Running into him at a Baseball Game

I went to a minor league baseball game tonight.  I knew there was a chance he would be there as our the team was offering discounted tickets to the apartment buildings around the stadium and this was something we had done often enough in the past.  I don't notice until about the last 3 innings when I went back to the section I had originally started in and he was seated by himself in the front row of that section (he had not been there in the first couple innings).  With a general admission ticket, I tend to move around throughout the game.

I don't know if he saw me until the end as we were walking out (although he probably did) and so our only interaction was a quick "hi" as we crossed paths on the way back to the apartment.

I was aware of his presence but not so negatively affected by him this time.  Maybe because I wasn't caught so off guard this time.  Or maybe I just couldn't see the look in his eyes this time in the dark.  Or maybe I can see through the look if I'm caught in a moment when my mind is clear.

 

I look back at myself and see the many evolutions of me - both during my marriage and since the separation.  Who I am today post-divorce has remnants of who I was in college when I met him.  Time and maturity has changed me but the core energy and quirkiness of my college years is coming back to me from being dormant for so many years.  People who know me well have commented on so many positive changes since the divorce, so clearly it is coming out in how I present myself to the world.

I looked at him today and I saw a man who is just the same as he always was, although maybe a bit older.  And if I back to the man I initially met, I'm not sure he really has evolved at all from that man. In recent months when I looked back at a journal from that time period, it was uncanny how the descriptions of him were still so accurate today.

So what are my takeaways from that?  First, I don't think getting the divorce solved his unhappiness problem.  I think I was just the easy scapegoat.  Although, if he never does the work on himself, he may never realize that.  He may just continue to go through life believing "the whole world is out to get (him)".  (His words repeated many times during our marriage which is why I use quotes.)

Second, maybe I outgrew him even during the marriage.  They say your partner in a relationship is a mirror - maybe the growth in me just reminded him of the work he hadn't done and didn't want to do on himself.