When it rains it pours....

It just feels like I can't get a break, everything is compounding on top of everything else.  And as it all happens, he seems to be carefree, still comfortable in his own home, and completely indifferent to what I am going through.

We received an e-mail today about our next vacation.  We had agreed that he would take the September one and I would take the October one, both of which had fully been paid for before he made the decision to divorce.  We have traveled often together, taken many, many trips and never been upgraded.  This morning's e-mail changed that streak for the trip he is going to take in September.  He was excited for the upgrade not even thinking about the fact that it was his alone and not ours.  When I pointed that out to him, he told me that I could come with him.  He seems to think we can just go as friends.  I don't know.  I don't want to be friends and it's painful to see him so checked out of the marriage that he thinks we can so easily transition to friends now.

Then upon logging into work, I got an e-mail that they will be discontinuing support for SAS EBI, the platform I had just spent so much time trying to get access to and start learning.  And oh how was it a hassle to get access to!

And I still have a little lingering cough, especially when I'm trying to sleep from COVID.  Yes, I picked up COVID last week. Although clearly no one cares anymore as work told me I was fine to come in on Monday.  If only we cared a little and made use of our access to telework, I probably wouldn't have picked it up.

To face losing my husband of 19 years, most of my vacation plans, a goal of an early retirement date, my nice apartment, plans to upgrade my scooter, the program at work that was giving me reason to go in each day, aspects of my identity, etc. all at the same time is so overwhelming that I feel so beaten down.

He came home today.

My emotions went from the extreme this morning of feeling incredibly confident and ready to handle whatever happened to complete panic as my work day ended.  I had no idea what I was walking into.

Instead of being upset about the mess I left in our marital bedroom, he thanked me for moving my stuff to the other bedroom.  He said that he was planning to do that himself if I hadn't already.

He confirmed he truly is done with the marriage.  He said he can't be happy in this relationship as if his partner is the one who is supposed to create the happiness for him.  

He asked if I wanted to talk finances tonight or wait until the weekend.  I told him I needed time.  With the emotions of the day, the last thing I wanted to do was start talking pensions.  This is all happening way too fast.

And then he wanted to just chit cat about his family and his trip and asked about my trip to the beach.  We even sat down at the kitchen table and talked while he ate dinner.  I don't know if I can do this every night - pretend that everything is okay as we chit chat about our days.

So I then went for a walk.  I walked close to four miles before I found the same park bench I have gravitated to in the past to watch the sunset.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as the sun dipped below the horizon.  I sent a text to my sister and chatted with her for at least twenty minutes.  

Curled up on that bench, bawling from the pain in my heart, I faintly heard the world move around me - runners passing by, dogs leading their owners, children playing in the distance.,...

He comes home tomorrow.

 Two weeks ago, I came home from work thinking we still had a chance.  It had been an up and down summer filled with a lot of really great moments combined with some emotional discussions about us with a few calm divorce discussions peppered in - a strange state of being to exist in, especially since I felt distance.

I don't remember what he said that evening.  I think it was just an off-hand comment.  But it was one that clearly showed he still had his eye on the exit and he wasn't actually invested in working on us.  I don't think there was ever a point this summer where he actually was invested in working on us.  I think he was just stringing me along.

That night ended in bed with what felt (still feels) like a final decision that he wanted a divorce.  He was done.  I didn't sleep that night.  I dropped him off at the airport very early the next morning for a trip he had been planning for some time now to spend two weeks with his mom.

That two week trip ends tomorrow.  We have had very intermittent contact over the last two weeks with days often going by in silence.  I've felt so much indifference from him in those interactions.  He's taken steps to move forward with a divorce.  I've taken steps to start protecting myself.

I don't know what man is coming home tomorrow.  I don't know what to expect.  

I feel like I have changed in two weeks.  It's weird to watch change in your thoughts, feelings, attitude, etc. happen over such a short time period.  These two weeks apart may have changed him as well.  

I never imagined I would get to a point where I didn't know my husband.

I shared everything with him.

