Letting someone you love go

I signed the Marital Settlement Agreement this afternoon.  At first all I felt was numb, no emotions came at all.  I was a bit puzzled why not a single tear formed while I sat in my attorney's office.  As I left my attorney commented how very easy it was and my response was "it makes me wonder why we are divorcing."

Then I went to get spices and herbs to replace the ones I had left with my husband when we divided up the kitchen.  The lady at the counter commented that I must be stocking up.  And like I was just commenting on the weather I shared that I had just moved into my own place after separating from my husband and just came from my attorney's office.  I told her I didn't know how I felt.

Then I tried to do some clothes shopping but had absolutely no patience.  I wasn't finding what I wanted and I was shocked by the prices.  I walked out with just a set of pjs that were on clearance.  And then as I got in my car the e-mail came through from my attorney to my husband's attorney with my signed MSA.

And I said to myself, "letting go is the hardest thing when you love someone."  As I drove home I contemplated how this was my last act of love.  Whether he is right or wrong, this is what he felt he needed and maybe that is what matters most.

So I sent my husband this text, "Letting someone go is the hardest part of loving them.  I’ve signed the MSA and it has been e-mailed to your attorney where he will need to get your signature.  I also signed an Answer and Waiver of Testimony (standard document) which my attorney will file with the court once the MSA is filed.  I really hope you find what you are looking for."

My heart is still breaking but the time has come to let him go.  The tears are now flowing as the pain washes through me.  I think I should go for a walk and then figure out what it is that I need for myself tonight.

Compromises that were made

As I moved out over the last week and finished cleaning the apartment with him yesterday, there were so many times my husband expressed surprise over how I planned to do things on my own.  He couldn't comprehend why I wasn't taking a TV.  He didn't understand why I wouldn't want half the liquid hand soap (I prefer bars of soap).  No matter how much he insisted, no, I did not really want the board games.  Yes, I do actually think I will use the fan that has sat motionless in a corner for as long as I can remember - I actually plan to open the windows.  No, I don't ever plan to buy broccoli and cauliflower - that was most of what we ate for veggies and I am not particularly fond of either.  And you should have seen the outrage on his face when I said I probably wouldn't shop at Aldi anymore.

These all seemed like minor accommodations at the time but I'm learning that they all didn't have a minor impact on me.  I think the TV constantly on was the biggest one.  And there were times in our marriage where I tried to encourage him to turn it off when he wasn't specifically watching something and he would try do that for a while before he reverted back to having it on constantly.  The real consequence of that to me was not only a lack of peace and quiet but I also stopped reading.  It's hard to read with the noise.  

At one point I asked him what he would do differently with me not around and he didn't have an answer.  I'm sure he will watch a few more horror movies but I'm not aware of other ways he compromised and accommodated me.  Maybe this is just one more example of how the relationship was unbalanced.

"I think"

I lost count of how many times "I think" has been repeated in the explanations my soon-to-be ex-husband has given me.  And not "I think" in terms of him sharing his thoughts but "I think" in terms of him not being sure of the answer.

One of the things he has repeated a number of times is that he no longer loves me as a husband should love a wife.  As we were cleaning the kitchen of the old apartment this afternoon, I asked him how he thought a husband should love a wife as I wasn't aware of a universal definition.  He responded that he should be able to feel safe and vulnerable with me and be able to be his self.  I asked him if he had ever felt like he could be vulnerable with me.  His response was "I think while we were dating" two decades ago and he isn't even sure it happened then.

I asked if he wasn't sure he had ever been vulnerable with me how does he know it is me vs him just not feeling like he can be vulnerable with anyone.  His response was "I think it is you."

He is divorcing me with the confidence of "I think" over something that has a pretty good chance of being an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

This is what I believe about marriage.

Based on conversations I have had with so many people I think this is an unpopular opinion.  But nevertheless, it is mine.  I believe that marriage is a life-long commitment.  I believe that it is a promise to grow together, laugh together, cry together, and work through some life's most challenging moments together.  I believe that it is a promise to have the hard conversations and speak up when things don't feel right.  I believe it is a promise to continually do all you can to bring your best self to the partnership and grow as a person but to also bring a lot of grace for both of you when you mess up because it will happen probably often.

