What Red Flags Did I Miss? Part 3 - Going off to separate colleges

For some context, he went to college 45 minutes from his home.  He kept his grocery store job and worked it some weekends (prior to me he went home every weekend to work and have his mom do his laundry).  I went to college about 4 hours away.  It was my junior year and it was the first year I had a car at college.  Our original plan was to see each other every other weekend trading off who drove.  Sometimes when it was my weekend to drive, I would go and spend the weekend with him on his campus sometimes I would spend it in our hometown together.  On his weekends to drive, he would come stay with me in my dorm.  Once or twice we met at a campground for the weekend.

As the year went on, we seemed to find reasons to shorten that time apart and added in extra trips.  I still remember the day mid-week where I skipped a class and got in my car and just drove to see him for just the night without even as much as a toothbrush.  By spring, with our schedules and different spring breaks, we were seeing each other more days than not.  I can't even guess how many miles I put on that van or how much I spent in gas.  I knew those roads like the back of my hand.

Shortly after I moved back to college that fall, I wrote about how much I felt at home in Eau Claire and how much I had missed it.  Reading between the lines, it seemed like I was finally getting a chance to breathe which felt like a relief.  And that's all a bit ironic because my first potential roommate backed out when she found out I was bisexual and the one who actually did live with me at the beginning was passive-aggressive and quite mean to me and then criticized the fact that I was quiet around her.  It's also a bit ironic to think of it as home since so many of my friendships had ended and my social circle at college was down to about two people.

Kind of unrelated but interesting in the context of my marriage.  I wrote this on September 4, 2002.  

I was walking up the hill this afternoon and I could hear the marching band practicing across the river. It just made me miss colorguard. I've been away from it 3 full years and it still draws me in like never before. It's like a part of me. The day I give up my flags and rifle will be the day I die.

Fast forward, I sold my flags and rifle in the summer of 2018, the summer my ex-husband was insistent we move somewhere so began selling off so many of our belongings.  Does this represent loss of self?  Or just normal growth?  Do I wish I still had them? I don't know.  I remember laughing off the way our house emptied out room by room before we even had a plan to move somewhere else but maybe that's because I didn't know how else to react to such behavior.  Ultimately, it made moving south so much easier but it all felt so premature - I think it started in April or May of that year with a huge rummage sale in July.  I didn't have a job offer until September so it wasn't until September we had any clue where we were moving.  But back to 2002.....

In early September, he gave me a card that in hindsight was quite a bit over-the-top for a relationship that was only 2 months old and this entry implies he had been talking a lot about the future even before this date.  I have other entries too where I hint at feeling a little unsettled by his repeated future talk.  On September 9, 2002, I wrote:

So the topic of conversation today is committment because I receive a card from [ex-husband] that really expressed what goes through his mind, something I had suspected all along. Because even when people are joking or making passing comments there usually is some truth to it all. So I can't say I'm surprised by it all. 

It was the sweetest card. He has small handwriting and managed to fill the entire card.

So he says things like "even though you are my first girlfriend, I am 100% sure that you are the best choice for me." and "I will always love you..."

Two and a half months ago he did scare me a lot when he started thinking about this fall and how often we would be able to see each other. And the way that he just kind of assumed a second date told me from the beginning that he was looking for long term. My thoughts when I said yes were, "I'll try one date. Maybe it will be fun to have someone new to hang out with." Never was I thinking that he might become my boyfriend.

Now, I'm in a little different place. I'm scared that I feel the same way. I'm scared that I'm no longer worrying about whether he is going to bring up the near future but I'm thinking about the fact that in 2 and a half years he will have his graduate degree and I will have my teacher certificate.

And then later in his letter he goes on and starts using the us and we in reference to an even further future. "We can shape the future and I see us doing so!" (with the us underlined) And then he asks me, "You sure you don't want a big house?" Whenever we are on Pewaukee lake we look at all the houses and nine times out of ten I make some comment about how a house is too big whenever he asks what I think of one. And then he writes, "I miss you, but we need to get educated so taht we can get good jobs, help people and make a living! (hints)." (and of course the we's are underlined again.)

Honestly I love this. Not that I live for the future. But when I do think about where I might be in the future it's this kind of stuff that really makes me want to get through this and get to the future. If he really means every word he says, then I don't ever have to worry about a lonely future again. Because I will be "the one" to him. I want this all to be true. But sometimes it just seems like a dream too good to come true. Like can I really put that kind of trust in him?

And then the other question is: is he "the one" for me?

I hate my doubts! I hate that it is so hard for me to trust people!

And I haven't even gotten into his family who absolutely adores me. I love his family! They are becoming more of a family to me than my own. His mom is incredible. She is a little overwhelming at times and reminds me of my Grandma a little bit but on the other hand she is so incredibly sweet and an absolutely incredible person. I can definately see where [ex-husband] gets everything about him from. Because both of his parents are wonderful people. And it's weird how my thought process sometimes even matches with that of his mom. She said something to [ex-husband] over the weekend that was almost exactly what I said to him just a few weeks ago.