The hardest part of these past two weeks has been not having him to share all the good and bad - the bug that got stuck in my eye on the scooter ride home, the praise from my boss, the dolphins jumping in the gulf, etc.

So this mini-trip is especially hard.  I've traveled without him a couple of times.  As an example, I took the train to DC last September by myself.  But we connected throughout the trip through texts, photos, and sometimes phone calls and then conversations upon returning home.  And he closely followed my Instagram stories and posts.  I never felt alone in those cases because I felt like he was always right with me in spirit.

This trip has been complete silence.  There have been no exchanged texts or photos.  He hasn't looked at my Instagram story.  There won't be conversation when I return home.  And so there was an emptiness as I walked the beach.  And there is even more of an emptiness in thinking about going home.  So I feel stuck in this hotel room knowing it is time to leave but not finding the willpower to do so.

Self-care

I know this is a topic that keeps coming up in this blog but I am finding that it is so incredibly important.  I would go crazy if I didn't find ways to clear my mind, release pent up energy, and re-center myself.  So today, I got up before the sun, jumped in my car and headed south to the beach.  I spent 3.5 hours walking, sitting, photographing, bird watching, etc.  And it was wonderful!  There is something so calming about the sound of waves crashing on the sand.  At one point dolphins were jumping just off the shore.

And then I even sat down at a Mexican restaurant mid-afternoon for a real meal.

Now, with all the sun I got and the very early morning start, I'm hoping for a restful night of sleep.

Chronic Pain

When I mentioned my chronic back and hip pain to the yoga instructor yesterday, she asked the cause.  When I told her they could never figure it out, she immediately made a comment about stress and the effect on the body.  I started to dismiss her as I have always felt like I handle stress well but something made me pause.

In a divorce group I had joined, someone recently asked others if they had noticed an improvement in any chronic health issues after the divorce and the post was filled with so many women who had experienced relief.

And then today, I stumbled upon a YouTube video with some research on the causes of chronic pain.  It indicated that 85% of people with chronic pain have no structural reason for their pain. I couldn't believe that number.  It went on to talk about the way our emotions affect our brain's way of interpreting pain.  A study showed that people who reflected on and addressed the emotional issues they were going through at the time of the start of the pain or times it increased found significant relief.  

My chronic pain started 17 or 18 years ago.

Does the nausea go away?

The stress and anxiety these past weeks and months has caused me to lose my appetite completely and replaced it with this low level feeling of nausea that increases at times of higher anxiety.  This in turn is causing me to lose weight at a rate that really concerns me.  I have lost 3.5 pounds in the last 7 days.  I'm down over 12 pounds since this all started.

I feel like I'm ruminating even more than normal over this morning's weigh in to the point where I'm getting anxious about how much anxiety I am experiencing.  Doesn't that sound like a vicious cycle?

So here I sit at my kitchen table during my lunch break with a feeling of nausea that makes it impossible to even think about making myself some lunch.

Where do my preferences begin and his end?

I had a panic moment this morning as I opened the Hilton app to check into the hotel I booked for tomorrow night.  Hilton properties give you the chance to choose your room when you check in on the app.

My first reflex was to click on the top floor.  That is where we always choose.  We always pick the top floor if we can, far from the elevator, ideally with a view of the parking lot (so he can keep an eye on his car).  But whose preferences are those?  His?  Ours?  Do I agree with them?  This was my chance to choose any room I wanted without his influence.  Did I want to follow our normal criteria?  

I don't know the answer to those questions.  So I cycled through the various floors of this three-story hotel to see all the options.  I remember not liking a room we got placed in once that was on the ground floor.  It was noisy from people in the lobby.  So I eliminated the first floor.  And then I settled on a second floor room near the stairs.  We'll see if I like it.

The unexpected people who walk through your life

It was an emotional day.  What day isn't these days?  I didn't sleep much the night before.  I think the silence from my husband was really getting to me.  He hadn't responded to my e-mail the day before about money.  He hadn't yet shared with me that he was consulting with additional attorneys.  

