What fun!

I wasn't going to go.  But something inside of me pushed me out the door.  I don't even know how to explain it.  It's a force that has pushed me to board a train to New York City, walk over grates, take an improv class, schedule my own gatherings with new friends, and so many other things.  

Tonight, my church choir director invited everyone he knew in my city to stop in at one of his favorite bars between 5 and 8.  It was a venue I had never heard of.  I figured there would be a few church people there but I also knew he ran in a lot of other circles so it would probably be filled with people I didn't know.  And it's cold here, most people I know are trying to hibernate in this weather.  And the bar is located a mile and a half away from my home - I really didn't want to go find my car and then worry about how much I drank before driving home.  So I can't tell you how much I wanted to just brew another pot of tea, cuddle up under one of my Grandma's quilts, and stay in.

But I didn't stay in.  I put on my shoes.  I bundled up.  And at about 4:40 p.m., I pushed myself out the door.

My choir director introduced me to a few people when I arrived, I found a drink, and then I sat down with a small group from church who slowly rotated in and out over the next hour or so.  But at some point as the evening wore on, I found myself alone eating dinner from the food truck and sipping another drink for just a few moments before my choir director ushered over an interesting lesbian couple who sat down and started up a conversation with me.  A gay couple who had sat down next to me quickly got pulled into our conversation.  I quickly learned I was meeting local celebrities as I found out they were back to back queens at a local event the last two years.  I was fascinated by it all but a bit flabbergasted at how I had managed to find myself in the middle of people I had never met before!

After an experience like this, I so welcomed the walk home because so much energy had built up that I need the walk to release.  I think back to an image of me laughing out loud as I cross an intersection and continue down the sidewalk and I marvel.

What if I'm not quite so introverted?  What if I just had a husband who drained so much of my energy, I just always felt the need to hide?  If I was truly introverted, wouldn't an event like this have drained me, not built up energy?  I don't even know what to make of that.

Not at all what I expected

I said something to my therapist this week that I want to hold on to as I move into who I want to be.  I told her that my ex-husband had so many assumptions about me that were so destructive to our relationship and that I didn't want to do that same thing to anyone else.  I wanted to be careful about the assumptions I held about other people.

I had dinner with that friend who I have felt has been missing in action.  My goal was to go into this meal without assumptions but hoping to find a way to advocate for myself and understand what may have happened.  

I don't even know how to describe the conversation I had with her, it was such a foreign experience.  She listened.  She apologized.  She took accountability.  That is what she did first.  Eventually she also explained her own circumstances and limitations but I felt heard first and so these didn't feel like excuses.  She has had a rough year and a half herself, some of which I knew, some of which I didn't fully know.

She knew very little about my ex-husband and his fiancée.  She thought she had only seen him once since the divorce and had not met her nor has any plans to.  I didn't get the impression that her husband was all that in touch with them although he had met her once or maybe twice in the summer.  One of my worries that they had taken sides seems to be quite unfounded.  

But back to how the conversation went, I didn't need to over-explain.  I didn't need to anticipate the complaints she would bring up against me to try and change the subject.  I didn't leave the conversation with unresolved feelings that would be contradicted later with love-bombing.  Maybe I wasn't so much to blame for our inability to resolve any conflict in my marriage.  Maybe I had the skills in me all along and just didn't have a partner willing to meet me half-way (or even a third of the way).

I'm not saying I said everything perfectly.  But I think I demonstrated that I am capable of being direct and kind and advocating for my needs.  And I'm really glad I didn't hold onto any assumptions very tightly.

He didn't buy me flowers but I got him to buy me gas

I admire the bouquet of flowers that currently sit on my end table next to my favorite chair and I'm reminded of the fact that I had brought flowers home for myself more times within just the two months we were separated but still sharing an apartment than he bought them for me in our entire 19 year marriage.  I even remember him commenting about more flowers when he saw a bouquet in a vase on the island where I enjoyed my morning coffee.

But this post isn't really about flowers.  It's about the lengths I had to go to get him to show up for me in even small ways.  I may never have gotten him to buy me flowers but I did find a few ways to get him to occasionally show up for me.

I was tired of managing all his emotions.  I was tired of managing the logistics of our life.  I was tired of trying to subtly influence the decisions he made that affected both of us to get him to actually accept my input without hurting his ego.  And although I didn't understand the extent to which he drained me, I on some subconscious level knew I needed to pull back for my own survival and somehow get him to step up a little.

One way I did that was to get him to fill up my car.  I felt so clever especially as it kept working.  I had at least two diesel cars in a row during a time period I commuted over 60 miles round-trip daily and never once touched a diesel pump.  Whenever my car got low on fuel, I would suggest to my now ex-husband that I put some "good" (road) miles on his car by taking his to work the next day.  I knew he cared so much about his car and his commute was city miles that are harder on a vehicle.  So I wasn’t surprised when he agreed.

I felt a little guilty as I told my therapist this story because I had manipulated him to get what I wanted.  But the reality is I shouldn't have had to manipulate my husband to show up for me as a partner.  I shouldn't have needed to go to these lengths to pull him away from his self-absorption to consider me for once and to do his share of life with me.  And even in the way I did it, I bargained using something that fed into his selfish pleasures.

Another way I did that is in the shared housework.  I knew he had higher cleanliness standards than I did and so I knew he wouldn't be okay just letting it go.  So I was less quick to get to the dishes.  I didn't rush to get the bathrooms cleaned every week.  I stopped vacuuming.  Although, he didn't usually use the word, I knew he thought I was lazy and sometimes that bothered me.  Sometimes I felt guilty.  But I was so tired of all that I was carrying.

When I go back and read my journal entries, I was surprised to learn that I did almost all of the housework in that first apartment after we got engaged.  And so much of the furry of cleaning and cooking fell on me each time his parents came to visit after we were married.  I had forgotten how the imbalance had started.  So there was a time it was tipped completely against me with almost all of it on my shoulders.  

And even in my "laziest" period, although the dishes and cleaning might have been 25% me/75% him, the laundry was 90% me, the emotional labor was 90% me, the trip and social planning was 95% me, etc. on top of his expectations that I constantly admire him, validate him, and manage his emotions for him.

Interestingly in the last couple years of our marriage when I started putting boundaries around how long I would listen to his complaining, how much I would manage his emotions for him,  how much I would help him manage his mother, and how much I would tiptoe around his ego as I advocated for decisions that were in both our best interests, I started doing more dishes and cleaning.  So at every point of our marriage more disproportionately fell on me even as he looked at me as lazy, even as he demanded more, even as he blamed me in the end.  

