I talk a big talk

I feel like I talk a big talk.  I know what I need to be telling myself to heal and what I need to be doing so I say it out loud, repeatedly.  People tell me how strong I am or how impressed they are with how I'm coping.  But I don't always feel inside the words I say.

The quiet part inside of me is just crying "why?"  The fears and uncertainties loom large.  The silence at the dinner table seems so loud.

And constantly stepping into these fears is just exhausting and overwhelming.  I keep moving forward.  I keep doing all the right things but I am just so tired.

I took the overnight train to New York City this week and talk about sensory overload when I stepped out from the train station!  I've traveled big cities before and never felt anything like this wash over me.  At first I thought maybe it's just New York City and a different vibe but I wonder if it is just this exhausting, overwhelmed system of mine not able to cope as well as it normally would.  And maybe the culmination of doing things that frighten me on almost a daily basis these past few months.

So on the outside I might look like an incredibly brave, strong woman but inside I really just want to crawl up in a ball and hide from the world.  I may say all the right things about learning to be my own best friend, reveling in me and who I am, but if I'm honest, I'd really rather turn back time, un-know all I know now, and do all this beside the person I thought was my best friend and husband.