And then I finally heard from him.  I suspect it was the text he received from the bank about a transfer of funds that got his attention.  I had e-mailed him the day before about my intention with money but maybe he hoped if he ignored the e-mail it would go away.  We had a good conversation in the sense that we cleared the air on some negative assumptions he was holding onto and made a plan to work collaboratively for the divorce.  It still left me feeling confused though as he still doesn't have any answers that make sense about why he wants a divorce.

And then the evening came and I made my way down to where the yoga class would be held given it was raining outside.  When I arrived, no one else had arrived yet so I had a chance to really talk to the instructor.  There was something about her such that when she asked how my week had been, I didn't just mumble my normal "fine".  The words of what I was really going through came out of my mouth before I could even pause and the support I received from her washed over me in a way I didn't expect.

We waited about five minutes past the time the class was supposed to start in case anyone else showed up but they didn't.  So I had the blessing of a one-on-one yoga session that was really tailored to me.  And I left the class feeling a bit more peace and strength.

Self-care

I don't think I do enough self-care when things are going well so then when everything falls apart, I don't have the routines in place.  Not that I completely neglected it before.  I've made some really good lifestyle choices in the last five years that have built some self-care into my life.  But it wasn't enough.

So today after work, as I lay on the couch and just wanted to close my eyes and disappear, I forced myself to get up.  I changed into something other than my lounge clothes, put on my tennis shoes, and headed out the door to the local park.  The weather was actually fairly mild, in the upper 70s and overcast.

I didn't have a specific goal in mind.  I just needed to walk and breathe in some fresh air.  So I headed down the main path and couldn't believe my eyes when in one of the ponds I spotted a Great Egret.  We get a variety of herons at this park at various times throughout the year but I had never seen a Great Egret here.  I pulled out my phone to document the moment and as I took a photo, I realized two night herons (a parent and juvenile) sat in the tree.  So I captured a video of it all.  The sight of it all made my heart feel a joy I hadn't felt in a couple weeks!

Then I continued on my walk and in came some text messages with photos they had taken from my sister and her kids.  So I continued my walk as we exchanged some stories from the present and the past.

The time and miles just flew by.  Before I knew it, I had walked for over an hour and more than 3 miles.  My spirit lifted and my feet sore, I climbed the stairs to my apartment.  The next piece of self-care is to actually eat something.

The timing feels really crappy.

It just feels really crappy that my spouse picked now to decide he wanted out, especially since he claims he has been unhappy for a long time.  Why wait until after we have mapped out two years of some pretty exciting vacation plans?  Why wait until after circumstances have gotten so bad it is making me feel some uncertainty in our jobs?  Why wait until just after I miss out on a promotion (for a job I have been doing of 1.5 years and continue to do)?  Why wait until just after I start experiencing some symptoms of perimenopause?  

I realize he only had control over the first one (although that one feels really deceptive) but I just feel like stress is getting thrown at me from so many different directions.

Influence from others

I feel like a couple people that don't really know my relationship or husband have said some things to commiserate and emphasize that are putting me back in my head.  They are people who have seen or experienced divorce firsthand and I think are interpreting what I have shared through their own lenses.  And with my so many of own questions swirling through my head, I'm finding it hard to separate what I know and believe with what other people think.

I ran one of those ideas planted in my head by others past my mom last night.  She knows my husband quite well and she has had quite a few glimpses into our relationship over the years.  It was comforting to hear her speak out loud what my heart and gut were telling me.

But that initial seed of doubt planted by others still sits there.  And it serves no purpose other than to make me crazy and keep me awake at night.  How do I get past this unproductive rumination?  How do I avoid this influence in the future?

I guess this is the con of your support network becoming those who have been divorced before.  They are the ones who are most able to empathize with you but they are also the ones most likely to project their own experiences on yours.  

What I really need right now is just someone who will sit with me while I cry.  I've done enough analyzing and trying to figure out why, probably way too much.  I need to get out of my head.  Right now, I just need to grieve.  I just need to feel not so alone as the pain washes through me.

I took a selfie today.

