Disconnect

As I try to process the divorce and my grief associated with it, I feel like I'm doing a puzzle with some extra challenges.  Some of the pieces are obvious.  They represent objective facts and the pieces of my perspective that I feel comfortable with.  Some of them are completely missing - my ex-husband has them because they represent the parts he never told me.  And some of them have been distorted or covered up because that is what our mind does sometimes - those pieces are spending a lot of time tumbling around in my brain.  Sometimes I have an epiphany or find a journal entry that gives clarity to one of those pieces and allows me to fit in the puzzle.  But sometimes I think those pieces can get even more distorted or obscured as my mind works on them.  And I might even at times think I've gained some clarity on a piece only to later realize it is in the wrong place because I didn't quite get it right yet.

Today I stumbled upon a subfolder (it was buried a couple down and hidden) in my e-mail called "Love".  In it were countless e-mails from my ex-husband filled with so many loving messages.  And these weren't messages someone just pretend and make up.  They were heartfelt, detailed, and talked of dreams and the life we were living.  

In one series, we went back and forth about a pair of ducks that were spending time in our yard.  The ducks were always together, the male following the female around.  My ex would always comment that they were just like us and so on various mornings if one of us spotted them after the other had already left for work, we would share those experiences in these e-mails.

Then there were the e-mails of all the research I did for his Dad - related to nursing homes, estate planning attorneys, questions to ask to advocate for him, etc. and my ex's appreciation for that work.

And then there was one where he said his barber (who has cut his hair forever) who told him he was really lucky because he married a "smart perfect woman" and he told me he agreed.

I just can't believe he made all this up.  He had to have felt something.  So what the hell happened in 2024?  What changed?

The e-mails stop in 2019.  I don't think that is because the messages themselves stopped.  At some point, we got better cell reception at work and switched to text messages.  

So as I process what I saw in just a sampling of those e-mails, I find myself taking a few pieces out that I think I might have originally put in the wrong places but not really having any new pieces to put in.

The things we do for a man

I've always been a bit unconventional.  When my ex-husband first met me, I did not regularly shave my legs.  I prefer the soft hair over the prickles that so quickly grow in and I hate the time it takes.  It's also harsh on my skin.  So despite society's expectations and my grandmother's horror when she saw me wear a dress with unshaved legs, I was just me.

Then I met my ex-husband.  He didn't ever complain about the hair on my legs or explicitly tell me he wanted me to shave them.  But I could tell he wasn't crazy about them.  So I shaved them and I could really tell how much he appreciated smooth legs.

And that's what I continued to do for 20 years.

So when he told me he wanted a divorce, I stopped shaving.  It was an easy decision.  I had never done that for myself.  It had always been just for him.

As the months have passed since the separation, I have discovered other things I did just because it is what he wanted.  I believe this happens to a certain extent even in healthy relationships.  We make compromises.  We care enough about someone else to want to incorporate their preferences in our life.

But was it balanced?  If I asked him today, could he list specific things he did for 20 years that he wouldn't have otherwise just for me?  I'm not sure he could.

And is something relating to my body that doesn't even actually affect him, one of those things I should have given in on so completely?

Just running through my normal routines, these are some of the changes I have made now that I am single that better align with my preferences.

• I don't watch TV. (It used to be on almost all waking hours.)
• I read so much more. (I struggled to focus on reading because of the TV noise.)
• I eat completely different vegetables, have a whole section of my fridge for pickles and olives, and don't worry about my breath if I want to eat garlic. (The only veggies he ever seemed to eat were broccoli and cauliflower and he hated my garlic breath so much I avoided a food I love.)
• I eat when I'm hungry without regard for the time.  (Dinner was always right at 5:30 while we watched the evening news.)
• I let my pans air dry in the still residually warm oven.  (He used to hate when I did that.)
• I open the windows a lot.  (We never opened the windows because he didn't like the noise.)
• I get up earlier and often go to bed earlier.
• I have had the same car for the past year and a half.  (He would switch ours out about every six months or so.  He has already traded his car in since the divorce despite getting the newer of the two in the settlement.)
• And as was the focus of this post, I don't shave my legs.

And those are just the things that quickly come to mind.  My gut says there was plenty more.  What would his list look like?  

Resilience against triggers

I woke up this morning and saw an e-mail in our joint e-mail account (it's taking some time to make sure 2 decades of accounts have been updated to a new e-mail address) that said my husband's credit score had increased.  That is at least the second one I've seen this year.  

Mine has only decreased since the divorce, likely because I had to close my oldest credit card (one that predates our marriage).  I made the mistake of adding him as a secondary account holder early in our marriage so was left with no option but to close it altogether when the divorce happened.