Right now I'm just going to take things as they come and enjoy every moment of it.

I kind of like being away to college away from him right now because it really gives me lots of time to think things through clearly. And it helps me develop me more before I become an even bigger part of him. It makes me realize that I could potentially be getting married not too far out of college and that I really should be enjoying my independence and life as me. Not that I won't still have some of that, it will just be different. It's like now I don't have to consider anyone else when I make my decisions. When I'm seriously involved with someone like in marriage, I won't be completely on my own for it all anymore. I really don't know what I'm saying so I'm just going to shut up now and go to bed. Sweet dreams all!

There is so much to unpack in that entry, the comparisons to his mom, the way his mom had fooled me into thinking she was this kind and loving person, the doubts I felt, the planning so far into the future so early in the relationship, the excitement mixed with unsettling feelings, etc.  I feel a little uncomfortable reading it today knowing how much of it was a performance and how I was ignoring something in my gut that was trying to get me to pause.

I feel like that is this theme the entire beginning of this relationship - my gut trying to get me to pause.  Every moment of excitement was mixed with some unsettling feelings.  I knew I was overwhelmed yet I pushed forward instead of slowing down.  I suppose, I finally had someone (and his parents) who were showering me with attention, something that had so been lacking in my life.  Although, in hindsight I realize it was a performance lacking authenticity, I finally felt seen, heard, and understood.  And they were all so charming and charismatic.  

This post from September 11 is really interesting given what I now know about the masks my ex wore.  Was I seeing his masks?  Or was I questioning my own masks?  It's not clear and the year before I had a lot of reflections about the own masks I had worn in the past so it's possible this was just about me.

Who are you "real" with? And how do you know when you've gotten to that point where you don't feel you have to impress the other person? And a better question: how do you know when he/she is truly being "real" with you? We all put on masks from time to time. Rarely will we ever act completely like ourselves when we first meet someone. And I think that many of us still don't act completely ourselves around many friends whom we have known for years.

And then that brings me to, "do we really know who we are?" or "have we worn a mask for so long that we know longer recognize our true selves?"

I'm just reflecting on the relationships in my life trying to figure out where and how they all fit in. And I guess, seeing how far I've come in the last year or two.

After a weekend on his college campus in early October, he followed up to make sure I made it back to my college safely and I wrote how much it meant to have someone care if I was safe.  That seems at odds with the man who was annoyed in later years when I wanted to check in with him by text the nights I walked the streets of Birmingham on my own after dark.  

This is really interesting, on October 7, I wrote, "It was great to see Mrs. [high school chemistry teacher] speechless at [the grocery store] the other day when [ex-husband] and I were together. I guess she didn't realize we were dating. Don't know why it would be such a surprise though because she knows us both and our personalities match in a lot of ways."  I was so quick to dismiss her reaction but I wonder if there was something behind it.  I had her for two years of chemistry, the second year was a small class size as it was an AP advanced chemistry class so she did get to know her students well.  She also lived in my ex-husband's neighborhood (just a couple house down I believe) and so had known him and his family much of his life.  I think she even had kids around the age of my ex-husband and/or his brother.

It was in November and December, that my ex-husband started making plans to get his graduate degree from my college instead of continuing on at his own college.  He was graduating from undergrad at the end of this school year.  I have so many mixed feelings about how that decision was made and how quickly I found myself signing a lease with him for the next school year that I think it deserves an entire post of its own.

I had a glimpse at his impulsivity and obsession with cars fairly early on.  Here is what I wrote on December 24, 2002:

Sometimes that boy just frustrates me. This time it is over a stupid car. He wants to throw his money away to buy another car that will probably be no better than the one he drives now just because his mechanic screwed something up that can probably be fixed if he would just have a little patience. He doesn't have the money now. And yes I am being selfish right now in a way. If he buys this other car he will have a harder time paying for the apartment and everything and I will probably be helping him out (not that big of a deal) but then when my car dies in a few years (and it probably will get to the point where it is not reliable enough soon) he won't have any money to help me buy a new car and I won't have any left either. So loans will be taken out and this will just add to the loans we will be paying off once we both do graduate. And with the ecomony the way it is now, we need to realize that finding jobs is not going to be all that easy regardless of what we are going into. It would just be putting us in a position we don't want to be in. All over a silly car that in reality will be fine. It's a fairly new car with low miles on it and in excellent condition. There is no reason to believe that the mechanic did something that will permanently make it run horribly. He needs to have a little faith in it right now and not just run out to buy a new car. Is this how he is going to deal with things when something goes wrong, run out and replace it?

Every once in a while I feel like I'm holding him back from doing something he really wants to do and this is one of those times. If I wasn't around he would have already bought the car. And he would have had the money to buy the car. I don't ever want to get in the way of what he really wants.

Interestingly, my former girlfriend responded to that post (it was an entry that was public to my friends), "you be his self control hunnie. he'll thank you someday."  He never did thank me.  He blamed me instead.  I don't think he even realizes that we got further together financially because I was able to slow him down at times.  I'm not sure how good he really is at thinking long-term.  I guess that isn't completely true as he understood we needed to save for retirement.  But beyond retirement, he always seemed more focused on the instant gratification.

