Life Alone

I'm surrounded by so many great friends and have a supportive family.  And they will walk pieces of my journey with me but at the end of the day I go home alone.  I problem solve alone.  I dream alone.  I do life alone.  

As I find my new normal and rediscover myself, I'm not sure that all that will be nearly as lonely as it sounds.

Because there is freedom in life alone.  Freedom not have to sacrifice for another's needs.  Freedom in doing what I want, on my schedule.  Freedom in not having someone else to add problems to the problems I already have.  Freedom to create the balance I want in connecting with others and finding solace in self.

So as I sit here in a hotel by myself towards the end of a 1600 mile round trip drive on my own in my electric car to spend some really nice time with my family over the holiday, I feel like I can do this.  And I think it's something I might get so used to I won't want to go back to having to coordinate it all with another.

I just want to share my soup with him

I made a great chili and my favorite black bean soup for a work event and came home with a lot of leftovers especially of the black bean soup which was a larger pot to start with.  And all I can think about is how I wish I could share it with my ex.

When a relationship ends so abruptly (at least from my perspective), you go one day from sharing all these things together to suddenly not which creates a huge disconnect.  (Maybe even if it had been gradual there would have been some disconnect.)  And so I find myself in moments like this wishing I could go back and share a moment like this one more time.

I'm a bit angry

I'm angry at generational trauma that gets passed from one generation to the next stuck in a cycle that just creates pain and injury.  I'm angry at how mental health treatment is stigmatized, inaccessible, and unaffordable.  I'm angry at how even basic mental health diagnoses have been questioned in the past during many employment background checks making people even less likely to seek treatment.

I'm angry at how good people get stuck, feel trapped, lack the coping skills, and struggle to find healthy outlets.  I'm angry at all the collateral damage that ripples into each relationship.

But really I'm just deeply sad at what I believe could have been if only....  And yes, I hear myself.  I know what I wanted was just not possible.  I just really loved him.  I wanted to be the one there for him.  I wanted to stand by his side as we faced the world.  And so tonight I'm really grieving that loss.

Did I ever truly know him?

I stumbled across a draft note my ex-husband had written 3.5 years ago.  In it he wrote, "I'm just overall an unhappy person most of the time without a lot to look forward to or appreciation for things even though I should have a lot other be thankful for."  This note had nothing to do with me.  It was other triggers at that time.  The note went on to talk about how trapped, depressed, and anxious he felt.  

Reflecting back, I can think of quite a few external triggers over the years that he dwelled on longer than I could comprehend (some even would come up many years later).  I wonder if he had some of these same extreme feelings with those other external triggers.

My stomach sunk when I read it.  To think that the person I loved so much and was with almost 24/7 (this was as we were coming out of the pandemic) was this unhappy and I didn't even know it is heartbreaking.  It also makes me realize my ex-husband is struggling even more than I could have imagined.  And leaving me is unlikely to actually solve that.  And so I will probably continue to worry about him for some time.

Maybe I lost more of myself than I care to admit

I danced in the rain today and stomped in the puddles.  It was so freeing.  If my ex-husband had been with me, he would have complained the entire walk.  He would have stomped on my joy.  

The worst part is that I didn't even realize the ways he did that.  Sure there were times when it was more obvious where we would go do something I really wanted to do and he would spend the entire time complaining.  I even called him out on in it a number of times because it just seemed so unfair the way I would follow him around car shows and other things that didn't interest me at all, without a single complaint.  I wanted to support him in his interests and I could always find something interesting everywhere I went so I looked for my own joy in the people watching or some other aspect of the outing.  But when it came to my things, he couldn't do the same.

But there were other subtle ways, I just didn't feel like I could live out my joy like on rainy mornings when we would walk to work together.

Now, even in the midst of my worst grief, fears and anxieties, I'm finding greater moments of joy than I did in the every day life of my marriage.

And as I try to rediscover who I am and what I want for my life, I'm stepping out into territory I never could have imagined.  How much was he holding me back?  What did I sacrifice of my own in order to try to meet every need I could of his?  And where did he do the same for me?  Did he even at all?

The more I reflect, the more imbalanced this relationship appears.

There's been a recent shift though where I don't linger here too long.  I think that's why my focus on this morning's walk was my joy.  The absence of his complaints was further down the list in my thoughts.  I think I'm getting to the point where my reflections are becoming more forward facing vs. dwelling on the past.

So I'm going to end this day dreaming of the next rain storm and chance to stomp in puddles.  I'm going to focus on the joy I'm finding in my life.  (Maybe Improv is next on my list.....)

