I didn't expect this.

I was walking away from a line class dancing exercise class at the local park, smiling and laughing to myself about who I had run into which isn't really relevant to my story so I'm not going to get into that part.  But I was in a good mood, kind of in my own world walking back to my apartment when suddenly I was pulled out of that mood when I realized the person heading towards me was my ex-husband.

I've never had such a range of emotions run through me in such a short space in time.  He smiled at me, the kind of smile I have never seen him give anyone but me.  And as I walked past him, I realized it was a smile I hadn't seen in a long time - like so long ago, that I don't actually remember when it was.  I didn't even realize it had been missing in recent years until I saw it again this evening.

As soon as he had passed, the tears started rolling down my cheeks.  As I type this a new batch of tears fall freely.

This was a man I loved with all my heart.  If I had actually had the power, I would have done anything to fix us.  But it wasn't something within my power.  He had to want that too.  He had to be willing to put the work in too.  And he didn't.  He wasn't willing.

I don't know what I saw in his eyes and smile tonight.  I don't know what it represented tonight.  And I realize now that I don't actually know what it represented when he used to so freely look at me that way.  Was it a form of love?  Or maybe a feeling of comfort for someone he knew would hold his hand? Or what?

When you go through so many of life's ups and downs with someone, face the world together for so long, it just blows my mind that they could just walk away without even trying, without even talking.

So my heart is breaking again tonight.  I miss that look he used to give me.  I miss the way it used to make me feel.  I miss the man I married.