Finding Identity in Gender Roles

So I’m reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. And with so much time to read, write and stare at the sea right now, it’s sitting with me a bit more deeply than it might if I was reading it in the middle of the chaos of life in general.

This book really talks about the identity that women find in the roles they live out (wife, mother, daughter) based on patriarchal values ingrained in our society. These roles are often defined by men and through thousands of years have demoted women and the roles they play to lesser roles. It really stuck with me the comparison to the environment. We view Mother Nature and our Earth as feminine which may have been at the root of how easily we destroyed her and were careless with her.

So how does this all relate to me and my divorce journey? I saw myself as someone with a good sense of self independent of being a wife or daughter. I think it has always been there to a degree instilled in my through my family values but I think I also really grew into it as I matured especially in my thirties. And I think my husband saw that strong sense of self especially as it grew stronger in the last decade and felt threatened by it.

As our marriage was breaking up, he made some comments that really made me question his views on gender and gender roles. I don’t think he is outright sexist or a misogynist but I do think he has some internalized values about gender that he may not even be fully conscious of.

Fast forward to today as I find myself in solitude with so much time to think, read, and write, and I find myself questioning my identity and how much of it was founded on my role as wife. Just because outwardly I felt a strong sense of self independently does not mean I too don’t have internalized values about gender that I am or at least was not fully conscious of. Unwrapping the intricacies of the drastic changes that come with the dissolution of a long-term marriage that covered essentially my entire adult life has shattered so many assumptions I had about myself in ways I still don’t really understand.

How would this have been different if I also carried the role of mother? The others in my divorce support group are all mothers and they all talk about how they are able to pour their attention and energy into their children, especially those with young children, as a distraction to dissolution of their marriages. Without that distraction and that continuing female role to lean on for identity am I being pushed into identity crisis faster?

How much am I leaning back on the role as daughter as I flounder in this time of uncertainty? I think it helps that my parents are many states away so I can’t easily run to their physical presence. I also think it helps the values they instilled in me early of independence even as a woman. But I still lean on them. And I’m anxious to get back to the last name that represents my relationship as daughter to them. Although the last name conundrum is really a challenge for women - which male’s last name do you want to claim as your own? Your father’s or your husband’s?