Birds

Yesterday, in a forum I participate in someone encouraged the sharing of bird stories which got me thinking about my connection to birds.  Birds are one of those wild animals that are always around us.  They live in cities, suburbs, rural areas, forests, lakes, etc.  All you have to do is look out the window of where you are and you likely can spot a bird.  So in that way, I feel like they accompany us in life.  

There is a Carolina Wren that sings outside the window of my new apartment most mornings before sunrise and sometimes again after sunset in the evening.  She has a beautiful comforting song that even rises above the rhythmic noise of the trans that frequently pass by.  I miss her this morning as the steady rain comes down but I'm confident she will be back on another day soon.

The Carolina Wren is a stark contrast from the Mourning Dove that haunted me over the summer.  I remember the anxiety and deep sadness I felt run through my body as I sat at my computer desk when she started singing outside the apartment we lived in when we were married.  I think it brought out in me a recognition I had tried to bury deep that my marriage was over.  I'm not sure I can ever forget how I felt in that moment.

The Sounds of Life

As I was trying to decide which studio I could be happy in, I struggled with separating my likes, dislikes, and needs from the likes, dislikes and preferences I advocated for within our marriage.  One of the biggest questions related to noise.  Most of the studio apartments were external facing - some right up against train tracks, some facing a brewery and the interstate, and some on a corner likely to get noise from both.  And then there was the question of how much noise I could tolerate from having people above me.

As a couple, we had always tried to avoid noise.  We looked for top floor units that faced quiet interior courtyards.  My ex hated noise.  He would complain about it all.  And as the marriage ended, I learned he was upset I didn't validate those complaints more.

So my question was, "Do I have an aversion to noise as well or do I have an aversion to listening to complaining about the noise?"

Well, I took a leap of faith.  The timing was right on a mid-floor unit that faced the brewery, interstate, and railroad tracks.  And it was the cheapest priced studio so could allow me to have more wiggle room in my budget.  And that is the unit I chose.

I've now been in this unit for two months and it was a leap of faith worth taking.  I regularly leave my patio doors open so that I can not only enjoy the breeze but also listen to the life happening at the brewery next door - the laughter, conversations, music, trivia, children playing, etc.  It also means I get to enjoy the rhythmic sound of the frequent trains that pass by the tracks just steps away from my building.  There's also an added bonus of a Carolina Wren that often sings before sunrise and after sunset right out my window.  

I can close the door and close out most of the sound if I need to (sound proofing is quite good in this building), but I'm often choosing not to do that.  

I really like the sounds of life.  I think it makes me feel a little less alone.

It's just too much.

I feel like I'm at a breaking point.  I went to bed crying last night.  There was no obvious trigger.  I think it was just the culmination of so much stress.  

This election is tearing our country apart and the damage I fear will be done by the incoming president who doesn't seem to believe in democracy or rights for women or rights for any marginalized group is terrifying.

And that fear trickles down into my job which will be affected one way or another by the decisions of this incoming president and the individuals he appoints.  I hope my office is far enough removed that we don't see the worst of the impact but it could get bad.

The timing of all that with my husband leaving me without an explanation that makes any sense also just feels like he abandoned me.  I play over and over in my head the last two decades, ruminating, trying to understand how the many I thought actually loved me could do this to me.  Or how I could have been so wrong in my understanding that he did love and care for me.  

So the grief is just amplified.  It's not just, "how could he do this to me?"  It's, "how could he do this to me in such a time where we so need to lean on loved ones to get through these challenging times in our country?"  Why now?

I feel so incredibly alone.

I'm so tired.

I'm just so tired every day.  By 6:00 p.m., I'm ready to crawl in bed and so try to do everything I can to stay awake a bit longer.  I realize I haven't had many decent nights of sleep since late May, which is a long time, especially for someone who normally would sleep pretty well.  But the tiredness didn't hang over me the previous months like it has been these past couple weeks.  I don't know what changed.

Part of me worries about depression.  I faced major depression in high school and early college.  I know how terrible it can be so I think there is always a few extra checks in my head to try and catch it early.  But I just don't have any of the other symptoms.  I'm starting to feel some peace.  I'm experiencing so many moments of joy each day.  I'm really starting to get in a better place.  This afternoon I was on a bit of a high as I was able to finally get teleworking to work, then cleaned my apartment after work and went for a nice long walk to get my favorite sushi burrito.  But then it all came crashing down.