I had my moment of a flash of anger as so much about this divorce has felt unfair.  I seemed to disproportionately bear the consequences of his decisions.

But then I took a deep breath and reminded myself this isn't one of those things I can control so it isn't worth my time or energy.  So I got on with my shower, got ready, and sat down to enjoy my first cup of coffee.

Strength

My strength comes from a quiet resistance.  It's the phrase that came to mind when I thought about how well I am coping with the chaos in my job but I really think it applies on a much larger scale.

I'm a practicing a patience where I pause when told to jump instead of asking "how high?", a patience that I don't think was always there.  It's that pause that is the quiet resistance.  It's that ability to hold back a reaction until it all has sunk in a bit further, that chance to actually think clearly about the best move forward.

It probably won't change the outcome.  My husband's still going to be clueless or avoidant (or maybe a little of both).  My employer might still terminate my employment.  But in the end I will have walked through these moments in time with integrity and feel comfortable with the decisions I made and how they shaped my future.

That really all sounds so abstract but I feel like putting words (no matter how abstract) to describe the process I was taking grounded me today.  It made me see what was well within my control so that I could focus on that.

The last nine months have really sucked!  To be hit with a divorce without warning or much of an explanation and then go to through what my employer and company is going through in today's political climate all in that short time would be enough to make me curl up in a ball in bed and never get out again.  But I chose not to and to see the growth in me happening on an hourly basis is just wild.  To watch my perspectives and processing change and mature so radically in ways that move me forward is so intriguing.

Unresolved Conflict

I think I understand why seeing him on Saturday unnerved me.  It feels like part of a dynamic during our marriage over an issue he wasn't willing to talk about.  He would find some way to avoid the conflict.  Sometimes he would turn the TV on or go play a video game.  Other times, he would turn it around on me.  And sometimes he would tell me what I wanted to hear but not follow through.  And then he would become all friendly and loving as if nothing had happened at all.  

In the earlier days of our marriage, it infuriated me.  He wanted to hug and cuddle when all I wanted to do was finish the conversation.  And then I think it just became normal and a bit more subdued.  He wouldn't try as hard to try and win me over with over-the-top loving gestures but he would still go on as if nothing had happened.

In a post a few days ago, I outlined our last interactions.  We never finished any conversation about why he wanted a divorce.  I eventually just gave up and figured I never was going to get a rational explanation so let the divorce happen.

So when he was so quick with a smile for me (and today he is liking my Instagram post), it felt like he was just pretending nothing had happened despite the unresolved conflict still simmering under the surface.

I hope he is not back on this idea of wanting to be friends.  He tried to push that as we were in the middle of separating.  I can't be friends with someone who just pretends the under-the-surface unresolved conflict isn't there.  I can't be friends with someone who can't take accountability for their actions. I can't be friends with someone who can't explain to me why we divorced.

I saw him today.

I went for a walk at my local park, sat on my therapy bench, and did two loops around the park.  And on my way back to my apartment, I walked into our main building to check my mail as I had seen the mail truck leaving earlier.  And there he was heading in to talk to someone in our leasing office.  He had a smile for me and said "hi".  It just felt weird.  I muttered "hi" back and continued on my way.

I think back to our last three interactions.

September 29 - We spent much of the day cleaning out the apartment.  I remember sitting on the floor of our marital bathroom with tears flowing down my cheeks as I sorted all our toiletries and bathroom stuff, making piles for mine, his, and garbage.  (I wrote a poem about this moment - see my October 1 post.)  Honestly, I felt a lot of resentment in the moment.   I was having to move out because of him so I didn't understand why he wasn't taking over as much of the sorting and cleaning as he could.  But I wasn't willing to speak up because I wanted to show I was taking the higher road.  And he kept offering me things I couldn't take.  I remember that by the last 4 or 5  loads of stuff I carted out of there, I no longer had any idea where I was going to put the stuff.  He was moving into a one bedroom apartment.  I was moving into a 500 square foot studio.  He just didn't get it.  And then there was an awkward goodbye, tears, and a hug as I handed him my keys.

October 26 - The divorce was signed on October 21 and so this was our meeting to divide the last of our assets.  We sat in a conference room at our apartment complex across the table from each other.  I knew it would be emotional for me so I had spent the morning walking including experiencing the labyrinth downtown.  He handed me a two page typed list of what he thought we needed to do, although there were several things on that list he had not bothered to figure out.  He was completely emotionless.  I felt like I was a taxpayer being examined for audit.  I let him lead but chimed in on a few things that really mattered to me.  I asked him if he thought this had all happened so fast to give him whiplash.  He paused and said "no".  I didn't respond any further.  I was done explaining myself and how horribly he had treated me.

