Lack of emotion

I sat down with my ex-husband in a conference room at our apartment complex for about an hour and a half today.  I hadn't seen him in four weeks, since the day I handed him my set of keys to our old apartment after we had spent the day cleaning it.

There was no emotion in him.  He commented that he didn't expect the divorce to be signed this fast so that we would have more time to do all this.  I asked him if he thought everything this year happened so fast to give him whiplash like it had given me.  He hesitated, as clearly it had not.  And there were absolutely no emotions present today.  It felt like a business meeting not the dissolution of an almost two decade marriage.  It's as if he is glad to be rid of me.

I get that he is likely avoiding.  That's what he does best.  I'm sure there are emotions of some sort he has so deeply buried that they will stay buried until the wrong moment when they bubble up in a way that comes with consequences.

I swear he documented every single word that was said by either of us.  I think he spent more time typing than he did actually separating accounts.  I have a lengthy e-mail to prove it.

He specifically had that he would change his log in information on Hulu on the two page typed list of things to do.  And then when I pushed back against that one and requested that I be allowed to continue to have access to it as long as it was paid for by the grandfathered cell phone plan he got to keep (that I had to lose).  I pointed out he not only has a cheaper phone bill (with a better plan) because of that grandfathered plan but on top of that had free access to Hulu.  

Then he was worried I would charge things within the Hulu account.  I asked him what exactly he thought I was going to charge and what I had done to betray his trust at all.  I have been so honest and transparent throughout this process and incredibly fair to him despite how he treated me and how dishonest he has been with me that this accusation really hit me.  And then suddenly it was all moot as he logged in and saw that his credit card wasn't even on file with Hulu as the billing just says it is paid for by the cell phone company.  So I still get access to Hulu.

We still have to get together one more time to go to a couple of places to make changes to assets.  So I'll have to go through this again.

Do you know how painful it is to look someone in the eye who you invested decades in and loved dearly and have them look back at you like you are nothing?  And it doesn't help that I have made clear to him that the explanations he have given me have not been enough to give me any real closure, yet he has done nothing to self-reflect and try to better articulate his reasons to help me with that closure.  That shows such a disregard for someone else's feelings and such a lack of empathy - to care that little about how the way you are leaving that significant of a relationship is so negatively affecting the other person.

I know, when people show you who they are, you should believe them.   And trust me I do.  But that doesn't make the heartbreak any less.  That doesn't fix the trust that he shattered.  How could I be this wrong about someone?  How could I give this much of a benefit of the doubt to someone who hasn't deserved it for so long and maybe never deserved it?