A Flashback
a flashback to a dealership
in pain I sprawl
stretching on an dirty showroom floor
unconcerned the deal went on
a flashback to a conversation dismissed
a dream of a drastic change
I only had questions
but I was accused of not supporting
a flashback to a vacation in paradise
I planned for him and his mom,
me an afterthought, the third wheel
my efforts unrecognized
a flashback to a gray car
he never forgot, not in two decades
the way I contradicted him
about the color I wanted for my car
a flashback to a balcony I gave up
for an apartment he had to have
that I knew he would hate
I was right and I missed that balcony
a flashback to the school-year visits
that had to be perfect
yet took energy I did not have
he wouldn’t say no
a flashback to the end
I asked for communication, closure
he even had a therapist to help him
yet it wasn’t worth his time
he showed me who he was
two decades ago
yet I did not believe
I took my journal to the Greek restaurant next door this evening and wrote and wrote as I sipped wine and ate good food. (And took a giant slice of chocolate cake home.)
The rose colored glasses are gone and now all I can see are the ways he was so self-absorbed he couldn't even consider my needs. I'm angry at him for the ways he used me and I'm angry at me for ever aligning myself with someone who didn't match my values. I think the chocolate cake will help me get over it though. And I'm loving the fresh air flowing into my apartment this evening.
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