The question I ask myself in that entry "Is this I how he is going to deal with things when something goes wrong, run out and replace it?" kind of haunts me because that was his approach to life.  Keeping on the subject of cars, he even once used the excuse that the windshield wipers needed to be replaced so we might as well just buy a new car!  We did the same with electronics.  I think he took the same mindset in the jobs that didn't immediately prove to be what he expected.  And he sure had no interest in fixing our relationship when things started to go wrong, he didn't even have an interest in communicating what was wrong.

In February of 2003, I found a test online to discover whether you are ready to be loved.  I know tests like that sound really silly but it is what college students do, or at least did in my time.  I was embarrassed by my score and impressed by his perfect score.  But honestly, what 21 year old boy (especially knowing what I know about him now) genuinely is that perfect at love?  He either lied about his score or didn't honestly answer the questions.  In hindsight, none of this sounds authentic but he was clearly convincing.  

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve [ex-husband]. I mean he has it all together. And so often I'm such a mess.

So I came across an "Are you ready to be loved?" quiz today. And in the introduction to the quiz it talks about how finding true love is more complicated than just walking down the produce aisle. Since that is where I met [ex-husband] (or at least close to it), I thought I sent him the link to read that. Well, he was compelled to continue on and take the quiz. And of course he was excited to tell me that he got a perfect score. Which I'm far from surprised about. Then of course he asks about my score, which was a 4 or 5 out of 7 questions. And the sad thing about it all is that he has taught me so much about love in the last almost 8 months that my score 8 months ago would have been even more of an embarrasment.

This guy knows what love is. He knows how to give it unconditionally. He knows how to accept it. And he loves every second of it all, regardless of what he is doing. He knows how to just hold me when I cry and to listen to the words between my sobs or wait patiently if I'm not ready to talk. He knows how to react to my many moods. He knows how to make me feel incredibly special, even when I'm at my lowest.

He tells me that he will be there for me no matter what. But it's more than anyone should have to deal with. It's bad enough that I have to deal with my own problems. Why should I drag someone else into them?

I also find it fascinating that I thought he had it all together.  He couldn't do his own laundry until I taught him.  He still relied on his mom for so much.  He didn't get the internship he wanted and instead of looking for another one and sticking with the program that was probably a better program, he switched to my school for his graduate degree.  And he failed miserably at his first professional job and didn't do so well at his next two either. 

Then in April, I proposed to him.  I don't know why I felt the need to be the one to propose.  I don't have any entries where I talk about my reasoning but I do write about how a lot of doubts followed me all the way until the moment he said yes.  I wonder if this was my misguided way of trying to take back some control over the timeline.  Up until that point, I felt like so many decisions were being made for me or were happening so fast that I didn't have time to process them.

I also wonder if in the back of my head, I was influenced by my parents who were not happy we were living together before marriage.  Maybe I thought getting engaged before we moved in would appease them a bit.

I know this post is getting really long so I'll end it with these two entries about the proposal.

 April 21, 2003

As the day gets closer I only get more nervous and am filled with more doubts. Do I really know what I'm doing? Do I know what I'm getting myself into? I'm scared. I wish I wasn't so damn insecure! As I was driving to Whitewater last night I just had this urge to turn around and drive as far from him as possible. It was the worst feeling in the world. Because I knew that my life would never be the same without him. I don't want to run away from things any more. I want to run to something. I know that if I don't go through with it this weekend I will probably never go through with it and will regret it the rest of my life. I'm just scared. I have doubts that are not founded in any reality. I know that we will make anything work. I know that our love will conquer because it's a love based on true friendship and wanting to do everything in our power for each other. He is my best friend. He stands by me through everything (good and bad). He is so patient with me. He knows how to just hold me when I need to cry. I've got to hold on to this guy. And so this weekend it's time to take the next step.

April 28, 2003 (the day after I proposed)

As I pulled into the scenic overlook, I put my hand in my pocket to make sure I still had the poem. We walked hand in hand along the boardwalk commenting on the sand and the footprints in it. We stood in each others embrace as my heart began to beat more rapidly. I knew exactly what I would say. I tried several times to get the words to come out of my mouth. Finally I said, "I want to read you a poem I wrote" and I pulled it out of my pocket. He was surprised I had it with me. And then he asked me a question that momentarily threw me off, "When did you write it?" I think I mumbled something about a while ago. Then I started reading the poem just as I had rehearsed but I was too nervous to remember the words so I had to read a lot of them. At first my heart was beating so fast that I'm not sure exactly how the words came out. But by the time I got to those last two lines I put the paper down and I was confident. It felt so right. That's when it all came together for me. He then mumbled a surprised "uh huh". I really had left him speechless. And then shortly after a real definite "yes!" Time stood still in that moment. We just held each other and kissed each other. That marked a significant change that I didn't realize would happen at least not so obviously. That was when I started to see how he really would fit into my life as my husband. It was all made real then. I looked at him a little differently from that moment on.