College Friendships

In my college years, I wrote repeatedly about being frustrated at one-sided relationships.  I was the friend who listened to everyone's problems and who everyone came to for advice.  They knew I would make time for them no matter what I had going on.  But besides when they needed something, I was always the one reaching out, making the calls, checking in on them, etc.  I felt repeatedly hurt and disappointed that no one ever seemed to check in on me.  I felt like people took advantage of my kind, giving nature.  I often felt unseen and misunderstood.

Then, one of my closest friends from my freshman year in college turned on me when we returned in the fall.  I had forgotten about her in previous reflections of all the friends that abruptly ended friendships with me.  I never could get any real answers from her.  I always wondered if it was because I wasn't straight and that summer between freshman year and sophomore year I actually dated a woman.  This friend really distanced herself and the interactions we had were filled with. judgments and criticisms of me.  She told me several times that she had changed over the summer but would not talk about how.  I kept trying far longer than I should have.

And then I made a mess of another friendship in the assumptions I made and some generalized I wrote in online posts that offended someone who I never meant to sweep up in those generalizations.  And that is when I wrote about how I had been struggling for several weeks.  I identified my breakup with my first girlfriend as the start of the downward spiral.  This was the first mention of the breakup (that had happened the month prior) in my entries.

This is what I wrote on October 20, 2001:

I have been quite emotional the last few weeks so I took a few moments today in between all the excitement of homecoming to figure out when it started. This is what I came up with. First of all breaking up with [first girlfriend] was quite emotionally. I wanted to hang onto to something that just wasn't there anymore.  And then my friend, [friend I didn't mean to include in later generalizations], blew me off leaving me with the feeling that it was my fault. But I think I was still rational at that time. 

I think it was the week of National Coming Out Day that made me loose it (well, whatever little I had left). I got all excited for it, planned for it all week. And then when it came and it was such a small group of mostly guys, and it was then that I realized that what I had been going after the last couple of weeks was so far from what I really needed, I guess it was hard. I went up to my room afterwards instead of checking out the Community Center, hanging out with Ashley at Racy's, or dancing at Higher Ground with Molly and Amber and whoever else. I should have gone out.

Anyways, now that I have blabbered, I think that is when things really went downhill. And on top of it, battles with [friend who turned on me] had only been getting more frequent and more frustrating.

So then when I get this inspiration to transfer to Milwaukee, I see it as my escape, kinda, and so I write a poorly worded journal entry that only succeeds in pissing off my friend, [friend I didn't mean to include in my generalizations]. And so I react irrationally. And make things worse. So then yesterday was the point where I needed to stop myself. So I uninstalled my AIM and MSN Messenger from my computer and even turned my computer off for most of the afternoon. And I sat in my room all by myself. I read, I slept, I watched TV, and the one time I left my room was to walk through and explore the woods by myself. And by doing so I didn't add to any of the crap I've gotten myself into.

And today I went out and enjoyed the Homecoming Parade and Game by myself. It was fun. I watched, I took pictures, I learned.

So now where am I? I'm not quite sure. I know I'm not ready to reinstall the AIM and MSN or to sit down and talk to  [friend who turned on me] or [friend I didn't mean to include in my generalizations]. And I know I'm not ready to really hang out with my college friends for they are part of the interweaved web of my problems. But at the same time I'm not real content to sit in my room completely isolated from society. I can't be a hermit, sorry DiiBish.

It took me weeks to acknowledge how the breakup had hit me.  It appears I had tried to avoid those feelings.  That said, I didn't wait weeks to reach back out to my other friends.  Shortly after I wrote this entry, I did repair things with the friend who I hadn't meant to sweep up in generalizations.  She was my most consistent friend, probably my healthiest relationship.

I admit that I was not always my best self in the relationships I was struggling so much with that year.  I laughed in horror when I read this entry from mid-November.  I projected all my own insecurities onto a different friend not yet referenced in this blog post at a time when that was the last thing she needed.

I'm worried about [friend]. She claims nothing is wrong but looks like all hell broke loose. She basically locked herself in her room last night until I wrote on her board. Then she was suddenly curious to see who had written what and I had mentioned in my note that I was worried about her so she came down the hall just to inform me that there was nothing to worry about. She got all defensive about it. Then today when she answered the door she looked pretty bad so I asked her if she was ok and she got all mad at me. She was "sick" of people asking her that. Even though it was only the second or third time this week she still thought that was too much. And she told me that she hates it when people ask her that when according to her there is nothing to be worried about. So I yelled back at her and told her just how bad she looked and went on to explain that me personally would rather someone ask me if I was ok when I was then for them to ignore me when I'm not ok like they usually do. It's just so frustrating.

Then in January of 2002, I headed off to Spain.  I had so many mixed emotions about going.  I was terrified at the uncertainty of making my way in a foreign country with a language I was still learning where meat was the center of every meal (I was a vegetarian).  I was deeply worried about the friendships I had that were already on rocky ground.  I worried everyone would forget about me.  But as the weeks got closer to January, I also saw it as a chance to escape and an adventure.

And then that spring semester in Spain went one of two ways depending on which blog you read.  There's probably truth to both perspectives I wrote.  The new blog I created just for that semester that was public facing for friends and family to follow along reflected me having an amazing time, booking overnight trains every weekend I could that had me getting back in at 8:30 am just an hour or two before classes resumed for the week, going out with an international group of people regularly, and dancing in the night clubs until 2am (including one day I supposedly got up on a platform to dance!).  My homesickness didn't creep into that blog until the last month (of almost 5 months).

The second journal was the continuation of my LiveJournal which was a mix of private entries and entries shared with a small group of friends.  In that journal, I didn't fit in.  I hated the food.  My host family hated me.  Very few of my friends were sending e-mails, letters, or anything to stay in contact.  I felt forgotten and lost in a culture I didn't understand.  In that journal, I was ready to go back home week one.

In reality, I suspect that study abroad experience was an uncomfortable time of growth and as is my nature, I looked for the positive even as I struggled as I stayed committed to the full experience.  And I did lose friends, the friendships that had already started to fracture the semester before, the friendships that were the most imbalanced.  

I think that shift in friendships made me a bit vulnerable when I met my ex-husband.  My support network by 2002 was at a low point, although not non-existent.  And the majority of my relationships up to that point had lacked balance and reciprocation so that was my norm.  So when his initial performance included some balance and reciprocation, I latched onto it.