I love you

This weekend I participated in a women's retreat at my church.  The theme was Embodied focusing on our relationships with our bodies.  A lot of reflections came out of the sessions and conversations with other women so I doubt this will be my last post on the topic.  Nor is it my first post on this topic.  A big part of my evolution over the last year and a half has related to my relationship with my body.  So this retreat was really timely.

The journaling session this afternoon reminded me of something I don't think I've ever written about.  Every night before we fell asleep for over two decades, I said the words "I love you."  It was a habit that was impossible to break and not having that routine was one of the most painful parts of the early days of the separation.  

So I never stopped.  In the silence of my new apartment,  I would verbalize those words each night before I drifted off.  I don't know who they were aimed at in the beginning.  My love for him (or the illusion of him) didn't just magically end when we separated.  So I suspect in the very beginning I was still thinking of him as those words crossed my lips.

But pretty quickly that shifted.  It became a nightly ritual to remind myself that I loved me.  

When I realized the shift had happened, it felt a little silly but it also felt really comforting and so I continued.

A year later, I admit that over time my consistency has faded some.  But at least a couple times a week, I still end my night this way.  Those words crossed my lips as recently as last night.