And I was an introspective, insightful, intentional person back then. I struggled as I navigated the collision of religion, self, family, and society. And I worry that narrowing it down to that year is dismissive of all the years before that where my beliefs, attitudes, and values were building but that just happens to be the year I am reviewing. And it's a good year to pick, not only because it helps understand the beginning of the relationship to the man I would marry but also because it was a year where I really came into my own starting with a semester in Spain before I ever met him.
All that said, I want to share this entry in its entirety from June 8, 2002, about three weeks before I met my now ex-husband. I think it speaks for itself so I'm not going to add anymore commentary.
Can I scream?
If they can't handle a little hairy legs on a girl. And they have to point out that "Steve" (say it with a degrading tone) is gay even though that has nothing to do with the conversation or what they want to say about him, then they sure couldn't support me in any of the life God has dealt me.
I get down on myself so often about how weak my faith is. I keep thinking about how much I used to believe in God and how important it used to be to me. And even though the faith has fallen I've still continued to feel like it should be so important to me. But you know after the weekend I've had so far I understand why my faith has fallen. I am human. And after all the spiritual abuse I've gotten, why the hell would anyone want to return back to the church. You might say there is no reason I need to return to the church to practice my faith yet at the same time my faith can't be solitary. It needs to be with other Christians, praying, learning, and working together and for/from each other.
And I refuse to believe that I'm misguided about what God wants for me because I've never felt a stronger pull in one direction before. My life was a living hell before I accepted who I was, I was in the deepest depression and wanted to kill myself. And I even tried to work on it and pull myself out of it. But only found a little success that ended in complete failure in the end. But since I've accepted me for me, accepted that God wants me to love other women, I haven't dealt with even the slightest depression. That has to be saying something.
And for those of you who don't know I've been dealing with a lot of gender issues lately (well, not just lately but finally I've started dealing with them). For lack of a better term I've loosely used transgendered. But when I state that label I really mean it loosely. I cross gender lines any chance that I get. I feel more comfortable acting the part of a male. I do not shave my legs because I feel women shouldn't have to if they don't want to yet every once in a while I still wear dresses and short skirts. I don't think I would ever want to change my sex, yet I don't fit the label "woman". Partially because I just don't think I would be happy as a true man and partially because I don't know that God would want me to change the body that he made (not that I'm really sure on where my beliefs fit in with transgendered issues).
Anyways, I should get on with the events of today, I really don't know at what second my peace and privacy will disappear as my cousin finds me.
Today was my sister's high school graduation so I thought I would wear a cute white dress for it, clearly with no intention of shaving my legs (I haven't shaved in a year and a half or so, why would I start now?). My little cousins commented on it as I expected. One thought it was the grossest thing ever and that girls need to shave their legs (10yrs. old). The others just looked at me funny but in the end didn't really seem to care. But the comments from the adults kept coming and not just about that but other things, like..."girls should marry boys" (said to my littlest cousin by my aunt) and then there was my Grandma who stopped me and told me that I'm "going to shave those legs". After about ten minutes of telling her no and trying to explain someone somehow interrupted us and it ended. She told me that "You are just trying to be different but you're not THAT different" along with a million other things, nothing with really any case. Then there was the Steve story that my aunt told. It was the worst thing that Steve was gay yet he was the funniest guy and he would probably take my cousins around New York when they were there on business. It just kind of bugged me so I came up here.
Now, no one officially knows that I'm a lesbian (at least not that I'm aware of). One family (the one with the Steve story) has met my ex-girlfriend and I thought we had made it pretty obvious that we were involved although I'm not sure they caught on. Oh, and I did tell two of my cousins (the kids of the family that met my ex-girlfriend including the "eww gross" 10 yr. old). My policy so far has been I'm not hiding it from them but if I would ever be asked or it came up in conversation I wouldn't hesitate to say anything. But when you live ten hours from them the opportunities often never come up.
Anyways, I wanted to pull out my double female earings and even my "Let's get one thing straight I'm not" shirt and anything else I could think of but I didn't. My parents would have considered it flashing it around. And I think all of that is what prompted me to pull out a shorter cutsy dress to match my lovely hairy legs.
I just want them to open their minds a little, think outside of the box. I want them to realize that people don't come in a set box. That they come in so many different shapes, sizes, and that they love different people. I wanted them to see that we don't need to follow the boxes that society tries to shove us into. I don't think I was very successful. But if nothing else maybe I got them thinking. Who I could, I tried to explain that not shaving my legs wasn't something just to show that I was weird or something because it's not. I don't know. All I can do is pray.
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