My car as my sanctuary

I think I’ve been on the road for about ten hours.  I’m sitting at my last charging stop.  I’ll sit here just a little longer than normal since this hotel doesn’t have overnight charging.  Interestingly, this stop is the first time ever that I have had to wait in line.  I’m impressed with how orderly it was.  I didn’t mind the wait though because it’s quiet in here.

I can sit back and just enjoy the scenery (which currently includes a palm tree).  I don’t need to bury myself in my phone to disassociate from the fear of whatever consequences could come from my ex-husband’s aggressive driving or from trying to balance validating his complaints enough he won’t start criticizing me without feeding into them too much that he spirals further.  Oh, and he would have really complained about the wait.  Controlling my reactions to idiot drivers and maintaining this peace even in busy traffic today has been a walk in the park compared to what I used to deal with.  And honestly, when you give people space, you don’t deal with even a fraction of what I saw my ex-husband deal with.

So I’m just going to enjoy this quiet in these last few moments of charging before I head to my hotel.  What a good day this was!  I hope the hotel restaurant is open for a Nee Year’s Eve drink and light meal.

I don't want to take this anger into 2026

The story of the gray car came up again in therapy last night.  There were parallels in it to the story I wrote a couple days ago about my color guard flag and rifle.  In 2002, I wrote, "The day I give up my flags and rifle will be the day I die."  And then in 2018, I sold them both.  Each represented a slow erasure of my needs and wants.  And they were a realization that I got choosier and choosier about the battles I picked and chose as the years went by.  His push back at my often very simple requests and reminders of how little tiny things (like telling the car salesman I didn't want a gray car) were "almost marriage-ending" in his mind, encouraged me to speak up less and less and shrink myself smaller and smaller.  Even his mom fed into that with the argument she intervened in, telling me I should support my man.

I admit that I as I went to bed last night an anger welled up in me that was almost overwhelming.  He used something that cost him absolutely nothing to try to hold over my head for years.  His ego was more important than me, my needs, my wants, or my feelings.  

I just can't get over how someone could treat another like that.  I can't understand that mentality.  To see clearly what he did destroys the innocence I had about the kindness of others.

So I'm so angry he lied about who he was, deceived me, and then slowly chipped away at me until I became a person that was completely needless and oblivious to the way he was draining me.  What a horrible, terrible thing to do to another person!  And to do it to someone to whom he repeatedly said "I love you."

But it's been too long holding onto this anger.  It's only harming me.  It's only keeping me stuck.  I want to leave it in 2025.

I plan to be on the beach on New Year's morning in just two day's time.  Maybe there's something symbolic I can write or draw in the sand for the waves to wash away to encourage a release.

What Red Flags Did I miss? Part 4 - Timeline for moving in together

I think this entry is where I'm going to end this series of posts about the early years.  In other blog posts over the last year, I've reflected enough on the red flags and the change I saw in him and his parents after we moved in together, including a journal entry from January of 2004 where I realized I would never be his priority and that I didn't feel I could talk to him about it because his insecurities lead him to take everything as criticism. 

My goal with this series of blog posts was to better understand what I had missed in those very early days in hopes that I will be more observant at the beginning of any future relationship should I ever find someone worth dating again.

This entry's focus is on how fast things happened and how out of control I felt.

I've lost the entry where I mention this but fairly early on in this first semester after we started dating, he got notice that he had not been accepted into the internship program he wanted.  He was set to finish his coursework the next spring (2003) and then do an internship before graduating with his undergrad degree.  He then was going to get his graduate degree from the same college as his undergrad.  The school he went to for his undergrad was known for its business and accounting degrees.  It was probably one of the better schools for those programs in the state.  And it had a requirement that you couldn't be accepted into their MBA program without doing an internship first.

Yes, there were other potential internship opportunities but not getting the one he wanted was a huge setback to him.  And then he learned that my college offered an MBA program that didn't require an internship.  And skipping the internship meant, he could finish his MBA degree a semester earlier than he had planned.  So he decided to apply to the MBA program at my school.

At the time, it felt like he was making this decision to be with me and I'm sure I was a factor.  But as I re-read my journal, I realize it was probably more about taking the easy way out after he didn't get what he wanted.

College off-campus housing in my college town at that time was quite predatory.  If you wanted a good place to live, you had to be prepared to sign a lease in the fall with a move-in date of the next summer.  So in November (only four months into our relationship), we started looking at apartments.  It was his idea to live together.  And although I didn't say no, I don't know how enthusiastic my yes was.  It all felt like it happened so fast that I didn't have time to think.

Here is what I wrote on December 9, 2002,

Ever see your life speeding ahead of you, feeling as if you have lost control? Where you feel like something is just pulling long and you really have no say in what you do or what happens. That is how I feel right now. Everything I ever knew disappeared from my site and something more exciting replaced it all. But I let it take over me and before I knew it I felt like I was backed up against a wall with no where to go. And that's when the doubts start. I'm not saying I don't like my life. I'm not even saying I don't want things to go the way they are going. I have a guy who loves me more unconditionally than I ever thought possible. A guy who would do anything to make my day. A guy who supports me more than anyone ever has before. A guy who knows how to just hold me when I need to cry my fears out and then when I'm done, wipes the tears away. A guy who still wants to spend the rest of his life with me even after he has seen so many of my imperfections. 

But it all started the week he decided he would skip the internship next semester and be able to graduate then so that he could come up here for his masters. From that point until now I feel like so many decisions were just made for me to the point where I have no choice anymore. We got the idea that we wanted to maybe live together. And to get a decent apartment for next [year] we needed to sign a lease right a way so we started looking. We found one place we really like but waited a week and a half to sign the lease to make sure it is what we wanted. During this time his parents went out and basically outfitted our kitchen and such. And the excitement of getting this place together was just too much. But I went to turn in our applications only to find the place had been taken. So we looked again. And were shown another beautiful apartment, not wanting to loose out on it we turned in our application that same day so that we would be sure to get it. And we did get it and I have signed the lease. And his parents keep buying us stuff. They called just yesterday asking if we wanted them to get us matching coasters and tv trays. I did everything I could to convince them that we didn't need them because it's just gotten to be too much. [ex-husband] thinks I don't like the coasters and that I'm going to convince my dad to make us tv trays. The latter I probably will do but it has nothing to do with liking the coasters. 

Anyway the point of it all is that I don't feel like I was making decisions based on what I want. This makes me start to question what I want. It makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing being with [ex-husband] and if I really do love him. Well, I mean I know I love him. I just ask myself whether I love him the way he loves me. I'm not saying I don't. I just have all of these questions swirling around in my head. And I guess what makes it worse is I know that I've come too far. Even if I didn't want to be involved with him randomly I don't think I could ever break his heart like that. I know how much I mean to him. I can see how I've changed his life. And I really love how I do make a difference in his life. I know that sounds so selfish. But that is how I feel right now. I feel like I'm seeing everything through selfish eyes. Like this relationship is all about me. Maybe that's where the problem lies. 

I need him. Or so I've come to believe. I am an independent person. I never wanted to be at the point where I needed anyone. But you don't realize what a difference his support makes. I've never had good support from anyone ever before. I mean I've had plenty of friends who have been there at times but none of them could really support me all that well through no fault of their own. And my parents have never given me much support. I've never had someone love me like this. No one has ever made such an impact in my life. And I've never felt so comfortable with anyone in my life. Well, excpet maybe Beth but only for a short time in 8 and 9th grade. 

See my selfishness. I don't want to be together with him for selfish reasons. I never want to do that to anyone. 

That all said, I think I've rambled enough. Just give me a couple days and all of this will have passed. Because I know I'm overly emotional right now. And every once in a while these doubts come back. But the second I see that love in his eyes or feel my heart skip a beat just at the sound of his voice or the slight touch of his hand, I know that this can be nothing but true love.

Until I re-read this entry, I had forgotten about the pressure from his parents as they basically outfitted our apartment with stuff before we had a signed lease, more than six months before we ever were going to move in together.  So I was facing the intensity of his excitement as he pushed forward, the pressure from landlords to decide now, and pressure from his parents as they made it feel harder and harder to back out.

You ever get caught up in something that it feels like the only choice is to keep moving forward.  The best analogy I can think of is my experience walking the streets of Manhattan in the evening.  The crowd is so thick that you can almost just pick up your feet and still keep moving forward and it takes real effort to navigate a different path than the masses.

To counter all of that, my parents were adamantly against me living with him.  My Mom didn't even like the fact that I was on birth control and spending nights with him.  There are a few entries where my Dad asks if he can build anything for us and my Mom really tries to shush him because she doesn't want him encouraging us.  I didn't have a great relationship with my parents at the time.  It wasn't a horrible relationship but I felt like all they did was judge and criticize me when they weren't completely ignoring me.  And I was immature, so I wasn't too keen on listening to advice from my parents.