Even coming up with an accurate valuation of our assets and debts and a fair division of them fell on me as we navigated the divorce he wanted for reasons he couldn’t bother to communicate to me.  The imbalance permeated every single phase of our marriage no matter how much I tried to pull back and set boundaries.

He's a stranger now

Twice this week, he has been just ahead of me as I arrive home after work at my apartment complex.  The first time I'm not sure he saw me.  Today though, he looked at me as I scootered down the road and then before he turned the corner around the building, he looked back at me again to see me folding up my scooter.

I think I've come a long ways.  He's become that "stranger that I once thought I knew."  There was a bit of curiosity as to why he looked back that second time but that was the extent of the emotions I felt.

And then I entered the main building to pick up my package.  I put in an Amazon order early this week, some things just for me - a new silicone ring representing the waves of the ocean, a skirt, a teapot cozy, and a toy (and a boring meat thermometer but I suppose it can't all be fun).  This was the second and last package of that order.

Life has moved on.  It's crazy to think more than a year has passed since we have talked, a year and a half since he called it quits.  It's been that long since the person who was my daily companion who told me he loved me every day became a stranger overnight.

He probably wouldn't even truly recognize me now, not that he paid that close attention to me when we were together.  I've grown, redefined, rebuilt, recentered.  I've reclaimed my own energy and poured it into myself.  And I've never felt more alive.  I think back to that late July day, just days after he asked for a divorce, when I walked in the rain that was coming down so hard it hurt my face as it fell.  I remember savoring the fact that I could finally feel.  I didn't have to shrink or minimize my emotions and experiences, although I'm not sure I fully understood this in that moment.  I just remember this feeling of being alive.

That feeling of being alive has persisted.  And it took him becoming a stranger overnight to fully appreciate it.

Layers of Grief

My (what may appear to be unusual) career path has taught me a lot about how important it is to me to do meaningful work that utilizes higher thinking skills.  Over the years, I've had jobs that tapped into one or the other but rarely have I found a job that leans into both.

So when I accepted my current job, a role I have been in for just over seven years, I was so excited to finally find one that had the potential to meet both needs.  This was my dream job.  It was a slow start as I learned on the job the skills I needed and as it took time to demonstrate the ways my team could depend on me.  

And then the pandemic hit just as we had been handed two huge cases both of which had heavy influence from the central office which is likely what pushed them forward to such good outcomes (as my local office didn't really prioritize this type of case).  Despite the challenges of suddenly switching to telework without all the technology figured out, I had a chance to really shine and make a difference.  2020 and 2021 (and I think into early 2022) were probably the years where I dd the most meaningful and high level work of my career.

And then in late 2022, when our office lost our investigator, I stepped into her responsibilities and had a chance to shine in new ways.

But then there was a change in my direct management.  I think this happened at some point in 2023, probably earlier in the year.  

And in September of 2023, there was a huge shift.  I was at home getting ready to board a train for an extra long weekend in DC.  I had taken some leave days for this trip.  As I was getting ready to leave, my manager called me to tell me he was putting a hold on the case type that was my entire role.  I was taken aback that he would call me to tell me this as I was getting ready to go on a trip and that he would do so without any real substance as to why or what his plan was going forward.  In the moment, it left me with so many doubts about the security of my job and the work I do.

When I got back from that trip and was talking to a team member who is my biggest advocate in the office, he shared with me that he had asked my manager not to call me before my trip.  He had encouraged our manager to wait until I returned.  It's not like there was anything I could do while I was on vacation and the call just left me with worries and doubts.  The fact that he went ahead and called me anyway felt so inconsiderate.

From that point on, my work became less meaningful as we were so limited on what we could do even with my team member doing his best to push the limits.  My whole team strongly disagreed with the decision and how it was handled.  Two of the three of us were funded specifically to do this work.  We were passionate about the importance of our work and worried about the loss of funding if we weren't actually furthering these types of cases along.

Then in early 2024, they posted the job for the investigator role that had been vacant for over a year, the role I had been handling along with my regular responsibilities.   I took a lot of time to update my resume, draft a cover letter, go through the lengthy application process, and then ultimately, even participate in an interview.

A couple of weeks later, we were told they had decided to not fill the position because of budget reasons.  This made my team especially concerned about the loss of funding because this role was a separately funded position that didn't come out of our office budget (similar to the funding for my position and one other person's position).  My team member who has been my biggest advocate tried hard to get some answers but the responses were always vague.  It felt like we were being lied to and gaslit.  My job felt even less meaningful at that point.  I suspect that for a number of months already, I had already been grieving the loss of the meaningful job I thought I initially had.

Then that spring of 2024, my now ex-husband traveled a lot for work, with a trip with his mom and brother thrown in, so frequently that he was away more than he was home.  I managed my job grief on my own.  Although, who I am kidding?  He wouldn't have helped me manage it even if he had been home every day that spring.  The lack of his physical presence though felt especially lonely.  

Then he came back from one of those trips in late May and told me he was questioning the marriage.  As we tried to navigate that conversation over the next month or two, I found myself trying to process his re-written story of our marriage, a web of lies, a shifting of blame onto me for things I didn't understand, and a huge incongruence with what I thought I knew to be true.  The gaslighting and lack of consideration I had been experiencing at my job now entered my home.  Or more accurately, it had always been there but I was finally noticing it.  

I remember thinking this was the worst time for him to abandon me although I'm not sure I could clearly articulate my reasons at that time for feeling that way.  But I think it was that underlying layer of grief from my job mixed with my underlying premonition of the grief that would come with the results of the upcoming election that fall.  And although, I now realize he wasn't a support to me, at the time, I was still under the illusion he had been.

Then there was the election in the fall of 2024, just a week or two after my divorce was final that resulted in drastic changes in our government starting in 2025.  With this change in our country in 2025, came devaluation of the roles my colleagues and I played and a disrespect for who we were, an exodus of employees, and even less focus on the work I found most meaningful as the office was stretched thin.  I started getting assigned mindless tasks to keep the parts of our office running that we still had the capacity to handle.