As I sat in my car in the lot of the attorney's office, I took a selfie.  We create memories of all the happy moments.  Shouldn't we create memories of the moments that challenge us?  Those moments when we hit rock bottom yet still find strength to put one foot in front of another.

Each day is filled with moments where I break down in tears followed by moments of strength and hope.  It's in all of those moments that I find and shape who I am.

Good morning

Good morning....such simple words.  Yet when I received that message from the online therapist I met yesterday through the patient portal, I broke down in tears.

Oh how I always looked forward to "good morning" from my husband.  Even if we were apart, we exchanged those words by text.  It's been over a week since I've heard those words from my husband.

Finding Moments of Strength

I started my morning with my first online therapy session.  I didn't know what to expect.  My therapist is a male in later stages of his life.  I didn't know if he could relate to me.  Or if he could understand things from a woman's point of view.  After just one session, I still don't truly have those answers but I can tell you about how I felt after talking with him.

First, he didn't spend any time on the blame game.  He asked me what reasons my husband had given me and when I told him, he said that sounded like BS.  I laughed because that was exactly my reaction too.  (With some serious self-reflection, I'm starting to see more clarity but it doesn't boil down to the reasons my husband has verbally giving me.) But back to the blame game, I'm done with the blame game.  It doesn't matter.  It won't change the end results.  And it isn't what I need right now.  I need to heal my heart.

Second, he communicated support.  I feel like he is on my side.  I feel like he is a cheerleader for me.  And he had confidence in me.  He didn't see me in such a low place that I would need any more than 4 or 5 sessions.  He saw strength in me.

What is yet to be seen is whether he will challenge me.  That is what made my last therapist (back in the midwest) so good.  She knew how to push back in a way that was non-judgmental and made me honestly pause at times.  But maybe it's okay if he doesn't.  Grieving the loss of this relationship is very different from the things I worked on with my last therapist.

So I walked away from the session feeling ready to face the day.  I had taken two hours leave that morning so arrived at work a bit later than normal, which meant a bit more relaxed start to the day.

Late morning, I made a call to an attorney.  I normally hate talking on the phone (especially cold-calling) but I felt okay making this call.  I don't know what that means.  It was a short call.  She came across as a bit abrupt and right down to business but she didn't come across unfriendly.  She recommended coming in for a consultation and so I am scheduled to come to her office tomorrow.  I hesitated when she said, "how about tomorrow afternoon?"  I kind of hoped she wouldn't have availability for a few days because this process is just going way too fast but I took the appointment anyway.

And then I actually ate my entire lunch today (a salad with chicken) and didn't feel nauseous.  And I came home and re-heated leftovers because I was actually hungry and ate the entire serving.  

Maybe I can do this and come out of it a better person.  I won't pretend I turned some corner today.  I know there is a long road ahead of me.  But I will sit in this strength for a moment.

The Importance of Friends and Family

I feel like I hit rock bottom this weekend (although I'm not going to assume I won't again or that I won't have lower moments later) and so I started looking around me for support.  

My sister is on vacation and so I really didn't want to bother her so I didn't.  Although she did reach out to me to test sending and receiving text messages without buying an internet plan (her connectivity will be very spotty) to see that she could still stay in contact with me.

My Mom has been a pretty good support.  She has encouraged me to call and listens and tries to understand even though she hasn't gone through something similar.

My closest local friend is married with two preschoolers, a full time job, her in-law in town, and has a busy week with other activities she had previously committed to.  So she doesn't have much time for me and she feels distant.  I had heard often that when someone gets divorced, they start losing married friends for various reasons.  I hope this doesn't happen here.  This friend means a lot to me.

I tried to reach out to a former colleague from the midwest who had been a great support when I went through relationship challenges before but she is also traveling.  I'll try to catch up with her whenever she gets back home.

So I've relied on a couple colleagues more than I normally would, both have been through divorces themselves so have been really solid to talk to.  But I don't have relationships with them outside of work so when the weekend came, I felt so alone.