I want to add that despite my prior impressions that it was the relationship with my first girlfriend and then him that fully pulled me out of my depression, after re-reading these entries, I'm not so sure that is true.  I think it was underlying the entire time I was dating him and maybe even into our first years of marriage.  I just think I learned more coping skills as time progressed.  Even at my lowest moments, I was always a functional depressed person.  I could get straight A's and excel at work even when my mental health was in pieces.  Except for those who were close to me, people never even guessed I was depressed.

I wonder how that colored my view of everything in the moment and how that added to the feelings of being overwhelmed and struggling to process what all was happening so that I could make better decisions.

What Red Flags Did I Miss? Part 3 - Going off to separate colleges

For some context, he went to college 45 minutes from his home.  He kept his grocery store job and worked it some weekends (prior to me he went home every weekend to work and have his mom do his laundry).  I went to college about 4 hours away.  It was my junior year and it was the first year I had a car at college.  Our original plan was to see each other every other weekend trading off who drove.  Sometimes when it was my weekend to drive, I would go and spend the weekend with him on his campus sometimes I would spend it in our hometown together.  On his weekends to drive, he would come stay with me in my dorm.  Once or twice we met at a campground for the weekend.

As the year went on, we seemed to find reasons to shorten that time apart and added in extra trips.  I still remember the day mid-week where I skipped a class and got in my car and just drove to see him for just the night without even as much as a toothbrush.  By spring, with our schedules and different spring breaks, we were seeing each other more days than not.  I can't even guess how many miles I put on that van or how much I spent in gas.  I knew those roads like the back of my hand.

Shortly after I moved back to college that fall, I wrote about how much I felt at home in Eau Claire and how much I had missed it.  Reading between the lines, it seemed like I was finally getting a chance to breathe which felt like a relief.  And that's all a bit ironic because my first potential roommate backed out when she found out I was bisexual and the one who actually did live with me at the beginning was passive-aggressive and quite mean to me and then criticized the fact that I was quiet around her.  It's also a bit ironic to think of it as home since so many of my friendships had ended and my social circle at college was down to about two people.

Kind of unrelated but interesting in the context of my marriage.  I wrote this on September 4, 2002.  

I was walking up the hill this afternoon and I could hear the marching band practicing across the river. It just made me miss colorguard. I've been away from it 3 full years and it still draws me in like never before. It's like a part of me. The day I give up my flags and rifle will be the day I die.

Fast forward, I sold my flags and rifle in the summer of 2018, the summer my ex-husband was insistent we move somewhere so began selling off so many of our belongings.  Does this represent loss of self?  Or just normal growth?  Do I wish I still had them? I don't know.  I remember laughing off the way our house emptied out room by room before we even had a plan to move somewhere else but maybe that's because I didn't know how else to react to such behavior.  Ultimately, it made moving south so much easier but it all felt so premature - I think it started in April or May of that year with a huge rummage sale in July.  I didn't have a job offer until September so it wasn't until September we had any clue where we were moving.  But back to 2002.....

In early September, he gave me a card that in hindsight was quite a bit over-the-top for a relationship that was only 2 months old and this entry implies he had been talking a lot about the future even before this date.  I have other entries too where I hint at feeling a little unsettled by his repeated future talk.  On September 9, 2002, I wrote:

So the topic of conversation today is committment because I receive a card from [ex-husband] that really expressed what goes through his mind, something I had suspected all along. Because even when people are joking or making passing comments there usually is some truth to it all. So I can't say I'm surprised by it all. 

It was the sweetest card. He has small handwriting and managed to fill the entire card.

So he says things like "even though you are my first girlfriend, I am 100% sure that you are the best choice for me." and "I will always love you..."

Two and a half months ago he did scare me a lot when he started thinking about this fall and how often we would be able to see each other. And the way that he just kind of assumed a second date told me from the beginning that he was looking for long term. My thoughts when I said yes were, "I'll try one date. Maybe it will be fun to have someone new to hang out with." Never was I thinking that he might become my boyfriend.

Now, I'm in a little different place. I'm scared that I feel the same way. I'm scared that I'm no longer worrying about whether he is going to bring up the near future but I'm thinking about the fact that in 2 and a half years he will have his graduate degree and I will have my teacher certificate.

And then later in his letter he goes on and starts using the us and we in reference to an even further future. "We can shape the future and I see us doing so!" (with the us underlined) And then he asks me, "You sure you don't want a big house?" Whenever we are on Pewaukee lake we look at all the houses and nine times out of ten I make some comment about how a house is too big whenever he asks what I think of one. And then he writes, "I miss you, but we need to get educated so taht we can get good jobs, help people and make a living! (hints)." (and of course the we's are underlined again.)

Honestly I love this. Not that I live for the future. But when I do think about where I might be in the future it's this kind of stuff that really makes me want to get through this and get to the future. If he really means every word he says, then I don't ever have to worry about a lonely future again. Because I will be "the one" to him. I want this all to be true. But sometimes it just seems like a dream too good to come true. Like can I really put that kind of trust in him?

And then the other question is: is he "the one" for me?

I hate my doubts! I hate that it is so hard for me to trust people!

And I haven't even gotten into his family who absolutely adores me. I love his family! They are becoming more of a family to me than my own. His mom is incredible. She is a little overwhelming at times and reminds me of my Grandma a little bit but on the other hand she is so incredibly sweet and an absolutely incredible person. I can definately see where [ex-husband] gets everything about him from. Because both of his parents are wonderful people. And it's weird how my thought process sometimes even matches with that of his mom. She said something to [ex-husband] over the weekend that was almost exactly what I said to him just a few weeks ago.

Right now I'm just going to take things as they come and enjoy every moment of it.

I kind of like being away to college away from him right now because it really gives me lots of time to think things through clearly. And it helps me develop me more before I become an even bigger part of him. It makes me realize that I could potentially be getting married not too far out of college and that I really should be enjoying my independence and life as me. Not that I won't still have some of that, it will just be different. It's like now I don't have to consider anyone else when I make my decisions. When I'm seriously involved with someone like in marriage, I won't be completely on my own for it all anymore. I really don't know what I'm saying so I'm just going to shut up now and go to bed. Sweet dreams all!

There is so much to unpack in that entry, the comparisons to his mom, the way his mom had fooled me into thinking she was this kind and loving person, the doubts I felt, the planning so far into the future so early in the relationship, the excitement mixed with unsettling feelings, etc.  I feel a little uncomfortable reading it today knowing how much of it was a performance and how I was ignoring something in my gut that was trying to get me to pause.

I feel like that is this theme the entire beginning of this relationship - my gut trying to get me to pause.  Every moment of excitement was mixed with some unsettling feelings.  I knew I was overwhelmed yet I pushed forward instead of slowing down.  I suppose, I finally had someone (and his parents) who were showering me with attention, something that had so been lacking in my life.  Although, in hindsight I realize it was a performance lacking authenticity, I finally felt seen, heard, and understood.  And they were all so charming and charismatic.  

This post from September 11 is really interesting given what I now know about the masks my ex wore.  Was I seeing his masks?  Or was I questioning my own masks?  It's not clear and the year before I had a lot of reflections about the own masks I had worn in the past so it's possible this was just about me.

Who are you "real" with? And how do you know when you've gotten to that point where you don't feel you have to impress the other person? And a better question: how do you know when he/she is truly being "real" with you? We all put on masks from time to time. Rarely will we ever act completely like ourselves when we first meet someone. And I think that many of us still don't act completely ourselves around many friends whom we have known for years.

And then that brings me to, "do we really know who we are?" or "have we worn a mask for so long that we know longer recognize our true selves?"

I'm just reflecting on the relationships in my life trying to figure out where and how they all fit in. And I guess, seeing how far I've come in the last year or two.

After a weekend on his college campus in early October, he followed up to make sure I made it back to my college safely and I wrote how much it meant to have someone care if I was safe.  That seems at odds with the man who was annoyed in later years when I wanted to check in with him by text the nights I walked the streets of Birmingham on my own after dark.  

This is really interesting, on October 7, I wrote, "It was great to see Mrs. [high school chemistry teacher] speechless at [the grocery store] the other day when [ex-husband] and I were together. I guess she didn't realize we were dating. Don't know why it would be such a surprise though because she knows us both and our personalities match in a lot of ways."  I was so quick to dismiss her reaction but I wonder if there was something behind it.  I had her for two years of chemistry, the second year was a small class size as it was an AP advanced chemistry class so she did get to know her students well.  She also lived in my ex-husband's neighborhood (just a couple house down I believe) and so had known him and his family much of his life.  I think she even had kids around the age of my ex-husband and/or his brother.

