I want to walk myself through everything I missed in the very beginning so that if I ever get ready to date again I don't fall into those same pitfalls again. So I've opened my live journal. With hindsight, here are the things that feel off when I re-read. This is going to be a several part series of blog posts.
Somewhere around June 27, 2002, he asked me if I wanted to buy a watermelon. I would laugh for years about how corny that pick up line was. He worked in produce and I worked in the deli. From that point, he watched my break timing closely and would show up in the break area every time I went on break.
July 2 was the day he asked for my number at work and also our first date (after work). For someone who claimed to have never dated anyone before, he had more confidence than I would expect. And he just assumed there would be a second date. The day of, I wrote that I was skeptical about it all. In posts a couple months later, I expressed concern that he had just assumed there would be a second date so I don't think this sat well with me.
Fun side note, on this day I write about the story of how I openly stopped shaving my legs, something I had completely forgotten. The summer before I got lazy shaving my legs and was mostly wearing pants anyway. Then my sister and her boyfriend invited me to join them and one of her friends (the girl who would become my first girlfriend) at a park. In my rush to join them, I just threw on shorts, not even thinking about the fact that my legs were incredibly hairy. And this first girlfriend of mine accepted me, hairy legs and all! So the unintentional not shaving became intentional not shaving (until at some point in my marriage, I felt the need to shave again).
Back to the beginning of my relationship with my ex-husband, we went out again that very next night (July 3), mini-golfing. I'm pretty sure that is the night he introduced me to his car and emphasized how he expected me to be careful with it. I didn't write about that though so I could be wrong on the exact timing of that. I just am pretty sure that conversation happened after dark in the parking lot of that mini-golf course.
But this is what I did write after that date:
I am and have been searching for every little flaw in [ex-husband] and whatever relationship he appears to be pursueing. I think I'm having a small committment problem. Or maybe I just don't want commitment right now! I like hanging out with him. But when he makes comments about the rest of the summer and how he wants to see me again TOMORROW I get all squimish have to swallow my stomach again.
.......
I just feel like crawling up into a little ball in the corner and crying.
Who am I kidding?
And then a couple of hours later, "Can I go back to Eau Claire now?" This was after just two dates. I had known this man for less than a week and my stomach was trying to send me signals that it wasn't right. I didn't trust my gut when I should have.
The next night was July 4 and his entire family was gathering at his parents' house and lighting off fireworks in the backyard. When I arrived, he wasn't at the front door to greet me. I remember ringing the doorbell and awkwardly introducing myself to whoever answered this door, maybe his Aunt? I don't remember. I didn't write much about this night but I remember feeling so put off that he wasn't there to greet me and help navigate his family. I eventually made it to the backyard and found him with the fireworks. I also remember feeling uncomfortable that they were lighting off fireworks in a neighborhood. This is date three, three nights in a row.
The next night was his brother's wedding and he invited so I panicked about finding a dress to wear and then wrote about enjoying dancing with him. It was a fancy sit-down wedding reception at a nice hotel in town. As I write this today, I wonder if I was an imposition on the bride and groom as a last minute guest. That was the fourth night in a row we dated.
July 6, I had a night away from him because my Mom had bought her and I tickets to see Kenny Chesney at Summerfest.
It appears I went out with July 7 although I didn't really write anything about it. July 8 I went straight home after work to find my ex-girlfriend at my house hanging out with my sister and her boyfriend. I think I still had some feelings for her at the time. This is what I wrote:
Then I pull in the driveway (not too long after it had started pouring) and I thought I saw three heads in the living room (I only expected my sis and maybe her boyfriend to be there and up). And not too long after I walk in the door there is [ex-girlfriend]! God I love that girl! I really miss the time we used to spend together. And then of course she needed a ride home and she was already late getting home because she had decided to wait for me so I set out once again in the pouring rain. Fortunately this time the rain stopped before we got there.
I am different when I'm with her. I haven't quite figured it out yet. I know I am the real me with her but at the same time I know that I am the real me with a few other people. I guess so I'm not quite sure what's different.
I don't think she realized that she couldn't have picked a better night to surprise me. I almost bought the "Just Smile Bouqet" after work today but it didn't seem right with me going out with [ex-husband] and I didn't have a clue when I would see her again. Who am I going to buy flowers for anymore?
He then bought me a one week present. I didn't write what he gave me or recall what it was. I didn't mention getting him anything.
In hindsight, this was quite a whirlwind of a week! We had five dates in those first seven days and he was already talking about the rest of the summer together. I had already experienced uncomfortable moments multiple times - the assumption of a second date, the conversation about how important his car was, the lack of greeting me at his parents' house and the fireworks he participated in, and physical feelings of unease. And there was an internal battle inside of me between rational thought, emotions, and doubts from my past.
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