So this morning, I thought of a friend from the midwest, a former colleague from more than a decade ago and reached out to her through Facebook.  It had been so long and we had never been super close but I knew she had also gone through a divorce.  She was the blessing I needed this morning.  After exchanging a few messages through Facebook she offered to talk by phone and we spent the next two hours sharing.  Both tears and laughter filled the call and left me with a strength I thought I had lost and a promise to connect again at least by next weekend, if not sooner.

Then I could focus the afternoon on making sure I got at least one meal in today (that gave me leftovers), did some more work making room for my stuff in the spare bathroom, and then walked to the grocery store where my lack of appetite meant I left with half a basket of food instead of closer to two baskets of food, almost all healthy food though.  Oh well, it will give me reason to walk back again another day.

Rough Weekend

I typed up a draft post yesterday but didn't publish because it was too whiny and too focused on my husband.  I don't want this blog to turn into a space to just complain about my soon-to-be ex.  So let me try again.

This weekend has been so incredibly hard.  I have felt so alone.  And every step I take towards what I need to do makes the loss feel more and more real.  I feel so many emotions (anger, betrayal, loss, fear, sadness, confusion, etc.) that I don't even fully comprehend what my heart is breaking most over.  Tears flow down my cheeks as I type this.

I have made some good progress this weekend though.  I'm working on getting the second bedroom all set up for me and was able to sleep there last night.  It felt so unfamiliar.  I still have some more things I want to transfer and maybe hang a few things on the walls that bring me comfort.  

I had intended to transfer the stuff I was removing to make space for my things all to the closet in our marital bedroom but I just don't have the energy to organize it to fit and why should I be the one to do that?  So it all is just piled around the bed in that room.  He can deal with it when he gets home.  I don't know that he will be expecting me to have done all this so it probably will come as a shock to him.  But maybe that's good.

I also started downloading financial statements and putting together my own financial spreadsheet.  I came across two of my accounts that have his phone number for the multi-factor identification code.  I knew about one of them because he had tried to fix it a few weeks ago unsuccessfully but I didn't know the same thing was true about another.  I have to figure out how to change those.

My mind was ruminating too much on the past couple conversations I have had with him last week and how often he brought up how fair he will be and how he wants me to know he will be fair.  It just feels like manipulation when he tries to convince me he will be fair after having not treated me fairly in the relationship.  So I sent him a text last night telling him that there is nothing fair about how he has treated me or how I will fair when the dust settles.  He didn't respond to the text although I wasn't really expecting a response.  He has gotten very cold and distant in the last conversations.  

I am the one that will have to move out into a MUCH smaller apartment.  I am the one who will then have to go through the address change process with everything.  I am the one who will have to decide whether or not to change my name and then go through the hassle of making the change, if that is what I decide.  I am the one that will be at a financial disadvantage when this is over because of how much more he makes than I do.  It will push back my retirement date.  I am the one that will have to explain to my church why I won't be able to make my pledge this year.  I am the one who will be on the cruise ship where we were married near what would have been our 20th anniversary.  This ship was his idea and we had even booked the same suite from our honeymoon.  I will change cabins but the rest of my family is committed to this ship and itinerary so changing ships is not reasonable.

But I need to move past it not being fair.  I know life isn't fair.  It just doesn't help when your soon-to-be ex keeps trying to convince you it is fair.

On the plus side, I am strong.  I don't feel it right now but I know that I am.  I am secure in who I am (even with all the insecurities that come from being rejected) and know that my happiness comes from within not from another person.  I try to keep reminding myself of this.  With time and healing, I will be in a good place.  I will have the skills to make a great life for myself.  I don't think the same is true for him.  

Maybe that's the better tradeoff.  He probably won't feel too many significant long-term financial consequences from the divorce but he likely will face significant challenges when it comes to relationships, happiness, and emotions.  I'll suffer financially but be a stronger person when it comes to relationships, happiness, and emotions.

I wish we still lived in the midwest.  I had a therapist that I worked with for many years who was so good.  I really feel like she got me and knew how to challenge me when I needed it and support me when I needed it.  If we were there, I would have already called her and scheduled an appointment.  But that isn't an option here so this morning I finally signed up for an online therapist.  I have my first appointment Monday morning.  