It was in November and December, that my ex-husband started making plans to get his graduate degree from my college instead of continuing on at his own college.  He was graduating from undergrad at the end of this school year.  I have so many mixed feelings about how that decision was made and how quickly I found myself signing a lease with him for the next school year that I think it deserves an entire post of its own.

I had a glimpse at his impulsivity and obsession with cars fairly early on.  Here is what I wrote on December 24, 2002:

Sometimes that boy just frustrates me. This time it is over a stupid car. He wants to throw his money away to buy another car that will probably be no better than the one he drives now just because his mechanic screwed something up that can probably be fixed if he would just have a little patience. He doesn't have the money now. And yes I am being selfish right now in a way. If he buys this other car he will have a harder time paying for the apartment and everything and I will probably be helping him out (not that big of a deal) but then when my car dies in a few years (and it probably will get to the point where it is not reliable enough soon) he won't have any money to help me buy a new car and I won't have any left either. So loans will be taken out and this will just add to the loans we will be paying off once we both do graduate. And with the ecomony the way it is now, we need to realize that finding jobs is not going to be all that easy regardless of what we are going into. It would just be putting us in a position we don't want to be in. All over a silly car that in reality will be fine. It's a fairly new car with low miles on it and in excellent condition. There is no reason to believe that the mechanic did something that will permanently make it run horribly. He needs to have a little faith in it right now and not just run out to buy a new car. Is this how he is going to deal with things when something goes wrong, run out and replace it?

Every once in a while I feel like I'm holding him back from doing something he really wants to do and this is one of those times. If I wasn't around he would have already bought the car. And he would have had the money to buy the car. I don't ever want to get in the way of what he really wants.

Interestingly, my former girlfriend responded to that post (it was an entry that was public to my friends), "you be his self control hunnie. he'll thank you someday."  He never did thank me.  He blamed me instead.  I don't think he even realizes that we got further together financially because I was able to slow him down at times.  I'm not sure how good he really is at thinking long-term.  I guess that isn't completely true as he understood we needed to save for retirement.  But beyond retirement, he always seemed more focused on the instant gratification.

The question I ask myself in that entry "Is this I how he is going to deal with things when something goes wrong, run out and replace it?" kind of haunts me because that was his approach to life.  Keeping on the subject of cars, he even once used the excuse that the windshield wipers needed to be replaced so we might as well just buy a new car!  We did the same with electronics.  I think he took the same mindset in the jobs that didn't immediately prove to be what he expected.  And he sure had no interest in fixing our relationship when things started to go wrong, he didn't even have an interest in communicating what was wrong.

In February of 2003, I found a test online to discover whether you are ready to be loved.  I know tests like that sound really silly but it is what college students do, or at least did in my time.  I was embarrassed by my score and impressed by his perfect score.  But honestly, what 21 year old boy (especially knowing what I know about him now) genuinely is that perfect at love?  He either lied about his score or didn't honestly answer the questions.  In hindsight, none of this sounds authentic but he was clearly convincing.  

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve [ex-husband]. I mean he has it all together. And so often I'm such a mess.

So I came across an "Are you ready to be loved?" quiz today. And in the introduction to the quiz it talks about how finding true love is more complicated than just walking down the produce aisle. Since that is where I met [ex-husband] (or at least close to it), I thought I sent him the link to read that. Well, he was compelled to continue on and take the quiz. And of course he was excited to tell me that he got a perfect score. Which I'm far from surprised about. Then of course he asks about my score, which was a 4 or 5 out of 7 questions. And the sad thing about it all is that he has taught me so much about love in the last almost 8 months that my score 8 months ago would have been even more of an embarrasment.

This guy knows what love is. He knows how to give it unconditionally. He knows how to accept it. And he loves every second of it all, regardless of what he is doing. He knows how to just hold me when I cry and to listen to the words between my sobs or wait patiently if I'm not ready to talk. He knows how to react to my many moods. He knows how to make me feel incredibly special, even when I'm at my lowest.

He tells me that he will be there for me no matter what. But it's more than anyone should have to deal with. It's bad enough that I have to deal with my own problems. Why should I drag someone else into them?

I also find it fascinating that I thought he had it all together.  He couldn't do his own laundry until I taught him.  He still relied on his mom for so much.  He didn't get the internship he wanted and instead of looking for another one and sticking with the program that was probably a better program, he switched to my school for his graduate degree.  And he failed miserably at his first professional job and didn't do so well at his next two either. 

Then in April, I proposed to him.  I don't know why I felt the need to be the one to propose.  I don't have any entries where I talk about my reasoning but I do write about how a lot of doubts followed me all the way until the moment he said yes.  I wonder if this was my misguided way of trying to take back some control over the timeline.  Up until that point, I felt like so many decisions were being made for me or were happening so fast that I didn't have time to process them.

I also wonder if in the back of my head, I was influenced by my parents who were not happy we were living together before marriage.  Maybe I thought getting engaged before we moved in would appease them a bit.

I know this post is getting really long so I'll end it with these two entries about the proposal.

 April 21, 2003

As the day gets closer I only get more nervous and am filled with more doubts. Do I really know what I'm doing? Do I know what I'm getting myself into? I'm scared. I wish I wasn't so damn insecure! As I was driving to Whitewater last night I just had this urge to turn around and drive as far from him as possible. It was the worst feeling in the world. Because I knew that my life would never be the same without him. I don't want to run away from things any more. I want to run to something. I know that if I don't go through with it this weekend I will probably never go through with it and will regret it the rest of my life. I'm just scared. I have doubts that are not founded in any reality. I know that we will make anything work. I know that our love will conquer because it's a love based on true friendship and wanting to do everything in our power for each other. He is my best friend. He stands by me through everything (good and bad). He is so patient with me. He knows how to just hold me when I need to cry. I've got to hold on to this guy. And so this weekend it's time to take the next step.

April 28, 2003 (the day after I proposed)

As I pulled into the scenic overlook, I put my hand in my pocket to make sure I still had the poem. We walked hand in hand along the boardwalk commenting on the sand and the footprints in it. We stood in each others embrace as my heart began to beat more rapidly. I knew exactly what I would say. I tried several times to get the words to come out of my mouth. Finally I said, "I want to read you a poem I wrote" and I pulled it out of my pocket. He was surprised I had it with me. And then he asked me a question that momentarily threw me off, "When did you write it?" I think I mumbled something about a while ago. Then I started reading the poem just as I had rehearsed but I was too nervous to remember the words so I had to read a lot of them. At first my heart was beating so fast that I'm not sure exactly how the words came out. But by the time I got to those last two lines I put the paper down and I was confident. It felt so right. That's when it all came together for me. He then mumbled a surprised "uh huh". I really had left him speechless. And then shortly after a real definite "yes!" Time stood still in that moment. We just held each other and kissed each other. That marked a significant change that I didn't realize would happen at least not so obviously. That was when I started to see how he really would fit into my life as my husband. It was all made real then. I looked at him a little differently from that moment on.

College Friendships

In my college years, I wrote repeatedly about being frustrated at one-sided relationships.  I was the friend who listened to everyone's problems and who everyone came to for advice.  They knew I would make time for them no matter what I had going on.  But besides when they needed something, I was always the one reaching out, making the calls, checking in on them, etc.  I felt repeatedly hurt and disappointed that no one ever seemed to check in on me.  I felt like people took advantage of my kind, giving nature.  I often felt unseen and misunderstood.

Then, one of my closest friends from my freshman year in college turned on me when we returned in the fall.  I had forgotten about her in previous reflections of all the friends that abruptly ended friendships with me.  I never could get any real answers from her.  I always wondered if it was because I wasn't straight and that summer between freshman year and sophomore year I actually dated a woman.  This friend really distanced herself and the interactions we had were filled with. judgments and criticisms of me.  She told me several times that she had changed over the summer but would not talk about how.  I kept trying far longer than I should have.

And then I made a mess of another friendship in the assumptions I made and some generalized I wrote in online posts that offended someone who I never meant to sweep up in those generalizations.  And that is when I wrote about how I had been struggling for several weeks.  I identified my breakup with my first girlfriend as the start of the downward spiral.  This was the first mention of the breakup (that had happened the month prior) in my entries.

This is what I wrote on October 20, 2001:

I have been quite emotional the last few weeks so I took a few moments today in between all the excitement of homecoming to figure out when it started. This is what I came up with. First of all breaking up with [first girlfriend] was quite emotionally. I wanted to hang onto to something that just wasn't there anymore.  And then my friend, [friend I didn't mean to include in later generalizations], blew me off leaving me with the feeling that it was my fault. But I think I was still rational at that time. 