I believe that it is a daily choice you promise to make to love another person even in those moments where you don't feel love.  Feelings will come and go but that conscious choice to love is something you can do every day.

I believe marriage is a promise that when the relationship gets off track (and it will sometimes), you will both put the effort in to create something better that works for both of you.  The relationship has to evolve just as the two people in it are evolving.  It will probably get re-created many times over the span of a lifetime.

That doesn't mean that divorce has no place.  There are times when abuse or addiction are present that can't be overcome.  But in my opinion, divorce shouldn't be used because you got bored or decided you prefer chocolate instead of vanilla.  It shouldn't be used because once feelings faded you decided not to make the choice to love.  When any of those things happen, you should be looking both inward and at the relationship and talking to your partner to see what needs tweaking, not looking elsewhere.

I don't believe that couples who are happily married after many decades got there because of some magical compatibility.  They got there because they believed in the commitment they made to one another and put the time into communicating and recreating the relationship over and over as the phases of their life changed to better meet their changing needs.  They consciously decided to grow together and choose love on a daily basis.

So it feels really empty to hear people constantly tell me that I will be better off without him, that I will grow into a happier and more fulfilled person.  I have no doubts that I will find my place, happiness, and fulfillment as a single adult.  But it doesn't change the fact that I would rather my husband had actually taken his commitment seriously.  I would rather he didn't just run away and instead fully stepped back into the relationship, working towards making it into what would better serve us.  

I can't sleep.

I don't know how many nights this has been, since before I moved about a week ago.  I wake up every hour or so and sometimes lay awake for a couple hours each time.  In the evenings (and even throughout the day), I can't keep my eyes open and start to drift off but the second I lay down to sleep, my mind wakes up.   And even when I get a few moments of sleep, I dream of what is stuck in my mind.

I think there is a sense of shock at how fast this went from what felt like a good relationship to separation.  How fast those "I love you"'s, "Good morning"'s, and "Good night"'s turned into silence.  How fast the spigot was turned off.  Maybe this would have been easier if it was a slow decline.  Maybe it would have been more comprehensible.

I don't know if it helps talking to so many different people who have been divorce or just makes me question it all more.  My latest conversation with someone really made me question how society views marriage.

Maybe I'm in the minority but to me marriage is a life-time commitment.  That doesn't mean I don't think there are legitimate reasons for divorce like abuse or addiction.  Those are serious issues that can't be overcome.  

My marriage isn't falling apart over serious issues though.  My marriage is falling apart because I married someone who was not willing to have hard conversations, someone who was not willing to work through even small issues and instead allowed them to fester into larger issues.  And I get that communication is hard and we don't all walk into a marriage with the skills we need.  But we are adults and so it is on us to learn the skills we need.  And if we are truly committed to each other, we both make it our responsibility to learn those skills (getting help when needed) and we give each other grace as that learning process happens.

He never bothered to learn those skills and to this day still blames me for his inability to communicate.  And he definitely didn't give me any grace over the years if he has held onto resentments so long.

I would guess that almost all vows include some reference to working through the good and the bad.  Are those vows really that meaningless today if people aren't willing to work through the bad?

I need to rest.

I just can't keep going.  The heightened emotions.  The lack of sleep.  The physical labor of days of moving and unpacking.  Yesterday at work I realized I had hit my limit so I took my computer home to give me flexibility if I needed a sick day the next day.

It probably doesn't help that I then spent about 3 hours last night organizing and unpacking my kitchen before finally sitting down to call my parents and watch the episode of Lingo I had missed Friday night (an episode I knew my husband had managed to catch when it aired as I remembered walking into the old apartment for another load of stuff towards the end of the episode and seeing it on).  

Why do I go into this diversion of my husband being able to catch the episode?  Probably because it really irritated and angered me that as I worked so hard all by myself to move out (something I was only doing because of his decision to divorce and so not something I wanted to be doing), he still had time to sit down and watch a TV showed we used to enjoy together.  (I've been in and out of the anger stage this past weekend.)

Anyways, back to today.  Last night I fell asleep quickly shortly after 9:00 p.m. but then I seemed to wake up every 1-2 hours and I was awake long before my normal 6:00 a.m. alarm.  Plus, my whole body just ached, especially my hips.  I couldn't imagine scootering into work and then trying to focus in this condition, so I pulled out my work laptop and put in my leave request.

