Seeing Him

I was headed to the side door of the lobby of our main apartment building when I saw him pass by outside the door at one end of a cart that had a wooden stand (maybe the one my Dad made) and a large TV on top of it with her at the other end of the cart.  After they passed, I stepped out the door and without hesitation turned the direction they had come from without looking their direction.  He was walking backwards with the cart so I'm sure he saw me as I stepped out although why that matters, I don't know.

My stomach dropped as I continued skirted around the back of the building with my laptop in one hand.  I had just stopped into the office to tell them about the EV charger that wasn't working and was headed to find lunch at the brewery on the other side of the complex.  My laptop was so that I could edit photos from this morning while I ate.  My photos aren't holding my attention though, not even the photos of the sweet Carolina Wren whose song calms my nervous system.

I think back to the countless moves we made together.  That was one time that we truly came together as a team.  I suppose it was the novelty and anticipation of the novelty that made us and the mundane that broke us.  Or maybe more accurately, it was in the moments we were pursuing novelty that I had his greatest attention and in the mundane moments that I lost it.

And then I wondered if he was actually moving out or if this was just moving a few things.  The timing is off for his lease so if he is moving out, I expect it is coming at a cost.  If that is what is going on and he is moving in with her, she is a fool.  There is no way she knows enough about him in six months to make a decision like this.  Or maybe somebody just got a new TV for Christmas.

Earlier this month, I realized I had been checking his Instagram page too often.  It wasn't healthy so I stopped.  I don't know what I was looking for.  I told myself I kept hoping to see this new relationship fail.  I don't want her to experience what I did.  And although I don't believe in revenge, I wish he would experience some of the consequences from his own actions.  I wish I didn't still feel just a little bit stuck despite all the ways I have moved forward (and continue to move forward).  I wish he hadn't had so much power in making me doubt myself.  I wish that as I have taken my power back, I wouldn't keep finding strings that still lead to him.

As much as I try to cut every string I find, the finality of holding the last string in my hands with a scissors is unsettling.  And one (or both) of us moving out of this complex feels like one of the last strings.  If this isn't him moving out that I saw, my own opportunity to move out could be coming soon.

Maybe the Carolina Wrens this morning were intentionally so vocal to drown out the tens of thousands of cranes to make sure they captured my attention and fed a calm into my nervous system in advance of this chance encounter.  Maybe I could pick out the songs of the chickadees to remind myself of their companionship for so many years in Wisconsin when they soothed my soul.  Maybe that tree I climbed was the grounding I needed to face today.