I think it was the week of National Coming Out Day that made me loose it (well, whatever little I had left). I got all excited for it, planned for it all week. And then when it came and it was such a small group of mostly guys, and it was then that I realized that what I had been going after the last couple of weeks was so far from what I really needed, I guess it was hard. I went up to my room afterwards instead of checking out the Community Center, hanging out with Ashley at Racy's, or dancing at Higher Ground with Molly and Amber and whoever else. I should have gone out.

Anyways, now that I have blabbered, I think that is when things really went downhill. And on top of it, battles with [friend who turned on me] had only been getting more frequent and more frustrating.

So then when I get this inspiration to transfer to Milwaukee, I see it as my escape, kinda, and so I write a poorly worded journal entry that only succeeds in pissing off my friend, [friend I didn't mean to include in my generalizations]. And so I react irrationally. And make things worse. So then yesterday was the point where I needed to stop myself. So I uninstalled my AIM and MSN Messenger from my computer and even turned my computer off for most of the afternoon. And I sat in my room all by myself. I read, I slept, I watched TV, and the one time I left my room was to walk through and explore the woods by myself. And by doing so I didn't add to any of the crap I've gotten myself into.

And today I went out and enjoyed the Homecoming Parade and Game by myself. It was fun. I watched, I took pictures, I learned.

So now where am I? I'm not quite sure. I know I'm not ready to reinstall the AIM and MSN or to sit down and talk to  [friend who turned on me] or [friend I didn't mean to include in my generalizations]. And I know I'm not ready to really hang out with my college friends for they are part of the interweaved web of my problems. But at the same time I'm not real content to sit in my room completely isolated from society. I can't be a hermit, sorry DiiBish.

It took me weeks to acknowledge how the breakup had hit me.  It appears I had tried to avoid those feelings.  That said, I didn't wait weeks to reach back out to my other friends.  Shortly after I wrote this entry, I did repair things with the friend who I hadn't meant to sweep up in generalizations.  She was my most consistent friend, probably my healthiest relationship.

I admit that I was not always my best self in the relationships I was struggling so much with that year.  I laughed in horror when I read this entry from mid-November.  I projected all my own insecurities onto a different friend not yet referenced in this blog post at a time when that was the last thing she needed.

I'm worried about [friend]. She claims nothing is wrong but looks like all hell broke loose. She basically locked herself in her room last night until I wrote on her board. Then she was suddenly curious to see who had written what and I had mentioned in my note that I was worried about her so she came down the hall just to inform me that there was nothing to worry about. She got all defensive about it. Then today when she answered the door she looked pretty bad so I asked her if she was ok and she got all mad at me. She was "sick" of people asking her that. Even though it was only the second or third time this week she still thought that was too much. And she told me that she hates it when people ask her that when according to her there is nothing to be worried about. So I yelled back at her and told her just how bad she looked and went on to explain that me personally would rather someone ask me if I was ok when I was then for them to ignore me when I'm not ok like they usually do. It's just so frustrating.

Then in January of 2002, I headed off to Spain.  I had so many mixed emotions about going.  I was terrified at the uncertainty of making my way in a foreign country with a language I was still learning where meat was the center of every meal (I was a vegetarian).  I was deeply worried about the friendships I had that were already on rocky ground.  I worried everyone would forget about me.  But as the weeks got closer to January, I also saw it as a chance to escape and an adventure.

And then that spring semester in Spain went one of two ways depending on which blog you read.  There's probably truth to both perspectives I wrote.  The new blog I created just for that semester that was public facing for friends and family to follow along reflected me having an amazing time, booking overnight trains every weekend I could that had me getting back in at 8:30 am just an hour or two before classes resumed for the week, going out with an international group of people regularly, and dancing in the night clubs until 2am (including one day I supposedly got up on a platform to dance!).  My homesickness didn't creep into that blog until the last month (of almost 5 months).

The second journal was the continuation of my LiveJournal which was a mix of private entries and entries shared with a small group of friends.  In that journal, I didn't fit in.  I hated the food.  My host family hated me.  Very few of my friends were sending e-mails, letters, or anything to stay in contact.  I felt forgotten and lost in a culture I didn't understand.  In that journal, I was ready to go back home week one.

In reality, I suspect that study abroad experience was an uncomfortable time of growth and as is my nature, I looked for the positive even as I struggled as I stayed committed to the full experience.  And I did lose friends, the friendships that had already started to fracture the semester before, the friendships that were the most imbalanced.  

I think that shift in friendships made me a bit vulnerable when I met my ex-husband.  My support network by 2002 was at a low point, although not non-existent.  And the majority of my relationships up to that point had lacked balance and reciprocation so that was my norm.  So when his initial performance included some balance and reciprocation, I latched onto it.

Constants about me

In re-reading my journals from more than twenty years ago, I realized there are some things that have been true about me going all the way back to at least my teens, maybe further.  Some of it surprised me a bit.

I have never been someone who truly looks at herself in the mirror, until now.  I once walked around Spain for two full days in a shirt that was on backwards without realizing it and that wasn't an isolated incident when I think back over my entire life.  If I wouldn't take time to see myself why would others take the time to see me?  This is a really positive change in the last year and a half but reading my journal from more than twenty years ago helps me understand why it feels so foreign to me.

When I am overwhelmed or overcome with emotion, I find a corner in a room where I sit on the ground with my back and bottom to hard surfaces.  I wrote about the corner in my dorm room.  I can picture where in the conference room of the private law firm I used to go.  Even my favorite place as a child, Mucky Island, was a hard rock.  And in my darkest moments of this last year, I have instinctively sunk to the ground and found a wall or hard surface to lean against.  This is just interesting awareness that I had never thought about.  I don't actually know what it means.

I have always loved the rain and my instinct when I need to think or don't know what I need is to go for a walk.  There was a local park in my hometown that I frequented almost as much as I frequent my current local park.  I chose a college with one of the most beautiful campuses with a river running through it, breathtaking views from the top of a hill, and nature trails.  Nature has always drawn me in.  It has always been both my escape and how I reconnect.  This has been a healthy coping skill that has got me through so much in life.

I have never felt like I truly fit anywhere.  My journal entries are filled with stories of not quite fitting in at social events, in friend groups, etc.  

My marriage felt like the closest thing to fitting somewhere although in hindsight I don't know how much of that is due to him mirroring me and me hanging onto his performative self.  I suppose it is a bit ironic that I ultimately had to shrink and disconnect from myself to keep that feeling of fitting somewhere.  I suppose though it was that initially mirroring that drew me in and created an experience (as false as it may have been) that filled a whole in what had been lacking in my life.

I still don't feel like I truly fit anywhere although I have built some communities where I am tolerated and maybe even accepted to a certain extent.  This is probably where I'm still a little vulnerable - I may not always quickly pick up on mirroring and a false image if it suddenly feels like I finally fit.  Or maybe awareness of this will make me skeptical of anything feels like a fit.

I've always been very self-reflective and introspective.  My closest college friend (and probably my most stable relationship) was someone I had nothing in common with except that deep introspective way of looking at the world.  We would talk for hours in the dining hall until we would realize we had been there so long they had closed and locked us in.  When I find people with this kind of depth, I need to invest in those conversations and relationships.

I have never been blind to imbalanced or unreciprocated relationships.  I've just accepted it assuming that this is the way the world is for me.  So on some level, I probably was expecting an imbalanced marriage.  Is it the people I choose?  Is it misguided perceptions?  I hope I have learned this lesson.

I have some more thoughts on my friendships, how I showed up in them, and what I tolerated that I'll expand on in another post in the next few days.  It's really been fascinating stepping back into my 20 year old shoes with the maturity and clarity of someone in her 40s.  And I think it is helping me work through some things.

Seeing Him

I was headed to the side door of the lobby of our main apartment building when I saw him pass by outside the door at one end of a cart that had a wooden stand (maybe the one my Dad made) and a large TV on top of it with her at the other end of the cart.  After they passed, I stepped out the door and without hesitation turned the direction they had come from without looking their direction.  He was walking backwards with the cart so I'm sure he saw me as I stepped out although why that matters, I don't know.

My stomach dropped as I continued skirted around the back of the building with my laptop in one hand.  I had just stopped into the office to tell them about the EV charger that wasn't working and was headed to find lunch at the brewery on the other side of the complex.  My laptop was so that I could edit photos from this morning while I ate.  My photos aren't holding my attention though, not even the photos of the sweet Carolina Wren whose song calms my nervous system.

I think back to the countless moves we made together.  That was one time that we truly came together as a team.  I suppose it was the novelty and anticipation of the novelty that made us and the mundane that broke us.  Or maybe more accurately, it was in the moments we were pursuing novelty that I had his greatest attention and in the mundane moments that I lost it.