I actually cooked some eggs for breakfast and enjoyed a leisurely cup of coffee.  Then I got notice that my shelf organizer had been delivered so I went down and got it plus stopped at the old apartment for another load.  I put together the shelf organizer which is perfect for the space and am now taking another break.

I'm trying to balance my need to have my space feel more complete and like home with my need for rest with an emphasis on the rest part including hopefully a nap later.

My first morning in my own place

Today begins the first day of truly being on my own ever.  I don't actually know how I feel.  I'm kind of anxious to get the rest of it unpacked and set up how I like it.  I'm on a little bit of a high from yesterday. 

One friend in the morning was such amazing help in moving all the big stuff and putting things together.  And she was such a supportive presence to have around.  

Then yesterday evening I went out to dinner with two other colleagues and a sister of one of theirs.  The laughter, conversation, and support around that table felt so incredibly good.  And then one of them came back to see my new apartment and that great conversation just continued as I showed her around.  The evening ended with talk about getting together again.

So sit here at the kitchen table my dad made drinking a cup of coffee and look around.  I am surrounded by so many hand-made items from various family members and things that have meaning to me.  I have managed to find space in this small studio for those things that are important to me.  It's interesting that in looking at the material things I chose to take with me (at least those in my sightline), I don't really see anything that reminds me of my soon-to-be ex-husband.  This space is really starting to feel like me.

So here's to more days in this next chapter of finding me as a solo person!

Lies

As I was emptying my nightstand early this morning in preparation for moving, I came across some Valentine's and anniversary letters he had written in 2019 and 2020.  In them he said things like he can't imagine a life without me and if he has anything to say about it, we will stay together.  He talked about how committed he was and how much he loved me.

I went out into the living room where he was and questioned him because he had previously told me he had been unhappy for many years so were these things he wrote lies.  He had no answer.  He couldn't tell me they weren't lies but he didn't want to admit to it.  And then he tried to explain again why he left.  And I stopped him saying I don't need more explanations (which don't make sense to me) about why he left.  I need to understand where the truth is in what he wrote vs what he is telling me now.  I asked him "do you know what this does to someone?"  Heartbreak for honest reasons would be hard enough but to try and sort through the lies and understand what was real and what was not just messes with your head!

At one point he said, he just didn't know.  And I asked him why he would throw away a marriage before figuring it out.  I told him that I was willing to walk that journey with him.  His response was that I kept pushing him.  And I said that is because there was one small thing I needed from him.  It wasn't some lifetime commitment or anything.  I just needed him to tell me he wanted me to wait around while he figured it out.  I just needed him to want to walk that journey with him.  I had all the patience in the world for someone who wanted me to stick around a little longer.

He said that he did still care about me but those words are just meaningless.  You don't lie repeatedly to someone you actually care about.

I walked out of the room at that point with the tears just freely flowing and tried to focus on doing more packing.  At one point, he came in and said I deserved to know the truth.  I said and then we could have worked on it and he was adamant that we couldn't (even though he still can tell me why not).  There's still no self-reflection.  There's no understanding at all about why he is unhappy or what lead him to feel that way.  He just thinks it will be better somewhere else.  

Moving Day

I got the keys to my new apartment yesterday at lunch.  My husband was really getting on my nerves all morning as I tried to work from home so as soon as I had my keys, I wheeled my desk and modem down to my new apartment and worked from there.  I felt so much peace and joy that afternoon as I enjoyed my new space and watched the trains go by.  

Then I cleaned the new place, did some grocery shopping and a few other small things to prepare for the big moving day today.

At one point I stopped back in the old apartment and took a moment to take off my shoes and rest my feet in my bedroom and it all hit me.  It really felt like I was leaving a piece of me behind as I made this move.  My husband had been at my side (either physically or in spirit) for the last two decades.  We had made countless moves together.  We generally worked really well together.  This time I was on my own.

To add to that, he confirmed that his attorney has filed the petition for divorce.  That's just one more step towards the finality of it all.

So in that moment, the tears flowed freely and I dialed my parents' number.  Just hearing their voices made the tears flow faster.

