I have been working on a spreadsheet since the separation to try and organize all my accounts and keep track of where I still needed to change my address, name, beneficiaries, account info, etc. I can't even guess the number of hours I had spent on it. Well, with the new IOS update this weekend, it became damaged and reverted to a version more than 2 weeks old. I've done everything I can to try and recover a more recent version without any success. So now, I start over going through all my accounts to try and figure out what still needs changing and to try and recreate the work I did on the spreadsheet over the two plus weeks.
I'm just so tired. The bureaucracy of a name change is overwhelming. Trying to untangle your entire adult life from someone is so overwhelming. And I seem to be getting the short end of the stick at every turn. The spreadsheet glitch is just one example of many of cumbersome processes and setbacks. I'm just so tired. And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.
And my body is just so tired. I haven't truly slept well since sometime in May. I was up at 4:30 a.m. again this morning. I haven't had a good appetite since sometime in May. My chronic pain keeps flaring up. I'm just so tired.
It just feels so unfair that the consequences of his decisions are falling so heavily on me. And maybe what makes it worse is realizing how much I accommodated him over the years and how little he accommodated me so although I didn't truly realizing it, this imbalance has existed for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to have balance in a relationship.
What's it like to selfishly and dishonestly live your life and then just walk away while the person you claimed to love suffers the consequences? What's it like to feel relief instead of concern for the damage you have caused?
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