Running away vs towards something

I had a conversation in therapy last night about the distinction between running away from something vs running towards something that triggered a memory and got me thinking.  A little over 22 years ago, when I was dating my now ex-husband before we had moved in together, I wrote in a journal entry about how I wanted to stop running away from things.  I was in my car, on the road to his college town to spend the weekend with him, fighting the instinct to turn around and go back home to my own college.  I don't know why I was panicking in that moment.  But I saw that day as my chance to make a change and run towards him instead of running away.

In hindsight, I wonder if I was truly running towards him though or if this was more about my desire to stop running away from things.  A pattern I thought I could stop by just doing the opposite without taking the time to figure out if the opposite was really in line with what was best for me.  My journal entry seemed pretty short and dismissive of my fears so it makes me wonder.

There are some times in my life where I do really feel like I was running away.  I chose a college far enough away from home that I couldn't easily come home for a weekend.  I was trying to get away from my parents.  I've come across journal entries where I pushed friends away in college (and in hindsight I probably did this in high school some too).  I was running away from getting too close to people.

In my marriage, I really think a driving force for our move south was running away from his mom.  I followed his lead on that - he was clearly running away from his mom and the demands she was putting on him.  But I also was anxious to put some distance between her and us.

I also think there were a lot of times in my marriage where I was neither running away from something nor towards something, instead I was making the most of where the wind blew me, reacting to what he wanted.  That was probably most, if not all, of my marriage.

This last year has been different though.  It definitely started with me making the most of where the wind had blown me.  That was a really good place to start.  But I'm now making intentional decisions, big and small, that are leading to a future I'm running towards, maybe for the first time ever.

And I emphasize the word intentional.  This isn't just about doing the opposite of running away.  It is about evaluating what is truly in line with the future I want.  And so at times there has been a nagging thought in the back of my head warning me not to move to Atlanta just because I want to create space between my ex-husband and me which has encouraged me to reflect on the many reasons why such a move supports the future I'm running towards.  Putting some distance between him and me would really just be an added bonus.

I'll admit it is really scary sometimes.  But it is also really exciting.  And there is more purpose to my life now.  I have a vision that is clearer than it has ever been.  Every step I take to work towards that vision helps me feel more and more me.