As I was out in my city this evening alone, I was reminded of a conversation I had with him months ago, probably in September. For years, I have asked him to track me on the evenings I'm out alone and when he traveled to check in that I got home. I had many conversations with him about the security concerns women have and how much I appreciated having him look out for me.
So back in September when my choir practices started up again after we had separated (but were still sharing an apartment) and I found myself out alone at night without anyone checking in on me that first night, I approached him and asked if he worried at all about me being out alone or if the thought at all about checking up on me. He looked at me with such a dumbfounded look and made some comment about how he didn't want to stalk me (I hadn't turned off sharing tracking with him yet).
Clearly it had not even crossed his mind to be concerned about me. And his response was so dismissive, he clearly didn't care at all, not even as a fellow human being.
Tonight in thinking through that interchange a bit more, I realized that lack of care is not something people can turn on and off. That means he had not even cared about my safety for a long time. He had not even cared for me as a human being, let alone the woman he committed to.
And that lack of care or any concern for me guided the incredibly selfish and indifferent way he left the marriage.
How could I have so misjudged him? The man I thought I married never would have been this unkind, cruel, and uncaring to a stranger let alone someone he had claimed to love.
I don't know what triggered me so much tonight. I had been doing so well. And tonight I'm a complete mess with tears running down my face as I scootered through my city and now am sobbing in my apartment.
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