I was still so deep in grief from the loss of the marriage I believed I had for at least the first half of 2025 (and even into the fall) that I didn't even have the bandwidth to really process what was happening to my job and my country.  But I was aware enough to recognize that the lack of consideration and gaslighting that had started with my job (at least my recognition of it) and then seeped into my home, had now openly seeped into my country generally.  I can probably add to that a lack of consideration from the person I thought was my closest friend to that list.

So I'm finding that as I start to come out of the darkest clouds of my grief surrounding my marriage, I see the other layers that I haven't even had the bandwidth to process yet.  And although I have no legitimate reason to feel this way, I feel a bit guilty at how easily I have and continue to be able to just push some of them to the side while the people around me try to do their part to respond to the horror of the world being on fire.  I just need to remind myself that there is immense value in investing in becoming the best person I can as I hold on to the humanity we all need to see in each other and that there is immense value in the good work I do in my job, even if it so often now is mindless and seems to lack much meaning.

I shrunk myself even in my friendship

October 5, 2024, two weeks after I moved into my own apartment out of the one we had shared, there was a water lantern festival at the park in my neighborhood.  For context, I had signed off on all the divorce papers including the marital settlement agreement by this time and we were just waiting the 30 days until the Court could grant the divorce.

As soon as I registered for the lantern festival, I started working on the Hiaku poems I wanted write on the lantern I released.  I wrote a brief post about the event here.  

I invited my friend (the half of the couple's friend who has been mostly missing in action).  This was one of the very rare times she showed up for me. The day of the event she texted and asked if she could bring her two girls along. I didn't know how to say no so I agreed.  They were pretty out of control most of the event which really took away from any chance to seriously talk to my friend despite this being the first chance we had together since before he had asked for a divorce.

And you want to know what I wasted my precious moments of conversation on?  I didn't focus on what I was feeling or what I needed.  Instead, I asked her to encourage her husband to keep in contact with my ex-husband and check in on him.  I told her that I was worried he had no one close.  I didn't want him to lose the one local friendship he had.  Even in the moments after he treated me so horribly in how he discarded me, I was more concerned about him than I was about myself.  

Even after we separated I was still shrinking my needs for his.

And now I'm the one sitting at a table for one grieving the distance from this friend, wondering if that is distance I created from the beginning in the way I shrunk myself.

Another (small) tie severed

I severed a tie today that I didn't even know existed.  My building key fob essentially stopped working.  I was down to one door where it sometimes would work.  I know everyone in my building has been having door problems for a while now and so for weeks had been dealing with having to hold it a bit longer to get it to engage but this weekend, it just stopped engaging no matter how long I held it there.  Fortunately, there had been people around to let me in each time.  

With the office open today, I stopped in to get a new fob.  The leasing agent took my old one into the back and came back with a puzzled look on her face asking my name.  It turns out it was still under my ex-husband's name and listed the apartment we had shared together.  

I wonder if that means his fob is under my name or whether they just programed them both under the first lease holder name.  But I digress.

She went in the back again, got me a new one and made sure it was registered in my own name and apartment number.  And this one, although still pretty finicky, actually let me into my building.  Maybe the vibes from my ex-husband were causing extra interference.

A text message

I'm scrolling through Instagram, laughing at some hilarious reels after I had a short conversation with my parents who safely made it through a long, snowy day driving through Mississippi, when a text message notification crosses my screen.  It's from that friend who has been missing in action.  It says something about how she saw my post about my ex and asks if I want to talk.

I don't like how I feel and how a notification like that affects me so instead of clicking on it and replying right away, I opened up my blog.

No, I don't want to talk to her about him.  She's about a year and a half too late to start being concerned about me.  Her inconsistency and the way she has dropped the ball at so many key moments have done more to play with my emotions than be any sort of support.  That inconsistency is so hard.  To show up every few months and half follow through keeps me stuck in this cycle.  Now that I have so much more clarity, I think that cycle reminds me too much of the cycle with my ex-husband.  

And this contact seems to be reactive instead of proactive.  This is actually the first time she has offered to talk.  In my post, I expressed so much appreciation for the people who have been there for me.  Here is part of what I wrote which although I meant it to be appreciation for those who did step up, I can imagine it might remind her of the ways she wasn't there for me.

As I struggle to process it all, I am just thankful for the friends and family that have been just a text or phone call away. My parents have accepted a few extra phone calls from me. My sister talked to me for over an hour yesterday and then carried on a text conversation with me as I cleaned up the mess today (it was so nice to have her virtually with me). And colleagues and friends have sat with me both in person and by text this week. 

Often over the last year and a half what I have needed most is to have people who care about me witness the pain I am experiencing as I pick up the pieces of my life.

And there is a part of me that no longer trusts her.  I don't know her well enough to know whether or not she is passing information about me to him.  I had a moment yesterday where in hindsight I wished I had adjusted the audience of the post to not include her and her husband but I figured by then they had already seen it and it was too late.  I think they are my only Facebook connections to him.  I've wondered more than once if unfriending them (or at least the husband) would make Facebook and Instagram stop recommending her profile to me - something that seems to happen about every other time I open the apps.

I don't know what I even want to do with this friendship anymore.  I don't know how to talk to her about how her actions have affected me.  And I definitely don't feel in the right mindset to try and navigate that tonight.

I don't know if I'm avoiding or if I'm still trying to figure out what, if anything, I need and want with regard to this relationship.

I don't know how I will respond.  I'm going to get ready for bed and hopefully come up with a simple response to send before I sleep.  I don't want to talk to her tonight though.  I know that.

A memory reminding me how little he considered me

A winter storm is covering so much of the country and so social media is filled with photos of winter scenes.  It triggered a memory I had long forgotten.  When we got married, we were living in an apartment complex in Burnsville, Minnesota.  The apartment came with one garage space and one uncovered parking space.  In the midwest, garages matter more, especially in the winter, because it is a pain to scrape ice and clear snow off your car every morning before going to work.  A garage keeps it dry and eliminates that nuisance.  And plowing isn't always great in parking lots and so at times, we had to shovel snow around our car to even get out of the space.

Unsurprisingly, my ex-husband insisted on full time use of the garage space for his car.  It wasn't even something he was willing to discuss.  Even in our earliest days, I guess I recognized he cared about his cars more than anything.  But I did push back a bit asking that if he got the garage space, he would at least help me clear my car in the mornings.  He very reluctantly agreed although ultimately, I still ended up doing a lot of scraping and shoveling on my own.  It's not that I couldn't handle it but if I had married someone who considered me, I wouldn't have had that fall so disproportionately on me.  I wouldn't have even needed to advocate for myself.

