In the two decades my husband and I were together, we bought more than twenty cars. When I sat down this morning to jot down a quick list without putting too much thought into it, I easily came up with 24 cars and I know I'm forgetting some. This was his thing. If I had been alone, I suspect, I would have owned 2-4 cars in that time frame.
The realization that made me pause last night was the fact that I insisted on being listed on the loan and title of every single one of those cars except a pickup truck he bought during the pandemic (and understandably the car the he bought while we were engaged, he wasn't on the loan or title to the car I bought during that time period either). And I remember feeling uncomfortable with my decision to not be involved in the purchase of the pickup truck.
I intentionally put myself through more than 24 car purchases because something inside of me told me it was important that my name be on these debts/assets. This wasn't my ex-husband wanting me to be a part of every deal. He would have happily done any number of them on his own. This was my decision each time. And for me to make a decision that added so much hassle and even pain to my life, I had to have felt pretty strongly about it.
I think it started because the example I had was from my parents. Although my Dad primarily handled finances, he included my Mom in everything, made sure she understood and was aware of everything, and had a say in everything. I grew up hearing them talk finances. It was a partnership. He valued her participation.
So I went into marriage expecting to be an active participant in things like this.
Then as our marriage progressed I observed some things that I think confirmed my need to always be named on assets.
First was probably the relationship between his uncle (his mom’s brother) and his aunt. He bought cars at a faster rate than even my ex-husband did and never involved his wife. She was fairly disabled by the time I met her and didn’t get out as much so I suspect she didn’t even know about some of his car purchases. My ex-husband’s uncle was also incredibly dismissive of his wife and treated her like a burden. I don’t know what their relationship was like earlier on but it definitely wasn’t a partnership when I knew them. In hindsight, I see a lot of similarities between my ex-husband and his uncle. I wonder if subconsciously that concerned me.
Second, there was an acceleration in how often he wanted to replace our cars. What started as every three years ultimately became every six months. In later years, we had this push/pull dynamic where I tried to slow him down a little. By insisting on being a part of every deal, I had just a little bit more control over the timeline.
And then it was watching the financial struggles of his mom after his dad got sick and ultimately passed away - the uneven retirement accounts when we started talking about applying for Medicaid, the cars being in his name only, her lack of knowledge about their finances, etc. It was then I insisted we work to balance our retirement accounts out more and I felt confirmation of the importance of staying involved in it all.
And in hindsight, I’m starting to think I maybe knew on a subconscious level that our marriage wouldn’t last. All the steps I took to be involved and keep things balanced greatly helped (both of us honestly) when it came time to divorce.
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