It's a male therapist.  I don't yet know how I feel about that.  I looked through a couple platforms (including one through my insurer) but none were giving me a lot of options for therapists and none really spoke to me so I picked the first available.  I'm going through Brightside Health.  They don't list my insurer so I'm paying out of pocket but $299 per month ($244 with a discount code for this first month) for four 45 minute video sessions a month plus unlimited texting seemed like a fair price.

I should pour myself another cup of coffee and maybe eat a little something.  I really like the yogurt I recently picked up so maybe that would be a good choice.  And then I need to stretch my back which really hurts from the work yesterday.  I should also find a reason to go out somewhere today even if it is just grocery shopping, just to get out of this apartment.  I can do this.  I can get through one more day of this weekend alone.

Let it rain!

 I went for that walk last night that I mentioned in my previous post.  It looked like rain but hadn't started yet when I left.  When I reached about the middle of the park near me, the skies opened up. An exercise class was in session and people started running for cover.  One of the resident ducks poked his head up from the tall grass - a rainstorm isn't anything new to him.

I stepped under some trees to take a few breaths and listen to the sound of the rain hitting the leaves, ponds, and pavement.  The wind was strong and I could see my walk back home would be walking directly into it.  I took a step back onto the path and felt the water pour over me.  Rain drops hit me like pellets in synch with the pain of heartbreak I was feeling.  I spread my arms open wide and turned my face to the clouds and just received the nourishing rain.  

I made my way back to my apartment.  At times the rain and wind was so heavy that my view forward was obscured.  And I walked through so many puddles and streams, some ankle deep.  By the time I stepped into the mail room of the complex, I was thoroughly soaked through and dripping.

I have always loved the rain - the soothing sounds while inside lost in a good book or the feeling of aliveness to dance as the water pours over you - I love it all.  My commute is either by foot or kick scooter so I deal with whatever weather comes my way.  Colleagues are always concerned for me and surprised when I don't accept a ride when it rains or the weather is otherwise bad.  They don't understand my connection to Mother Earth including the rain.

This morning I get to listen to the soothing sounds of a steady rain while I spend a little time reading and then working around my apartment.

The beginning of the end...

I'm 42 years old.  I met my husband while I was in college in the midwest and was married shortly after earning my  bachelor's degree.  We had dated almost three years (living together for almost two years of that) before we married.  We have lived in three states, been through numerous job changes, bought and sold each a condo and a house at various stages of our life, and now live in an urban city in the south.  We have been married for 19 years.

Today there was a charge on one of our credit cards for $100 to a local family law firm so I think this is really it.  I figured this is as good a time as any to start a blog about my journey as a way to process this life changing event and document what I hope is ultimately a positive reinvention of myself even if that seems a far off goal at this moment.

I supposed I should give a little background of how I got here.  But note, I don't want to use this forum as a way to bash my husband.  I want this to be about me, not him.  This is now my journey.

My husband traveled for work a lot this first half of the year, more than normal.  When he came home from one of those trips in May, he indicated he was questioning our relationship.  Over the next two months, it was like riding a roller coaster as we hit rock bottom and talked about divorce and then bounced back and had some really fun moments together.  Even with all the hope I was fed at times (and maybe imagined myself) throughout those two months, I just felt he had one foot out the door and was looking for an exit.  So the night before he left for a trip to see family, I finally pushed him to make a choice - either get back in this relationship and actually try to make it work or leave.  He chose to leave.  So I dropped him off at the airport very early that next morning after a night of no sleep with a pit in my stomach.

I still love him so much.  What I didn't expect in those first days of essentially no contact was how much I would miss the every day moments, the sharing of the good and bad, the good mornings and good nights.  He was my best friend.  He made me smile and laugh.  He lived life with me.  We had dreamed together, made so many plans together.  I had accepted who he was, flaws and all, and found fulfillment in our marriage, even if it wasn't perfect.