November 6 - I remember being irritated that he was trying to push for times and days to do this that didn't work well for me.  The day I finally gave in on was still not ideal but I made it work.  I met him at the bank because they needed me present to sign off on the savings joint savings account he was going to take over.  And then we walked to the Department of Revenue at the courthouse to sign over our titles to each other and apply for new titles.  I had already changed my name on my driver's license but the name change caused some problems with the title application so it took a little extra time.  I remember muttering that this is what I have been dealing with for my name change.  He disappeared somewhere in the courthouse after we were done so he didn't have to walk out the door with me.  Again, he was completely emotionless.

So although I've seen glimpses of him (we live in the same apartment building), I guess it has been 3.5 months since we have come face to face.  I don't know how he is doing.  I don't know why he would have such an easy smile for me.  Is it possible he could be that oblivious to the damage he caused and the time it would take me to heal?  Or is he just trying to pretend everything is normal because that is what he has always done?

What do I want my life to look like?

My therapist asked me this question last night.  I didn't have an answer for her in the moment but I think that was more because I hadn't yet put into words my vision and less about not having a vision.

I want to continue in my career.  I'm passionate about what I do and want to continue to expand my skills. But I recognize that given our current climate, that might not be possible, at least in the ways I want it to be.  And I'm okay with that.  I've pivoted through major career changes before and continued to grow each time and I can do it again, if that is what it comes to.

I want to grow as a person, lean into authenticity, find more ways to give back, continue to strengthen my communication skills, and better connect with people around me.  I'm taking steps in that journey through my relationships through my church, classes like Improv, and working with a therapist to get my mind in the right space to support this growth.

I want a balanced social life.  I'm an introvert that needs time alone but who also gains so much from connections with others.  Choir and church are part of that.  It would be nice to on a fairly regular basis, add something else to that.  Right now, that something else is an Improv class.  There may be other classes, activities, or groups I try in the months and years to come in that same vein.  I'm also really working towards building friendships with people I am meeting through work, church, etc.

I want to continue to connect with nature, to get out and hike more, visit more gardens, bird watch, etc.  This feeds my spiritual needs in a way that goes beyond what my church does.  It also is my creative inspiration for my photography and writing, both of which I want to prioritize.

I want to travel.  I want to see new places.  I have some trips planned with family coming up but I also want to head out on my own.  I think solo travel teaches you so much.  I would love to work up the nerve to land in a city like Paris or Madrid and explore a city like that completely on my own.

I want to continue to save in hopes that I might still be able to retire at the age of 60.  I may have to tweak this goal a little bit over the years because I don't want this to be at the expense of living now but I would really like to still feel young and able to do a lot when I enter retirement.

And finally, I want to be happy with myself and living alone such that I only add a partner to my life if I meet someone who truly adds something really positive.

Two Questions

I kind of wish I could sit down one more time and talk to him now that we both have some distance from what happened. I recognize that I probably wouldn’t get the answers that I think would help me move forward. I’m going to have to do that on my own. But maybe I would gain a nugget of information that would be helpful. 

At this point in my processing, I think these are the questions I would want to ask.

1. Was it worth it?  Did the divorce give you what you hoped it would?  It would be nice to know that my pain wasn’t in vain.  Although I think I’m starting to see the positive for me with the end of this marriage so maybe I don’t actually need this from him.  But I still really care about him and I really hope that he doesn’t find himself living with regret over this decision. 

2. Do you see any ways you could have handled it that would have been kinder?  The hardest part for me has been the fact that he didn’t care enough to even try to talk to me before it got to the point he couldn’t overcome the resentment. To not even know how unhappy he was until it was too late destroyed any sense of trust and makes me question the whole relationship. And then for him to go so cold as he buried his emotions made it so much worse.   Add on top of that the fact that he refused to even consider what he may have done wrong and instead tried to blame the dissolution of our marriage entirely on me. There were just so many chances he had to be a bit kinder to me.

I don’t know if such a conversation would be worth it. If he acknowledged the harm he did and took accountability for it, it might help me not doubt my judgment about him so much. But is that really a likely outcome?

On the other hand, he may still have not done any self-reflection and feel justified in his actions.  In which case, I’d be left with confirmation that he is as awful as he showed me to be over the last year and it would just make me continue to question my judgment. 

Contradictions

 I ended a Facebook post with the following questions:

"How can there be so much joy and horror in the same world? How can my tears and laughter occupy the same space?"