Fast forward half a dozen or more years, we owned a house in Brookfield, Wisconsin that had a two car garage.  One summer he bought a used Porsche convertible (or maybe it was the year he bought the mustang - I forget what came first).  When winter came, he decided to park his sports car for the winter and purchase a "beater" (or so he liked to call it) to drive in the winter.  He actually had the gall to initially suggest he would take both garage spots that winter (one for his sports car and one for his "beater").  I shouldn't have had to advocate for myself to be able to use half of our jointly owned garage.

I knew better too.  I knew this wasn't how a man who loved a woman treated her.  I had such a different experience growing up.

I can't even count the number of times I walked out of the house in the morning as a high school senior or college student home from winter break to find my Dad had already cleared my car for me.   Or that time as an adult, when I arrived at the park and ride to catch the bus to work to discover they had only plowed the aisles.  I had give my little car a lot of gas to get over the windrow and into a parking spot.  As I was trying to park it, I had no clue how I was going to get my car out of it at the end of the day so I e-mailed my Dad.  When I got off the bus that evening, he and my mom were waiting for me.  He had already shoveled out my car and cleared all the windows.

Some of these examples of such a lack of consideration from my ex-husband go back to the very beginning of our marriage or even before the marriage.  Why did I accept a man who had so little consideration of me?

Today's grief processing

I wish today wasn't a max telework day because of the weather.  I really could benefit being around people today.

Facebook and Instagram both keep recommending her profile to me.  She has changed her profile photo to a selfie of her showing off her ring.  

The husband of the woman I thought was my close friend is now following her (which may be why her profile is now getting recommended to me) and he has posted congratulations to her on Facebook.  I can't picture him posting on her page if they hadn't met her and started to get to know her.  

I posted on Saturday on my Facebook page after I broke my favorite wine glass about how I was struggling and how I had stumbled upon his engagement.  I got an outpouring of support from so many people but she and her husband were completely silent.  And considering the husband has followed every single one of my stories (without interaction) including the one I posted yesterday and both of them have been active on Facebook all weekend, I'm sure they saw it.

With how my friend has not been there for me at all, it feels like they chose sides.

Sometimes I wish I knew what stories he was telling other people about our divorce and marriage.  Maybe that would explain why I lost this friend.  And if that is the case, I wish she had cared enough about me to talk to me about it before just distancing herself and abandoning me to go through all this on my own.

Part of me wonders why I mourn this relationship so much.  The divorce showed me how unbalanced and unreciprocated it has always been.  The terms of it have always been at her convenience and based on her needs.  I was the friend that uplifted and encouraged her as she doubted herself as a new mother, the one who held and rocked her oldest daughter when she herself couldn't get her to stop crying.  I was the friend that listened and validated as she struggled with another friend distancing herself from her.  I supported her even fairly recently as she shared struggles with her work.

And I didn't ask for much when the divorce hit - just a response to a few texts when I hit my lowest moments, the occasional check in (at one point she promised to reach out weekly, something that never happened - I didn't even hear from her monthly), and her to follow through on getting together with me when she said she would.  I even accepted her bringing her children last minute a couple of times when I really would have preferred some one-on-one time.  I'm not too much.  This is bare minimum friendship stuff.  I have really lost nothing by losing her as a friend.  But it doesn't feel that way.

What I didn't expect with the divorce was how much it would shift everything.  I didn't just lose a husband and the life I had built with him.  I lost the self I was in that life.  I lost that perspective of viewing the world.  I lost innocence.  I lost other connections, like the ones with this couple, that at one point felt so meaningful to me.  And I lost my sense of reality when I realized how much of my life was built on a fantasy or influenced by his gaslighting.

No matter how much good has come out of all of that and how much better off I am, it doesn't eliminate the feelings of deep loss that comes with the destruction of everything I thought I knew and the grief that goes along with it.

Uplifting Connections

I had lunch today with an interesting group from church.  As I was walking the last block to my apartment, I ran into one of my friends with her partner.  They were headed to the restaurant right near my place to meet another couple they often have lunch with who I knew by sight but had never really talked to.  My friend invited me to join them and despite the fact that I was soaked through and through from the rain, I agreed.  I'm really glad I accepted the invitation.

I love how uplifting each one of these individuals were.  It's a characteristic in so many of my new friendships that so often had been missing before and that I am starting to realize is essential for fulling relationships for me going forward.  

With people who uplift one another, there is balance in the conversation.  People listen more than or at least as much as they speak.  There is genuine curiosity.  Compliments, admiration, and encouragement flow freely back and forth.  There is depth.  And the topics cover ideas, beliefs, goals, personal experiences instead of gossiping about other people.  The only time our conversation turned to talking about someone not present was to express admiration for our pastor and his message today.  

These are the kind of people who have no interest in competing with you.  They see your success as something that is as important as their own and they proactively ask you about your projects and goals.

Additionally, there is this solid communication of an appreciation for the staff we interact with like our server at lunch today.  That's not to say the other types of people I have been in relationship were necessarily rude to customer service staff but they also weren't appreciative.

Another difference I find in these uplifting type of individuals is how much of a full life they have - volunteer work, community and social group involvement, books they are writing, active hobbies, etc.  Maybe that's the secret, when you are living a fulfilling, complete life, you have no need to compete with others.

Although I wish I had connected with people like this earlier, I'm really glad I'm connecting with them now.

Moving on

Yes, it's my fifth post of the day - it has been quite a few days!  The more I turn this around in my head, the more I am convinced it is bound to fail.  When the infatuation and dopamine wears off, there is no way he will find happiness in helping maintain a home, living with two teenage daughters, sharing finances in such a situation, or having to tolerate another strong woman's opinions.  There may be a lot of things he hid from me and surprised me with in the end but those go against a core I saw in him through the masks.  And that doesn't even take into consideration that she may be bringing some of her own baggage to the relationship.

He's not actually moving on.  He's just desperate to avoid the work that truly moving on would require.  He's using a woman to hide from his insecurities just as he did with me for as long as he could.

I need to stop comparing myself and my progress to him because (1) we are each unique individuals on our own paths and (2) he will never even be in my league until he does some serious self-reflection and starts taking accountability for his actions.  Whatever temporary highs he may find in the meantime will never match the long term joy I am finding in the life I am carefully building.