And then I wondered if he was actually moving out or if this was just moving a few things.  The timing is off for his lease so if he is moving out, I expect it is coming at a cost.  If that is what is going on and he is moving in with her, she is a fool.  There is no way she knows enough about him in six months to make a decision like this.  Or maybe somebody just got a new TV for Christmas.

Earlier this month, I realized I had been checking his Instagram page too often.  It wasn't healthy so I stopped.  I don't know what I was looking for.  I told myself I kept hoping to see this new relationship fail.  I don't want her to experience what I did.  And although I don't believe in revenge, I wish he would experience some of the consequences from his own actions.  I wish I didn't still feel just a little bit stuck despite all the ways I have moved forward (and continue to move forward).  I wish he hadn't had so much power in making me doubt myself.  I wish that as I have taken my power back, I wouldn't keep finding strings that still lead to him.

As much as I try to cut every string I find, the finality of holding the last string in my hands with a scissors is unsettling.  And one (or both) of us moving out of this complex feels like one of the last strings.  If this isn't him moving out that I saw, my own opportunity to move out could be coming soon.

Maybe the Carolina Wrens this morning were intentionally so vocal to drown out the tens of thousands of cranes to make sure they captured my attention and fed a calm into my nervous system in advance of this chance encounter.  Maybe I could pick out the songs of the chickadees to remind myself of their companionship for so many years in Wisconsin when they soothed my soul.  Maybe that tree I climbed was the grounding I needed to face today.

What a great Christmas!

Last year on Christmas Day, I intentionally lost myself in an effort to find myself again.  It was an experience like nothing I had ever experienced before that I have carried with me this past year.  Although words are inadequate, I tried to describe the adventure in this post last year.

That whole trip stuck with me.  I remember the Christmas lights walk I took and jumping at some wildlife that made noise in the bushes just off the path.  I remember laying on the pavement to capture the outline of a palm tree and the stars beyond with my phone.  I remember climbing over and under driftwood on St. Andrew's Beach to find just the right spot to watch the sunset and then realizing the tide was still coming up and would make my trek back a bit more challenging.  I remember the early morning fog on Driftwood Beach and feeling the cold water rush over my feet as I tried to capture the movement with my camera.  And I remember how I set out on my scooter with the intention of losing myself as I describe in the linked post.  

That trip was one of the most powerful things I did for my healing.  So I'm really enjoying re-reading my social media memories and blog posts from that time.  I admire how bold I was.

There was no way I could repeat that experience with the same magic this year and I didn't need to.  I'm in a different place now.  I was ready to make my own Christmas at home.  So after a beautiful Christmas Eve which I wrote about yesterday, this morning started early with a cup of hot coffee as I watched the fog lift as night became day.  I put on a playlist of piano Christmas music and admired the blooms on my Christmas cactus.

Around lunch time, I opened a bottle of champagne and sipped as I read and wrote and enjoyed the breeze coming in my open patio door.  I talked to my parents in the afternoon and then I put on a movie and turned on the Christmas lights and curled up under a quilt my Grandma had made.

It was such a wonderful Christmas.  And tomorrow I'm going to go find the cranes.  This week's crane count at the wildlife refuge north of me was 22,000 Sandhill Cranes and 18 Whooping Cranes plus another 21,000 ducks.

Fruit Flies

Some fruit flies found their way into my apartment.  Sure, they are a little annoying especially when they try to drink my wine.  But you know what I don't miss?  The abrupt way my ex-husband would try to attack them with a fly swatter right in front of me with no warning at all, making me flinch.  And the complaining when his attempts to get rid of them didn't work.

I put out a couple shallow bowls of apple cider vinegar with a little bit of dish soap and then I ignored them and slowly they are drowning themselves in the vinegar which makes me feel a little bad but I have peace.

I don't have a fly swatter nor do I ever want to own one again.

My first girlfriend

I'm finding it fascinating to read these old journal entries and as I continue into the entries of that first year together with my now ex-husband, I am intrigued at how often I mention my first girlfriend in those days and how frequently I still communicated with her.  So I took a break from continuing on into the fall of 2002 and went back further in time to 2001 when I dated her.

I was already dating her for a couple weeks when my journal entries start in mid-July of 2001 so I don't have a contemporaneous record of how that relationship started.  As you will see, I also have no contemporaneous record of how it ended but there is quite a bit from the middle.

I started that summer of 2001 seeing a therapist and trying anti-depressants again.  I had always believed my mental health treatment was just in high school.  But there are references in later posts to the fact that I came back home for the summer after my freshman year of college very depressed and sleeping all the time and so I sought treatment.  I wish I could find a journal from my freshman year of college.  I had thought it was a really good year but if I came home that depressed at the end of it that probably isn't a fully accurate picture of the year.  

I include this information about my depression to give some context to the mindset I was in when I met her.

Right at the very beginning of dating my now ex-husband, I did reminisce a bit about how I connected with my first girlfriend and got encouragement to continue not shaving my legs.  So you may have seen that reference in this post.  My sister and her boyfriend (now husband) were the ones who invited me to join them and her at a park.

When I read my entries from the summer of 2001, there is an intensity to how quickly I decided I loved her and expressed those feelings which isn't all that unlike the intensity my ex-husband demonstrated in the beginning.  The big difference though is that there wasn't the same future talk.  She and I weren't thinking all that much beyond the next date although as the summer got closer to the end, I did express some uncertainty at leaving in the fall.  She always waved off those concerns as something we'll figure out when the time comes.

The way I describe her, I get the feeling she was the grounded one in our relationship.  She slowed me down.  And she communicated very clearly about what she did and did not want.  She was consistent even when I wasn't.  You can see some of my avoidance tendencies coming out in some of these entries.  Note, she was a friend on this platform (she is the one who introduced me to it) and so could read any entries that I didn't mark private and that is why it sometimes looks like I'm writing directly to her.

July 31, 2001

A special note to my girlfriend. I'm sorry I've been a little distant lately. I just need a little time to myself. I don't know if I am going to be able to see you before you leave. But I'll try to call or something tomorrow. I love you.

August 2, 2001

My mind has been on my girlfriend all day. I just don't get it. Someone thinks I'm absolutely wonderful. Someone who believes I'm worthy enough to spend every minute possible with. Someone who not only notices but also worries when I disappear for even just one day. Someone who has brought out the best in me. I've never felt better about who I am. Someone who I am always happy around or at least comfortable and relaxed.

Yet through it all, I doubt. I doubt that I could possibly know what love is. I doubt that anyone could love me like that. I doubt that any of this really could be real. I doubt whether I can love her as deeply as she loves me.

I don't want to screw up what could be the best thing that happened to me my entire life, but I can't seem to eliminate these doubts. I don't understand where they are coming from.

It's interesting that with my ex-husband I also doubted whether I could ever love me as much as he loved me when in reality my perceptions of love didn't quite match reality.  I wasn't giving myself enough credit and I was giving him too much credit.  I wonder if some of that was true here with my first girlfriend, not that she was like my ex-husband but more that maybe I was inflating an early love that needed time to grow.

August 20, 2001

My girl is so frustrated that I can't even trust her, just like that. I'm beyond upset with myself. How could I let all this happen? Or better yet, how could I have not let this happen? I knew damn well I wasn't ready, yet where would I be if this all hadn't happened?

As an unrelated side note, this entry from August 22, 2001 is a bit ironic considering I married a man obsessed with cars who put them above people and relationships.  I wrote this almost a year before I met him.

What is with people and things? I have a tough time understanding why "things" are so important, for instance a car. I always respect and take care of things but I don't put them above people, relationships, love, life...etc.

But back to my first girlfriend, when I returned to my dorm room in college for the fall semester, I wrote about feeling like it was home and so good to be back.  It's fascinating that two summers in a row, I go back to college after an intense romantic relationship and although I miss each of them, I feel more at home away from them.  And I should add that both summers leading up to a new school year were filled with new roommate drama - homophobic potential roommates who refused to room with me, which makes it even odder that I would view this as "home".   It's like I felt a relief from my emotions.  I'll write more about that returning to college in 2002, the year I met my ex-husband in a part 3 post about the red flags I missed.

Something that strikes me as very odd is that I never wrote about the breakup with my first girlfriend.  There are entries more than six months after it happened where I reference it and even wonder if I made the right decision in breaking up with her.  And there is a reference in late October to the breakup being the first in a series of struggles as I spiraled downward.  But in September of 2001, there isn't a single reference to breaking up.  I only know it happened that month because on September 29, 2001, I write, "I'm stepping out on a limb today. In an hour and a half a girl I met online is picking me up."  I went on two dates with this woman I met online.  And then on October 7, I write that  "I love the fact that I can still be friends with my ex-girlfriend. I will always love her as a friend."