The Rain

I have turned to Mother Nature and the rain many times over the past months and tonight was no exception.   It is a dark, windy, rainy night and I had choir practice.  As someone who has fully embraced downtown living, my commutes are almost always on foot or kick scooter so weather matters more than it might if I made use of the shelter of my car.

Before leaving, I had just exchanged a few texts with my ex-husband and he had transferred my car over to me in the Tesla app.  The transfer process went incredibly well but the premium subscription which didn't expire for many months that we had paid for didn't transfer over as well.  As much as my ex assured me it would, I was pretty sure this would be the case so I was kind of expecting it.  But what it does mean is another cost for me right now which is incredibly frustrating.  

And this is all on the heels of going into work Tuesday to discover without warning, they started the process to replace my ID which meant I would not be able to telework for the foreseeable future and would be limited in what systems I could access.  It is going to be a painful couple weeks and a bit stressful as I worry about my already approved telework over the holiday.  And that was after the damaged spreadsheet that is making me re-create 2 weeks worth of data, last week's election, and countless other setbacks.  Maybe I'm rambling but I say all this to set up the mindset I was in.

So as I started on my walk in the rain and wind, my first focus was on how miserable a night it was.  But it didn't take many blocks before I saw the reminder the rain was trying to give me that there is so much in life we can't control.  We can sit and stew and complain about it which accomplishes nothing or we can focus on what we can control - our reaction and what we make of life.

So I looked down at the bright pink rain jacket I was wearing.  It was now big enough to cover my iPad bag so that both my body and my device were staying dry.  Part of my response to the rain (and weather in general) is dressing for it.

And then I just took in the sensations of the rain pouring over my face and let it wash away all the anger, the disappointment, and the sadness of recent setbacks.  There is something so refreshing and nourishing about the rain even on a "miserable" night.

Why is everything so hard?

I have been working on a spreadsheet since the separation to try and organize all my accounts and keep track of where I still needed to change my address, name, beneficiaries, account info, etc.  I can't even guess the number of hours I had spent on it.  Well, with the new IOS update this weekend, it became damaged and reverted to a version more than 2 weeks old.  I've done everything I can to try and recover a more recent version without any success.  So now, I start over going through all my accounts to try and figure out what still needs changing and to try and recreate the work I did on the spreadsheet over the two plus weeks.

I'm just so tired.  The bureaucracy of a name change is overwhelming.  Trying to untangle your entire adult life from someone is so overwhelming.  And I seem to be getting the short end of the stick at every turn.  The spreadsheet glitch is just one example of many of cumbersome processes and setbacks.  I'm just so tired.  And there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

And my body is just so tired.  I haven't truly slept well since sometime in May.  I was up at 4:30 a.m. again this morning.  I haven't had a good appetite since sometime in May.  My chronic pain keeps flaring up.  I'm just so tired.

It just feels so unfair that the consequences of his decisions are falling so heavily on me.  And maybe what makes it worse is realizing how much I accommodated him over the years and how little he accommodated me so although I didn't truly realizing it, this imbalance has existed for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to have balance in a relationship.

What's it like to selfishly and dishonestly live your life and then just walk away while the person you claimed to love suffers the consequences?  What's it like to feel relief instead of concern for the damage you have caused?

Loss on top of loss

I know it's the emotions running high.  But it just feels like loss on top of loss on top of loss.  It's not enough that I lost the man I loved and lost any sense of reality and ability trust.  It's all these other little things that trigger the tears and grief all over again.  Today it was my first credit card ever, going back to college.  I even remember the first purchase I put on that credit card.  I stupidly added my ex-husband to that card after we got married as a secondary card holder.  If he had been just an authorized user, I would have been able to easily remove him but they can't remove a secondary card holder who has accepted responsibility.  So now I'm forced to close this account.

I know this sounds really silly but sometimes small things are meaningful and often many small things can add up to something much larger.  This is but only one example of the many losses I have experienced as a consequence of his decision.  

And it just doesn't feel fair.  He hasn't faced any such losses like this.  He's not even having to deal with the painstaking process of changing his name.  I feel like I'm bearing the brunt of the burden of his decisions.  And he doesn't care.  He doesn't care the pain he is causing me.  

Love as a feeling and always looking for the next best thing

He believes we aren’t meant to have life-long relationships because he believes love is just a feeling, not a choice or an action. So he doesn’t make the choice and do the work to love someone. He passively lets it come to him (and flow away from him).

And he is always looking for happiness elsewhere, always looking for the next best thing such that he has never learned to appreciate what is in front of him. 

