Last week Thursday, he added his girlfriend to a cruise scheduled for February and paid off that cruise which resulted in a series of e-mails to one of those joint accounts. I wrote about that in this post. Those e-mails are still sitting in the inbox today of our joint account.
Since then, he has taken the time to delete the Walgreens receipt where he bought cosmetic products for his girlfriend and the series of Zillow e-mails where he looked at a property in Wisconsin. But he left those cruise e-mails. It feels like he wants me to see them, like he wants to see if he can rub salt in wounds.
My recent reflections have made me wonder how intentional his behaviors were during our marriage. I honestly am starting to wonder where he falls far on the narcissistic spectrum. So in light of these thoughts, this feels intentional.
It also makes me think back to that Friday morning after my family cruise on the ship where we were married when I saw him on his patio with his new girlfriend. I had a passing thought that it was intentional - he knew exactly when I left for work but dismissed that thought quickly. I wonder if I shouldn't have dismissed it so quickly.
But maybe the last laugh is on him. Seeing these e-mails doesn't create jealousy in me. It doesn't make me miss him. It doesn't even remind me of the good in our marriage.
A four night cruise is barely a vacation compared to 28 days of cruising I have booked for the next two years plus a week and a half trip to national parks and time in both Paris and London. It doesn't compare the full community of friends I have built. It doesn't compare to the interest the Atlanta district has in me should they ever be able to hire more staff. It doesn't compare to the confidence I have gained in Improv, hip hop, poetry workshops, and more. I have created a life infinitely better than the one we had together.
The effect of seeing this is not about him at all. It's a reminder of the way he manipulated me and how he is now doing the same to his next victim. It is a feeling of empathy for her. And if he is still feeling the need to try and hurt me, it reflects an emptiness that is still in him. I wasn't the cause of his unhappiness. He did that himself and will continue to do that himself until he actually puts in the work to heal. A new girlfriend or a new car or a trip to the Bahamas won't fix that.
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