She then went on to ask if we could go out for lunch on Friday to celebrate. Even if I'm not really investing in the friendship anymore, I still do enjoy spending time with her so I agreed to meet her.
The lunch on Friday felt different though. I could sense she felt guilty about not being there for me. She almost scolded me for not texting her on Tuesday and didn't understand why I didn't want to celebrate my divorce anniversary with friends. I think she recognizes she is no longer my closest circle. This lunch felt a bit like a desperate attempt to hold on.
At one point she referenced talking to her daughter about relationships and waiting to get serious as if that was the cause of my divorce but then went on to say she was torn with that advice because of how lonely she felt when she was single - she married in her 30s.
She repeatedly told me how she has admired how I have handled myself this past year, it's become a repeated refrain each of the times I've seen her. I'm not sure it even feels like a compliment anymore. I have begun to wonder if there is jealousy behind it. It's always followed by something along the lines of "I don't know what I would have done."
I find myself explaining more than I should need to and then when I realize it, pulling back and going quiet. I don't think she intentionally tries to misunderstand me like my ex-husband did but the feeling of being misunderstood feels the same.
She also spent time talking about how overwhelming life is for her. Her kids need this. Her church needs that. Her neighborhood needs this. Her family needs that. And in every single scenario, there is absolutely no one else who can or would step up to do these things that she thinks need to be done. Her husband is clearly exhausted as well as he has started to set limits on how many activities he will help get the kids to (he thinks she signs them up for too much).
We have this same conversation every single time - different obligations she has created for herself but the same overwhelming feeling. And each time, the conversation is no less exhausting as she looks to me for validation, reassurances, encouragement, etc. I reflect, going back six years, as I held her oldest daughter as an infant and successfully soothed her crying, something my friend was struggling with at the time. At the same time, I was reassuring my friend that she was doing a great job as a mom. She has that same exhausting need for repeated validation and so many reassurances my ex-husband demanded.
During Friday's lunch, she leaned on her Enneagram type (3) to excuse her need to be seen as useful and to compete not understanding that the point of the Enneagram isn't to lock into a box of your type but to help you understand how to use your starting point to expand yourself. My ex-husband used the excuse of "this is just how I am".
So I left Friday's lunch feeling unsettled, even a bit triggered. There was a time when I felt so at ease with this friend. From the moment we first met, she felt comfortable. We even did some travel together, first sharing a cabin for a church retreat, then renting a cabin in the Smoky Mountains together.
What if that comfort had less to do with it being a good friendship and more to do with being a parallel to all I knew in my marriage? Something familiar even though it may not have been very healthy. And now that I've come so far in my healing, I feel that old familiar energy interfering with my growth. But it makes me so sad because I really like her as a person.
No comments:
Post a Comment