Identity and Labels

I hate labels.  They box me in and limit me.  They come with expectations and judgment if I don't live up to those expectations, not that I pay all that much attention to others' judgments of me.  It feels awkward though to have to find ways to explain to loved ones when I evolve beyond a label, although that awkwardness is likely more just my own perceptions.  

I remember in high school when I started to understand my attraction towards girls, there weren't a lot of ways to describe what I was experiencing and so I played with the label "lesbian."  But as soon as I got kind of comfortable with that label in early adulthood, I became attracted to a man.  It was then weird taking him home to my parents or introducing him to my college friends after I had dated a woman the summer before.  I kind of just sidestepped those conversations and fortunately it became a non-issue.  

But I always wondered what I would say to the pastor I had confided in as a teenager, if I ever were to encounter him again.  We had sat down to so many good conversations about our faith and sexuality.  I influenced him and he gave me space for my voice.  I always wondered what he would think if he knew I married a man after all those conversations.

That wasn't the first time though I felt constrained with labels.  As a child, I wasn't outgoing enough.  I wasn't girly enough.  I wasn't "normal."  I was generally comfortable in my own skin but hated how I constantly had to push against the labels.

So here I am.  Divorced.  (I guess that's a label in and of itself.)  And I'm trying to figure out where to go from here.  Do I enter the dating scene?  If I do, am a heterosexual, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, etc.?  Or maybe even asexual?  With my hairy legs and armpits and lack of makeup and an extensive skincare routine, do I even still qualify as woman?  Do I need labels?  

Where I seem to be settling is that I strongly feel like a woman who is very gender fluid in how I fit (and don't fit) into that stereotype.  And I suspect I lean more asexual than anything although I'm not willing to rule out a deeper relationship with a male, female, non-binary, or trans individual, if just the right person crossed my path.  Sometimes I fantasize about a deep emotional, maybe even romantic, yet not sexual relationship with someone.  I don't know if that even exists.

I guess what still keeps me from dipping my toes in the treacherous dating scene is the fact that I'm not sure anything is missing that I can't get from continuing to build my community of friends.  So for now, I'm just going to be me.  And I'm going to lean into the fluidity of not feeling like I have to put a label on myself.