I understand that he had built up resentment going back many years and had not been happy for quite a while.  We had tried couples counseling about seven years ago which I thought was successful enough to move across country with him in 2018.  Reflecting back, I realize all the work on our relationship was done by me.  So of course it was going to eventually crumble - interactions between couples are two sided.  One person changing their half of the unhealthy dynamic may help limp the relationship forward but it doesn't actually solve the problem unless the other does the same.  

To this day, he still doesn't seem to recognize his role in our dynamics or in the breakdown of our relationship.  I hope knowing that fact makes it easier to eventually accept and heal.  Because although my heart doesn't understand it yet, his lack of self-reflection would doom our relationship eventually - if not today, someday in the future.  And maybe someday I'll realize I'm better off without him.

So here I am, sitting at my kitchen table (a beautiful table my dad built), trying to figure out what to do next.  These first four days of him being out of town were mostly about just putting one foot in front of the other.  I did manage to join a yoga class last night in the courtyard of my apartment building that was so needed.  And I've reached out to some really supportive friends and family.  I've also cried more tears than I thought were in me and still found a few moments to laugh with others.  And I put in a request to join a divorce group for women over 40 on Facebook (a request I see was just granted).  I think all that is pretty darn impressive for my first four days.  Someone said in the comments of Carolyn Hax's Friday chat today on The Washington Post's website, shared that her mother always said, "Inch by Inch, Life's a Cinch, but Yard by Yard, Life is Hard."

So what's next?  My husband returns 11 days from today.  I refuse to be kicked out of my own apartment before I'm ready so we will need to find a way to co-exist for a time being.  So here are my goals for the next 11 days:

1. Move my stuff and create a sanctuary for me in our second bedroom.  I want to take the time to make this a place I can feel is home, for now.  I'll move the TV out and anything else of his and move in some things that are important to me.  I'm choosing the second bedroom over expecting him to move out of our marital bedroom because I prefer the bathroom that is attached to this bedroom and making my own space might be better than trying to live in "our" space.
2. Focus on my self-care.  How can I be more active?  How can I make sure I'm eating healthy (or eating at all)?  What can I do to better manage my chronic pain?  What things can I do that would make me feel confident, lovable, and authentic?  How do I lean on (and maybe even expand) my social network?  How can I tap into my inner strength? And maybe most importantly, how can I sit in my grief and face and attend to that raw emotion?

I also know that I need to be gathering financial documents, deciding on whether or not to change my name back, finding an apartment, etc.  But I'm not going to put such a strict timeline on all that.  I'm going to take all that at my own pace.  Goals one and two above are by far more important for the immediate days.

Let me end this post with a little bit about how all this has affected me over the last two months.  Although normally a good sleeper, my sleep has been severely challenged.  Last night was not a good night.  But the two nights before I partially made up for the no sleep Monday night.  I feel like with each hitting rock bottom, I struggle for some time and then start to get into a better rhythm with some better nights.  

My appetite is gone.  If I don't intentionally remind myself to eat, I don't.  Today was one of those days.  I should probably find something more substantial to eat this evening.  Surprisingly, my interest in alcohol is also completely gone.  I don't think I've had a drink since sometime in May.  Between those two things, I'm losing weight.  I didn't weigh myself right in the beginning but since mid-March, I'm down 12.5 pounds.

I've started to experience hot flashes at night, mostly on the restless, most stressful nights.  The dynamic between feet that are so so cold and a torso that is drenched in sweat is not pleasant.  I had started to notice some slight variations in my period before all this started so I'm not surprised to see more signs of what is probably perimenopause.  I'm sure the stress is probably exasperating it.  

I have experienced chronic back, hip, and pelvic pain for the last 15+ years.  Stress is one of the biggest triggers of that pain and so I've been in more pain than usual.  I'm also dealing with some foot pain that won't go away so honestly, it feels like my whole body is falling apart.  It's amazing what stress does to your body.

Well, that's enough for my first post.  Assuming it isn't raining outside (or maybe even if it is), I think I'm going to go for a short walk and then maybe read a book I had started.