One thing that is very clear is that this relationship with this first girlfriend really brought me out of my shell and helped me drop some of the masks that I had worn for so many years.  This was my first chance at really stepping into me fully and I loved the freedom of just being me and learning how not to worry about who would or wouldn't accept me.  Although I still retreated back to wearing masks often and internally agonized over my identity and the way friendships changed.  At one point I wrote about how the masks melded into the real me to create a new me.

There was a sense of joy that had been missing, an optimism that had replaced so much pessimism.  And there was a messiness as I struggled with the collision of my identity with religion, society, family, etc. that continued into 2002 - I wrote a little about this earlier this week.

I got a good laugh when I read that on September 9, 2001, I made lasagna for my whole dorm wing.  I invested so much energy in that many people at once, many of them people I didn't really know yet.  And I got so much out of it.  I wrote,  "I met so many people. I was a social butterfly. So far from how I usually act. It was close to one when I finally got back to my room."  Maybe there always has been a very social piece to me that has just been buried more often than not as my energy has been re-directed elsewhere.

Christmas Eve

I put on a sparkly red dress that made me feel beautiful.  The weather was so mild, I left my legs bare and left my jacket behind.  This afternoon, I walked over to the Greek restaurant next door for chocolate cake and wine before they closed early.  This evening I walked to church for one last choir rehearsal before this evening's candlelight service that was such a magical, beautiful experience.  The smiles, the songs, the hugs, the greetings, the message - they all filled me with so much love.

And then as I walked home, I reflected on the experience tonight compared to the experiences I've been reading about in my journal from over twenty years ago.  That was a time I was struggling so much with gender expression and sexual orientation and those struggles collided with the beliefs of the church, so much of society, and even many in my family.  I remember the lack of welcome from the youth group, the more open conversations with my Pastor as a teen, the day I washed the ash cross off my forehead and completely walked away from the protestant church, the religious potential roommate who refused to room with me because her faith didn't believe in gays, the family members that ridiculed and harassed me, etc.

And then I looked down at my bare, hairy legs proudly displayed in my knee length red dress and how not a single person hesitated to greet or hug me.  They didn't care how I expressed my gender.  They cared about who I am as a person.  And I replayed the words in my head of my pastor who emphasized that ALL are welcome and that ALL are loved without conditions.  And I smiled at the talent of my openly gay choir director and at the diversity I witnessed in the pews.

So much of the world may be regressing back to so much of the views from over twenty years ago but there are places like this that welcome me with open arms.  And I'm so grateful I found one of them.  

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays!  However you celebrate, may you find love there.

Hairy Legs in 2002 paired with a feminine short white dress

Reading my LiveJournal from 2002 not only is helping me seeing the beginning of my relationship through clearer eyes but it also is reminding me of who I am and this current journey I'm on to reconnect with that woman.  It's walking me through my mindset as I leaned into and developed my identity.  There's power in understanding who I was before my marriage shrunk and altered me so that I can find the road back to that person.

And I was an introspective, insightful, intentional person back then.  I struggled as I navigated the collision of religion, self, family, and society.  And I worry that narrowing it down to that year is dismissive of all the years before that where my beliefs, attitudes, and values were building but that just happens to be the year I am reviewing.  And it's a good year to pick, not only because it helps understand the beginning of the relationship to the man I would marry but also because it was a year where I really came into my own starting with a semester in Spain before I ever met him.

All that said, I want to share this entry in its entirety from June 8, 2002, about three weeks before I met my now ex-husband.   I think it speaks for itself so I'm not going to add anymore commentary.  

Can I scream?

If they can't handle a little hairy legs on a girl. And they have to point out that "Steve" (say it with a degrading tone) is gay even though that has nothing to do with the conversation or what they want to say about him, then they sure couldn't support me in any of the life God has dealt me.

I get down on myself so often about how weak my faith is. I keep thinking about how much I used to believe in God and how important it used to be to me. And even though the faith has fallen I've still continued to feel like it should be so important to me. But you know after the weekend I've had so far I understand why my faith has fallen. I am human. And after all the spiritual abuse I've gotten, why the hell would anyone want to return back to the church. You might say there is no reason I need to return to the church to practice my faith yet at the same time my faith can't be solitary. It needs to be with other Christians, praying, learning, and working together and for/from each other.

And I refuse to believe that I'm misguided about what God wants for me because I've never felt a stronger pull in one direction before. My life was a living hell before I accepted who I was, I was in the deepest depression and wanted to kill myself. And I even tried to work on it and pull myself out of it. But only found a little success that ended in complete failure in the end. But since I've accepted me for me, accepted that God wants me to love other women, I haven't dealt with even the slightest depression. That has to be saying something.

And for those of you who don't know I've been dealing with a lot of gender issues lately (well, not just lately but finally I've started dealing with them). For lack of a better term I've loosely used transgendered. But when I state that label I really mean it loosely. I cross gender lines any chance that I get. I feel more comfortable acting the part of a male. I do not shave my legs because I feel women shouldn't have to if they don't want to yet every once in a while I still wear dresses and short skirts. I don't think I would ever want to change my sex, yet I don't fit the label "woman". Partially because I just don't think I would be happy as a true man and partially because I don't know that God would want me to change the body that he made (not that I'm really sure on where my beliefs fit in with transgendered issues).

Anyways, I should get on with the events of today, I really don't know at what second my peace and privacy will disappear as my cousin finds me.

Today was my sister's high school graduation so I thought I would wear a cute white dress for it, clearly with no intention of shaving my legs (I haven't shaved in a year and a half or so, why would I start now?). My little cousins commented on it as I expected. One thought it was the grossest thing ever and that girls need to shave their legs (10yrs. old). The others just looked at me funny but in the end didn't really seem to care. But the comments from the adults kept coming and not just about that but other things, like..."girls should marry boys" (said to my littlest cousin by my aunt) and then there was my Grandma who stopped me and told me that I'm "going to shave those legs". After about ten minutes of telling her no and trying to explain someone somehow interrupted us and it ended. She told me that "You are just trying to be different but you're not THAT different" along with a million other things, nothing with really any case. Then there was the Steve story that my aunt told. It was the worst thing that Steve was gay yet he was the funniest guy and he would probably take my cousins around New York when they were there on business. It just kind of bugged me so I came up here.

Now, no one officially knows that I'm a lesbian (at least not that I'm aware of). One family (the one with the Steve story) has met my ex-girlfriend and I thought we had made it pretty obvious that we were involved although I'm not sure they caught on. Oh, and I did tell two of my cousins (the kids of the family that met my ex-girlfriend including the "eww gross" 10 yr. old). My policy so far has been I'm not hiding it from them but if I would ever be asked or it came up in conversation I wouldn't hesitate to say anything. But when you live ten hours from them the opportunities often never come up.

Anyways, I wanted to pull out my double female earings and even my "Let's get one thing straight I'm not" shirt and anything else I could think of but I didn't. My parents would have considered it flashing it around. And I think all of that is what prompted me to pull out a shorter cutsy dress to match my lovely hairy legs.

I just want them to open their minds a little, think outside of the box. I want them to realize that people don't come in a set box. That they come in so many different shapes, sizes, and that they love different people. I wanted them to see that we don't need to follow the boxes that society tries to shove us into. I don't think I was very successful. But if nothing else maybe I got them thinking. Who I could, I tried to explain that not shaving my legs wasn't something just to show that I was weird or something because it's not. I don't know. All I can do is pray.

What Red Flags Did I Miss? Part 2 - That first summer

Spoiler alert - as I re-read my journal entries from this early time period, I am realizing that this period was far more turbulent than I had convinced myself of.  I was far more unsettled about him than I wanted to remember.  

July 16, we both had the day off and drove to the Dells.  I'm pretty sure all of our dates up to that point had been after I got out of my late shift at the deli so this would have been our first full day daytime date.  I drove.  I had gotten permission to use my parents' nice van - my parents had three vehicles that the four of us shared that summer.  I usually drove the old brown van.  It's funny that I didn't write about what we did in the Dells nor do I have any recollection of that but I made a point to write down the fact that I drove.  Being so proud of his car and the fact that he had his own car while I shared one with family, I wonder why he didn't insist he drive.  I doubt I would have pushed back at all on that.

I'm curious when I first witnessed his aggressive driving.  I doubt it was by this point as all of our dates were very late at night, very local, and most of the time I just went to his house or he came to mine.  And then this first mini road trip date, I drove.  In hindsight, his driving (whenever I finally witnessed it) should have been the clearest flag.  It demonstrated such a strong sense of entitlement wrapped in an inability to regulate emotions in a clear way.  But maybe I didn't really get a chance to witness it until we moved to the same city together over a year after being together.

