Endure

The word "endure" is just not sitting well with me since it came up in therapy on Friday.  I think it is getting in the way of the processing I need to do.

For context, after describing my quite insane week, my therapist asked me if I felt like I was just enduring life right now.  I immediately said no.  I'm thriving right now.  But when comparing to how I feel now and how I felt during my marriage, I wondered if I was enduring life during the marriage.  I really think the answer to that is also "no".

The word "endure" seems to dismiss or diminish all the great things about my life while married - the laughter, the joy, the accomplishments, the experiences.  The word "endure" also feels like it negates my proven ability (time after time) of making something good out of challenging circumstances.

I don't endure life.  I do my very best to live it.

So now that we have gotten semantics out of the way, I do recognize a very real and impactful difference between married me and single me - the stark differences in energy level, the sense of self and freedom to lean into my quirkiness, the baseline stress, etc.  And I think it would be helpful to reflect on why that difference existed to such an extent.  What was it about my marriage that held me back, that drained me, and that stressed me on a subconscious level?