I used to be so small and invisible

Before the church service starts, after I have put on my choir robe, I find a spot in the balcony to just observe people.  This wonderful older lady who sings next to me often joins me.  Sometimes we talk.  Sometimes we just sit.  

Today I told her about my plans to take myself on a date for my divorce anniversary and she mentioned how far I have come and started talking about the moment last year when I disclosed to her that I was going through a divorce.  She said before that moment, I was just a quiet, introverted person who sat next to her who she didn't actually know.  And so she told me about how she was reacting internally to me suddenly opening up about this as she tried to make sense of what I was saying with the silent woman she had sat next to for months.

That made me think back to the day I opened up to one of my colleagues last year.  I had been present for office gossip conversations.  I had listened to her tell her stories about her mother-in-law and her family.  But I had shared very little of myself.  On that day, she was complaining about her mother-in-law to several of us colleagues.  As we both walked back to our offices which were near each other, I said, "I don't have to deal with a mother-in-law anymore."  I still remember the look on her face until my story started to tumble out.

Before the separation last year, I was an almost invisible presence in my daily life.  My co-workers knew my name and that I scootered to work but not a lot else.  I had rarely said a word in the choir I had been singing in since 2019.  People knew of me at church but didn't actually know me.

And for all the work I've done in the last year, did you know that there isn't a single non-family person in my life today that knows my birthday?  I hadn't even shared it with the one friend I had, the one I wrote about yesterday.  I have her birthday in my phone and I think both her kids' birthdays but I don't think I ever shared mine with her.

Today's conversation and ones I've had with others over the last weeks and months remind me of how small and invisible I used to be.  It makes me kind of sad at what all I missed by hiding in the shadows.  I let him drain so much of my energy that I didn't have time to find my space in a larger, fuller, more connected world.