I worry more for him than I do for me.

I start my morning each day by browsing Reddit to see what horrors face federal employees this week.  My agency rarely gets mentioned and my leadership has been silent but what is happening to the rest of the government and what we are seeing being asked of people in other offices is already causing some people to jump ship.  So regardless if I eventually go through RIFs, damage is already being done.  It's also shifting my relationships with colleagues.  

But it's not me I worry about.  I've gone over my budget.  I've been saving money to put in a rainy day fund.  I've got a resume reasonably up-to-date.  And although I really don't want to leave my job - I really enjoy the work and find it meaningful, I would welcome a new adventure.  And with no real ties to my city, I can expand to so many opportunities.  I am resilient.

It's my ex-husband I worry about.  This was his dream career.  I remember him talking about it back when we were in college and dating.  When he got that first job with his agency in another city, I didn't even hesitate to start packing.  We were both so excited.

And then I watched him finally start thrive in a job.  He had struggled so much at his previous jobs in the private sector.  But this was different.  This was where he found his groove.  He had some missteps as he advanced - taking on a management role was not for him but he found his way back to what he loved.

His agency is coming up frequently these days - probationary employees fired and then rehired but put on administrative leave who now may come back next week (which probably affects many of the people he was mentoring), a second push to get people to resign, offers of early retirement, the cancellation of leases on the office buildings that house the employees, notices of upcoming RIFs.  

I haven't talked to him so I don't know what specifically of all this is directly affecting him but I imagine much of it is.

I don’t know who he has to talk to or lean on anymore. When we were married it was just me. He isn’t close with his brother. And his mom voted for this plus has so many of her own anxieties and issues that she has never really been an emotional support for him. And he has never had any real close friends.

I also can’t imagine what it feels like to know your mom voted against your interests and for someone who may destroy your dream career. That just sits so heavy with me as an outsider looking in.

So although I know I can’t be there for him (for multiple reasons), today I’m going to hold some space in my mind and heart for his pain,  struggle, and maybe grief.