There is plenty for me to learn and grow from this relationship which I will do but one piece of that is learning to accept that a long term relationship with someone with those two mindsets can never last. Maybe I should recognize the beauty in the fact that he stuck around for as long as he did.

Accommodations he expected of me that he won't make for himself now

I had to deal with him in person one last time as we dealt with a couple joint accounts and transferred titles on our cars.  He got to see a bit in person what I am dealing with as we waited while they sorted out my car registration with my name change which required multiple staff and supervisors to get involved.

We agreed to wait to do the app transfer of my car until after my roadtrip this weekend to make sure I had uninterrupted access to the app while traveling and so he pulled out his phone to add a reminder.  While married, he used our joint gmail calendar for all reminders and he would have the event send an e-mail to remind him.  This cluttered up our e-mail terribly and I asked him many times to use our calendar for events only and not reminders.  I showed him multiple times the reminder app on his phone yet he still resisted.  This was years of annoyances for me.

So you can only imagine the rage that filled me when I watched him open the reminder app to add this reminder.  I asked him why he wasn't putting it on his calendar and he said something about not liking the e-mail reminders.  All these years I put up with this annoyance when he didn't even like it either.  Was he doing it just to spite me?  Otherwise, why?

And then I thought back to his decision on an apartment when we separated this fall.  He hated noise.  He complained about footsteps above us.  He complained about people in the courtyard.  He complained about dogs barking.  He complained about street noise.  And so we always had to very carefully pick our apartment.  It had gotten to the point where he would only accept a top floor apartment in a quiet interior courtyard.  This really limited our options as we apartment hunted plus it always made me feel guilty for wanting to live downtown where noise was inevitable.  We even followed these guidelines any time we had the option of choosing our hotel rooms.

Well when he moved out, he chose a first floor apartment (so noise above him) facing the pool courtyard (there can't be anything quiet about that courtyard).

I thought there was another example of this recently that is currently escaping me.  It just makes me question why I bothered to accommodate him and whether there was ANYTHING he accommodated me on?  Has he been this selfish all along and I just missed it?  Or was he hoping to piss me off enough to get me to divorce him so that he didn't have to do it?  Did my love for him really blind me this much as to who he really was?

I need to release the rage.  I'm sure it is amplified today as I always experience rage and fear over the election results.  I need to remind myself that I entered this marriage with good intentions and I put my best foot forward throughout every step.  I consistently gave him the benefit of the doubt as is so important in a loving relationship.  I respected him.  I acted with integrity.  I'm not saying I was perfect but I was committed to being the best partner I could be and growing and mature to do better every day.  And that is all any of us can ask for.

I can't control him and his behavior.  And I'm not responsible for his behavior even as I face consequences from being the collateral damage.  All I can do is focus on being my best self and making the best decisions I can that are both good for me as well as kind and compassionate to those around me.  So let me take in a deep breath and slowly release it.

A Contentious Election Alone

Polls are starting to close across the country.  We are in the middle of a pivotal election.  Besides the many other things at stake with this election, the results could have significant impacts on my job (on my ex-husband's job as well).  It would have been easier to weather together.  

I just feel abandoned today as I watch the election coverage.  I'm on my own now.  Why did he decide now was the time to run away?  There's so many reasons the timing just seems awful.  This is just one example.  I wonder how much he thought this through.

Waiting to Respond

I'm learning a very good life skill - waiting for my strong emotions to subside before I respond.  His text to me this afternoon was quite inconsiderate.  It brought up all the anger I have felt with how unfair this divorce is going and how much of the burden is falling on me.  Any response I would have drafted in the moment, I would have regretted.  It would have been filled with anger and been unproductive.  So I set my phone down.  I walked away from it.  I did something else.  I made a phone call to my mom.  I figured out how to use the printer in the co-working space of my apartment complex.  And only then did I respond with a very brief, calm response.

My Truth

I've asked myself many times how I could feel it was a good marriage when he says he has been unhappy for so long, when in hindsight it is now clear to me that he had not been investing in the relationship for a very long time.  Shouldn't I have felt the disconnect?  Shouldn't I have felt and/or been bothered by the imbalance?

One thing I have learned about myself that I think speaks to this question is that there was an imbalance in what we were looking to get out of the relationship.  I just don't need much especially as I evolved and matured over the years.  I know how to find my happiness from within.  I know my worth and don't need a lot of outside validation and don't need someone to agree with my opinions to feel secure in what I believe.  And I'm an independent woman who can take care of myself.  

