My Truth

I've asked myself many times how I could feel it was a good marriage when he says he has been unhappy for so long, when in hindsight it is now clear to me that he had not been investing in the relationship for a very long time.  Shouldn't I have felt the disconnect?  Shouldn't I have felt and/or been bothered by the imbalance?

One thing I have learned about myself that I think speaks to this question is that there was an imbalance in what we were looking to get out of the relationship.  I just don't need much especially as I evolved and matured over the years.  I know how to find my happiness from within.  I know my worth and don't need a lot of outside validation and don't need someone to agree with my opinions to feel secure in what I believe.  And I'm an independent woman who can take care of myself.  

So I wasn't looking for a partner to fill needs like these.  I wanted to partner for companionship.  I wanted a partner to enjoy life with.  I wanted a partner to dream with and build a future with.  I didn't need a partner for my day to day life.  And these more general wants my ex-husband could provide consistently enough without a lot of effort.  

My ex-husband looked to me to fill a lot more needs - validation, feelings of worthiness, help regulating his emotions, etc.  And I could fill a lot of these needs to a certain extent, well enough that I thought I was giving him what I needed.  I just didn't realize (because of his conflict avoidance) how deep his insecurities were and how much more he needed - more than any human could give him.

So from my view and not realizing how silent he was staying, I felt I was getting my needs met and I felt I was meeting enough of his needs.  And because of how much I loved him, the effort I put into meeting his needs didn't feel like work.  It just felt like meeting the man I loved where he was.  

Where does that leave me?  I think it helps me focus on the fact that the marriage was very real to me.  My love for him was very real.  In the midst of all the doubt about which parts coming from him were real, I can feel secure in the fact that my half was real.  And maybe that's all that matters.

The end of a long-term relationship can bring a lot of self-doubt and questions about whether one did enough or whether one should have seen certain signs or even the accuracy of perception.  And I do have some of those doubts and questions.  But I think clarity comes from focusing on what I know to be true and real instead of focusing on what I don't understand about his half of the equation.