So good riddance!  As another commenter on Facebook suggested that I not look at it as if I was left behind but instead as if I have been "catapulted to a better (me) and a better life".  

Spilled wine

I tripped carrying my wine glass to my chair this evening.  In horror, I watched my favorite wine glass fall to the floor shattering and splattering red wine over the beautiful furniture my Dad had made, the contents of my bookshelf, and even the corner of my Grandma's quilt.  Pink and white glass mixed with the red wine sprawled across the floor.  I took a deep breath, let a few tears fall, started to clean up the damage, and then sent a quick text to my sister.  

Over the next few minutes I went back and forth between my text messages and the damage, cleaning and communicating.  It was so nice to not only let my feelings flow but also have someone virtually with me as I cleaned up.

Now I sit cornered in my chair with the floors all around me freshly swept and mopped, smelling like Fabuloso.  And I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for me and my capacity to fully exist in this moment.  And I'm thankful for my sister who from hundreds of miles away witnessed my emotions and virtually stood with me.

Am I confusing emotions?

I think I mistake some of my emotions.  I just realized right now after receiving a text from a friend that I am more likely to cry at the support I receive during my hard times than I am about the hard times themselves.  Maybe my grief emotions are amplified by an overwhelming feeling from people actually showing up for me.  How many of my strong emotional reactions are really a mix of good and bad all in one?

Today's accomplishments

All of my new socks are clean and I’m wearing the butterfly ones.  I bought myself a beautiful bouquet of flowers (with my favorite colors and some daisies, my favorite flower) and a bottle of wine with a gorgeous red dress on the label (yes, labels do matter!).  And I have the ingredients to make a tasty turkey meatloaf later today.  (Knowing how unmotivated I am to ever cook, I kept it easy with ready prepared ingredients except the onion I have to cut.)  Next I plan to do some more work on my travel blog but honestly, if I accomplish nothing else, I did okay today.  Cheers!

This morning

Last night I talked to my sister for over an hour!  We exchange texts fairly frequently but rarely talk on the phone.  Something in my texts to her last night encouraged her to recommend a call and I'm so glad she did.  I then slept really well.  There was a point around 4:30 a.m. where I laid awake for a while but eventually I fell back asleep and didn't wake again until after 7:30!  I don't remember the last time I slept that late!

This morning, I took the time to make French press coffee.  I've got a second pot started.  And in one tab of my browser, I have open my travel blog that I keep switching to and adding words to the photos I uploaded yesterday.  In another tab, I have open Facebook where I posted this morning in the 40+ divorced women's group and have a flurry of comments of support coming in.  Plus, I'm enjoying listening to the comforting, familiar sounds of the trains passing by.

One commenter in that Facebook group wrote something that really stuck with me.  She wrote, "It is hard to feel erased and insignificant. But we aren't. We showed up, we loved fully."  During our marriage he tried to erase me and make me smaller and in so many ways I let him.  Maybe this feels like one last attempt to erase me and make me feel insignificant except now I'm not accepting that erasure.  I'm not letting one person have that kind of control over me.  But old patterns die hard, it takes time to re-write two decades worth of patterns, so the pull is still there.

This quiet, empty night

I made cold brew so it would be ready for the morning.  I started a new audiobook.  I cleaned the bathroom.  I unloaded the dishwasher I had run the night before my trip.  I put away my Christmas decorations and trimmed my Christmas cactus.  I finished unpacking and stored my suitcase.  And I'm on my second load of laundry. 

And now I'm sitting in my comfy chair with soothing piano music now playing, waiting for photos to upload to my travel blog so I can make some progress on the posts for this last trip.  And there is this pit in my stomach while my heart rate seems to be a bit faster than normal.

I'm re-reading the text from my friend from a couple of hours ago and replaying the short telephone conversation that followed.  Her text started with "I'm sorry I've been MIA."  No shit has she been missing in action for the last year and a half!  Sometimes I wonder if the superficial relationship that is left just painfully reminds me of the loss of the close friendship I thought we had.  Although I truly wonder if it has always been unbalanced.

She then went on to say she is struggling with some current events and asked if I had five minutes to talk.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  I wondered if she would use this as a chance to give me a heads up that he had gotten engaged and see how I was doing although I didn't have much hope of that.  That's just not the reality of the relationship we actually have.

She politely asked about my trip before she jumped into her questions hoping I had some inside knowledge on something someone had told her.  The kids could be heard in the background.  The call ended with vague promises of getting together soon (promises she has made so many times) and then her saying something about needing to deal with the kids.

I put the phone down after she hung up feeling let down once again.  I wondered if I should have said something more.  I wondered why I kept accepting her contact every few months.  And then I turned to laundry and the next tasks.

And now I sit here questioning my earlier bravado that I would be able to turn my focus all on me this weekend in this empty apartment especially as my body tells me my emotions are heightened and the piano music seems to be doing little to soothe me.

Time to get back to me

It’s been about 24 hours.  I’m not willing to let him take any more of my energy than that.  He’s just not worth it.

I’ve vented to friends.  I’ve talked through it with my therapist.  I’ve blogged about it.  I’ve sat in silence with it.  I’ve even shed a few tears over it.

And the more I turn it around in my head, the more I realize how lucky I am to be away from him and how beautifully I’ve poured into myself and built something so much better in his absence.  On paper, he may seem like he is moving ahead and leaving me behind but without doing the work like I have done, his movement forward is only temporary, only a temporary high before it all catches up with him again.  I know the work I’m doing will result in lasting progress.  My timeline needs to be my own because that is the only way for me to continue to step into the woman I want to be and the life I was meant to have.

So I’m done wasting energy on him.  This weekend is about me.  I think I’ll start a puzzle, listen to my playlist, find a new book to read or listen to, work on my travel blog, maybe do a little travel planning, and spend some quiet moments savoring a pot of tea.  Although first, I need to finish my unpacking, do a little laundry, and clean my apartment so my space feels fresh and comfortable.

I’ve proven over and over again that I can do this.  I can learn from and make something beautiful out of even the most challenging moments.

I know the sun will return but it feels really dark right now

I put a butterfly in my hair this morning as tears rolled down my face.  My mustard yellow sweater matched the monarch one.  It was a small intentional act on a morning that feels so dark.

I know the day will not stay dark.  The sun always comes out, even if sometimes it is a bit dimmed by the clouds.  I've spent the last year and a half building, growing, and truly living.  I can point to so much evidence of how much better off I am and I know that even more is to come.