So this morning, I heard my husband start to go in and out of the apartment at about 4:00 a.m.  Clearly he couldn't sleep.  I got up about 6:00 a.m., stripped the bed and brought my sheets and a few things down to my new apartment to start laundry and have some breakfast as I watched the trains go by.   There are probably a few more things I should do before my friend gets here to help me with the move.  

I am so incredibly blessed with the people around me.  Whether it's manual labor, company, shopping, a distraction, an empathetic ear, a check in, etc., I have people to turn to.  So although a few more tears flowed as I typed this, I'm ready to face the day knowing I have support.

Love is a choice and an action not just a feeling

The last day or two I keep coming back to conversations I have had with my husband a few times over the past years.  For him, love is a feeling.  He pushed back at me every time I talked about how you have to choose to keep loving someone through the tough times if you want to keep the feelings alive.  To me real, deep love is that day in and day out choosing someone over and over again.  Choosing to communicate with them.  Choosing to have the hard conversations.  Choosing to walk through the tough times with them.  It's an action, not a passive feeling.

Reflecting back, his actions match that mindset really clearly.  When he stopped feeling love for me, he stopped investing in the relationship.  Once he stopped investing in the relationship, he could allow resentment to build up and he could distance himself which basically eliminated any chance that feeling would ever come back.

Because I believed that love was a choice and an action, I consciously and unconsciously made that choice every single day of our marriage.  And from that viewpoint, I didn't need feelings to always be there to give him the benefit of the doubt and look for the best in him.

I worry about him.

Last night as I exchanged a few texts with a friend who I was asking to check in on me to make sure I got home, tears welled up in my eyes.  I was suddenly overwhelmed with concern over who would be checking in on my husband periodically.  He hasn't developed the network I have.  He really hasn't made friends since moving here aside from the husband in a couples friend.  And throughout our marriage he really depended on me for a lot so to go from that to nothing is probably going to be hard.  

When I got home I asked if he had people who would check in on him periodically and he looked at me like I had three heads.  He says he isn't worried about it at all.  When his uncle (who he was really close to) passed away, it took days for someone to find him, I don't believe the thought hasn't crossed his mind.

Anyway, it's hard to turn off that worry and concern.  I may never be able to.  But I'm not going to be in a position to do anything about it soon and I rightly need the distance to heal.

Court paperwork

His attorney sent him a draft Marital Settlement Agreement today.  After he reviewed it, he handed it to me to look over.  All it took was a glance at the caption "his name" vs "my name" and I knew I couldn't do it tonight so I left it in the living room.

To see our two decade relationship boiled down in a legal document that divides all the tangible evidence of what we had built together with what I expect is such indifference breaks my heart.  It just reminded me that the commitment he made to me over 19 years ago meant so little that I wasn't even worth a sincere effort to make it work.  

He let resentment build up and respect for me vanish without even attempting to have any conversations with me over the years based on negative assumptions that weren't accurate.  He lied to me every day for who knows how many years when he told me he loved me, cared about me, and was happy while he sat in silent misery.  Or maybe he is lying now and is attempting to revise history.  Or maybe some of both.  I just don't know anymore.  I don't know who this man is that can with such indifference and lack of empathy just throw away a marriage.

I don't think I can reflect my way to answers

I journal.  I write poetry.  And I think A LOT.  I am constantly reflecting on my own actions, my interactions with others with others, the world around me.  And I am constantly observing and taking in new information so these reflections evolve over time.  My beliefs, understandings, opinions evolve.  It's a process and so although I do hope to gain better understandings of many things, my goal isn't to completely figure it out and be done.  Life is complex enough that I don't think we ever truly figure it out.

So starting in late May when my husband first told me he was questioning our marriage and on a more accelerated timeline starring in mid-July when he told me he was done, my brain has been constantly reflecting and so my understanding of it all has continued to evolve.  You may see some of that if you have been following along my blog long enough.

But I think I made the mistake of focusing too much on trying to figure it out because I don't think that is possible.  My husband hasn't shared with me enough or with enough clarity for me to even have the slightest clue what he is thinking, what lead up to this decision, and what his reasons are.  Without that knowledge, my understanding will always be very incomplete.  The best I've been able to do is reflect on my own behaviors, behaviors I observed in him, and the assumptions I am making and have made in the past.  All I have are my own perceptions.  And I'm smart enough to recognize that my perceptions won't necessarily match reality and they often won't match someone else's perceptions.