July 22, his Mom started working in the deli with me.  Why did she apply there?  Why did I not find that incredibly weird at the time?  Of all the places for her to look for a job, why would she look to get one with her son's new girlfriend and in the department across from where her son works?  In hindsight, this is really weird.  And maybe the reason I didn't think anything of it at the time was because she was performing as this loving, caring, ideal mother that I would later learn was not representative of who she is.

Let me pause a moment to appreciate the high speed, wireless internet I enjoy while writing this blog post.  My journal entries are filled with comments about tying up the phone line with the dialup internet we had at the time and missing calls when I forgot to log off after a late night internet session.  How the times have changed!

Continuing on in my journal entries, on July 26, I write:

I wasn't quite myself last night either. A piece of my past resurfaced as it does every once in a while. The last year it's resurfaced less and less and I guess I had kind of hoped that it would just stop haunting me.

Although I need it like the oxygen I breathe I have this huge fear of getting too close to someone. I want to be loved, I need to be loved...but I always think, "what will happen when that love stops coming?" and "what if I can't love them like they deserve to be loved?" "what if I'm just being a selfish bitch thinking I actually deserve love?"

You know how we all kind of paint a picture of how we think the future will be? My picture didn't include anyone for quite some time. It was of just me in a small apartment after college in some city like the Twin Cities, teaching, making a difference in inner city kids' lives and maybe spending a semester or year teaching in an underdeveloped country like through the Peace Corps or something. I like my independence...I thrive off of my independence. And then when I finally did settle down, I guess I kind of pictured settling down with a girl.

And then I met this incredible guy a little over three weeks ago. For some crazy reason I sparked his interest from the moment he saw me. And then even after thinking I had prepared for the moment he would ask me out, I still stumbled scared to death. It was this moment of everything I had ever come to understand didn't make any sense anymore. 

But he loves me, even after knowing my past and learning how queer I may be

Why only three weeks in am I so convinced he already loves me?  And in other posts,  go on and on about how I'm falling in love with him.  Why have I let this man get under my skin so deeply in such a short amount of time?  I was so insecure and he was so attentive and reassuring that I think it was easy to ignore the unsettling feelings I had on top of my normal insecurities.

July 29, I started a second job.  Up until that point, I was working the 1:30pm-10pm shift at the grocery store five days a week and dating my ex-husband most nights after work.  Starting July 29, I added a four hour shift every week day morning at my Dad's work.  So 8-12 office job, 1:30-10 deli, 10-2am+ date night with two mornings and two afternoons off a week (rarely did those mornings and afternoons off land on the same day).  

Just a note, if this second job had come through at the beginning of the summer like I had initially hoped, I never would have met my ex-husband because I never would have gone looking for a job at the grocery store.

Some interesting concepts come through in the posts of late July and early August.  I'm exhausted living off far too little sleep.  I started drinking coffee sometimes as many as four cups a day and then would often take Benadryl to try and sleep at night.  At some point, I discovered Vivarin caffeine pills.  I am incredibly emotional and I seem to share those emotions with him frequently and he responds with charming words and reassurance.  

I am disorganized in a way that is not at all characteristic of me.  One morning my sister found my keys on the bathroom floor.  On another day, I misplaced some important financial documents.  And at times I express just a little jealousy towards my sister who was dating the man she eventually married.  At one point, I wrote, "Last night my sis's boy made her a candle lit dinner and gave her a dozen rozes. I swear this guy has a standing order with the florist! Any way, she is really floating around because of it."

I also realize as I continue to read posts from the summer that I never met any friends of his.  He met mine.  In those years, I used to do a summer end BBQ with my friends and my sister's friends plus there were other times my friends were around.  I was also in regular contact with my friends by phone, IM, LiveJournal, etc. but I don't think he was having any regular contact with any friends of his.  In hindsight, that should have been concerning.  That should have been my warning that I would be expected to be his everything.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't write so cryptically.  I have a lot of posts like this where I was feeling unsettled or uncertain but don't elaborate on why or what might be the cause.  In this post from August 6, was I already disassociating?  

I had a strange feeling today...

I realized that for the first time in my life I was remembering the good times while forgetting about the bad times.

I guess it takes a little wake up call to put you back in reality. Who the fuck am I kidding? How can I be so blind?

Even though I should be tired I'm not. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and then I walked like 5 miles in the park this evening. But thoughts are just flying through my mind.... So many doubts are overwhelming me.... So much that just doesn't make sense....

I wish I could talk to someone.... I wish I knew how to express how I feel.... I wish I understood why there is a credit card slip on my desk that doesn't seem to match anything....

I just want to reflect on this from August 19, 2002:

You know what I just realized? (Yes I know I'm thinking too much) I have trouble just following my heart. I try and rationalize everything...try to make sense of it....when matters of the heart can't be rationalized or made sense of. I am strange. I have the brain of a 
mathematician but with the creativeness and eccentricness of an artist. That's an interesting combination. But we already knew I was a bit unique.

 Was I over-compensating with my ex-husband for what I felt was an over-rationalization of so much in my life up to that point?

At some point in late July/early August, my ex-girlfriend started working at the grocery store with me as well.  That added another level of awkwardness in working with his mom.

In August, we went out on his parents' boat a number of times and he would point out different houses on the lake where his parents lived and talk about what kind of house we would want.  It felt fast to me at the time to be talking about buying a home together when we had only been together for less than two months and were college students.  And he seemed to always push for something bigger and more grandiose and I would counter with a desire for a small home.  Fast forward a lot of years, I wonder how much more money he would have spent on stuff if it hadn't been for my practical influence.

August 26

He scares the shit out of me though. He's already talked about buying a house someday and I know whether he wants kids or not and why. He drops his friends for me! I'm sorry, I couldn't be any happier, I couldn't have anyone better care about me yet I'm sitting here stressing about all of this.

Then in late August, I move back to Eau Claire to start another school year and he headed off to his college.  That was the first year my parents let me take a vehicle to college and so we made plans to see each other every other weekend taking turns driving the four hour drive to each other.

What Red Flags Did I Miss? Part 1 - The first week

I want to walk myself through everything I missed in the very beginning so that if I ever get ready to date again I don't fall into those same pitfalls again.  So I've opened my live journal.  With hindsight, here are the things that feel off when I re-read.  This is going to be a several part series of blog posts.

Somewhere around June 27, 2002, he asked me if I wanted to buy a watermelon.  I would laugh for years about how corny that pick up line was.  He worked in produce and I worked in the deli.  From that point, he watched my break timing closely and would show up in the break area every time I went on break.  

July 2 was the day he asked for my number at work and also our first date (after work).  For someone who claimed to have never dated anyone before, he had more confidence than I would expect.  And he just assumed there would be a second date.  The day of, I wrote that I was skeptical about it all.  In posts a couple months later, I expressed concern that he had just assumed there would be a second date so I don't think this sat well with me.

Fun side note, on this day I write about the story of how I openly stopped shaving my legs, something I had completely forgotten.  The summer before I got lazy shaving my legs and was mostly wearing pants anyway.  Then my sister and her boyfriend invited me to join them and one of her friends (the girl who would become my first girlfriend) at a park.  In my rush to join them, I just threw on shorts, not even thinking about the fact that my legs were incredibly hairy.  And this first girlfriend of mine accepted me, hairy legs and all!  So the unintentional not shaving became intentional not shaving (until at some point in my marriage, I felt the need to shave again).

Back to the beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband, we went out again that very next night (July 3), mini-golfing.  I'm pretty sure that is the night he introduced me to his car and emphasized how he expected me to be careful with it.  I didn't write about that though so I could be wrong on the exact timing of that.  I just am pretty sure that conversation happened after dark in the parking lot of that mini-golf course.

But this is what I did write after that date:

I am and have been searching for every little flaw in [ex-husband] and whatever relationship he appears to be pursueing. I think I'm having a small committment problem. Or maybe I just don't want commitment right now! I like hanging out with him. But when he makes comments about the rest of the summer and how he wants to see me again TOMORROW I get all squimish have to swallow my stomach again.

.......

I just feel like crawling up into a little ball in the corner and crying.

Who am I kidding?

And then a couple of hours later, "Can I go back to Eau Claire now?"  This was after just two dates.  I had known this man for less than a week and my stomach was trying to send me signals that it wasn't right.  I didn't trust my gut when I should have.

The next night was July 4 and his entire family was gathering at his parents' house and lighting off fireworks in the backyard.  When I arrived, he wasn't at the front door to greet me.  I remember ringing the doorbell and awkwardly introducing myself to whoever answered this door, maybe his Aunt?  I don't remember.  I didn't write much about this night but I remember feeling so put off that he wasn't there to greet me and help navigate his family.  I eventually made it to the backyard and found him with the fireworks.  I also remember feeling uncomfortable that they were lighting off fireworks in a neighborhood.  This is date three, three nights in a row.

