therapist back in Wisconsin that taught me so many skills that I know what needs to be done.  I have to do lists that cover everything I know I need to be doing and for the most part I'm doing it all.  I'm not afraid of my emotions so I'm facing them as they come to me and finding relief to pick myself up once they wash through me.

But my body doesn't understand.  I'm still dealing with an increase in my chronic pain.  I still struggle with sleep.  Eating is a challenge although the nausea has subsided a lot.  I'm still losing weight.  My body is clearly holding on to so much stress and anxiety even I'm not really consciously aware of it.

I had really hoped to spend some time talking about sub-conscious anxiety/stress and how to address that but he didn't really have anything to say except to keep doing all the things I'm doing to care for myself.

I paid for a month of four sessions.  I feel like I should get my money's worth and book one more session but I'm not sure how much I will get out of it.

Strangers in the same home

 This whole situation (beyond the heartbreak and multitude of other emotions I'm feeling) is just so weird.  A little over 3 weeks ago, we were living as husband and wife.  We shared a bedroom.  We got ready together in the morning.  We cooked meals together.  We grocery shopped together.  We shared the details of our days with each other.  We laughed together.  We traveled together.  We watched the fireworks together and saw an amazing baseball game on July 3.  We expressed good morning and good night each day.  We said "I love you" so many times.

And then, the night of July 16 he told me he was done and he left to spend two weeks with his mom the next morning.  He's now been back just over a week and we are now strangers sharing a home.  We don't talk much.  We cook our own meals.  We live on separate ends of the apartment.  The only text messages we share are those of necessity about logistical things.  

I don't know how to reconcile that stark contrast.  How can a switch be so suddenly turned off after more than 20 years of routines and life together?

There are so many wonderful people out there.

The support I have been getting from so many people has been so wonderful.  They have listened, given me hugs, witnessed my tears, and they have made me laugh.  They have strategized with me.  They have acknowledged my strength.  They have lifted my spirits.  Some know my story.  Some don't yet, although it will eventually come out when I change my name.  Yet they all are leaving an imprint on my heart and giving me the courage to continue connecting with people and expanding my social network.  And the beauty of continuing to expand my connections is that I don't feel like a burden on any of them.  

I met with one of my pastors today and she had all the warmth in the world for me and brainstormed ways the church could help.  I've gotten to the point know where the hugs and support from people around me bring tears faster to my eyes than thinking about any loss of my relationship.  And this meeting was no different.

And my day ended with two colleagues hanging out in my office chatting about everything and anything.  The laughter, the stories, the companionship were just what I needed.

Weight Loss

I put on one of my favorite dresses this morning and looked in the mirror.  I look like I'm swimming in the dress.  And so I sit here drinking my coffee with tears running down my cheeks.  Sure, I could afford to lose some weight but this is not how I wanted to lose it.

When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning I was down 18 pounds from when this all started.  About 7 of those are just from the last 3 weeks.  Getting myself to eat is a struggle although the nausea has subsided some in the last couple days which helps.

On the outside I seem to be coping so well.  I still have my share of meltdowns but I pick myself up from them with strength.  I find ways to smile every day.  I still like myself.  Considering everything, I am amazed in myself.

But my body has other ideas.  My sleep is still a struggle although I did sleep better last night.  And my appetite and weight loss is concerning.  My chronic pain still flares regularly.  It makes me wonder how much anxiety I can hide in my body without my mind noticing.  And then I wonder how much underlying anxiety has been there for years.

Meltdowns

This month's sermon series at my progressive church is "Meltdowns - When things fall apart".  Imagine the timing of that!  I laughed out loud when I read the church newsletter late last week where they talked about the sermon series.

I had already been prioritizing church a bit more than normal for this time of year this summer given all that was going on.  Usually when the choir breaks for the summer, I take most of the Sundays off.  I consider myself a spiritual person but not necessarily religious.  This summer though, church has been a way to get out of the house into a space of comfort and maybe get up the nerve to talk to more people and expand my social network.  I haven't been quite as good at that last goal yet but I'll get there.

So I went to church this morning.  Today's focus was Moses and the Israelites in the years they wandered the desert wilderness after escaping slavery.  The land they escaped to had no water and lacked many other necessities and so the Israelites had quite a meltdown and spent their energies complaining to their leaders, Moses and Aaron.  God ultimately provided water from a rock (after Moses had a bit of his own meltdown) but didn't immediately deliver them to the promise land and ultimately replaced their leaders before the time came to do that.  This was a time of transition for the Israelites and likely an important time of growth before they were ready for the next phase in their lives.

I don't think you have to be a Christian or believe the Bible to see the message that meltdowns are a part of humanity even among our top leaders and that as tough as life gets, there can be grace in the end result.

I shed a few tears during the service although I think I was discrete enough I'm not sure anyone else noticed.  My voice was shaky through the last hymn.  And then when I went to shake the pastor's hand (something I usually skip as I head out the door), she pulled me in for a hug and I told her the sermon really hit home before slipping out the door, tears flowing freely at this point.  I had reached out to one of the other pastor's by e-mail Friday, so she may know the very basics of what I'm going through or she may not.

Sometimes it's learning that someone else cares that sets off the tears more than the actual grief I feel inside.  Maybe that's because I feel so alone in all this that to connect with another human touches me in a way I don't expect.

