The Thermal Suite

I booked a pass to the thermal suite for this week long cruise, something I have never done before so I'm learning as I go.  It has been more than I expected, although to be honest, I didn't know what to expect.  Over a day and a half, I've already spent almost eight hours there.  Every time I go, I get a little better at slowing my mind down.

That first morning, it was more novelty than anything else as I tried to experience it all.  Last evening I went back, leaving my phone and journal behind to just be present in it all and it was a whole different experience.

The steam room keeps calling me back and so at lunch today, I tried to put into words why I was connecting so much with that experience.  I think it is because it is such a unique experience that involves all the senses and thus slows me down.  Here is a draft of the short poem I wrote.

into the darkness I enter

my eyes try to adjust

the steam suffocates

I reach for the seat and sit

I breathe deeply

heat fills my lungs

moisture drips off my nose

I exhale slowly

the warmth of the bench

the water at my feet

the dampness settling on my hair

I notice it all

my vision still cloudy

the thoughts in my mind calm

and then rest completely

I breathe

I also had a massage on embarkation evening and between that experience and my experience using the jets in the thalassotherapy pool, I have discovered that my hips are not tight anymore.  There used to be a spot on the outside of each hip that was tender just from the lightest pressure.  That pain is gone, pain that that I experienced through most of my marriage.  It was actually my shoulders the massage therapist spent the most time.  It was one more reminder of the stress that has been removed from my life, the negative impact to my nervous system that is now gone.

Sometimes I wonder how he would react if he knew the full extent to the negative impact he had on my physical and mental health.  There was a time where I thought it would break him because I didn't believe he would intentionally hurt him.  I remember him recoiling when I pointed out a specific behavior was manipulative in that last summer as it ended.  I don't remember the specific behavior but he sure put on a show about how awful it was to be perceived as manipulative.  Note, I hadn't called him manipulative, I had been speaking about a specific behavior.  Now I wonder how much of an act it all was and if he got a bit of pleasure out of seeing me hurt.

Anyway, this isn't what I want to be focusing on this trip and it honestly doesn't matter.

What matters now is that my body and mind are healing and the thermal spa has been so wonderful in slowing my brain down and sitting with the beauty of the quiet.