The next night was his brother's wedding and he invited so I panicked about finding a dress to wear and then wrote about enjoying dancing with him.  It was a fancy sit-down wedding reception at a nice hotel in town.  As I write this today, I wonder if I was an imposition on the bride and groom as a last minute guest.  That was the fourth night in a row we dated.

July 6, I had a night away from him because my Mom had bought her and I tickets to see Kenny Chesney at Summerfest.

It appears I went out with July 7 although I didn't really write anything about it.  July 8 I went straight home after work to find my ex-girlfriend at my house hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend.  I think I still had some feelings for her at the time.  This is what I wrote:

Then I pull in the driveway (not too long after it had started pouring) and I thought I saw three heads in the living room (I only expected my sis and maybe her boyfriend to be there and up). And not too long after I walk in the door there is [ex-girlfriend]! God I love that girl! I really miss the time we used to spend together. And then of course she needed a ride home and she was already late getting home because she had decided to wait for me so I set out once again in the pouring rain. Fortunately this time the rain stopped before we got there.

I am different when I'm with her. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I know I am the real me with her but at the same time I know that I am the real me with a few other people. I guess so I'm not quite sure what's different.

I don't think she realized that she couldn't have picked a better night to surprise me. I almost bought the "Just Smile Bouqet" after work today but it didn't seem right with me going out with [ex-husband] and I didn't have a clue when I would see her again. Who am I going to buy flowers for anymore?

He then bought me a one week present.  I didn't write what he gave me or recall what it was.  I didn't mention getting him anything.

In hindsight, this was quite a whirlwind of a week!  We had five dates in those first seven days and he was already talking about the rest of the summer together.  I had already experienced uncomfortable moments multiple times - the assumption of a second date, the conversation about how important his car was, the lack of greeting me at his parents' house and the fireworks he participated in, and physical feelings of unease.  And there was an internal battle inside of me between rational thought, emotions, and doubts from my past.  

AI and LLMs

This blog has seen a huge increase in views in the last two weeks or so, primarily direct from Singapore.  A quick Google search brings up many results of others seeing the same increase from both Singapore and China and the consensus is that the most likely cause is the huge data centers recently built in those countries that now have AI crawlers building their LLMs.  

I'm not an expert in the topics I write about.  This blog is my personal experiences that sometimes include mental health topics.  I don't think it contains any outright bad information but it isn't a source people should be turning to for more serious answers.  And who knows how it could be used if individual phrases and posts are taken out of context.  

Furthermore, if my blog is being fed into AI, imagine how many other blogs and websites some with outright bad information are also being crawled and fed into AI.  And more and more people are turning to AI for mental health assistance (and everything else).

I think back to when AI first was starting to be introduced last year, there was a humorous example that highlighted the dangers of trusting information gained from AI.  Googling "how to get cheese to stay on the pizza" suggested adding Elmer's glue to the sauce.  That blatant example has been cleaned up because it got so much publicity but there aren't humans checking the work AI does and it frequently hallucinates.

Another issue is that it is essentially stealing my writing.  I don't have as much of an anger about that on a personal level because I write for me and have no intention of making money off my writing.  But it bothers me on a global level for writers all over.  Our society is a better place because of the creative minds among us.

And I don’t even want to get into the resources issue.

So I’m a bit bothered to see what looks like AI crawlers on my blog.

The Longest Night of the Year

The Winter Solstice is upon us, the longest night of the year when the Earth's axis is tilted the furthest away from the Sun.  Some ancient cultures believed this was the death and rebirth of the Sun.  As I watch the cyclical nature of life, of night and day, of growth, etc., the idea that today represents the death and rebirth of the Sun really speaks to me.

My church has an annual evening service around this time of year to mark this day.  Last year, tears flowed down my face in the sanctuary lit only by candles and Christmas lights as I sat alone in the darkness of my grief.  I hadn't been back long from a trip to southern Florida with my parents and so from the high of that trip hadn't expected the grief the service would bring.  As hard as that night was, it was exactly the place I needed to be then.

This year, I sat with friends and then enjoyed the community of a bonfire afterwards in the courtyard.  My soul was moved through the music played by a group of string players and the vocalist of our contemporary band, I mediated on the cry to God from a cave that Daniel wrote in his darkest moments in Psalm 142, and I leaned into a message of the turning point to come.

I've sat through the darkness.  I've grown from the darkness.  And although I know life will cycle back to the darkness from time to time, I feel like it's my time to step into the light.

What else did he distort?

In thinking about how distorted my ex-husband's view was of our relationship as it went bad in his eyes, it made me wonder how much he did the same with other relationships and whether the stories he told me were as accurate as I had once thought.

One story that stands out was this woman at his first professional job.  I think she was in some sort of mentor role to him.  According to him, she was a "witch" who he found ways to blame for his struggles.  She wasn't clear.  She wouldn't help him or answer his questions.  She was demanding.  She expected him to work too fast.  She was mean.  

And then at one of the company picnics, I met another co-worker of his and her husband.  We got to know this couple fairly well and would socialize with them from time to time even outside work events.  What stands out most about our interactions with them was the way the husband and I would just roll our eyes and turn to our own conversation every time the two of them would go on and on about how awful this "witch" was.  They even had really mean jokes about things like her riding a broomstick.  It seemed every time we met with this couple, they focused on this woman for far more than they should have.  If the husband hadn't been there to talk about other things, the gatherings would have been extremely painful and uncomfortable to sit through.

This was in the first couple years of my marriage and so I didn't even consider that my ex-husband could have been distorting things.  Plus, the fact that another co-worker seemed to back him up, I thought gave credibility to what he was saying.  But maybe my ex-husband just gravitated towards the one person who had her own reasons for not liking this woman and thus was a source of the validation he craved.  I imagine he liked having someone who would help him avoid accountability by shifting the blame.  Just maybe, this woman who they called a "witch" wasn't the toxic one and instead it was the ones who hated her - my ex-husband and his co-worker.  From what I could tell from work gatherings I attended, she seemed to be well liked by everyone else in the company.

I wonder what version of that story he told in interviews when he had to job search after losing that job.

Sometimes I wonder what version of the story of our marriage and divorce he is telling others.  I mean it doesn't really matter to me.  It's more a curiosity at how he might be twisting it to fit what he wants from whoever he is telling the story to.  I wouldn't be surprised if the new girlfriend got a different version than his mom got which was probably still different than the one he told some of his old co-workers.  His barber used to tell him how lucky he was to have me, I wonder what story he told his barber!  

I realize now that he tells people what they want to hear so that he can get the validation, admiration, etc. that he craves.

Proof I've come out of my shell

I walked into my favorite Greek restaurant today for a late lunch and drinks.  Before I even got to my table, I was first sidelined by the bartender wanting to know how my recent cruise was and then my waitress greeted me as her "favorite free person."  I had chatted with the bartender in early November the day I stopped in for chocolate cake and wine.  My waitress had been the one to serve my table in September, the night I celebrated with friends one year since moving out of the apartment I had shared with my ex-husband.

I sat down with a smile on my face confident going out to lunch was exactly what I needed to do today.  It felt amazing to be seen and remembered.  But what stood out to me even more was the fact that it represented how I have been putting myself out there over the last year or more.  These two individuals never would have remembered me if I hadn't embraced earlier interactions with them.  The old me wouldn't even have talked to them in the first place (beyond placing my order)!

So how did I lean into the moment?  I shared with my waitress how the experience affected me.  She wrote a lovely message on my receipt that said "Rebecca!  Thank you!  You are a wonderful person, and I can tell you deserve the world.  Merry Christmas Angel!"

And then before I left, I stopped at the bar and chatted casually a few minutes with the bartender.  I'll look for them both next time I stop in.

AI

I was on Instagram looking for some music to add to a short cruise related reel I wanted to post this morning when I found a song that made me stop completely as I listened in because of how the lyrics spoke to me.

So setting aside the reel I was working on, I opened my folder of 2025 highlights and more than hour disappeared as I started to put together a year in review reel using that song.  I was so excited for how the reel was turning out.

And then something made me look up the artist because it was one I had never heard of before, only to discover it is completely AI generated.  And now I'm just disgusted.

As someone who deeply values the creative work of others and strives to be mindful of the natural resources I use, I can't support generative AI.  It is based on stolen work.  It demands an insane amount of electricity and water to create.  And the more we as humans depend on AI to think for us, the less we will be able to think for ourselves.

It bothers me greatly how social media and the internet is getting flooded with this shit without any checks or controls.  I can't even trust the content I consume anymore unless it is an account I know well, and even then I have to be careful.

So I'm angry I was fooled temporarily but it will teach me in the future to look up artists before I get too involved in using a new song.  

That said, I really had a beautiful 2025.  And when I find the right song, this year's year in review reel may top any other year in review I have ever done.