There's the high of the retreat, the confidence I'm gaining in Improve class, the woman from church who reached out to invite me to wine and cheese, the energy of a church choir practice, the man who I pass daily in the park who introduced himself as Johnny, and so much more positive in my life.

And then there is the uncertainty of my job.  The cuts running through my ex-husband's agency this week which I expect directly affect him (although not his employment status) which make my heart feel very heavy.  The very real pain and grief I still feel from the way I was discarded by that same ex-husband.  And the broader way, this administration is making decisions with very real negative consequences for so many people.

Some days I don't know how to make sense of such contradictions.  I'm amazed and confused at my capacity to move through such extreme emotions almost simultaneously.  

And it goes beyond just emotions to thoughts.  How can I miss my ex-husband so much and feel such loss yet recognize the incredible good that has come from the divorce?

Life is so complex.  Don't listen to the people who try to explain things in black and white terms.

Dissonance

The space between sadness and joy, between empathy and anger, between stillness and chaos, between understanding and confusion, between tears and laughter, etc. seems so great these days while at the same time occupying the same moments.  It creates such a dissonance that's hard to reconcile.  

I just got back from a church retreat.  On the first night, the first time they played the weekend's theme song, tears rolled down my face which I tried to discretely wipe away as I stood in a crowded room of people.  The message spoke directly into my soul about the newness created within me every day.

I boldly stepped onto the stage in front of a crowd of 100+ people and sang the song Stand (Rascal Flatts) karaoke the second night.  The cheers, the clapping, the spotlight on me threatened to overwhelm me and propelled me forward all at the same time.  Such a surreal experience it was and watching back a video someone took of me, it's hard to even see myself in it.  A year ago, if I had attended this same retreat, I would have sat at the edge of the room, invisible, ready to escape to bed when I had had enough.  I definitely wouldn't have gotten up on stage.

I talked to so many wonderful people, one of which I especially connected with.  I mostly sat at tables where I felt included and welcome.  Only once did I find myself at a table that overwhelmed me and made me feel invisible.

And let me tell you about the swinging bridge!  Yesterday afternoon, I went for about an hour and a half hike by myself.  I started out while everyone else was playing games so had the trails completely to myself.  It was only as I was leaving that I saw other people starting to trickle that way.  I came upon a swinging bridge across a muddy, fast moving river.  I have also had a fear of heights and especially swinging bridges which don't feel stable at all.

I hesitated on the near side of the river and then I stepped up onto the bridge.  I made my way to the center and paused to let the bridge stop swaying from the movement of my walk.  I gazed down the river as I contemplated my next move.  Something inside of me told me I needed to sit with this bridge a bit so I lowered myself and sat on the bridge with my legs dangling over.  The wind picked up at that moment and started to sway the bridge.  I swallowed my fear and stayed with the moment.  

After some time had passed, I got up and continued across the river.  At the other end was a ladder to get down to the bank which made me hesitate only a moment.  I then continued along muddy, slippery trails to find a secluded waterfall before eventually making me way back to that same swinging bridge to cross back over.

I'm back from the retreat now sitting in my favorite (well only) chair looking out at the life around my apartment.  As I reflect on the weekend, I feel different.  I'm not sure I even yet understand the full impact of the discussions I took part in and the connections I made.  At one point, we discussed the stages of a faith journey - Order, Disorder, and Re-order.  It seemed so relevant to my life beyond just my religious beliefs and faith.  I feel like my entire life was disordered over the past year.  I'm trying to make sense of it all, to unravel beliefs (about myself, about relationships, about God) that may need unraveling.  I'm trying to find me in the midst of chaos.

I've done a quick scan of the news and federal worker threads.  The mass illegal terminations of probationary federal employees that started last week continued over the weekend.  My ex-husband's agency is rumored to be one of the next.  I haven't seen my agency yet on the list but when I read that it made it to air traffic controllers, I will admit I lost any remaining sliver of hope that my agency will come out unscathed.  

I didn't have consistent access to the internet at the retreat so only had a chance to check once or twice but this dark cloud was hanging over me, over all of us at the retreat.  We will all feel the consequences in some way.

I will admit that I felt a bit nervous pulling my Tesla into the parking lot at the camp.  There's too much black and white thinking in our society right now.  I felt some relief when I saw at least one other.  And ironically, I discovered this morning that the driver of the other is the woman I connected most with all weekend.  As the retreat was ending we briefly talked about the dissonance we feel over our car ownership.

This whole political climate just adds another layer of chaos on top of what I am already experiencing.  It all feels so personal even though my rational mind knows none of it is personal - there's another example of that dissonance.  

What would he say if he saw me now?

