A quiet low moment

In the early morning quiet as I sipped my coffee, my Facebook memories for today came up.  Today was the day I found out the divorce had been finalized and so there is a post about that.  Although I carefully chose my words, I can feel the pain behind them.  I got a little choked up as I felt myself temporarily return to that place.  Even as I recognize how much better off I am and even celebrate it, the way it ended was so cruel and painful.  That pain will probably take time before it no longer hits me in quieter moments like this morning.

Then there is a post with a new profile photo with the caption "Time for a new start, a new photo, and a new name".  I changed my name on Facebook that very day.  Reading it now, it comes across forced.  I wasn't ready.  But I also wasn't willing to wait until I was ready.  I learned last year that sometimes you just have to plunge forward because if you wait, the time will never be right and you will miss it all.

Then below those two memories is a post of him and I dangling our feet in the river in downtown Chattanooga three years ago.  Below that are two posts from five years ago that also include a photo of the two of us taking a walk in our city and ending at one of my favorite restaurants to order sushi burritos.  It was the height of COVID so the restaurant had set up a table outside to take and hand out to-go orders.

It's interesting that when I see these memories, I no longer focus on the disconnect between the then and when it ended.  Instead I wonder about the huge disconnect between my conscious view of our relationship and my body's view of the situation.  My body knew all along it wasn't good.  The signs go back to very early in our marriage.

I may never reconcile how someone I loved so much and saw so much good in could be so cruel but I'm grateful to have been given this opportunity to create something better.