I'm just lost today.

I'm restless and lost and a bit down today.  I'm struggling to find the joy.  I tried walking the park a bit and even sat on my therapy bench around mid-day.  I was out long enough that I actually see some color on my shoulders.  And then I came back and finished my audiobook and napped and drove myself crazy before I pushed myself out the door again, this time to the baseball game.

The weather was mostly perfect, except for a short rain shower which I actually usually enjoy.  The temperatures were in the upper 70s with low humidity and a nice breeze.  Attendance at the game was light enough that I could find some good seats, first a few innings near right field and then the rest of the game right behind home plate.  I drank a beer from my home state and had a funnel cake, which in hindsight may not have been the best choice.  It was all a nice distraction but it didn't do much for my mood.

I kept thinking about the last game my ex and I went to.  It was a Thursday because I remember laughing about how with the drink specials, my beer was cheaper than his bottle of water.  He didn't watch the game or interact with me all that much because he was so focused on a book.  He wasn't typically a reader but for some reason, he really got into the Harry Potter books last year and the year before.

Although I wasn't someone who needed all his attention everywhere we went, I remember it sitting different with me this time.  It was those in-between months after he told me he was questioning our relationship but before he finally called it quits.  He kept wanting to do stuff together as if that is what would help me figure out our relationship.  This was one of those things.  That ballgame was his idea.

In hindsight, I think he just wanted distractions so he didn't have to actually face our relationship.  I'm pretty sure his decision was already made by that point.  

In later conversations with him, it became clear that he wasn't even making use of his therapy sessions to talk about his marriage or decision to leave.  It sounded like his sole focus was on building up his self- image and confidence.  I don't say that to dismiss the importance of that work.  It's just so wild to me that someone would divorce their spouse without any warning or much of an explanation and not even use their therapist to help process it, clarify their decision, or even figure out how to communicate better about it.  I actually asked him to cover his therapy costs out of his own funds when I realized this.  To not even take advantage of his therapist to learn how to be kinder and more honest in how he ended the relationship just made an already cruel breakup feel even worse.

But I digress, I'm not sure how I veered off onto the topic of his therapy.  But maybe the meandering of this post is just a really good example of how lost I feel today.  Well, it is late so I should get some sleep.  Tomorrow is a new day.