So what do I do with that?  Where do I go from here?  How do I heal without that understanding?  

I supposed this falls into the first part of the serenity prayer.  "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  I cannot change the decision he has made.  I cannot change the way he feels.  I cannot change the way he has approached this relationship and how to end it.  And I cannot change what he is willing (or able) to share with me about his thought process.  

Gratitude

Thank you for the people who have walked into my life.  The ones who comfort me as I cry.  The ones who have practical solutions when I can't see through the fog.  The ones with referrals.  The ones who share life's lighter side as a distraction.  The ones who check in and make me feel less alone.  The ones who don't judge and just accept.  The ones who encourage me in my growth.  The ones who inspire me.

It is these people that have made my burden lighter in so many small ways that make such a huge difference.

Thank you for the beauty of our world.  The rain on my walk yesterday that seeped into my soul and cleared my vision.  The birds I have chased, observed, photographed, and co-existed with.  The waves of the gulf that soothed.  The colors and textures of flowers that drew me in to the present moment.  The butterflies that made me still in hopes of not scaring them away.  The vastness of the canyon that gave me perspective.

Thank you for me.  I look in the mirror at my familiar face and I see the person I was, the person I have become, and the person I want to be.  I see someone who is unique and special and has value.  I see someone who has learned to accept the good and the bad despite how hard it may be at times.  I see all the ways life's challenges have shaped me and strengthened me.  I see someone that I know will be okay, someone I know will find a way to thrive no matter what tomorrow may bring.

Why does he care about the material possessions that will be mine but not me?

Today it was advice about the bluetooth speaker I have decided to take.  Last week it was a full typed page of instructions about my car with a car kit of all the cleaning, waxing, etc. things he thinks I need.  Before that it was adding material things to our shopping list that he was so sure I need for my new apartment.

Just imagine if he cared for me even a fraction of what he cares for these material possessions, how differently this would have gone.  Maybe we still would have split but it could have been done with integrity and honesty.  It could have been done without insensitive jokes like the one he made tonight.  It could have done in a way that was self-reflective and empathetic and focused less on pointing fingers.  (He seems to think one of his biggest strengths is empathy, just not for me I guess.)

It's so hard to get past the indifference and the complete lack of care for me, my feelings, and how his decisions affect me.  This is a man that claimed to love me day in and day out for two decades.  Yet can't even bother to care now that he decided he wants out.

Saying "Yes" even when I want to say "No"

A colleague who is thinking ahead to her empty nest years coming up and I have been talking about this idea of intentionally saying "yes" (to social events, hobbies, potentially positive things, etc.) to get us out of our comfort zone and help us discover what exactly we would enjoy in our next chapters.  It can get way too easy to hide in our comfort zone and miss out on so many things.

She's not quite there yet with a child still in high school with a demanding schedule so right now she is living a bit vicariously from me and seems to be enjoying hearing about what my next thing will be that I say "yes" to.

Today's hesitation was joining a divorce support group at a church I do not attend so likely will not know anyone or even be familiar with the venue - something I think I need to say "yes" to.

Today's "yes" was filling out the form for a life group at my own church.  I had already talked through my hesitations with my pastor a number of a weeks ago and she was going to look at what group I might fit into but I felt I need to take the proactive step to actually fill out the form to make sure they knew this was something I proactively wanted to be a part of.

Other "Yeses" I have said recently even when I really hesitated included an invitation to lunch with mostly people I didn't know at all, singing in a large community choir event at a new location with a new director and mostly people I had never met, and joining a yoga class.  Maybe in the spring I'll even sign up for an adult improv class - now that would be quite a leap outside my comfort zone!

I know that every "yes" won't turn into something I love.  I might even hate some of these things.  But every "yes" will give me more clarity in who I am and what I want my life to look like and that clarity is worth as many failures as it takes to find the successes.

Should relationships be effortless?

Depending on who you talk to the advice you will hear is either relationships should be effortless or relationships take work which seem to be contradictory beliefs.  My marriage was definitely not effortless.

I wonder if there is a spectrum here.  When two healthy people come together with good communication, conflict resolution, and relationship skills, the work may come so naturally that it feels effortless. But we aren't all lucky enough to have mastered those skills or found a partner who has mastered those skills so in those relationships some work may be more apparent.  And I'm not sure that is necessarily a bad thing.  As long as both are invested in the relationship, it might be very worth the effort.

