Spoiler alert - as I re-read my journal entries from this early time period, I am realizing that this period was far more turbulent than I had convinced myself of. I was far more unsettled about him than I wanted to remember.
July 16, we both had the day off and drove to the Dells. I'm pretty sure all of our dates up to that point had been after I got out of my late shift at the deli so this would have been our first full day daytime date. I drove. I had gotten permission to use my parents' nice van - my parents had three vehicles that the four of us shared that summer. I usually drove the old brown van. It's funny that I didn't write about what we did in the Dells nor do I have any recollection of that but I made a point to write down the fact that I drove. Being so proud of his car and the fact that he had his own car while I shared one with family, I wonder why he didn't insist he drive. I doubt I would have pushed back at all on that.
I'm curious when I first witnessed his aggressive driving. I doubt it was by this point as all of our dates were very late at night, very local, and most of the time I just went to his house or he came to mine. And then this first mini road trip date, I drove. In hindsight, his driving (whenever I finally witnessed it) should have been the clearest flag. It demonstrated such a strong sense of entitlement wrapped in an inability to regulate emotions in a clear way. But maybe I didn't really get a chance to witness it until we moved to the same city together over a year after being together.
July 22, his Mom started working in the deli with me. Why did she apply there? Why did I not find that incredibly weird at the time? Of all the places for her to look for a job, why would she look to get one with her son's new girlfriend and in the department across from where her son works? In hindsight, this is really weird. And maybe the reason I didn't think anything of it at the time was because she was performing as this loving, caring, ideal mother that I would later learn was not representative of who she is.
Let me pause a moment to appreciate the high speed, wireless internet I enjoy while writing this blog post. My journal entries are filled with comments about tying up the phone line with the dialup internet we had at the time and missing calls when I forgot to log off after a late night internet session. How the times have changed!
Continuing on in my journal entries, on July 26, I write:
I wasn't quite myself last night either. A piece of my past resurfaced as it does every once in a while. The last year it's resurfaced less and less and I guess I had kind of hoped that it would just stop haunting me.
Although I need it like the oxygen I breathe I have this huge fear of getting too close to someone. I want to be loved, I need to be loved...but I always think, "what will happen when that love stops coming?" and "what if I can't love them like they deserve to be loved?" "what if I'm just being a selfish bitch thinking I actually deserve love?"
You know how we all kind of paint a picture of how we think the future will be? My picture didn't include anyone for quite some time. It was of just me in a small apartment after college in some city like the Twin Cities, teaching, making a difference in inner city kids' lives and maybe spending a semester or year teaching in an underdeveloped country like through the Peace Corps or something. I like my independence...I thrive off of my independence. And then when I finally did settle down, I guess I kind of pictured settling down with a girl.
And then I met this incredible guy a little over three weeks ago. For some crazy reason I sparked his interest from the moment he saw me. And then even after thinking I had prepared for the moment he would ask me out, I still stumbled scared to death. It was this moment of everything I had ever come to understand didn't make any sense anymore.
But he loves me, even after knowing my past and learning how queer I may be
Why only three weeks in am I so convinced he already loves me? And in other posts, go on and on about how I'm falling in love with him. Why have I let this man get under my skin so deeply in such a short amount of time? I was so insecure and he was so attentive and reassuring that I think it was easy to ignore the unsettling feelings I had on top of my normal insecurities.
July 29, I started a second job. Up until that point, I was working the 1:30pm-10pm shift at the grocery store five days a week and dating my ex-husband most nights after work. Starting July 29, I added a four hour shift every week day morning at my Dad's work. So 8-12 office job, 1:30-10 deli, 10-2am+ date night with two mornings and two afternoons off a week (rarely did those mornings and afternoons off land on the same day).
Just a note, if this second job had come through at the beginning of the summer like I had initially hoped, I never would have met my ex-husband because I never would have gone looking for a job at the grocery store.
Some interesting concepts come through in the posts of late July and early August. I'm exhausted living off far too little sleep. I started drinking coffee sometimes as many as four cups a day and then would often take Benadryl to try and sleep at night. At some point, I discovered Vivarin caffeine pills. I am incredibly emotional and I seem to share those emotions with him frequently and he responds with charming words and reassurance.
I am disorganized in a way that is not at all characteristic of me. One morning my sister found my keys on the bathroom floor. On another day, I misplaced some important financial documents. And at times I express just a little jealousy towards my sister who was dating the man she eventually married. At one point, I wrote, "Last night my sis's boy made her a candle lit dinner and gave her a dozen rozes. I swear this guy has a standing order with the florist! Any way, she is really floating around because of it."
I also realize as I continue to read posts from the summer that I never met any friends of his. He met mine. In those years, I used to do a summer end BBQ with my friends and my sister's friends plus there were other times my friends were around. I was also in regular contact with my friends by phone, IM, LiveJournal, etc. but I don't think he was having any regular contact with any friends of his. In hindsight, that should have been concerning. That should have been my warning that I would be expected to be his everything.
Sometimes, I wish I didn't write so cryptically. I have a lot of posts like this where I was feeling unsettled or uncertain but don't elaborate on why or what might be the cause. In this post from August 6, was I already disassociating?
I had a strange feeling today...
I realized that for the first time in my life I was remembering the good times while forgetting about the bad times.
I guess it takes a little wake up call to put you back in reality. Who the fuck am I kidding? How can I be so blind?
Even though I should be tired I'm not. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night and then I walked like 5 miles in the park this evening. But thoughts are just flying through my mind.... So many doubts are overwhelming me.... So much that just doesn't make sense....
I wish I could talk to someone.... I wish I knew how to express how I feel.... I wish I understood why there is a credit card slip on my desk that doesn't seem to match anything....
You know what I just realized? (Yes I know I'm thinking too much) I have trouble just following my heart. I try and rationalize everything...try to make sense of it....when matters of the heart can't be rationalized or made sense of. I am strange. I have the brain of a
mathematician but with the creativeness and eccentricness of an artist. That's an interesting combination. But we already knew I was a bit unique.
Was I over-compensating with my ex-husband for what I felt was an over-rationalization of so much in my life up to that point?
At some point in late July/early August, my ex-girlfriend started working at the grocery store with me as well. That added another level of awkwardness in working with his mom.
In August, we went out on his parents' boat a number of times and he would point out different houses on the lake where his parents lived and talk about what kind of house we would want. It felt fast to me at the time to be talking about buying a home together when we had only been together for less than two months and were college students. And he seemed to always push for something bigger and more grandiose and I would counter with a desire for a small home. Fast forward a lot of years, I wonder how much more money he would have spent on stuff if it hadn't been for my practical influence.
August 26
He scares the shit out of me though. He's already talked about buying a house someday and I know whether he wants kids or not and why. He drops his friends for me! I'm sorry, I couldn't be any happier, I couldn't have anyone better care about me yet I'm sitting here stressing about all of this.
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