Constants about me

In re-reading my journals from more than twenty years ago, I realized there are some things that have been true about me going all the way back to at least my teens, maybe further.  Some of it surprised me a bit.

I have never been someone who truly looks at herself in the mirror, until now.  I once walked around Spain for two full days in a shirt that was on backwards without realizing it and that wasn't an isolated incident when I think back over my entire life.  If I wouldn't take time to see myself why would others take the time to see me?  This is a really positive change in the last year and a half but reading my journal from more than twenty years ago helps me understand why it feels so foreign to me.

When I am overwhelmed or overcome with emotion, I find a corner in a room where I sit on the ground with my back and bottom to hard surfaces.  I wrote about the corner in my dorm room.  I can picture where in the conference room of the private law firm I used to go.  Even my favorite place as a child, Mucky Island, was a hard rock.  And in my darkest moments of this last year, I have instinctively sunk to the ground and found a wall or hard surface to lean against.  This is just interesting awareness that I had never thought about.  I don't actually know what it means.

I have always loved the rain and my instinct when I need to think or don't know what I need is to go for a walk.  There was a local park in my hometown that I frequented almost as much as I frequent my current local park.  I chose a college with one of the most beautiful campuses with a river running through it, breathtaking views from the top of a hill, and nature trails.  Nature has always drawn me in.  It has always been both my escape and how I reconnect.  This has been a healthy coping skill that has got me through so much in life.

I have never felt like I truly fit anywhere.  My journal entries are filled with stories of not quite fitting in at social events, in friend groups, etc.  

My marriage felt like the closest thing to fitting somewhere although in hindsight I don't know how much of that is due to him mirroring me and me hanging onto his performative self.  I suppose it is a bit ironic that I ultimately had to shrink and disconnect from myself to keep that feeling of fitting somewhere.  I suppose though it was that initially mirroring that drew me in and created an experience (as false as it may have been) that filled a whole in what had been lacking in my life.

I still don't feel like I truly fit anywhere although I have built some communities where I am tolerated and maybe even accepted to a certain extent.  This is probably where I'm still a little vulnerable - I may not always quickly pick up on mirroring and a false image if it suddenly feels like I finally fit.  Or maybe awareness of this will make me skeptical of anything feels like a fit.

I've always been very self-reflective and introspective.  My closest college friend (and probably my most stable relationship) was someone I had nothing in common with except that deep introspective way of looking at the world.  We would talk for hours in the dining hall until we would realize we had been there so long they had closed and locked us in.  When I find people with this kind of depth, I need to invest in those conversations and relationships.

I have never been blind to imbalanced or unreciprocated relationships.  I've just accepted it assuming that this is the way the world is for me.  So on some level, I probably was expecting an imbalanced marriage.  Is it the people I choose?  Is it misguided perceptions?  I hope I have learned this lesson.

I have some more thoughts on my friendships, how I showed up in them, and what I tolerated that I'll expand on in another post in the next few days.  It's really been fascinating stepping back into my 20 year old shoes with the maturity and clarity of someone in her 40s.  And I think it is helping me work through some things.