Reconnecting with myself

In reviewing some of my blog entries, I realize I was so disconnected from myself during my marriage.  I clung closely to the positive.  I accepted and shrunk to fit a "normal" that was anything but normal without question probably because I wasn't ready to face the answers to those questions as it would disrupt the loyalty and commitment values that I felt defined me.

My body tried to scream at me to get me to listen and yet I ignored it.  My ex-husband's repeated attempts (whether intentional or not) to sabotage our relationship were met with my fierce determination to fight for us out of my loyalty when I should have believed what they said about him.  I suspect I suppressed many uncomfortable feelings and fears.

I floated through life too much.

I don't know that I had thought about it this way until today but I think part of the last year and a half has really been about reconnecting with myself.  I listen to my body a whole lot more.  I can't always pinpoint  right away the reasons for a change in my body but I notice then and they then become a puzzle to figure out.

And I'm so much more aware of how people around me make me feel, how we fit together, how we share space, etc.  I now use those cues to make decisions about how, where, and with whom I spend my time.  That was an interesting aspect to my trip.  I talked to quite a few people and with every interaction, I spend a lot of time just observing - their behaviors and words, my behaviors and words, and how I felt about it all.

I feel like I move through life with more intention and I think that goes back to being better connected to myself, to how I feel, to what I want, to what I think I can contribute, to who I am, etc.  

I hope going forward I continue to value that connectedness enough to keep coming back to it and that I recognize the importance of loyalty and commitment to myself first.  The right relationships won't ask me to compromise myself.