But right now, the pain is sharp.  I'm angry at myself for investing so much into such an imbalanced relationship with someone who was so self-focused at the expense of the marriage they committed to.  I'm angry at him for all the lies, manipulations, and confusion.  I'm angry that I chose someone with so little integrity and empathy that he could end a relationship the way he did and then move on so quickly.  And I'm frustrated at how long it is taking to pick up the emotional pieces from the damage he caused.

So I'm going to take this extra moment with my coffee this morning with the butterfly in my hair.  And I'm going to remind myself of the community I have built which is supporting me and will help me get through this.  Last night, I had a good session with my therapist.  Then I called my parents.  And then as I unpacked and admired all the souvenirs from my trip (mostly cool socks), I texted back and forth with a woman that has become a really good friend.  

And I know there are people when I get into the office today who will check in on me.  Maybe I'll even reach out to my Wisconsin friend.  I always enjoy hearing from her.

Moving on

Over my lunch hour, I was scrolling my Facebook feed when the profile of the woman my ex is now dating was recommended to me.  My curiosity got the best of me and I clicked on it.  Her status has been changed to "engaged" with a post indicating she got engaged on January 20.

Being the first day back from an amazing trip, I was on a high before I opened her profile, not unlike the high I felt coming off of my family cruise last summer (the one that was supposed to be our anniversary cruise).  In both cases, I came home immediately to news related to this woman.  Last time it was seeing her on his patio along with the Facebook post asking about any red flags.  This time it was the engagement.

The timing in both cases feels cruel although maybe it was also the moment I was best able to handle the news.  There I am looking for the silver lining even in my lowest moments.

A wave of emotions has run through me, some I understand, some I don't.  Physically, my body has felt a rush of tension, in my head, a tightening of my throat, a racing heartbeat, a pit in my stomach.

Rationally, my mind sees more red flags than I can even keep straight in my head.  She can't really know him at all.  After only seven or so months, I'm sure he is still performing.  Honestly, she might be too.  Anyone in their forties with children still at home who would rush into a relationship this fast likely has plenty of her own issues.  I may not know exactly how their story will end but I know a story that starts this way rarely ends well.  And I'm confident he has not done the work to not repeat the same patterns he repeated with me.

And for him to be willing to marry a woman with children who is this vocally political goes against everything he demonstrated to me that he didn't want.

But it's not my rational mind that is stopping me today.  It's this deep pit in my stomach, this numbness.  I tried to explain it to my colleague at work.  I tried to explain it to my therapist.  But I'm not sure I really understand it.

My body rushed with overwhelming feelings when I talked about grieving the healthy relationship I thought we would have.  I don't miss him.  I'm not jealous of her or him for that matter. I miss the belief that I had someone who had my back and was connected with me, even if that belief sat on a crumbling foundation.

And then after I ended my therapy session, something my colleague had said to me earlier settled in me a bit more.   My colleague said that this probably wouldn't have hit me as hard if I had already moved to Atlanta.  He is moving on (whether that is a good or bad decision) while I sit stuck in limbo with the future I want to move on to.   

It goes all the way back to August when I made that trip to Atlanta to explore a neighborhood and apartment complexes after the initial posting.  It was mid-December that I was told they had gotten approval to post another position after the first of the year.  It is now January 22 and that posting still hasn't posted.  I feel so stuck. My patience is wearing thin.

I don't say this to dismiss the important work I have done over the last year and a half that I know will set me up for a bright future, far better than my ex jumping into a new relationship will.  But the next step in that process still feels so far away.  

To add to that, I'm sad my friend hasn't (at least yet) had the consideration to warn me that he has gotten engaged.  This is the friend who has really disappointed me so much over the last year and half.  She was the one local friend when it all fell apart that I thought would be there for me but then wasn't.  Her husband began following my ex's fiancee on Facebook at some point in the last few days so I'm sure they both know about the engagement.  I shouldn't be surprised but I'm still a little hurt.

So I'm still grieving the relationship I had hoped we would have in my marriage.  I'm grieving the loss of a friend who I thought would be there.  I'm frustrated that he seems to get to move ahead in what seems like consequence free while I feel stuck.  I'm unsettled.  And I feel like his ability to move forward so quickly speaks to how little he actually cared about me which really stings, even if it isn't surprising. 

What I learned on a hike into the canyon

This morning I hiked into Bryce Canyon just before sunrise.  My Dad was going to join me but took one look at the path and realized it was beyond his comfort level with his abilities at his age so it turned into a solo journey into the canyon.  Although I didn't hesitate for even a second at the chance to do this hike, I would be lying if I said I had no fear doing it alone.

The sun had not yet risen but its colors had already painted the sky and the path was plenty well lit so I started my journey down.  Over the space of about 0.9 miles, I descended 450 feet (and then returned by that same path).  The trail had evidence it had been well traveled with many footprints and it switched back many times to help with the descent.  When I started, the trail was empty. I looked back to see my Dad up at Sunrise Point watching me begin my descent along with a few other early risers admiring the view from above.  But I appeared to be the only one descending.

I paused constantly to take in the views, snap a few photos and videos, and repeat over and over "Wow!"  At one of those pauses, the sun peaked over the mountains and took my breath away.

At some point after the sun rose, a couple came up behind me and passed me by.  They would be the first two of eight people I would see on this trail over the hour and fifteen minutes it would take me to travel the 1.8 miles roundtrip.  The remaining six I wouldn't see until I started my climb back up.  So the majority of my journey was in silence with just the sounds of the breeze, my footsteps, the Common Ravens following me, and at one point the song of a Stellar's Jay (a new bird species for me!).

Three times I came across these cutouts in the hoodoos as the trail continued directly through the rock formations.  Besides the footprints filling the path, it was really the only reminder of human influence on the work of art Mother Nature had created.

Until this hike, all of my views in Bryce Canyon National Park had been from the rim of the canyon looking down on the hoodoos.  To be able to stand at the base of them and look up gave me a whole new perspective.  It allowed me to feel connected and a participant vs an observer from above.

By this point, the sun was at an angle in the sky that it was reflecting off even the areas in the shadows.  Everything glowed vibrant reds, oranges, and yellows.

