I knew of the imbalance before I married him.

Based on re-reading online posts from that time period, I now realize that I knew of the imbalance in our relationship before I married him.  Why did I think it would last?  How did it last 19 years (plus almost 3 years dating)?

Let me quote some of what I wrote on January 23, 2004, a year and a half before we were married but after we had gotten engaged.

"I've come to realize something today that will is very hard for me to deal with.

When I truly care about someone I give them my all. People are by far my top priorities. And so with the one I love most, the one who is number one in my life, I need to feel like nothing else could ever be more important in life. I really do need it all. Something that I'm not sure Paul will ever be able to give me at least not completely."

The post goes on to talk about how his car is more important than I am to him, although I now think that is an overly simplistic way to look at it.  

A friend responded to my online journal entry encourages me to talk to him and part of my response is:

"This is one of those things that I will never change about him and so telling him how I feel beyond the initial sense of disappointment does nothing but make him feel bad about who he is and feel unworthy which is far from the truth."

And even going back that far, I knew I had to tip-toe around issues like this to not hurt his already fragile sense of self-worth.

This relationship was doomed from the start.  He wasn't invested in it.  He didn't love himself and feel enough self-worth to be capable of investing in it.  So how did it last more than 19 years without him ever doing the work to heal himself?  

In really thinking about this, I think a really important take away is that no one can give you your worth.  You have to find it within yourself.  It didn't matter how worthy I felt he was and how much I tried to show him that, he won't believe it until he finds it from within himself.