Miscommunications

I think back over the last couple of years of my marriage.  By that time I had come to realize my now ex-husband was making assumptions that was very much coloring the way he viewed me, our relationship, and maybe even himself.  I would get glimpses of it with off-hand or vague comments he would make or times we seemed to talk past each other.  It made me start to wonder what assumptions I was making and how accurate my own assumptions were.

So I started to verbalize them more intentionally and ask for clarification.  And usually I was met with silence which often felt like confirmation of any negative assumptions I had spoken out loud.  I remember following up at times with further clarification, "Does your silence mean that what I said is true?" only to be met with more silence.  I'm trying to think of a good example but what sticks with me most was his repeated silence, not the specific things I was asking for clarification on.

The other thing that really stands out about our communication in those last years was how often he would try to tell me what I was feeling.  And most of the time he was so far off in his assumptions about what I was feeling.  And when I tried to correct him, he didn't want to listen.  He seemed to think he knew my feelings better than I knew them myself.  I spent too much energy trying to explain myself in recent years.  

It didn't actually matter the words or tone I used or the clarification questions I asked.  He didn't want to listen.  He didn't want to understand.  He had created this perception of me and our marriage in his head based on who knows what and wasn't willing to question how accurate it was.

Last summer when he clearly already had one foot out the door but hadn't yet ended it, I think I finally realized that I couldn't carry the relationship alone.  He asked if I wanted to try couple's counseling.  I told him that I was only willing to try counseling again, if he was going to go into reflecting on his part in the dynamic.  I told him I had spent years trying to fix my part and I was tired of the focus being only on me and getting no results because I couldn't solve it alone.  He (I think intentionally) misinterpreted that accusing me of being unwilling to reflect and fix my part.  In reality, I don't think he was willing to self-reflect and face his own shame or guilt.

When I think back over interactions like this I realize I should have seen this coming.  I've known the relationship was unbalanced going back years.  Maybe I thought that he wouldn't be stupid enough to run away from a relationship that was in my opinion, clearly in his favor.  

But I wonder if given just a little more time, if I would have walked away myself.  I had been continuously growing, setting more boundaries, tolerating less, etc.  Would I have reached a breaking point?  Would I have gotten tired of being constantly misinterpreted?  Would eventually these frustrating interactions have outweighed all the good times?