Society's expectations to pair up

Society expects people to pair up, especially women.  There's a growing percentage of women pushing back against that expectations and it is starting to become more accepted but they still face a lot of pushback and criticism.  

In the past year, the question has come up as to whether I will date or even marry again.  Other people have brought it up or even outright asked.  It's come up in the processing I've done to learn what went wrong in hopes of not repeating it.  And it's come up in therapy.

And at first I just wanted to pour into myself and not worry about what was next.  But as I gain more confidence in who I am and start to dream of a future, I find it incredibly difficult to visualize it including someone else.

In talking about this with my therapist this evening, my takeaway was that I need to reflect on whether this is my avoidant traits coming out because I fear getting hurt again or is this a move towards better aligning myself with who I am, someone who probably leans quite asexual.  

My crushes as a teenager were always people who were unattainable - a teacher, a celebrity, that boy I saw across the pool once when I was out of town who I created an entire persona around, someone I met at a folk fare and never saw again, etc.

I've never in my life sought out a romantic relationship.  The few that have come my way have come unexpectedly.  With my ex-husband I didn't even see our first date as a date, although I'm pretty sure he did.  I was a virgin when I met my now ex-husband not because I was saving myself but because I wasn't interested in sex.

I just don't see a sex partner as a need to have or even a nice to have.  I've always seen sex as an expectation of a romantic relationship, not a benefit.  Could that change with just the right partner?  Sure.  I don't live in absolutes.  Life has surprised me more than once.

So what about the rest that goes with a romantic relationship?  All the other roles?  This year has shown me that I can fill those either by myself or through a community of friends and family.  Over and over, I've found I can actually fill those roles better alone than I could with my ex-husband.  Now, I recognize that won't necessarily be the case in a relationship with someone different.  Am I hesitating because of my experience with my ex-husband or am I trying to be me even if it means pushing back against societal expectations?

One thing that really gives me hope is the way I dove headfirst into friendships this past year.  I've been burned by my share of friendships over the years and I know it has held me back in the past.  But it's not holding me back right now.  I'm being vulnerable and investing in these relationships even though I realize they might let me down someday.  I'm not letting fear hold me back from the rewards of emotional intimacy and connection.

So with the caveat that I know I am not the best predictor of my future behavior (as humans we are terrible at that), I believe that if the right person walked in front of me, I would give it a chance.