And then I let the tears continue to flow as I walked home.  I took the long way through my favorite park and sat down at what is becoming my regular park bench.  My niece texted me at that point which was such a wonderful distraction and then I noticed a cormorant swimming in the pond (a bird I had not seen at this park before) which was a further distraction.  So by the time I finished my walk home, I was pretty calm again.

Checking off boxes

People (my therapist, friends, colleagues, etc.) keep telling me I'm doing all the right things.  They admire me for how I seem to be coping.  But am I really coping?  Or am I just checking off boxes?

It started with an actual typed out to-do list that first weekend he was gone, divided up by time - things I wanted to accomplish that weekend, things I wanted to accomplish before he returned, things I eventually had to do but wasn't in as big of a rush.  It was a mix of practical things (move into second bedroom, gather financial documents, meet with an attorney, find a new apartment, etc.) and self- care things (get out and walk and do yoga, reach out to X and Y friends, talk to one of my pastors, come up with a food plan that would get me to actually eat, etc.).

At first each step forward amplified the pain because it felt like taking a step away from a relationship I still wanted to hold on to.  Over the last three weeks, those feelings have transitioned and now each step forward feels like a step towards the future, maybe because hope in the relationship is gone and so I know it's time to accept and move on.  A certain momentum has built starting with my very first step of moving into the second bedroom to the point where things are just naturally moving forward.

I worry a bit that I'm just checking off boxes on my to do list and that this is all going to hit me someday not too far in the future.  And honestly, I think deep down I fully expect it will.  But maybe that's okay.  I can't process everything at once.  Sometimes it's good to focus on one thing at a time and let the rest fall into place as they will.

Watch a Sunrise - Darkness Always Transforms into Light

One of my favorite times of the day is before most are awake - those moments when darkness gives way to first light and then the sun rises.  Not only is it such a peaceful time - the quiet before everything starts to wake up, but there is also a message of hope in the certainty that no matter how dark the night was, the sun will always rise and bring light.  It may not always be a clear sky with the sun's brightest rays but it always shines through even the thickest clouds and fog.

This morning my day began before first light as my goal was to arrive at the Atlanta Botanical Garden when it opened at 9:00 a.m. eastern time.   So as I drove the several hour drive in silence, I took in the transition and then watched how the fog played with the light as the sun rose over the horizon.

It is in moments like these that I ground myself, that I remind myself of the light on the other side.

I then spent over two hours in one of my happy places.  There is something that nourishes me about spending time with the flowers - sitting with them, walking among them, smelling them, photographing them, chasing a few bees and butterflies, etc.

By the way, I don't think I cried today.  Is that a first since he told me his final decision almost 3 weeks ago?

He wants someone to play video games and watch horror movies with.

We sat down and started talking numbers.  We didn't come to any resolutions yet because we need to get a couple assets valued first but I guess at least we got the conversation started. 

Because he seemed in a good mood, I tried one more time to express how painful it is to not understand why he wants to leave, just hoping I would get a better answer.  He started with a response I hadn't heard before.  He said he wanted a partner who shared more interests with him.  I asked him what interests he had asked me to join him on that I declined.  He said he wanted someone to play video games with (something he has never asked me to join him on) and someone to watch his kind of movies with (I get nightmares from horror films which is what he is referring to).  Don't most people build a social circle so that they can tap into different interests with different people?  Is it really fair to expect your partner to join you on every single one of your interests?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  Throughout our marriage we have done so much together.  No matter how hard I have encouraged him to venture out on his own, he hasn't.  I joined a choir and I have been participating in a church separate from him.  And although he would often join me for trips to gardens, I've made many of those trips solo too. 

If he's looking for a woman who looks to him as a hero, doesn't question what he says, isn't too strong, matches his conflict style (which is avoidance), and wants to join him on every single one of his interests, he is going to find someone with even more unhealthy behaviors than he has.

So I didn't really get an answer to my question or maybe I did.  Maybe he just isn't interested in creating a secure relationship.  Maybe that kind of relationship is just too intimidating and so as I grew and became more secure, maybe I became more intimidating.

When someone truly loves you, they fight for you.

 When someone actually loves you and cares for you, they don't run when things get hard.  They stick around and work through the challenges.  It's time to let go of someone who is so indifferent to losing me, someone who thinks divorce is easier than conversations, someone who will sit back for years pointing fingers watching me adjust and adapt without ever reflecting on his own actions, someone who doesn't recognize my value....

Maybe he did love me on some level.  Maybe he doesn't actually know what love is.

I had another therapy session yesterday.  I didn't actually have a lot to say.  I've spent so much time on my own processing it all and have done a good job of finding a few people to release to.  I'm already doing everything a therapist can suggest I do.  He and many of my friends are amazed at the ways I am proactively coping.  It doesn't feel amazing to me.  It just feels like I'm doing what is necessary.

None of that lesses the pain.  A day hasn't gone by since this started that I haven't broken down.  I just don't allow myself to stay there.  I pick myself up.  I go for a walk.  I join a yoga session.  I type in this blog.  I text a friend.  I buy myself flowers.  Or I just let the tears flow as the I watch the colors change as the sun sets.

Last night, he was really irritating me.  First it was complaints about the cost of our car registration (an amount that matched my budget so wasn't a surprise to me).  Then the complaints went on to other things that I quickly tuned out.  The negative energy coming from him was so strong and I wanted nothing to do with it so I distanced myself.  I wonder how much of that negative energy has impacted my physical and mental health over the marriage.