So I wasn't looking for a partner to fill needs like these.  I wanted to partner for companionship.  I wanted a partner to enjoy life with.  I wanted a partner to dream with and build a future with.  I didn't need a partner for my day to day life.  And these more general wants my ex-husband could provide consistently enough without a lot of effort.  

My ex-husband looked to me to fill a lot more needs - validation, feelings of worthiness, help regulating his emotions, etc.  And I could fill a lot of these needs to a certain extent, well enough that I thought I was giving him what I needed.  I just didn't realize (because of his conflict avoidance) how deep his insecurities were and how much more he needed - more than any human could give him.

So from my view and not realizing how silent he was staying, I felt I was getting my needs met and I felt I was meeting enough of his needs.  And because of how much I loved him, the effort I put into meeting his needs didn't feel like work.  It just felt like meeting the man I loved where he was.  

Where does that leave me?  I think it helps me focus on the fact that the marriage was very real to me.  My love for him was very real.  In the midst of all the doubt about which parts coming from him were real, I can feel secure in the fact that my half was real.  And maybe that's all that matters.

The end of a long-term relationship can bring a lot of self-doubt and questions about whether one did enough or whether one should have seen certain signs or even the accuracy of perception.  And I do have some of those doubts and questions.  But I think clarity comes from focusing on what I know to be true and real instead of focusing on what I don't understand about his half of the equation.

I'm stuck

I sit here scrolling and scrolling, stuck to this oversized chair, listening to the crowd outside at the brewery across the street.  I know there are better things I could be doing that would help my healing or help me find rest or prepare me for the week.  I had planned to work on some poetry.  I had planned to start a book.  I had planned to make some food for the week so that I would actually eat.  I had planned to practice my signature with my new name.  I had planned to work through more address and online login changes.  But I'm stuck here only pulling myself away from scrolling long enough to write this post.

I did too much over the last week - divorce support group, life group choir practice, Halloween with a friend, a funeral, a women's retreat, church plus a full week of work.  That's way too much for my introverted self.  I know that.  But I also fear the moments when I feel truly alone so my schedule gets filled.  I'm struggling with balance and when I finally take the time to clear an afternoon and evening to recharge, I don't take advantage of that time.  I just get stuck.

I think this is the point where I'm supposed to practice grace towards myself.

What I've gone through this year would threaten to crush even the best of us.  But I've kept going.  I've done all the things that I know I need to move forward.  I've made lists that not only include the things I know I need to do but also the things other people tell me I probably need.  And I keep checking off those lists which keeps me moving forward.  I do feel proud of how far I have come and how well I am coping but I still feel guilty when I get stuck.

The lows that follow the highs

It's weird how it is all extremes, nothing in the middle.  When I respond that I'm "okay", it's not because I'm actually just okay.  It's because I'm trying to balance in my head the extreme feelings that have washed over me in the last few hours.  One moment I'm walking on water because I've made some great connections, done something really empowering, focused on me and something that feeds my happiness, etc.  The next I'm lost, alone, scared, sad, angry, maybe even on the floor crying in my grief and pain.

So right now I sit feeling so very alone and lost.  All the wind of the day (and the amazing experience I had at a women's retreat) has left my sail.  My eyes want to close.  I can't focus.  I tried an audiobook.  I tried writing.  I even tried watching a mindless show.  But my mind keeps wandering.

When I Suffered, You Did Nothing

When I Suffered, You Did Nothing

You said the loving words
that you thought I wanted to hear
despite the fact
that you didn’t believe them to be true.

You even dreamed the dreams,
made the plans,
and even invested the money
as if we had a future together.

You watched me
adapt, bend, and twist
to meet your ever changing needs
knowing it would never be enough

and I somehow missed
the fact that you weren’t doing the same.
You didn’t see your role.
You didn’t want to.

You stayed silent through it all
with one foot out the door,
as you watched me pour myself
into you and our marriage.

And then when you decided you had enough
you turned the finger on me.
You pointed out my flaws.
You blamed me for my reactions.

You kept your explanations
vague enough and varied enough,
your examples reaching back more than a decade.
The confusion on my face reflected so clearly.

With distorted negative perceptions,
you blamed me for your insecurities
and you blamed me for my strengths.
You still refused to see your role.

You watched my tears fall.
You saw the pain and confusion in my eyes.
You witnessed the weight loss and sleepiness nights
and you did nothing to ease my suffering.

You heard me plea for clarity.
You saw my desperation for answers.
Yet you openly admitted that you had not even bothered
to work through those answers with your therapist.

You walked away as if you had never loved me.
as if you had never cared about me.
You acted like what we once had
never had existed.