I'm still spending too much energy on him.

I'm a bit taken aback to realize how much of my therapy session yesterday evening I spent on my concern over what I expect my ex-husband is currently facing in his job and what support he may have for that.  And then since then, I have found myself on Reddit twice reading the comments from people who work in my ex-husband's agency.

Those thoughts seem to take up more space in my head than what I'm going through - the job opportunity I'm mulling over, the support staff meeting on Friday where it was brought up how many of us are planning for retirement, the lack of information about my own agency's plans, the emergency case that came up and changed the whole vibe at work on Friday, the ethical questions my colleagues across the country are facing and the consequences of sticking to their ethics, the tight timeline I have to transfer money in the middle of a volatile stock market, etc.

My first reaction to that is that I'm just incredibly capable.  I know how to handle my life.  I'm ready to deal with whatever comes my way.  So I don't waste a lot of time worrying about it.

But I think there is more to it.  I think I respond to my life that way because I spent two decades prioritizing my ex-husband.  I spent two decades taking on his emotions, worries, and challenges that all I had left for my own was to deal and move on.  There wasn't time to stress or worry about me.

That's not all bad when it comes to my own life.  Worry gains me nothing.  It's not all that productive.  But I need to stop the worrying as it relates to him.  I'm tired this week.  I have less energy.  I thought it was because I was doing too much.  But maybe it's just because I'm sending too much energy his way as I worry about how he is handling it all.