Maybe where I erred is taking on too much of that work and thinking it would be enough.  Looking back, I see now that while I was growing and adapting, he was pointing fingers (sometimes silently, sometimes out loud).  We weren't ever going to get anywhere with that dynamic.  So it probably was a lot harder than it should have been.

I really think both people have to be willing to grow for a relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling.  I think the more important work that needs to happen is within ourselves.  And when both people do that internal work, the relationship likely feels a lot more effortless.

I'm really sad and a bit angry my husband wasn't willing to grow and do that internal work during our marriage.

I've been making excuses for him

In my head and in discussions with others, I've been making excuses for my husband.  How many times have I said things like "he didn't learn communication and conflict resolution skills growing up" or "his mom still is a bad model"?  I've wanted to blame his mom who is still so incredibly immature, insecure, and manipulative.  I've even been tempted to blame his dad after he shared how distant his dad was.  I've wanted to blame the fact that he was bullied both at school and by his brother growing up and that his parents did nothing.

But by putting the blame there, I'm taking away the responsibility my husband had as an adult.  I'm excusing decisions he made as an adult where he was responsible for his own behavior.

As adults it is our responsibility to heal from whatever struggles we faced in our childhood.  And we all had those struggles to some extent.  No parents are perfect.  No childhoods are perfect.  I went through a healing process myself in my 20s and early 30s.  I saw that as my responsibility.  And I saw it as a necessary part of adulthood and having a happy, fulfilled life.

Why did I think I had that responsibility yet was so quick to excuse him of his similar responsibility?

And the worst part of doing that is I think it created a stumbling block to my own healing.

So now, about 8 weeks in from he decided he was done, I'm starting over with the anger because I'm rightly putting the blame where it belongs.  

My husband chose to not speak up when he needed something instead of letting resentment build up.  My husband chose to hold onto resentment instead of reaching out for help to figure out how to deal with it.  My husband chose to not give me the benefit of the doubt and/or seek clarification.  He chose to assume the worst of me.  My husband chose to be unhappy instead of reaching out for help to fix it.  He chose to pretend he was happy to avoid having to talk to me.  He made those decisions over and over and over throughout the years.  

And then he chose to walk away without even giving us a chance to work through it.

It's not his mom's (or dad's) fault he made those decisions.  He is a grown adult in his 40s capable of making his own adult decisions.

So I'm done making excuses for him.  He is responsible for the decisions he made.  It just really sucks that I have to pay these consequences for those decisions.  So I have reason to be angry.

Down 2 more pounds

I've been using Fridays as my weigh in day although often step on the scale Monday or Tuesday to make sure I am not too surprised Friday.  The last three Fridays I had plateaued and really thought I was turning a corner.  My sleep had gotten better too.

Well, today when I stepped on the scale I was 2.4 pounds down from last Friday.  I have lost 20.5 pounds since this all started at the beginning of the summer.

So when my husband texted yesterday "I hope you're doing well" (and then went on to make sure I knew his package was arriving that day), I really wanted to say "I'm not doing well and it is because of you, your lack of integrity, and how little you seem to care about me despite pretending to."  Yup, still in the angry stage with a foot in the depression stage.

Who is going to check in on me?

As some evening activities restart for the fall and I return home after dark at times, I had a moment of panic.  Who is going to make sure I get home safely?

Before I would always text my husband when I left so that he knew when to expect me.  I also gave him permission to track my phone so that he could come find me if I didn't show up when I was supposed to.  It's not that I feel particularly unsafe in my city.  I don't expect anything to happen.  But you just never know.  I suppose something could even happen to me at home that would make not be able to reach out for help.

So I wondered how long would it be until someone discovered I was missing?

When I got home that evening, I texted my sister with tears in my eyes.  I am learning exactly how practical of a person my sister is through this process.  She didn't even hesitate before she texted back "what days do you typically go out for things?"  And she told me to keep her posted and she will keep an eye out.

The next morning, I poked my head in the office of a colleague who went through divorce a few years ago and now lives alone and asked her what she does.  She has multiple people who track her and check in on her daily.  She even offered to add me to her tracking if I wanted and encouraged me to text her whenever I wanted her to check in on me.

