Last summer when it was all still uncertain, I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. My chronic pain was flaring up. I was dealing with night sweats. My period was a bit off. This uncertain transition time really wrecked havoc on my body as if it was one ultimate, final flareup. Mentally I was so confused, heartbroken, and lost. I can't even count the miles I walked throughout my city to try and escape the pain I was experiencing. And it was mental gymnastics to make sense of what my ex-husband was telling me. So little of it made sense to me which I realize now was because he was gaslighting me.
And then in July of last year when he told me he was done and started contacted attorneys, I still wasn't eating or sleeping but my energy level went through the roof. I suddenly had it in me to socialize and get out in ways I had not in twenty years. Even though he was living in the same apartment as me still, there was a relief in not having to cater to him, soothe him, manage his emotions, etc. that let me reclaim my energy. Mentally, I was alternating between survival as I figured out all the practical next steps and feelings of complete whiplash - what I thought at the time was a good marriage had dissolved overnight without an apparent reason. But despite that mental overload, I was out living life.
Then the joy came back. I danced in the rain. I bought myself inexpensive but meaningful pieces of jewelry. I traveled. I started saying "yes" to anything that I thought might even remotely be interesting or fun. This is where the fun in my journey began. Amidst even the most challenging times I was in awe as I watched myself transform.
Then sometime in the fall my appetite came back and the rapid weight loss plateaued. And I wasn't experiencing many moments of chronic pain anymore.
In November, I drove home to spend a week with my family at Thanksgiving. That first night in my childhood bedroom (although it has been completely redecorated so doesn't feel like the same space I grew up in) was the first night I really slept. And it was the first night of many to come. Although I still occasionally have some restlessness sleeping, I haven't had those sleepless nights of last year since before that November week at home.
And then I realized how infrequently I've needed to take any sort of heartburn medicine since moving out. It used to be that I had to regularly take those 14 day treatments because Tums or Pepcid weren't enough. I haven't needed that in over a year.
And then this past spring and summer, I watched the inhibitions completely fade away as I moved my body in silly ways in Improv and danced in a hip hop cardio class.
My body had come that far. My nervous system had settled down. And yet I was still hanging onto what I thought was the good in him. I was still trying to make sense of what happened by making excuses for him. I did not yet understand that the improvements in my physical health and the soothing of my nervous system were evidence of the damage he had done to me over two decades and my body's way of celebrating his absence.
I still don't think I was there yet when I boarded the ship we had been married on twenty years early this past June.
In late August, I had my annual well woman visit which included a pelvic exam and Pap smear. With my chronic pelvic pain, pelvic exams had generally been quite painful in the past. This was a new provider so I talked with her about my concerns but also that I was aware my chronic pain had been improving since the divorce. She stated that she has seen patients whose pelvic pain significantly improved after a divorce because of the effect of stress. That pelvic exam was painless!
In mid-September, I saw myself in his new girlfriend. I saw the way I physically carried myself. I saw the lack of energy or glow. I saw myself shrink. This was so eye-opening, a huge turning point.
That day, I went back and looked at photos of myself and I was stunned at what I saw. I don't think I ever posted that here. I know I made a Facebook post about it with three photos of me all from late September/early October of the years 20223 (when I thought I had a good marriage), 2024 (after the separation but before the divorce) and 2025. On that post, I labeled them: Oblivious -> Grieving -> Joyful.
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| 2023 - During a solo trip to Washington DC - even a few days away from him didn't re-energize me. |
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| 2024 - at the lantern festival, something I did that was important in my healing |
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| 2025 |
So now we come to today. And if you read my post from last night, my mind has gained so much clarity on the subtle ways he was affecting my nervous system as he encouraged me to shrink myself and conform to the image he had of me. It may have taken a very long time, but I think my mind is finally catching up to what my body knew all along.
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