My mind was telling me of course I had already let go but all I could get out was "maybe" before my mind told me to pause. And that's when I noticed my heart had started to race, my body had tensed up, and tears were caught in the back of my throat. Maybe my conscious mind is there already but my body was speaking up to let me know my sub-conscious wasn't there yet.
And then this morning with the idea of relocating to a new city heavy on my mind, a panic at the thought of moving away from him quickly rushed over me. It was a feeling just like the feeling I had in the shuttle van as it pulled away from my city to start the trip on that cruise we had originally planned for our 20th. In that case, the thought was "he really isn't coming with me."
There is nothing logical about either of those thoughts/feelings. I'm at the point where I wouldn't even consider reconciliation with him and I would not have welcomed him on that trip so of course he wasn't coming with me!
It's not him though I'm holding onto. At least I don't think so. I think it's the dreams we were working towards, the person I imagined I would grow into alongside him, the life I was living and the life I imagined for my future. I didn't just lose him. He is probably the smallest part of what I lost. I lost the woman I expected to become.
Regardless of how boldly and courageously I step out onto the grates of life and forge a new, uncertain path, at least on a subconscious level, I worry about what I'm leaving behind on that path I had to diverge off of. And every step I take pulls me further and further from that path I diverged from with the big ones feeling like the finality of a door loudly shutting behind me.
I imagine at some point, I'll get to a place where I feel more settled in a new life that I'll barely notice the doors closing behind me (until something big shakes it up again) but will I ever truly let go of that woman I thought I would become, of the dreams I dreamed?
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