The process has begun. I obtained a certified copy of the divorce judgment yesterday and then immediately logged onto Social Security's website to start the application for a new card in my new name. The website encouraged me to then make an appointment to have them review a certified copy of the judgment and they had availability today over the lunch hour.
Yesterday, this felt so empowering. As I look at the long to-do list of things to do now that my divorce is final, this task felt like the most important one to me personally.
It feels a bit like a contradiction though. I didn't want this marriage to end. I truly loved my now ex-husband and was willing to work through whatever we needed to work through. I wasn't ready to throw it all away. That's not to say that now, with time and reflection, I don't realize how that just wasn't possible. Too much has happened this year that I couldn't go back. I will never look at him the same or trust him. But being in a hurry to erase his name just feels like a contradiction from all that. Or maybe I just recognize how important it is to my healing.
Earlier today I told someone that I wish I had never changed my name in the first place. And then my mind went back to all the reasons I did in the first place. There was a time where I felt proud to have his last name.
So I woke up this morning, admired the plants I had planted on my balcony last night, and got excited about this next step. And then about an hour before the appointment, the nerves took over. I don't quite understand it but I had butterflies in my stomach and I couldn't concentrate.
But I worked through the nerves, put on my shoes, and walked to the Social Security office. Twenty-five minutes later, I was headed out of there with a temporary social security card in my birth name. Next week's goal is changing my driver's license.
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