External Validation

I'm a pretty self-motivated person.  I have learned to clap for myself and validate myself.  It's what allowed me to excel in so many ways over the last few decades despite the lack of any consistent external validation.  I am this way probably because of the lack of consistent external validation going all the way back to my childhood.

I've always been the quiet, well-behaved, reliable student and then employee who consistently turned in quality work on time.  Teachers, my parents, and then my managers could easily forget about me as they focused on those that needed more guidance, discipline, etc.  Even in my marriage, validation went only one direction - me to him.  He didn't have the bandwidth or consideration to spend any energy validating me despite all the energy I poured into validating him.  And I accepted that because that was the normal I knew.

But you know, it never stopped me from going further.  And maybe my way of trying to get noticed and recognized was to strive to do better and better and learn more and more.  Except it rarely works on any consistent basis.

So sometimes, like lately at work, I feel the loneliness of being invisible.  That was the mindset I was in this week on top of some of the grief the birthday text from the dealership had brought up.  It was a rough week.  And so when some pretty strong external validation came my way (twice), I leaned into it more than I normally would.  It meant more than I expected.  

Although I will admit, I had a moment where it didn't sit well with me as I recalled how miserable my ex-husband was (maybe still is?) because of how much he depended on external validation without being capable of cheering for himself.  

But I am not him.  And I deserve this.  I think I would actually benefit a lot from better letting external validation add to all the internal validation I already have going on.  Maybe we need both.  We need to feel seen and wanted by others and we need to see and want ourselves.

So let me tell you about what really lifted my spirits this week.  

First, we needed some assistance with medical coding questions and so the attorney I work with reached out and was referred to an experienced data analyst that I had previously met at a conference and whom I highly respect.  In advance of a phone call with her, my attorney sent my analysis of the data and allegations.  Her immediate e-mail back was "I am impressed.  This analysis is organized and detailed."  

And then we had a call with her where she further expressed how lucky my district was to have me and that most districts don't have some with my capabilities.  Although my e-mail signature clearly stated my title was paralegal, she referred to me as a "paralegal/auditor/analyst who likely wears many hats."  To have this come from a peer, who knows all the nitty gritty that goes into the work I do, give that praise, meant so much.

Second, this morning I got a call.  The caller ID showed it was coming from the Atlanta office I had interviewed with in the early fall.  It was the manager herself.  She had gotten word that they had been approved to post a second investigator position after the first of the year and she wanted me to know because she hoped I was still interested and would apply for it.  She took time out of her day to let me know this posting was coming.  She even offered to forward it to me when it was posted but then wondered if that would look bad coming from her (so clearly she doesn't usually call potential candidates like this).  I assured her that I would be looking for it so she didn't need to do that.

She went on to talk about a conversation she had with an attorney I had worked with in the Wisconsin office.  I assume my name came up because she asked him if he knew me.  She said he was so complimentary of me and talked about my data skills. And to think, he knew me before I truly had learned much about data!  I haven't worked with him since 2018.  He's not even one of my references currently because my skills are so much further along than what he knew.  Yet, he remembered me well and saw something in me even then.

Especially in this second interaction, I felt so seen and wanted.  I really hope it works out that I get to work with this team that does amazing work in Atlanta but even if it doesn't, it has been an external reminder of my value.  And that I will carry with me wherever I go.

So maybe it's not so much depending on the external validation but instead leaning on the people around me to remind me of the value I already see in myself.