I read Carolyn Hax's advice column in the Washington Post. Today's letter was about a husband who is an aggressive driver. Some letters hit home closer than others and today's was an example of that.
I am in the middle of my second long-road trip by myself since the divorce. One thing I have noticed is how much more peaceful the drive is without him. I knew his driving and response to other drivers affected me, it was a perpetual argument of ours, but I didn't fully realize exactly how much.
My ex-husband had a lot of pride in the excellent driving skills he felt he had. And sure, he can maneuver the car well and has great spatial awareness. But he didn't anticipate other drivers' actions well and he let his emotions take over when he reacted to how others drove. His aggression and anger would come out the second another driver around him did anything he didn't agree with. There were many times I felt unsafe and I told him that on multiple occasions, including times where we were away from the car and I thought emotions were lower.
He would accuse me of not being on his side if I didn't verbally agree with his anger at another driver. In the end, this was on example he gave of a way I didn't validate his feelings. What I realize now that got lost in that moment was the important feelings that really needed validation - my feelings of being unsafe.
Over time, I learned to cope by burying myself in my phone while he drove so that I just couldn't see it all and would have an excuse not to participate but then he just accused me of being on my phone too much in the car. He wanted me present with him but he wasn't willing to create a safe environment for me to do that. In the end, he blamed me for my reaction to his aggressive and unsafe driving.
So with each passing day, as I find more and more peace, I find it impossible not to compare experiences to now vs when he was by my side. It's giving me a lot of clarity in why this marriage was actually very bad for me and how he didn't have my best interests at heart going back a lot of years.
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