Happy hour after work, Improv classes, social events out, a busy calendar....  After he called it quits, yet while we were still sharing an apartment, he made note of some of the things I had started doing and commented about how this is what he had wanted for us as a couple.  He told me he had wanted more of a social life.  He seemed jealous that I was moving on to do exactly what he wanted to do.  Yet he had not even at that point made any steps to do the same for himself.

It's funny though, not once did he ever mention that while we were still together.  Not once did he ever suggest going out and doing these things.  He had made no effort to make friends or join social groups.  And he hadn't embraced the social opportunities that I had found through my church.  (I'm not saying church was necessarily the answer for what he wanted but it was at least my way of bringing a social life to us.)

He actually blamed me for our lack of a social calendar.  Like I was supposed to not only read his mind but also do all the work to create a social life for us.

I guess the joke is on him.  If he had actually learned to communicate, he probably would have had the life and relationship he wanted.  

The rain

My colleagues have been complaining non-stop about the rain.  My ex is probably complaining about the rain to whoever will listen to him.  But I just don't want to hear it.  I don't want to think about my ex's complaints.

The rain washes away my tears.  It cleanses. It makes me slow down as I leave my scooter at home and commute by foot.  It brings out the robins that are now flocking as they prepare to migrate.  It steadies my heartbeat as I listen to it beat against the windows.  It provides cover when I reach my break point and nourishes me to get back up when I'm ready.

Improv

You should have seen have me!  We did a few silly but lower-key activities first like pointing at someone and responding with a "yes" and then throwing an imaginary knife between us.  

But then he asked who had done a monologue.  I, of course, did not raise my hand.  Introverted me who isn't a fan of the spotlight tries not to put myself in a position where I'm giving a monologue.  In a circle of all 27 of us, he started as the person in the middle.  The instructions were that the person in the middle would give a monologue somehow remotely connected to something the previous person said and then anyone could tag them out and give their own monologue.

I wasn't the first.  I'm not quite that bold.  But I was in the first third.  As soon as someone said something about flying like a bird, I stepped right in and talked about the birds that sang outside my window waking me up in the morning.  And before I knew it, I had given my first monologue!

I don't know if I was any good or if I just rambled but that wasn't the point.  It was to get out there, step out of my comfort zone, let loose a bit.  And I did that!

I may not be able to make any sense of what my ex did to me and I am still struggling to accept it (something I'm going to try therapy again to work through) but, if I can give a monologue to a group of strangers, I can do anything!

Changing my attitude

I really hit a low over the past week.  The tears that rolled down my cheeks as I walked to work on Friday seemed a culmination of the physical and mental anguish of the week.  Twice people reminded me that I just have to change my attitude and look for the joy.  And in each of those moments I felt even more alone as I realized how little people truly understood what I was going through.

If you have watched me closely over the last nine months or read this blog from start to finish, you would know how well I understand the importance of attitude and how good I have gotten at looking for the joy and working on changing my perspective and attitude.  I am a walking, living, breathing example of that philosophy.  

But I am only human.  I can only take so much before I break.  And I have reached that breaking point.  

I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me last year and then I have been repeatedly kicked (with no end in sight to that kicking) while I have been down and am still down.  I have been betrayed by my ex-husband, my fellow citizens, my government, and my employer.  And I feel a sense of betrayal with my closest friend who cancels more than she shows up and has been essentially missing-in-action from any of the support I could really use.

The uncertainty of my job just triggers the abandonment I feel from my ex-husband as I face this world alone.  And that just brings back up the very cruel way he discarded me as if I were trash.

So when I hit my lowest moment I don't need to be reminded to change my attitude.  I'm exhausted from changing my attitude.  I just want someone to hold me while I cry and for people to consistently show up for me.  Regular phone calls from my very supportive parents have been a God send but I really need more than just their support.

Why me?

I'm exhausted.
I'm beaten down.

I've been let down by so many I don't know who to count on.

I feel so alone as the world burns around me.

Why me?

Leaning into Beautiful Moments like this

As I watch the sun set on this pretty terrifying week in our country, it is such a beautiful day that I have both patio doors open. The brewery across the street is active with music playing, people conversing at the tables outside, and children running and playing. And so I sit here in my comfortable chair looking out and listening to all the signs of life. 

And earlier today I was finally able to spot perched on a power line the Carolina Wren that so consistently sings for me and seems to accompany me through these challenging months.

Now that the sun has set, a crescent moon smiles down at all the life below.

Maybe my superpower is being able to lean into these beautiful moments amidst the most trying times.  I think it's moments like this and my ability to appreciate them that keep me going.

And I think moments like this are a reminder that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.