I had to deal with him in person one last time as we dealt with a couple joint accounts and transferred titles on our cars. He got to see a bit in person what I am dealing with as we waited while they sorted out my car registration with my name change which required multiple staff and supervisors to get involved.
We agreed to wait to do the app transfer of my car until after my roadtrip this weekend to make sure I had uninterrupted access to the app while traveling and so he pulled out his phone to add a reminder. While married, he used our joint gmail calendar for all reminders and he would have the event send an e-mail to remind him. This cluttered up our e-mail terribly and I asked him many times to use our calendar for events only and not reminders. I showed him multiple times the reminder app on his phone yet he still resisted. This was years of annoyances for me.
So you can only imagine the rage that filled me when I watched him open the reminder app to add this reminder. I asked him why he wasn't putting it on his calendar and he said something about not liking the e-mail reminders. All these years I put up with this annoyance when he didn't even like it either. Was he doing it just to spite me? Otherwise, why?
And then I thought back to his decision on an apartment when we separated this fall. He hated noise. He complained about footsteps above us. He complained about people in the courtyard. He complained about dogs barking. He complained about street noise. And so we always had to very carefully pick our apartment. It had gotten to the point where he would only accept a top floor apartment in a quiet interior courtyard. This really limited our options as we apartment hunted plus it always made me feel guilty for wanting to live downtown where noise was inevitable. We even followed these guidelines any time we had the option of choosing our hotel rooms.
Well when he moved out, he chose a first floor apartment (so noise above him) facing the pool courtyard (there can't be anything quiet about that courtyard).
I thought there was another example of this recently that is currently escaping me. It just makes me question why I bothered to accommodate him and whether there was ANYTHING he accommodated me on? Has he been this selfish all along and I just missed it? Or was he hoping to piss me off enough to get me to divorce him so that he didn't have to do it? Did my love for him really blind me this much as to who he really was?
I need to release the rage. I'm sure it is amplified today as I always experience rage and fear over the election results. I need to remind myself that I entered this marriage with good intentions and I put my best foot forward throughout every step. I consistently gave him the benefit of the doubt as is so important in a loving relationship. I respected him. I acted with integrity. I'm not saying I was perfect but I was committed to being the best partner I could be and growing and mature to do better every day. And that is all any of us can ask for.
I can't control him and his behavior. And I'm not responsible for his behavior even as I face consequences from being the collateral damage. All I can do is focus on being my best self and making the best decisions I can that are both good for me as well as kind and compassionate to those around me. So let me take in a deep breath and slowly release it.
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