So I guess I just have to make more use of my people.  It's hard reaching out for help.

Stages of Grief

They say you go through stages of grief after a divorce not all that unlike losing a loved one to death.  A google search will bring up many websites that talk about these five stages (although some add on other stages).

1. Denial or shock
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Letting go/acceptance

The thing I'm learning is that at least for me, at any point I can revert back to an earlier stage that I thought I had already moved through.  I'm 7 weeks in from when he told me we were done.  I'm about 3 months in since he told me he was questioning the relationship.  And I think I have touched upon every single one of the stages at some point.  Generally, these past 2.5 half weeks, I've really been feeling a sense of acceptance and a focus towards moving on.

Well today, I'm just plain angry.  I'm angry that he never spoke up.  I'm angry he chose to hold onto resentment instead of finding a way to release it.  I'm angry he has let that cloud how he sees our relationship and me in such a negative light that his perceptions are so far from reality.  I'm angry he stopped giving me the benefit of the doubt years ago and let assumptions that often weren't true rule his thoughts and actions.  

I'm angry that the commitment he made was so meaningless to him that he couldn't even be bothered to put some effort into the relationship.  I'm angry that he would walk away without even trying.  I'm angry that he would let himself get to the point where he thought so little of me but still hang onto this relationship for YEARS.

I'm angry he chose misery over and over throughout our marriage instead of reaching out for help.

I'm angry that he repeatedly chose to pretend that everything was great when that is not how he felt.

I'm angry how he sabotaged the relationship and never even gave us a chance.

I'm far from perfect.  I still have plenty of growing to do.  But I did my part to invest in the relationship.  I did my part to listen, adjust, improve, seek help when I needed it, and grow.  I gave this everything I had.  So I'm angry that he couldn't see I was worth him doing the same.

So at this moment I'm back in the anger phase.  I'll pull myself out of it.  I know that.  But for the moment I need to sit here.  I need to let myself feel these feelings of anger until they hold less power.  

Did I lose myself in the relationship?

I am a strong woman who generally knows what she wants.  I'm ambitious in the areas I want to be but know how to slow down to find balance.  So as this relationship ended, the last thing I wanted to believe was that I had lost my sense of self in a man.

But as I reflected the new experiences I was seeking out and the different decisions I was making for this next chapter of my life conflicted a bit with that belief that I hadn't lost my sense of self and it's been bothering me.  So did I lose my sense of self?

I don't think so but I say that with a bit of a qualifier.  I believe this relationship restricted the ways I could grow.

My husband wasn't necessarily controlling and he didn't limit my career path or even step in the way of important goals.  But in many small ways, he had a particular idea of how we should face the world as a couple.  And I generally bought into that vision.  And that vision limited the many small ways I think I otherwise would have grown and directions I would have gone.

So now as I am completely freed from that vision, my eyes are looking farther and bigger.  I'm exploring ways I want to do life differently.  And I'm putting myself out there in ways I never would have imagined to see what sticks.  

So although I don't think I lost the sense of self I had, I was limited in the ways my sense of self could grow.  

And maybe a bit ironically, I think my husband's vision restricted his own growth of a sense of self (and still appears to even as we separate).

Kelly Clarkson - "me"

This song couldn't be more fitting!  A friend shared it with me to today and I really connected with it.

Some of the lyrics that especially resonate with me

"don't need somebody who feels weak standing next to me"

"don't need to need somebody when I got me"

"now on the other side I remembered I could fly"

"I told you I wanted you but you needed me to need you"

"your insecurity was the death of you and me"

Friends and Family

The number of people who have been a lifeline for me in these past months has been really overwhelming.  I give myself a little credit for having the courage to reach out to people who I don't normally reach out to (old friends I had lost contact with, new friends, etc.).  It has helped me not to feel a burden on any one person.  But I give most of the credit to the people on the other side willing to answer my messages and calls.

This morning I was really stuck.  I'm sure you saw my other post.  So I reached out via Facebook Messenger to an old friend and colleague.  She was just what I needed.  She empathized with me and then gave me a little push with something practical I could do.  So after chatting with her, I dug for a nice notebook and some writing utensils and a favorite blanket and headed out to the park.  At the park I found a nice shady spot under a tree to spread out my blanket.  

