I'm stuck

I sit here scrolling and scrolling, stuck to this oversized chair, listening to the crowd outside at the brewery across the street.  I know there are better things I could be doing that would help my healing or help me find rest or prepare me for the week.  I had planned to work on some poetry.  I had planned to start a book.  I had planned to make some food for the week so that I would actually eat.  I had planned to practice my signature with my new name.  I had planned to work through more address and online login changes.  But I'm stuck here only pulling myself away from scrolling long enough to write this post.

I did too much over the last week - divorce support group, life group choir practice, Halloween with a friend, a funeral, a women's retreat, church plus a full week of work.  That's way too much for my introverted self.  I know that.  But I also fear the moments when I feel truly alone so my schedule gets filled.  I'm struggling with balance and when I finally take the time to clear an afternoon and evening to recharge, I don't take advantage of that time.  I just get stuck.

I think this is the point where I'm supposed to practice grace towards myself.

What I've gone through this year would threaten to crush even the best of us.  But I've kept going.  I've done all the things that I know I need to move forward.  I've made lists that not only include the things I know I need to do but also the things other people tell me I probably need.  And I keep checking off those lists which keeps me moving forward.  I do feel proud of how far I have come and how well I am coping but I still feel guilty when I get stuck.