When he suddenly (from my perspective) announced he wanted a divorce last year, we had six cruises booked, several with nonrefundable deposits. He had one foot out the door while he was still spending our money on future trips, he had to know we might not take.
We lost the $400 deposit completely on one that would have happened last week. That's $400 he threw away. But that's not even the one that has me so angry this morning.
We had another one booked that he decided to move the deposit to another cruise. That one had a $500 deposit plus a $100 change fee he paid before we divorced (so I'm pretty sure even that $100 was marital money). In hindsight, we never added this to the balance sheet so this is free money he got. At the time, I figured the money was a loss because I didn't actually believe I would be able to afford to cruise in the timeline it would need to be used by. (I'm really glad I was wrong about that assumption!)
So combined that was $1000 of marital money that was a complete loss to me, money I never would have agreed to spend if he had been honest with me.
Last night and this morning, a slew of e-mails from Celebrity Cruises showed up in one of our joint e-mail accounts. He added his girlfriend to that cruise where he moved the deposit. Almost half the cost of that cruise was paid for with marital money. So in essence, he is using (in part) my money to manipulate his next victim.
And this comes on the heels of information I learned that he took her and her two daughters to see Kamala Harris speak when she was in town last week. He would not have had interest in hearing her speak on his own. He actually disagreed with me about her run the last election. He didn't like to talk politics much so when he spoke up, I feel like those were moments I actually saw the real him. Those were moments that were a break from what I suspect was him mirroring me and what I wanted to hear. So I am quite confident he did this just to impress her, to get her attached so he has a continued source of validation.
And maybe this hits me a bit harder right now because I've been reflecting a lot on the way he mirrored me and the other people in his life. I'm seeing with clarity how much in each varying situation, he tried to become the person that would be liked, chosen, appreciated, validated, etc. without any sincerity or authenticity or true reciprocity. And it bothers me that I didn't see it before. Even if I was blinded by infatuation and immaturity in the beginning to see it in my own relationship with him, it should have become quite clear as I started observing his relationships with others.
As the relationship ended last year and I started making something out my life, I realized he and I were very different in how we responded to life. He lets the wind blow him where it may and complains about where the wind sets him down whereas I pull out my parachute to find some direction and then make something good of wherever I ultimately landed.
I think this difference is also clear in the image he presents to the world. He lets the world decide who he is as currency to extract from others what he needs and wants. Every "gift" he gave was with an expectation of something in return, a way to manipulate others to get what he wanted. In contrast, I stand as my own person, look internally for a lot of what I need and want and have built a community of reciprocal relationships where I don't have to manipulate people to step up. They just do because they like the authentic person I am. And I do the same for them, not expecting anything in return, but just because I like them and care about them.
Getting to the bottom of this blog post, I now feel that my heart rate is returning to normal. It's amazing how my writing can do that. To fill a page with all the negative emotions and organize them in a way I can understand and let go. Re-reading the two paragraphs right above this one, I realize that lost $1000 is so worth what I have gained from losing him. And the integrity that is reflected in my actions and the way I do my best to treat people matters far more. And his girlfriend is an adult who can take care of herself.
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