When I reached the bottom, I paused for a moment.  The trail ended at a hoodoo that had been named Queen Victoria.  It was very anticlimactic and a bit unimpressive after the experience I had on the journey going down.  But to be honest, I wasn't really focused on a destination.  The destination was just to give structure to this journey.  What an important reminder that is.  Sometimes in life it can be so easy to be focused on the end goal that the experience of the journey gets lost.  The journey is the best part.

Then I started my climb back up.  The neat thing about an in and back out trail is that you get to see everything from a different angle on the way back.  With my gaze primarily focused forward, there was so much I had missed on the way down.  At one point, I noticed a tree stood tall right in the middle of the path.  How I could have missed something that obvious on the way down, I don't know.  I guess we can't take it all in and process it all.  So our brain picks and chooses what it thinks is important at any given moment.  

It's interesting how when it is a tree in the middle of the path that I missed, I just shake my head and go on.  I don't waste time regretting not seeing it or wishing I had paid more attention.  I just take in the information for the trip forward.  Yet, I struggle to just shake my head and go on when it comes to all the things I missed in my marriage.  Sure, the consequences might be greater in the different scenarios but in each case, I can't go back in time.  The best I can do is just take note of the new information to guide my present and future.

When the sun is low in the sky, my shadow often gets in the photo.  I've really embraced that this trip.  It's the sun's way of adding me to the scenery I'm enjoying so much.  So when I came around the last few corners and could see the look out point where I started, I snapped a photo which also captured part of my shadow.

And then I turned around to reflect on where I had been.  By this point, the sun was in my eyes so I didn't linger too long.  But I did spend just a moment amazed at what I had just accomplished and contemplated the new perspectives gained.  From the top of the trail, I once again had the reminder of what it was like to look down on it all as an observer but fresh in my mind was the perspective of walking among it all as a participant.

This hike gave me confidence as I learn to navigate this world on my own.  It taught me perspective.  It brought me so much joy.  And it left me in complete awe.

Dreams

I had two very distinct dreams last night of my ex-husband that actually stuck with me.  Although I will at times wake up with impressions of a dream or emotions from it, I rarely actually remember any details so to have two in one night stands out a bit.

In the first dream, he had suffered some sort of medical condition after our divorce and as part of the treatment for that condition, his face had been reconstructed such that he wasn't even recognizable.  I was seeing him for the first since that.  The stark difference to the face I thought I had remembered so well was very jarring.  

I still struggle with reconciling the man I thought he was with the man he showed me to be in the end and I wonder if this was my mind's way of trying to still process that.  Although I now understand that it's not that he went through a reconstruction (I really think he changed and grew very little over the two decades I knew him), but more that my perspective went through a reconstruction combined with the fact that as he had nothing to lose anymore at the end, he dropped more of his masks.

I still ask myself how he could do what he did to someone he claimed to love.  It's hard to accept behaviors that are so foreign to my own behaviors and that are in such contradiction to my sense of integrity and ethics.  I realize someday, I will just have to accept that I will never understand and although I'm not there yet, I'm getting closer and closer with all the work I've done.

In the second dream, he had asked for my help with something.  I don't think we were together at this time anymore and this wasn't something that would benefit me but I agreed to try and help him anyway.  Very early on in the interaction, he made an incredibly dismissive comment about something I had suggested and I quickly ended the interaction and walked away, leaving him to figure out whatever he needed help with on his own.  I wasn't willing to tolerate his dismissiveness anymore.

The familiarness of the interaction (except the ending of me walking away) made me wonder how often I had to tiptoe around his ego as he benefited greatly from my knowledge but was too insecure to acknowledge it.  I always believed we made the best decisions when we both had opportunity to be heard and could combine our knowledge and experience.  But I often felt alone in that belief.  

He would so often process a decision in his head and by the time he verbalized it to me, not be willing to entertain any questions or discussion on it.  He kept trying to remind me that he was an internal processor and my response always was fine but he still needed to bring me in on the discussion at some point and be open to my external processing as I tried to catch up.  But I don't think it was about how he processed at all.  His ego was just too fragile to accept anything less than an enthusiastic, unquestioning support of anything he said.

I'm really proud though of how quickly I was willing to walk away from a situation where I was not valued.  I think that reflects incredible growth.  

Perspective

I walked the Park Avenue trail at Arches National Park today.  From the Park Avenue trailhead, it is a pretty steady decline until you reach the bottom of a valley.  Towering rock formations, etched by Mother Nature, reached up on both sides around and behind me.  It felt like I was a tiny speck in the bottom of a deep bowl.

Last night, I stood in the dark on packed snow that reflected the tiniest amount of light with my camera set up on a tripod aimed at Balanced Rock at Arches National Park.  Before me were more stars than my mind could even contemplate.  I could pick out the constellation of Orion but nothing else because the stars were that dense.  My phone tried to direct me to Cassiopeia but I couldn't find the familiar "W" shape in the mass of stars.  As twilight disappeared and the darkness overcame, I discovered that if I stepped more than a few feet from my tripod, I struggled to find it once again.

Yesterday, I walked the Grand View Point Trail at Canyonlands National Park that followed the upper cliffs of the rim along the canyon.  At times, I sat down to just take in the expansive views and at other times I strolled along the path to find new views.

Yesterday morning, just after sunrise, I stood at Mesa Arch in Canyonlands National Park as my eyes widened as the arch slowly started glowing orange from the colors of the sun.

Tuesday, I stood between the towering rock formations along the Sand Dunes Arch trail.

North Window

Double Arch

Broken Arch

Also on Tuesday, I stood in the shadows of so many huge arches sculpted by Mother Nature over centuries.  

Tuesday morning, I watched the sun rise over the majestic, snow capped La Sal Mountains as the colors danced off the red rock formations behind me, a reminder that the light always follows darkness and sometimes it comes with a display of the most brilliant colors to remind us of nature's beauty.

On Sunday, all other sounds were drowned out as the chorus of a flock of snow geese echoed through Bosque del Apache National Wildlife Refuge as they took off in unison.  

And these are just a few of the highlights from the last five days.  On this trip, neither the past nor the future matters to the moments.  It's the present moments that remind me of my place in this world, that leave me in complete awe, that show me the breathtaking beauty that surrounds me, that feed my soul, and that remind me of who I am.  

I'm not finding time to write or do any deep reflections like this blog so often highlights.  But I'm pouring into me and I'm exhausting myself with joy each day such that my nights are filled with restful sleep.