After I got settled, my sister texted me and so we chatted a bit.  And then I tried to write some poetry.  It's not my best work.  I just wrote about the ants.  But I wrote.  And I soaked in the breeze and the vibe.  And before I knew it 2.5 hours had flown by so I packed up and headed home where I cooked myself a really good meal from the veggies I had picked up at the farmers market.

I am nauseous this morning

The roller coaster of emotions continues.  This morning I just feel nauseous and all I can think about is what he might be doing on the trip we had planned together.  I'm jealous that I don't get to take a trip I had been dreaming of.  And I'm so sad that we aren't experiencing it together and won't travel together again.  

I'm angry that he chose this timing to just completely walk away from the marriage.  I'm angry he wasn't willing to put any effort into our marriage so that it got to this point.

I'm heartbroken.

And so I haven't eaten breakfast yet.  I'm not hungry and I'm nauseous.  And I just want to go back to bed and wake up when this bad dream is over.

Settling for "Enough"

I swear all I do these days is think and reflect.  I'm someone who always wants to fully understand the "why" behind everything.  My husband hated that about me because he never wanted to explain his "why".  But that is not relevant to what I want to write about today.

So I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why I felt the relationship worked so well for me when it clearly didn't work for him.  I think it boils down to expectations and outlook.  I think it comes down to being willing to settle for "enough" with the recognition that we are all imperfect human beings and we can't be the end all be all for each other.

So I went into this knowing that the man I married was imperfect combined with a positive perspective of the worth and value he held.  And throughout the relationship I maintained that believe in his value and worth which allowed me to focus on the good and give him the benefit of the doubt about the bad.

I learned to tolerate things that could be annoying because I believed in who he was as a whole.  And because I saw him as a whole, I felt he was enough as is and my focus wasn't on how I could change him.

Unfortunately, I wasn't aware of his internal dialogue where he had determined that I was not enough.  I probably should have picked up on it when we went through couple's counseling before we moved to Alabama as it was all focused on how I should change without any reflection on his own behaviors.  And then I definitely started to pick up on it this summer when I felt like I was in a fishbowl just waiting for him to point out the next wrong thing I did.  But beyond those two time periods, even with hindsight I don't recall any times I was aware of this internal dialogue he had.

Based on conversations we have had this summer, I think this belief by him that I am not enough goes back many years.  He has examples that go back 15 or more years.  I suspect that from whatever point he decided I was not enough going forward, it colored his view of me and his ability to give me the benefit of doubt when he perceived that I had treated him poorly or acted poorly.  I suspect that a mindset like that made it difficult to see the good and instead put the focus on the bad.  

I also think that is what really started to skew his perspective.  This summer I have been flabbergasted at the things he has told me on so many occasions.  The assumptions he has made about me that are not true are just wild.  He has painted a picture of me in his head that is so far from who I am, it's no wonder he doesn't think this relationship can work.  And I do freely admit that my own perspective of myself may not always be accurate of how the world sees me but so many of his assumptions are based on observable facts that just aren't true.  

I don't know that this post has gone where I wanted it to go.  This latest reflection started with me re-watching many of my travel IG Reels last night before bed.  I went back about a year and a half worth of trips which included a couple big ones including one where we brought his mom.  What I noticed as I watched them was a distinct absence of the presence of my husband.  That's not to say he didn't show up in some of them.  But he just didn't feel present in them.  And there were more than I remembered that were memories I created on my own feeling a little resentment from him that I went off and did my own thing.

As I explore expanding my social network and am enjoying getting out there, I'm realizing that I had settled within the constraints of what he wanted - a wife who did almost everything together with him and didn't always behave well when it wasn't what he wanted to do.  I had learned to tolerate his complaining when the activity wasn't his choice.  I had learned to balance when to speak up and/or go do my own thing with going along with what he wanted to try and get as close to his goal of us doing most things together.  

And maybe it was my realization these past couple years that I what I was settling for wasn't enough in this regard such that I was branching out more that played a factor in his deciding to walk away.  Maybe I was starting to get restless myself and realizing the "enough" I had initially settled for may not actually be enough.

Wow, I hadn't expected my writing this blog post to lead me to that conclusion but it rings so true I can't walk it back.  I'll leave it at that.