Joy even in travel days

My morning may have started at 2:30 a.m. today but it was after five and a half hours of uninterrupted, restful sleep.  And I smiled as I stepped into the shower to discover the rainfall shower head.  I lingered a few extra minutes underneath it before reaching for one of the thick, plush towels.  

To avoid having to deal with the rain and storms in the middle of the night, at the last minute, I booked a night in the hotel where my shuttle would pick me up and it was the best decision I could have made.  It was a little nicer hotel than I normally book so let me experience something special to start my trip.

And then with extra time built in (in case of any delays or issues), I was able to find a good sit-down restaurant and have a real breakfast once I got to the airport.  The chicken sausages were especially good.

Then I walked between the concourses so that I could admire the displays and artwork.  I stopped to admire a photography series on migrants in the American South.  I enjoyed the crayon sculptures at the D Concourse.  And I caught myself smiling as I marveled at the simple, yet genius technology of the moving sidewalks.

Now, I sit on the floor in front of the windows at a quieter gate where I can write, charge my devices, watch the activity at the gate, and feel the rumble of the planes.

Others may wonder why I have such bright smiles for a travel day like this but the way I see it, the world is my playground.  Albuquerque here I come!  My Mom seemed to think we might even have time to drive one of the auto loops this afternoon before sunset.  I hear the flocks of snow geese are impressive.

Birthday week? Birthday month?

Yesterday, my choir director sent me a video of my choir singing happy birthday to me.  They would have sung to me in person had I been there on Wednesday night but I skipped practice because of the busy week and the fact that I would be missing the next few Sundays because of travels.  

In the six and a half years my choir director has known me, I have never spoken up about my birthday so they had never sung to me before.  I'm sure he saw my recent posts on Facebook though and didn't want to miss this first opportunity this year.  One of my alto friends may have spoken up too.  There is this older lady I always sit next to.  She is a fairly recent widow so we connected a bit over our grief.  She has started sending me memes and texts frequently and gave me a card at Christmas that I loved.  It said "I'm so lucky to have a friend like you.  All my other friends are normal."  

Then I went to a wine garden with three great friends.  A fourth had hoped to join us but is stuck getting ready for a trial.  This group of women are just wonderful - kind, intelligent, authentic, generous women.  The conversation flowed easily covering lots of topics - politics, travel, family, work, etc.  And they wouldn't let me pay!  I tried to order some snacks for the table since I had invited them all and they took over.  And then when I went to the restroom at the end, one of them had my tab of drinks transferred over to her own!

Then tomorrow, my parents will be picking me up in Albuquerque so that the three of us can spend a week and a half together exploring New Mexico and Utah.  We've been planning this trip for a year now.  My Mom and I are both planners so it was fun working with her to come up with the itinerary, activities, hotels, etc.  My Dad is the encouragement in the background, encouraging us to book that expensive dome  stay we were hesitating on because the experience will be worth it.

So I sit here this morning drinking my coffee reflecting on all of this and am a bit overwhelmed at the love I feel from so many people.  And I'm surprised at how much I am truly enjoying finally celebrating my birthday.

My initial feelings of abandonment

When he first asked for a divorce in the summer of 2024, what I felt most initially was abandoned.  I'm coming back to understand that feeling now because reading 1984 helped me understand how much the gaslighting and manipulating of my memory felt like the biggest betrayal and I think that explains a bit my feelings of abandonment.  

In early 2024, I interviewed for a promotion in my office, wanting to get paid for the job I had already been doing (on top of my current job) since 2022 and continue to do even up to today.  After going through the lengthy application process and sitting through a panel interview, I was told they would not be filling the position.  The vague reasons given when I and my colleague asked were something about not having the funding in our office's budget.  This position was funded from a special outside funding source which despite those comments about our office's budget situation, we were assured still did exist.  If the special funding unique to this position did still exist, why would it matter what our office's budget looks like?  The lack of straight answers that didn't add up really felt like gaslighting.

Then that summer of 2024, there was a huge pit in my stomach about the ongoing presidential campaigns.  Even before Election Day, I was pretty sure I knew what the results would be.  And although I couldn't have predicted what has happened so far (and what may happen next), I knew it would bring uncertainty to both of our jobs and a lot of distortions and gaslighting from high up officials.

So at work I was being gaslit.  I feared the gaslighting that would soon be a part of our country's daily life.  And at home that summer, the illusion I had built was fracturing as I realized how much my now ex-husband was gaslighting me.  The last space that I had hoped would be my safe haven disappeared before my very eyes overnight.  His decision to run away coincided with probably the one time period in my adult life when I most needed that safe space at home.  No wonder I felt abandoned.

And then I think it was all made even worse when it felt like the one local friend I had who I thought was a really close friend also abandoned me as she ignored my texts, repeatedly cancelled plans on me, and was a bit dismissive in the conversations we did have.

Fast forward to today - I've created that safe space in myself and in my small home.  I've built a community of friends and family with deeper connections to be another safe space.  I've got a happy hour with three of them after work today that I'm looking forward to immensely.  And although the job situation hasn't changed yet, I've taken concrete steps to start looking for a better work environment.  

In doing all that, I haven't erased the feelings of being abandoned by my ex-husband but I have countered its impact on me and hopefully created more stability for myself in the future.  And I've learned a lot about myself and what I need from future relationships.

We see what we want to see

I'm in several birding groups online and the algorithms feed me posts from other groups I'm not actively following as well.  Since the weekend, I've been seeing posts of a dark black heron or egret that was spotted in the Slidell, LA area.  Initial speculation was that it was a melanistic Great Blue Heron, a rare sight to see.  Others wondered if it was covered in oil, although those opinions were pretty quickly dismissed.  So photographers flocked and more and more videos and photos appeared online, many of them appearing to be from a very close distance.  This bird became quite the celebrity.

Then on Monday, the bird was found deceased smelling strongly of creosote.  I believe it has been confirmed that it was covered in oil which likely made it very sick.  This would also explain why people were able to get so close and no one ever saw it fly away.  If only that earlier speculation that it was covered in oil had not been dismissed so quickly, the bird might have been rescued and cleaned.

As events unfold today in Minneapolis with very diverging accounts of what happened (despite several good videos), I can't help but think about how so often we see what we want to see and we listen to the accounts of the people we decide to align ourselves with.  I suppose that is why gaslighting can be so "successful" and it can be so easy for doubts to enter when people so quickly dismiss our initial thoughts.

Today I am sad.